Temper

[tiredtempest]

Posting this as I don't have anyone irl I want to discuss this with.

My partner has a tendency to lose his temper quickly.
He has started to lash out at my eldest son (7).
little things like moving him out of the way angrily, but as my partner is so big even a small movement is pretty powerful and he hurts him.
He pushed him out of the way the other day and he fell on the ground, another time he jabbed him in the chest as he was in the way in the porch.

Not an acceptable way to treat a small, very sensitive little boy imo.

He shouts about general daily life annoyances (a child spilt a drink, there's cereal been spilled, the children haven't brushed their teeth yet...normal family annoyances no?) I deal with this everyday but I don't roar or manhandle the children in response.

My partner is stressed about work. I try and make allowances for this but I don't think it can excuse his behaviour.

I'm a stay at home mum and try my best to keep a calm, tidy home so life just 'flows' better (and thus less tendency for anger outburst)

I don't really know how to deal with his outbursts, he mostly blames me when we talk (argue) about it.
I want to help him, I love him very much.
He just blames me for his anger all the time. I want to fix things before they escalate.

What can I do??

Your poor son. Prioritise him rather than your partner. He’ll grow up wondering why you never protected him.

How would you feel if a teacher did this to your son?
If you wouldn’t stand for it at school (where the teacher would, quite rightly be arrested) why do you stand for it from his father - who should be protecting your son, not terrorising him.
Show him the door and slam it shut.

He does not have anger issues. He is choosing to abuse you and your children. And you are choosing to let him.

I don't want to leave but I would if things got worse, I suppose it's up to me to define 'worse'

Your children, who are being abused, don't have the luxury of that choice.

If you stay you are forcing your children to continue being abused. It will damage them well into their adult lives. Why is that not bad enough for you to leave?

Do you not want to protect them? Are they not worth protecting from abuse?

I think you need to sit down with him at the weekend when he is more relaxed. Say you love him and you want to help and support him but he is being far to aggressive physically and verbally to you and the children and you have to put them and yourself first and his behaviour had to change.
If he refuses to seek help you have no choice but to ask him to leave.
Was his father aggressive?
My partner of 27 yrs and the father of my 2 children has a very short fuse and has got increasingly aggressive verbally and physically over the years. My children are 17 and 21. We have just split up as I found out he was having an affair. When I told my children (separately) the first thing they both said was he is too aggressive and they hate living on egg shells waiting for him to blow. I felt awful as I thought keeping the family together was the right thing to do. I felt so sad as I loved my own father to bits and would never have described him as aggressive. Also I would hate my son to think his behaviour is an acceptable way to act or for my daughter to think she should accept that behaviour from her future partners.
We always think keeping the family together is the right and best option but it really isn’t.
If he doesn’t accept he has a problem he will get increasingly worse.
Put your children and yourself first. X

You say you want to do something before it escalates, but it already has escalated.

This isn't 'anger issues' it's violence against a child.

There's a thread on here with lots of posters who grew up in a home like yours OP. The overwhelming majority had little or no relationship with their non-abusive parent because as adults they recognised that parent chose to leave them in the situation to be abused, assaulted and afraid. That the parent failed to protect their child from all that harm that follows them throughout adulthood. They describe suffering with mental health issues, addictions or dysfunctional relationships as a result of that chaotic and abusive upbringing.

What do you want your son's story to be? Do you want him to be as abusive as his father? Or do you want him to resent or hate you for the passive role you opted for in his childhood?
If you haven't the strength to leave because you don't feel you are worth it, do it because your children ARE worth it. You'll see in time you are worth it too.

Child before cock.

No normal mother would EVER put that the other way round.

Hey OP, I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through. My H is exactly the same with our boys (7&5). It doesn’t seem like bad enough abuse to leave, but at the same time I’m gutted that they are scared of their fathers reaction when they make a mistake. He also doesn’t see the difference between my shouty outbursts when I have asked them to go to bed 10 times and they are still up an hour later, and his outbursts when they fall off a chair or spill their drink. He even goes off at them if they hurt themselves instead of comforting them. I don’t leave because I want to give the kids the best possible home and education and I can’t do that on my own. It’s hard. Very hard. I too want to get him some help on how to parent but he is so stubborn and self centred that he probably wouldn’t accept that he needs to work on his anger and parenting skills.

Like you, I am just keeping the peace, and trying to protect my children as much as I can from him, until something tips me over the edge and I feel obliged to leave for their well-being.

I do keep a record of his outbursts, and the horrible things he says, kind of like building a file of evidence to support my case if we do divorce as I will be wanting them to have as little time alone with him as possible, and to remind myself of all the horrible things he has said to them. I know he will deny everything so it’s my way of preparing for the future. I do this in a word document which is password protected, so he shouldn’t be able to read it.

Good luck buddy, I know what you are going through and understand why you are stuck. Men can be dickheads, and don’t know what they have until they lose it.

@Zupermumm your kids can't have the best possible home for as long as you're allowing them to be abused.

No amount of good education when they become angry, damaged teenagers who think aggression and bullying those smaller than you is the only way to get anything you want in life.

Your son is being severely psychologically harmed by this.

I grew up in an environment where my parents did this to each other. I am in my late forties and have suffered all my life because of the physical and emotional violence around me, that I was dragged into as a child and teenager until I was finally able to leave.

It has impacted my entire life.

Please get out and protect your precious son. Believe me, he is already screwed up by this, but you still have a chance to save him.

If you love him, you will do this for him.

Read about C-PTSD.

What I don’t understand about everyone that says leave leave leave
Is what happens when that child is visiting the father alone
?

After you’ve separated I mean xxx

He is hurting your child/children, physically and mentally, blatant abuse. Please do not think you can do or say anything to make this monster behave in a nice way. Anyone who treats a child like that is pure evil.

Protect your children, you're the only one who can, unless your innocent little 7 year old mentions the abuse in school in which case they will get Social Services involved.

I left my husband a few months ago for this very same reason. It's been the best decision I've ever made and I have no regrets.

We're currently going through the early stages of family court proceedings and the judge and all professionals involved are taking my allegations of emotional abuse and rough handling very seriously and exH is currently not allowed unsupervised contact with the children. Feel free to PM me if there's anything you want to ask.

So let's examine this more closely1) His abusive behavior is occurring more frequently 2) You are trying to alter the home environment so he doesn't abuse all of you more frequently 3) He's already escalated to physically knocking over/verbally abusing your poor little boy 4) He's blaming YOU and/or the kids

You actually think a lousy book is going to give him a lightbulb moment?
Wake up and kick out and be an adult

"Kick him out"

I woud kill anyone who hurt my son. This is totally unacceptable. As a mother it's your job to protect him, your son will be terribly damaged later on if you allow this. Would you think it was ok if your husband did this to you?
A great big man terrorising a tiny boy - what an absolute coward.

next time call the polic and get him arrested, that will soon show him not to be a disgusting bully.

You might find these link useful;

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

He's verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. What on earth are you waiting for. You'll leave if it gets worse? Give me strength. If you allow your DS to continue to be abused then you're just as culpable.

@Lardlizard erm you don't allow contact on the basis that he's abusive? No court will force you to send a child to a man that hits them.

I have a dear friend whose ex partner beat her to the point of breaking bones. Took her years & police protection to be able to leave. Was it her fault? No. Is it her fault that her now teenage children will assault her when they are not getting their way? No. Carry on making excuses if this is what you want the future to look like. I’ve tolerated some shit in my life, but if anyone had scared my children, they would have needed to sleep with their eyes open, cause the fucker’s gotta sleep sometime.

@GiveHerHellFromUs actually I'm afraid you're wrong there - family courts absolutely do award contact to abusive fathers, all the time.

@Lardlizard you can't ensure that he isn't abusive when he has contact but you can ensure that the children's main home is safe, calm and peaceful. Having a safe home even if they have to spend time with a parent who frightens them is better than living with the frightening parent full time.
Of course that's not a perfect solution but it's better than staying.

Oh, you are one of those women.

Your sweet and innocent 7 year old boy that relies on you totally, may well end up an adult damaged by his childhood. Do you want to raise an adult who needs therapy because of his upbringing? Even though he had a nice house and the things he needed....except security....except patience.... But with lots of fear.

Your poor children have you to rely on, and you don't seem to want to protect them. It might be scary, but surely it is scarier knowing that violence towards your innocent son is increasing.

Find your self worth. Find your strength. Put your children first and bloody protect them.