Temper

[tiredtempest]

Posting this as I don't have anyone irl I want to discuss this with.

My partner has a tendency to lose his temper quickly.
He has started to lash out at my eldest son (7).
little things like moving him out of the way angrily, but as my partner is so big even a small movement is pretty powerful and he hurts him.
He pushed him out of the way the other day and he fell on the ground, another time he jabbed him in the chest as he was in the way in the porch.

Not an acceptable way to treat a small, very sensitive little boy imo.

He shouts about general daily life annoyances (a child spilt a drink, there's cereal been spilled, the children haven't brushed their teeth yet...normal family annoyances no?) I deal with this everyday but I don't roar or manhandle the children in response.

My partner is stressed about work. I try and make allowances for this but I don't think it can excuse his behaviour.

I'm a stay at home mum and try my best to keep a calm, tidy home so life just 'flows' better (and thus less tendency for anger outburst)

I don't really know how to deal with his outbursts, he mostly blames me when we talk (argue) about it.
I want to help him, I love him very much.
He just blames me for his anger all the time. I want to fix things before they escalate.

What can I do??

Start planning to leave.
Get a job, get your paperwork sorted.
Look at housing, look at what government help you could get.
Then when you are ready, ask him to seek counseling and let him know you have concrete plans to leave if he refuses.

Time to call social services, women’s aid and the police. You need him or you and the kids out of there. No empty words. He needs consequences. I am 47 and lived with a violent mother and a father who covered up for her. Ten broken arms and other damages beyond the physical, and unraveling that will be lifelong. Only YOU can do this.

You must protect your son.

@Lardlizard the courts can, and often do force you to send them. Plenty of threads on here to confirm that.

@CodenameVillanelle not in cases where the abuse has been legally proven.

OP needs to leave, contact social services and contact the police of her own accord. He needs to be reported and she needs a restraining order.

Protect your son!!!!! Do you really need to ask us here!!?? Your partner sounds like a nasty bad tempered bully.
Choose your son.

What is your evidence for saying that? Cafcass and women's aid have collaborated on some research regarding abusive men and contact and it really doesn't reflect what you are claiming. abusive fathers often get contact. Whether proven or not.

@CodenameVillanelle a family member has parental responsibility for two young girls (since they were 8, now mid-teens) and has a restraining order against their father because he was a nasty piece of shit.
They lived with him for a while after he abused both of their moms so badly they gave their children up out of fear. They then lived with him and family member for about 5 years. He was abusive to one child, favoured the other.
Eventually the police were called and he hasn't been able to see them again since; including long court battles.

I know a few women who've been in a relationship with abusive men who've left and been able to keep their children away from their father.
I don't know anyone who's situation is the way around you're describing (obviously that doesn't mean it's not happening).

By all accounts it sounds like the child's an inconvenience to him anyway so he may well not bother trying to see him.

Op please please please don't stay in this relationship. You can't do anything to make your partner's temper better. You will bend over backwards to try to keep life running smoothly at home and it still won't be enough. At best you will be treading on eggshells and it will wear you out in the end. The emotional damage to your child will be enormous and will take him a lifetime to overcome.

I speak from experience. I am 49 years old and still have a deep rooted fear that I am not good enough for others and that i must surely get on other people's nerves because I had a father and then a husband who were constantly in an irritated mood and lost their temper easily always blaming others around them.

It's an awful way to grow up, the parent who is supposed to love you, protect you and encourage you to do well in life is the very person who makes you feel scared, worried and inadequate. Dig deep to find the strength to end this relationship and make a better life for your son.

Why would you make allowances for someone who is hurting your child? Get him gone. Totally unacceptable

Get your exit plan ready. Tell him he has to leave if he can't be the partner/father your family deserves. He'll either take it as a wake up call, or you put your exit plan in to place.
I had a very similar situation but our dd is not yet 3. It's our duty as parents to protect our children, even from their other parent if necessary. I didn't want my dd either growing up treating people that way or thinking it's ok to be treated that way.
Take action please.

Leave that bullying bastard.

He wouldn't do it to another adult, but he does to a 7 year old child.

Fucking bastard.

He is ABUSING your child.

@cushioncovers, yes, yes & yes. 💐

What I don’t understand about everyone that says leave leave leave
Is what happens when that child is visiting the father alone
?

A. Let's face it, a lot of these guys often barely see their kids or if they do pass them off to female relatives etc. They can't be arsed, too much like hard work. Children irritate and inconvenience them.

B. All the mum can do is record everything, report it and try to limit unsupervised access. I used to work in a place where men had supervised access to their kids. So clearly it happens (access being restricted).

Op is he getting angry at and pushing etc his boss, colleagues, clients, members of the public, police if they get "in his way" etc.?

It's not anger management.

My mother also made allowances for my abusive step father. Even after he broke my finger.

I left home at 16 as a depressed, anorexic lost soul.

I cut them both completely out of my life , I'm late 40s now . Had to have rewind therapy for ptsd.

Leave now or risk the same .