Woman’s perspective

[Sw05]

Ok so here goes, I’ve been with my wife for 20 years married for nearly 15 years. We have had our ups and downs over the years. The last several have not been the greatest of times together my wife told me twice she was no longer in love with me a few years ago but we worked through that and she said it was a mistake and that she did love me. Our sex life over the years has diminished but now we no longer sleep together I’m on the sofa and she has the bed ( been like this for 2 years now). We made love once this year and probably over the last few years I could count on one hand. I’ve tried to talk I buy her flowers, chocolates do the ironing, cooking tell her I love her give her space but she just doesn’t seem to have or want any intimacy at all. It’s breaking my heart I feel sick inside and so lonely, I’ve been there when she needs me but I just don’t know what else to do. I’ve asked if she loves me and she has said yes but words mean nothing without any actions. She doesn’t kiss unless I kiss her she won’t cuddle hold hands snuggle on the sofa and if I even try and get near I feel rejected time after time. I’ve just said to her about I’m worried about our relationship and she will never talk about it because it’s either the wrong time or she’s not going over this again and says why can’t I just leave it instead of keep poking and poking. I said because I want to sort this then she gets a message on fb and conversation ends. I don’t want this to end but I feel so lonely and I really don’t think my wife wants me as a husband but more of a...... well I really don’t know what I am to her. So I’m asking you ladies what am I doing wrong am I pushing too much for answers? Should I back off and not talk about it? Does she really love me even though she says she does because I’m running on empty and have no idea

When I was with my ex every time he wanted a hug it ended with him trying to touch me sexually so I withdrew from that. If I said no to sex he got huffy and moody so I used to do it to prevent a row but that takes its toll on you to the point that you just can’t do it any more.
If you’ve been guilty of that it is likely to have destroyed your sex life. Any conversation about it will feel like pressure to her and push you further away.
I ended my relationship which isn’t helpful to you I know. Just offering a possible explanation. For me there was no going back. Others may be along who have rescued a situation like this. I couldn’t.

Oh OP. This sounds excruciating for you. I'm so sorry.

How old are you both? Menopause, hormonal contraception? Hormonal changes can really mess with libido as well as the desire for touching in general.

I dont think you've done much wrong here OP. It's natural to want to be close to your loved one, to touch them and feel they enjoy your company. The sexual part is important but your post reads to me like even just non sexual touch is off the table in your marriage. Personally I would have walked some time ago.

I'm wondering if it's time for you to get some counselling for yourself. You need support and someone to talk to.

Your dw can't just unilaterally stop intimacy of all kinds AND refuse to discuss it. She's a right to say no to touch, but you've a right not to stay in the marriage, then. If she refuses to discuss at all then I'm afraid you may have done all you can and it may be time to quietly get your ducks in a row.

So sorry OP x

It doesn’t sound like there’s much love there to me Op, from an outsiders perspective.

I’m sorry you are going through this and that you are lonely. If I was you I’d probably think about giving her an ultimatum - either she talks and lays everything out on the table like a respectable adult in a grown up marriage, or you leave.

Well I’ve just tried talking again which has ended up not so good. She says that she doesnt think that making love once this year is everything I said it’s just being close to the woman I love I miss and hate being rejected time after time

I really feel for you OP. Everyone deserves to be able to talk about what bothers them in a relationship. Your partner should want to know how you are feeling and care that you are upset. Of course that doesn’t mean she should do anything she doesn’t want to do but she should meet your concerns with compassion. And she should tell you why she feels the way she does too. Without a willingness to work on a relationship from both parties it’s impossible to sustain a marriage.
Can you pin point when things changed? What explanation does she give you?
Would she go with you to marriage counciling?
As things stand it sounds like you will be unhappy forever but you don’t need to be. In my marriage there was a point when I realised a lot of my needs were not being met and I want being treated with enough respect. We went into therapy and it has strengthened us so deeply but I was ready to leave before my husband started fighting to understand and change his behaviour.
Does your wife really understand how deeply you are hurting?

Just seen your update, what did she say then?

I would say the relationship was over a long time ago....she's being a coward by backtracking and withdrawing as much as humanly possible in the hope you'll end it.

Don't waste anymore if your time trying to flog a dead horse is my advice.

Is there anything in your marriage making her unhappy?

I think she either doesn't love you anymore but doesn't want the marriage to end because it's convenient and easy for her to remain. Or you're like my DH. I've told him over and over what I need for us to have intimacy and sex. And he gaslights and minimises and tells me I'm wrong and those things aren't issues. His actions and anger have destroyed intimacy in our relationship. If he bought it up again I wouldn't bother saying it because of the way he makes me feel when I try to discuss any issues.

The fact you are on the sofa says it all and tells you all you need to know

I mean who the fuck makes someone they purport to love sleep on a sofa for 2 years?

I’d dump her to be honest. She was telling you the truth when she told you she didn't love you and is now back trading as she’s scared of leaving

She says she wants us to work but I don’t understand what she wants out of the relationship. She says there are other ways of being intermit and not just being all close and hugging. She says she wants us to work and I want to believe her but I’ve told her that I wish she could be in my shoes for 24 hours and feel how lonely it is.

I’d never say she was wrong if she had issues that she would tell me about. Don’t get me wrong I do get annoyed but is that down to frustration? Loneliness? Feeling unloved? Rejected? I don’t know but she says I just go on and on about it, yes I probably do but I’m fighting to save my marriage and stay with the woman I love and am in love with. I don’t want it to end but I also don’t want to be a doormat and only have intermit moments when it suits or in my case doesn’t

Some people are not very intimate. Maybe the two of you just have very different needs.

If she told you she wasn’t in love with you then backtracked & said she really does love you but has no interest in being physically intimate, what do you think this means? It’s hard to know as I don’t know ye but what do you think is the best part of your marriage? What keeps you together? Why are you on the couch? Does one of you have more ‘power’ than the other?

It sounds like there’s a lot going on.

Best of luck. I hope the best will happen xx

OP, she doesn't love you. She just doesn't know how to tell you. You'd be better off splitting.

I was in a similar marriage. My ex had been on the sofa for years (his choice), I wasn't interested in any intimacy and over time this just got worse. I didn't love him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him but then he never asked. Never brought up our problems, just carried on as if everything was fine.

Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and I did leave him.

Sorry to read this OP. Sounds like a miserable situation.

Why have you ended up on the sofa?

Unfortunately I agree with the other replies, sounds like she doesn't love you. Her behaviour isn't that of someone who wants to work it out.

I said because I want to sort this then she gets a message on fb and conversation ends.

Is there someone else?

I’m on the sofa because I snore and I annoy her when I wake her up. No there is defiantly no one else. I’ve said to my wife if she doesn’t love me then tell me and I will go but she says she does love me and we have a future

She’s playing games with you.

And there is a good chance there is someone else.

She keeps dangling the ‘we could work’ carrot in front of you but then not doing anything to repair the relationship or help it in that direction. Ducks in a row OP.

if she loves you and wants a future she needs to open up and talk about the issues you’re facing.

Once a year isn’t enough for most people so if she’s happy with that, maybe she’s better as a friend and you can go your separate ways to find love with someone else.

We can all speculate about why she doesn’t want to be touched by you (hormones, all touched out from kids, your snoring having killed her passion for you, feeling that any intimacy will be pushed too far etc) but the only person who can really tell you is her.

Personally if my DP couldn’t bear to even hold my hand on the sofa and wouldn’t talk about why I’d leave. Her saying she loves you means nothing when her actions say otherwise. Sorry

It’s not that she can’t bear it she just doesn’t do it, we used to be years ago very passionate but now nothing. I’ve said to her that once a year isn’t healthy but she doesn’t seem to see my point. Maybe she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want me to leave because of the huge change it will cause to her daily life or maybe she does love me but just has Forgot how to show it? I don’t know but I’ve never given up my marriage means so much to me and my wife is my life. I don’t know maybe get xmas over and done with then set all our cards on the table and if it means that she tells me she doesn’t love me then I’ll have no choice but to pack my bag and go.

I'll be honest it seems very much like her staying is easier than her leaving. At the moment she's got her life, her home, her double bed to herself, and you. That suits her... Staying is suiting her. You, you've got no love, affection, intimacy, no bed, the sofa, and the crumbs of communication she throws you.
Who's faring better out of this situation?
There's your answer.

She should set you free OP

Groovinpeanut is bang on here. It sounds like this situation suits your wife. Relationships change and flux with intensity. But your just be held in a holding pattern.
Untangeling a long term relationship is messy and hard, it seems like she just can't face ending it but it seems incredibly unfair to keep stringing you along. I think telling your significant other that you don't love them and then taking it back is just so utterly cruel. I personally would never expect my Significant other to hang around after that treatment.
Goodluck with whatever you decide OP

Where does she get her affection/intimacy/socialising needs from? Who does she spend time with? Where does she go? Do you go out together or are you living separate lives?

Could she be waiting for someone to be free? Her ‘I dont love you... er, actually I do’ sounds as if she was getting ready to leave and then changed her mind.

Who’s house is it? Mortgaged? Rented? Do you both work? Can she afford to live on her own?

I think after Christmas You should lay it on the line and say that you both go to relatiinship counselling or the relationship is over.
Do you have children?
Does your wife have any illnesses or MH problems like depression , menopause ?

Have you looked at the 5 love languages? Just a long shot.......

If you can't get your wife to communicate , then it sadly is game over.