Woman’s perspective

[Sw05]

Ok so here goes, I’ve been with my wife for 20 years married for nearly 15 years. We have had our ups and downs over the years. The last several have not been the greatest of times together my wife told me twice she was no longer in love with me a few years ago but we worked through that and she said it was a mistake and that she did love me. Our sex life over the years has diminished but now we no longer sleep together I’m on the sofa and she has the bed ( been like this for 2 years now). We made love once this year and probably over the last few years I could count on one hand. I’ve tried to talk I buy her flowers, chocolates do the ironing, cooking tell her I love her give her space but she just doesn’t seem to have or want any intimacy at all. It’s breaking my heart I feel sick inside and so lonely, I’ve been there when she needs me but I just don’t know what else to do. I’ve asked if she loves me and she has said yes but words mean nothing without any actions. She doesn’t kiss unless I kiss her she won’t cuddle hold hands snuggle on the sofa and if I even try and get near I feel rejected time after time. I’ve just said to her about I’m worried about our relationship and she will never talk about it because it’s either the wrong time or she’s not going over this again and says why can’t I just leave it instead of keep poking and poking. I said because I want to sort this then she gets a message on fb and conversation ends. I don’t want this to end but I feel so lonely and I really don’t think my wife wants me as a husband but more of a...... well I really don’t know what I am to her. So I’m asking you ladies what am I doing wrong am I pushing too much for answers? Should I back off and not talk about it? Does she really love me even though she says she does because I’m running on empty and have no idea

Tbh we don’t go out, my wife works nights and prefers to stay home when not at work. Her family is where she socialises. We have a mortgage together and a child. We both work but no if I left she wouldn’t be able to afford this place alone. I know what your going to say, that I’m being kept here to help pay the mortgage. I just cannot see there being someone else. I can see how groovinpeanut looks right and maybe they are but maybe I just love my wife too much to let go of this marriage. Until I hear her say it’s over I will cling onto hope and pray that we are a couple going through a very bad time

The thing is she may well hang on until someone gives her a nudge. Its not uncommon for people to stay in relationships that are past their sell by date happily plodding or even unhappily plodding but as soon as someone outside the relationship turns their head they leave. They have a springboard.
Do you really want that to happen? I'd end the relationship while I was still young enough to move on. In fact I probably wouldn't even want to move on. But I couldn't be with someone who didn't love me. Remember its actions not words. Her actions say she doesn't love you.

I have said that to my wife that telling me you love me is just words I then went on to say but you never do anything else, I said do you know how lonely it is being here in this marriage when I never feel like you love me. I then said how is us not being close or intimate or making love healthy??? She said not all couples are like that, maybe their not but blimey it hurts and it’s so soul destroying. We used to have a great laugh together and have fun, but now she seems to rather sit on the sofa in her pjs knitting. I’m going to get xmas out of the way and then have it out once and for all. I’m 50 in January so if this is the end then I’m buggered if I’m ever getting into anymore relationships I’ve already 1 failed marriage if this fails I’ll move to a place where no one knows me and keep myself to myself.

You should go to doc about snoring. There are things that can be done.

When she told you years ago that she didn't live you did she say why. Do you have any thoughts about why she doesn't want to be intimate? Not what she tells you but anything she has hinted at.

If I left she wouldn’t be able to afford this place alone

This is her reason for backtracking on "I don't love you".

She doesn't have sex or any non sexual intimacy because she doesn't want to do that with you, it really is that simple.

You're being willfully blind op and seem determined to stay in this at any cost to yourself and your emotional wellbeing.

I really feel for you OP. She says she loves you but she’s not willing to make the effort to meet you half way on your needs - she’s clinging on to hers. Love is a two way street, if she really did love you she would compromise.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say the issue is sex. The OP wants it, his wife doesn't. He thinks 'intimacy' is solely sex, and she's experiencing him as a sex pest because every time he wants to hold hands/cuddle on the sofa, he wants it to lead to sex, and she -- for whatever reason (menopause, lack of body confidence, lack of libido, tiredness if she works odd hours and he snored in their marital bed for years before he ended up on the sofa) doesn't. From her point of view all the flowers and compliments are attempts to get her to have sex.

I don't think it necessarily means she doesn't love him. She just doesn't show her love in the way he wants.

Op there is a technique/approach recommended by some - it's actually strictly speaking for relationships in which one part of had cheated; but I think it's very apt for relationships in which one person is not acting fairly.

It's the opposite of "be nice, show you care, do lots for them".

Here's a description;

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

You say she's your life - well, she shouldn't be (even if your relationship were great).

Get yourself a haircut, new clothes (get a stylist, some department stores/shops have free ones), get to the gym or sone firm of exercise yon enjoy, find new or refund hobbies ideally with a social aspect, enjoy yourself and leg he'd do whatever the fk she wants. I predict she'll become less indifferent, but if she doesn't sooner or later .. it really suggests it isn't salvageable.

*one partner

*refind

Incidentally it is a one bedroom flat/house, or are you letting a spare room be used for something else and not standing up for yourself on that front either.

If you have ant alternative, don't sleep on the sofa (for your back at the v least).

*any

So we just had a talk and I broke down, told her I can’t take anymore feeling so alone and unloved. I asked what Am i to you am I here for convenience. I also asked why no intimacy and I was told people are intimate in different ways she said living with someone is intimate as she said she wouldn’t live with a stranger no idea what that meant. She said she doesn’t want sex and she only 43, so I said where does that now leave me?? I then said this isn’t a marriage No intimacy no closeness no nothing I don’t want this and I said I can’t be in a marriage like this anymore. So I’ve said does she want this marriage to work? As I’m not sticking around if she’s not prepared to work at it. She has said yes she wants it to work and wants to work at it so I’ve said will she come with me to speak to someone and she has agreed, so it’s a start.

Do you have children together? If so then I'm sure they will be picking up on this. Sometimes people do love each other but are not in love with each other, definitely sound like that's how she's feeling and that this could have ran its course. I understand how heartbreaking this is for you. There is only so many times you can "talk" to someone too.

NaturalDisaster sorry to disappoint to you but you totally wrong the issue isn’t sex AT ALL. It’s about feeling loved being part of a team not being rejected not feeling so alone. If it was sex I’d go out and have affairs but 1 I’m not like that and 2 it’s not the issue. It’s about my marriage and feeling loved.

We haven’t actually spoke to anyone yet but as I said she has agreed to talk to somebody

We haven’t actually spoke to anyone yet but as I said she has agreed to talk to somebody

Good, now get her some earplugs and get back in your bed, you're not a bloody cat and shouldn't be sleeping on a sofa.

Have some courage and self respect.... want more for yourself OP.

Thank you Closetbeanmuncher your comment did put a smile on my face. I think she does want this to work but I think we have lost our path together somewhere and frustration, depression,rejection has played a huge part in all this. She doesn’t seem to think though that the lack of love making should be an issue and her words not mine “she just doesn’t need/want it like me” I said but don’t you think that couple’s who love each other should have some kind of contact albeit cuddles?? She still says not all couples are like that, I get that but isn’t that a mutual agreement??

Sorry OP but if she wanted it to work she would have put some effort in long ago.

She is indifferent to the pain you have been in for a long time.
She is dismissive of the fact that there is a problem.
Your expectations are not unreasonable.
She is happy to extract whatever benefit this arrangement accrues to her without considering how your needs are not met.
None of this paints a picture of a person who has empathy and consideration. This is not a good sign.

Unless people want to change they won’t....unless some outside event occurs that forces them to change. That is something that is potentially within your control. As it stands, she is in control of you because you have handed her all the power.

To be honest, it sounds like your marriage is over in all but name. She is quite comfortable with the situation and probably doesn’t want the upheaval of having to move/downsize. You’ve become little more than housemates by the sound of it. It’s a question of how long you see yourself accepting the crumbs of affection she’s willing to give. Do you see yourself still in this situation in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? It sounds like a waste of life to me. She’s being quite selfish, but you are enabling her behaviour by putting up with it indefinitely.

The options you have are

1. Accept she doesn't want sex and open up relationship on your side for sex.
2. Accept she doesn't want sex and live with it.
3. Split.

You can go to counselling but she has always said she doesn't want sex. You can't make someone want that if they don't and I imagine you don't want sex with someone who doesn't. I have been there and I ended the relationship as I couldn't live with the loneliness. I am now happily married to someone else, but honestly would have been happier single by the end.

I hope it all works for you, but I think the counselling may be helpful simply for helping you rip the plaster off.

My wife even at her own admittance has changed she isn’t the woman I married nor am I the man she married. We have been through so much together and I was with her right through the loss of her father was even taken time off work to be with him. I’d do anything for my wife but your probably right she wouldn’t do anything for me. I feel sick empty heartbroken and scared shitless. I know if we break I’ll never see her again as I will leave the county, I couldn’t stay around knowing that the woman I love and want to be with doesn’t feel the same. It breaks my heart to think that she and my daughter would probably not miss me. I just can’t bear to live without her it scares me what sometimes goes on in my head. Just don’t get how something that was so right has become so empty and loveless. My wife is a stunner and losing her would finish me

NaturalDisaster sorry to disappoint to you but you totally wrong the issue isn’t sex AT ALL. It’s about feeling loved being part of a team not being rejected not feeling so alone.

Yes, but it sounds from all of your posts as if the way you want your wife to express that she loves you is to have sex with you and/or to kiss/have physical closeness, which she seems to interpret as you wanting sex, or that will lead to you wanting sex.

I agree with @BarbedBloom as to your options. You say you love her and can't live without her, but if she continues not to want sex, you either accept that, or agree that you can have sex outside the marriage, or you split up.

And surely you are not being serious when you say you will leave the county and never see her again! You have a child together, and will need to communicate as co-parents.

NaturalDisaster if it comes across I’m only after sex then I’m writing it wrongly. I never meant it to sound like it’s about sex and sex alone. It’s about feeling loved feeling wanted feeling part of something special and not feeling alone rejected unloved. Sex isn’t what I’m on here about I’m on here to get a woman’s perspective on why women feel the way they do. As I said if it was about sex I’d go on one night stands tinder and get sex that way but I’m a loving loyal husband who wants to rekindle his Marridge to his wife