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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable ?

95 replies

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 12:52

Hello this is my first time on here and I am looking for anybody’s opinion. So my husband plays golf every Sunday and I am happy for him to do so. In October I asked him for our anniversary (december) if he would be intrested in going to the ballet but it would be on the Sunday. He agreed and it was planned. Then two weeks before our anniversary he said that he wanted to go away for a lads golfing weekend but it fell on the date of our anniversary ballet date. I said to him if you want to go then go as I would never stop him from doing what he wants. The weekend comes and he goes away and his phone was off the entire time. When he gets home he apologises and said the battery died and then he lost it in a bar but managed to get it back from the bar Monday morning. I feel really hurt by his actions and he didn’t even get me a card. I was really upset when he come home and he says I am being unreasonable to be upset when I agreed he could go. But as much as that hurt me that he went, it was the not being able to contact him that triggered me to be angry. So my question is am I being unreasonable for being upset? Any answers would be gratefully received

OP posts:
Cream5 · 12/12/2019 12:54

You arent being unreasonable at all. His actions are thoughtless and frankly verging on the unbelievable.

Is this an isolated incident or is he always so selfish?

The mistake was obviously saying it was ok to go, but he shouldnt really have asked in the first place.

Waterandlemonjuice · 12/12/2019 12:55

I’d be pissed off, YANBU

areyouafraidofthedark · 12/12/2019 12:56

Every Sunday! Do you have children together?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/12/2019 12:57

He’s incredibly selfish and I’d also put money on him being a liar too. Very convenient to lose his phone and then suddenly find it again just as he was coming home.

Lifeinthedeep · 12/12/2019 12:58

You’re allowing yourself to be walked all over. I wouldn’t have let the dickhead go in the first place but it’s really telling that he chose golf over you. Stuff him.

Interestedwoman · 12/12/2019 12:58

Not unreasonable at all. I think most people who lost their phone/battery died would use a friend's phone to text their partner so the partner knew what was going on and that they hadn't been forgotten about- especially on their anniversary!!!

IDK if I even believe him about the phone. The whole thing isn't very nice. :(

Hugs xxxxx

Original poster
Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 13:00

He does put himself first a lot of the time, but I’m kind of accepting of that. But with our anniversary I thought that would be different. It is more the fact that I couldn’t reach him when he was away that really upset me. He has been unfaithful in the past and it triggered all sorts of thoughts in my mind. He says that I’m being insecure from my own thoughts and not his actions. We have been sleeping separate since he has come back and he says that I’m being unreasonable about that too. But I feel both angry and hurt. His card and present I bought weeks in advance. It just makes me feel like I mean nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 13:02

We got 4 children but 2 are from my previous relationship

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 12/12/2019 13:03

Selfish arse. You are definitely NOT BU!

amiapropermum · 12/12/2019 13:05

The phone story is very suspicious. Anniversaries and occasions mean a lot to me so I like to mark them although I understand they aren't important to some people. His behaviour is pretty cold though

custardbear · 12/12/2019 13:06

Sounds a bit fishy to me ?!

FrangipaniBlue · 12/12/2019 13:10

It would never enter my DHs head to make other arrangements on the same weekend that we already had arrangements, anniversary or not. His reaction would be "sorry I can't, we have plans".

Even if we didn't have plans for our anniversary his first thought would be "do you want to do anything for our anniversary" before he then made other commitments.

But then my husband isn't a selfish arse.

YANBU.

Kayleigh12 · 12/12/2019 13:10

@Graduation2020 I would be absolutely livid. That is incredibly selfish. That incident alone would make me question our relationship, let alone the infidelities of the past. I would be questioning what he was up to to turn his phone off. That’s a big no no for me. Anything could have happened and U may have needed to urgently reach him. What a selfish prick

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 13:14

YANBU.

Yeah you said he could go but that doesn't mean he didn't need to get you a card and a bunch of flowers or even bloody text you on the day!

Original poster
Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 13:15

I think that him asking to use a friends phone is something I completely over looked. I will definitely mention that to him, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 13:20

It’s actually really made me question our relationship. Is it wrong to think I deserve to be treated better ?

OP posts:
PersephoneOP · 12/12/2019 13:20

Please please please do not fall for this BS. He has treated you horribly and is now trying to gaslight you into thinking that you are the one behaving badly.

HIS actions have been completely unreasonable. Not yours.

PersephoneOP · 12/12/2019 13:22

@Graduation2020 Not at all! You deserve to be treated much better than this by the person who is supposed to be your partner in life, especially if you have forgiven him being unfaithful in the past! He should be taking every opportunity to make that up to you and prove to you that he can be trusted, which he clearly isn't.

Cream5 · 12/12/2019 13:27

To be honest OP is sounds like he doesnt have much respect for you or the relationship.

Cheating is enough to indicate that, followed up by this further self centred behaviour...

Nobody deserves this BS.

BuildBuildings · 12/12/2019 13:27

His phone loss is very suspicious! You're not being unreasonable. You shouldn't have to tell him how to behave. He should be able to behave according to his priorities on his own. Which he is, unfortunately yiu aren't at the top of the list. Sorry.

Original poster
Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 13:28

He cheated on me when we had first been together for about 8 months, but said it didn’t count because it was an ex and he didn’t lie to me about it he just didn’t tell me ( it was her who contacted me) the second time was about 3 years in to our marriage and he had an affair and we separated for about 4 weeks after that. But he told me that he couldn’t live without me and promised he would not do anything like that again. He got interested in golf about a year ago and got a membership so goes every Sunday, we keep Saturday as a family day. But this is the first time he has gone away for the weekend to play

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 13:32

He's cheated twice, minimised the first time wormed his way in the second. It doesn't look good.

ChristmasFluff · 12/12/2019 13:34

He's vile.

You also don't value yourself enough - to say it was fine for him to cancel your anniversary plans for a golf weekend - NO! He'd already agreed to the anniversary weekend, you already had plans. He doesn't get to cancel them to go on a pretendy golfing weekend and shag some bint.

He needed dumping the first time he cheated - I know it;'s a bit late now, but don't make the same mistake again.

He's shown what he thinks of you, even in the unlikely event he's not having an affair - little to nothing. So, do you agree with his evaluation or not? If not, the only thing to do is end it. He is not going to change.

BananaBooBoo · 12/12/2019 13:34

Em you are being very naive. Something is wrong there, he could easily have contacted you via other means, hotel phone, friends phone etc. As the famous mumsnet saying goes, hes telling you who he is, you need to listen.

Hepsibar · 12/12/2019 13:36

I would rather go with friends who enjoyed the ballet than someone who didnt.

I had a dear friend whose husband was a football supporter and insisted on going off each week to watch matches ... she decided she would take up an activity that ensured she wasnt the one left at home and they had to do alternate weeks with the children ... ... they did split up in the end!