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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable ?

95 replies

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 12:52

Hello this is my first time on here and I am looking for anybody’s opinion. So my husband plays golf every Sunday and I am happy for him to do so. In October I asked him for our anniversary (december) if he would be intrested in going to the ballet but it would be on the Sunday. He agreed and it was planned. Then two weeks before our anniversary he said that he wanted to go away for a lads golfing weekend but it fell on the date of our anniversary ballet date. I said to him if you want to go then go as I would never stop him from doing what he wants. The weekend comes and he goes away and his phone was off the entire time. When he gets home he apologises and said the battery died and then he lost it in a bar but managed to get it back from the bar Monday morning. I feel really hurt by his actions and he didn’t even get me a card. I was really upset when he come home and he says I am being unreasonable to be upset when I agreed he could go. But as much as that hurt me that he went, it was the not being able to contact him that triggered me to be angry. So my question is am I being unreasonable for being upset? Any answers would be gratefully received

OP posts:

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 13:42

Thank you all for your reply’s, it has made me feel more secure in my feelings xx

OP posts:

Sushiroller · 12/12/2019 13:47

You’re allowing yourself to be walked all over. I wouldn’t have let the dickhead go in the first place but it’s really telling that he chose golf over you. Stuff him.

This.
The drip feed that he is a cheating little shit makes me more annoyed.

As a reality check for you...
Hotels have phones - he could have called.
He could have taken you out on Thursday
He could have sent flowers
He could not have gone
He could have arranged it for another Sunday.
He could have done a million things... instead he did FA.

Ultimately he is telling you he doesn't respect you. I would never accept golfing every Sunday let alone this.

Personally I would keep the rooms separate and would be making appointments with divorce lawyers.
By staying with him you are setting yourself up for a very unhappy life with this man.

Also Do not breed with this man.

Hadalifeonce · 12/12/2019 13:51

This is a tough situation, and obviously I can only answer it from my own perspective. I would be mightily pissed off if DH had plans with me, then tried to cancel them for a golf weekend, There is no way I would give my blessing, and would expect him to rearrange his golf weekend, or not go.
But when DH does go away 'with the boys', I wouldn't expect him to contact me unless there was a problem, or vice versa.
So I can't tell if you are being unreasonable or not. Did you expect him to not go even though you said he could?

user1480880826 · 12/12/2019 13:57

You say you would never stop him from doing what he wants to do. However, this is obviously at the expense of what you want to do. Why are his needs more important than yours? You sound like a pushover and your husband sounds thoughtless.

Standstrong · 12/12/2019 13:58

Okay, I reckon you know the truth.
DO NOT put up with this BS. Demand to be treated properly. STOP agreeing to things you're not happy with.
Why women put up with this rubbish I'll never know (btw I'm a woman)
Ask yourself, if you have daughters, if one of you daughters was being treated like this would you be happy about it?
Pretty sure you're say NO!
I grew up with a golfing father and I even played golf myself and I promise you its a BS sport for shitty fathers to get out of being parents for as long as possible on the weekend!
Get your running shoes on and get the hell away from the useless turd!

MissSmiley · 12/12/2019 13:59

I would question whether he's even at the golf course or whether he's seeing someone else every Sunday, 4 hours or so is a decent enough time while he's supposed to be playing 18 holes

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:00

No, I did expect him to go,I knew he had made his mind up and as much as that hurt I kept that to myself. but I first tried contacting him because I had a problem with my windscreen wipers when I was out shopping and he didn’t answer. I then tried contacting him in the evening to see how he was and his phone was still off, then I started to get upset because my thoughts started thinking horrible things, the following day I though he would contact me but his phone was still off. And then I started to get angry because I though how inconsiderate that was and in my mind he phone being off was clearly intentional and to say that he lost his phone and then managed to collect it from a bar the following day just didn’t sit right with me. If he had genuinely lost it in a bar, I would think his chances of someone handing it in would be pretty slim

OP posts:

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:02

He normally leaves at 7:30am or 8 am and comes back in around 5 or 6pm it’s about a 45 min drive away from us

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 14:03

Honestly that's such a bad lie about his phone. No way he lost it when he got there then suddenly found it before he came home.

So the question is why did he wish to go away this weekend and not have any contact with you or the kids for the duration.

I'm sorry but I strongly suspect he is cheating again.

Craftycorvid · 12/12/2019 14:10

He plays golf every Sunday but one particular Sunday is your anniversary so you ask if he could take time out to do something with you, he says yes. Then he asks if he can not only play golf instead but have a ‘lads’ away trip ie prioritise other relationships and interests. You say yes. What were you feeling at the point you said yes? Were you hoping he’d say ‘ah, you know I’ve changed my mind’ and prioritise you? So he goes away and doesn’t call, you are upset with him, then you get the story about the phone. It seems neither of you feels able to be clear about what you want. You want him to prioritise your anniversary over golf yet you agree to his trip rather than saying ‘actually, I’d like this to be our weekend.’ He seems to be signalling resentment by agreeing then backing out and avoiding being contactable - rebelling against your implicit request for intimacy. How does this example fit with your general pattern of communication as a couple? Does one of you end up martyred while the other rebels?

Mermaidsinthesand · 12/12/2019 14:14

Is his name tiger woods?

LTB

UncleHerbie · 12/12/2019 14:15

I asked my husband what he thought: he said dodgy as hell, but if genuine surely would've borrowed a friend's mob and/or charger. I'd be raging

user1480880826 · 12/12/2019 14:20

I’ve only just seen your post where you say you have 4 kids. It is absolutely NOT ok for him to disappear every single Sunday to play golf while you raise his children. Why would you think this was reasonable?

His excuse for his first infidelity is unbelievable. He says it “doesn’t count” because it was an ex and he didn’t technically lie to you about it, he just didn’t tell you about it. What the fuck were you thinking staying with him after he did that?! Then he cheats on you again and you STILL stay with him and add two more poor, unfortunate children into the mix.

Do you have issues with your self worth? You seem to be on a mission to self destruct.

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:22

I think what you have stated is a fair summary, maybe I should have been more assertive and say actually I feel really hurt that you would rather go away with your friends when we have made plans for our anniversary. But I would never stop him from doing what he wants to do so I just said okay if that’s what you want to do. But not being able to reach him turn from being upset and accepting of his choice to go to me, reflecting back on the past, as a person I do not like confrontation and with my husband he doesn’t like to be challenged so often I just hide my feelings or when I do express my feelings he tells me all the reasons why they are wrong and he is right , hence why I come on here to get so opinions from others that are neutral

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ChuckleBuckles · 12/12/2019 14:24

He normally leaves at 7:30am or 8 am and comes back in around 5 or 6pm it’s about a 45 min

He is not playing golf for an average of 10 hours on a Sunday every Sunday for the past year, please just stop and think about what he is saying to you and what the likelihood of it being true is in light of the fact that he has cheated previously, you are being naive OP. Do you have support from friends or family in real life, you seem very vulnerable.

qazxc · 12/12/2019 14:24

You are not being unreasonable, in fact you are far more accomodating than most people would (including me).

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:26

My self esteem isn’t the best, however I do feel stronger reading all these reply’s, it seems i’’m not being unreasonable and it’s okay to feel the way I do, which offers me some peace of mind. I am truly so grateful to all who has commented x

OP posts:

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:28

I do not have many friends and only have 3 members of family other then my children. I don’t really talk to my family about my relationship as they hold my husband in high regard, I tried talking to my dad about this and he said, that he is entitled to have time away with his friends

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Eslteacher06 · 12/12/2019 14:29

Naaaah he's completely unreasonable.

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:34

I also suffer with anxiety and depression as well and he says that’s what makes my feelings towards him become negative and unjust, and that is also why I question myself and my feelings

OP posts:

TopOftheNaughtyList · 12/12/2019 14:38

My husband is a golfer and plays very regularly. Approximately 4hrs for a round of golf and 45 mins each way takes him from 8am to 1:30pm. He's either spending hours in the bar, or he's not being completely honest with you OP. The story about his phone is very suspect, so I'm veering towards dishonest.

wherearemymarbles · 12/12/2019 14:45

If his phone had run out of battery then he had no need to take it too a bar in the 1st place or have it out to leave it there

Is it an iphone? If so You can check last 10 days battery usage/levels so if it was flat on sunday you’ll know.

I personally wouldn’t believe a single word he has said, even about playing golf

Original poster

Graduation2020 · 12/12/2019 14:46

This may sound like a stupid question but as you said your husband plays regularly does he play come rain or shine ? because there are times when it is pouring rain and he still goes

OP posts:

ploofyorangebats · 12/12/2019 14:48

Sadly, I don't think he's been playing golf on Sundays for 9/10 hours at a time and I wouldn't believe the lost phone story for the weekend or who he has spent the time with.

He's treating you like a fool and you deserve so much better.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 14:48

I'd also agree my husband plays golf every Saturday morning , and he goes about 7.30 and is usually home by 12.30 unless he has lunch then it's 1.30 or so.

Op, If he's playing golf on a Sunday he's doing something else too. Because you book a tee time, then you are expected to go round in a certain time frame or you hold everyone else up.

Have you been to thr club, Met his golfing buddies, seen arrangements to book tees etc?

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