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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex found out about new partner

75 replies

Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 20:59

I separated from my husband in September due to a number of issues however it was kind of mutual and no 3rd party involved. He moved out and was being a bit of a dick in general but we were sorting finances and things out. Anyway I became friendly with a guy to talk with and see and we started seeing each other but not telling anyone and just taking it slow. My husband was supposed to be working away this week so whilst the kids were at school my new friend visited me. I didn’t know that my ex’s work was cancelled and he turned up at home yesterday to get some things and you can guess the rest. He’s been a dick ever since and thinks it’s been going on for a long time. Not really after advice as I’m sure it’ll get sorted just venting girls

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2019 21:02

you can guess the rest

Not really?

Elieza · 11/12/2019 21:06

Just tell him for the millionth time that you were never unfaithful to him while you were together and that this relationship is nothing to do with him or the kids it’s your private business.

He’s just jealous.

Techway · 11/12/2019 21:10

Did he interrupt you in the middle?? Not wise to have a new boyfriend at home when your Ex still has access.

I think you just need to see his point of view, it is highly suspicious and no one likes to feel superseded so quickly.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:11

@techway yeah 😩

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 11/12/2019 21:15

Oh gawd, that’s bad! I really don’t know how things go back to normal levels of dickness after that. I suppose you can only suck it up and deal with it, if anything... it may help to speed the divorce process up.

SitOnSantasKnee555 · 11/12/2019 21:17

It's barely been three months since you separated from each other and your marriage. Of course he's going to think it's been going on for a while, because what you call "taking it slow" is not really that at all.

If I left DH, end of September, and he caught me in bed with someone else mid December, I would call that moving blooming fast.

It's over, it's done, there's really not much you can do. You need to change the locks or ask him for his key to avoid this happening again.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:25

Yeah, he was supposed to be away until Friday evening

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 11/12/2019 21:27

Not sure why he thinks it's any of his business who you have sex with now.

SusieOwl4 · 11/12/2019 21:30

How would you have felt if it was the other way round ? Do you think he was thinking there was still hope of a reconciliation?

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:31

@thestrangestthing I know, I should’ve avoided this though

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:32

@SusieOwl4 not good and I understand him. He’s never acted like he wants to reconcile

OP posts:
MummaOf2Nearly3 · 11/12/2019 21:35

Not an ideal situation. But, what's it going to change? If he didn't walk in on you, would you be getting back together? No.
The outcome is still the same. You were going to get a divorce, you're still going to get a divorce. Just don't let it affect the kids

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:37

@mummaof2nearly3 true but he literally did walk in on us 😞

OP posts:
MummaOf2Nearly3 · 11/12/2019 21:43

I'm sure it was as uncomfortable for him as it was for you considering he's the only one having seen you like that for a while! Do you see this new 'friend' as becoming a permanent part of your life or just a temporary thing?

ChocolateTea · 11/12/2019 21:46

Do you still live together after the separation. Because if so, that's not great, how would you feel the other way round?

If you don't, ask him to knock next time

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:46

@MummaOf2Nearly3 I know. No, I’m certain this is just a temporary thing for both of us. He’s what I need right now but it’s just fun. Or it was 😬

OP posts:
ChocolateTea · 11/12/2019 21:46

Sorry just re read he moved out. If he's moved out, he needs to be aware he can't just walk into the house, regardless of ownership and keys, it's not his home any more

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 21:47

@ChocolateTea no, he moved out however comes around sometimes for bits he needs. He was supposed to be away Monday to Friday this week

OP posts:
Techway · 11/12/2019 21:51

As IdiotInDisguise say, you will have to suck it up. Trust will have been dealt a major blow, especially in relation to your children as you are hardly taking it slow.

Given the house is still a shared space he is entitled to feel let down. Reverse the situation, imagine if a woman posted this..everyone would say there was overlap and you can't trust what he says in future.

Do whatever you can to smooth it over as it's best to have amicable relationship for the children.

MummaOf2Nearly3 · 11/12/2019 22:02

Try not to blame him for walking in. You're right, it's not his space any more but he didn't know he would walk in to see that! Don't apologise for your actions though, you're separated and have every right to see who you like

RLEOM · 11/12/2019 22:20

Regardless as to whether it was a mutual decision to split, this would still be hurtful for him to see, especially as it's been so soon after the breakup.

On the plus side, it'll hopefully help him view you differently and therefore help him to move on.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 22:28

I know, just need to get on with it now

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2019 22:28

It’s not moving slowly is it and you know you’d have the same suspicions he does if it was the other way around. But it’s done now.

MsNobodyHere · 11/12/2019 22:31

You've split up. It's none of his business what you do. Also he shouldn't be walking in. Get the key back.

When ex and I split I struggled to get him to stop walking into my bedroom (he had never even slept in there). He did not like it and refused to call it my room even though he was moving out and had been sleeping on the sofa for 10 years. When he did move out he kept his key. I had to ask for it back. He did not like that but what could he do. It wasn't his home anymore. I'm with someone else as well and I know ex doesn't like that but I am free to do as I wish as is he, he just chooses not to.

You've done nothing wrong and you can move on as soon as you want to. I certainly did and don't regret it at all.

sadladytoday · 11/12/2019 22:32

If it was the other war round and you walked in on him in the bed you shared in your home barely weeks ago, I'm sure you'd feel brilliant. Not a great move IMO

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