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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex found out about new partner

75 replies

Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 20:59

I separated from my husband in September due to a number of issues however it was kind of mutual and no 3rd party involved. He moved out and was being a bit of a dick in general but we were sorting finances and things out. Anyway I became friendly with a guy to talk with and see and we started seeing each other but not telling anyone and just taking it slow. My husband was supposed to be working away this week so whilst the kids were at school my new friend visited me. I didn’t know that my ex’s work was cancelled and he turned up at home yesterday to get some things and you can guess the rest. He’s been a dick ever since and thinks it’s been going on for a long time. Not really after advice as I’m sure it’ll get sorted just venting girls

OP posts:
lucie8881 · 11/12/2019 22:59

What's done is done but now moving forward I'd stop your ex having access to the house.

You've split and he's moved out, the pace at which you want to get back into the dating game or the nature of those relationships is completely up to you. It's none of your ex's business what you do with your time and he too is free to build his new life at his own pace (however fast or slow that may be)

sue51 · 11/12/2019 23:06

Youve done nothing wrong. He should have let you know when he was coming round as he had moved out.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 23:09

Thank you lucie 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 23:10

@sue51 I know but he does come around for bits he needs and I didn’t mind that. I just thought he was away, such an awkward moment

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 11/12/2019 23:15

oh wow.... I'm so sorry OP.. this is the most awkward situ.. cripes Flowers

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 23:18

@bumblebee69 I know, I’ve not even mentioned half of how bad it was on here 😩

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2019 23:18

Oops! At least he’ll think twice about wandering in and out at will now. It was a bit cheeky of him not to check with you whether it was convenient and a bit cheeky of him just to let himself in (if that’s what happened).

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 23:24

@hebbagarbled in fairness he’s been doing it since he left and I’ve not minded, I just didn’t think he here then 🙈

OP posts:
Secretsantaname · 11/12/2019 23:24

You either need his key back or an agreement that he rings first. I know you said you don't mind but you could've been at home alone in the bath etc etc. Would he have felt it ok just to walk in then? Mind you he prob won't be doing that again.... Blush

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 11/12/2019 23:29

@secretsantaname yeah I know. Tbf if I was in the bath he wouldn’t come up he’d just shout or something. I didn’t hear him come in as we were busy and he heard the noise going on 😩

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/12/2019 02:37

If the house belongs to him or he’s in the tenancy OP can’t just take the keys off him, however she can ask.

scubadive · 12/12/2019 07:21

Well you’ve moved on very quickly, I’d be hurt if I were him. I think you need to put yourself in his shoes.

IdiotInDisguise · 12/12/2019 08:00

How much is ex contributing to mortgage/ rent/services?
I can assure you first thing ex will assume is that he needs to let “new man” pay for anything he is still paying even if you didn’t remember new man’s name.

I would say that the main damage is that a lot of the good will you need to get good agreements after a split will be gone. That’s the main problem.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/12/2019 08:58

He’s still contributing. I know it’s bad for him to see, I’m not saying it isn’t 😞

OP posts:
WolfOfOdin · 12/12/2019 09:48

How did your ex react when he seen you?

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/12/2019 10:33

@wolfofodin verbally abusive and threatening towards the other guy

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 12/12/2019 11:31

To be fair to him, if he has had to leave the family home and is also contributing to the payments, then anyone would be fuming to find you had a new man in a few months later.
For sure he will think it had been going on for longer. Anyone would.

Cheeseandwin5 · 12/12/2019 11:33

He’s been a dick ever since

Really you think this is somehow his fault?

wherearemymarbles · 12/12/2019 12:08

I am sure he is being a dick. As would most people (male and female) be in this situation and no one can blame him if he thinks this was going on when you were together

Your just going to have to ride out the storm

GlitchStitch · 12/12/2019 12:13

He's had to move out of his home, he's still paying towards it, and then finds another man in what was presumably his bed. I'm not surprised he's pissed off, he might even decide to move back in- I saw that suggested to a woman in the same situation as your ex on a thread recently and she wasn't even paying for the house.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/12/2019 12:34

@Cheeseandwin5 not sure where I said this was his fault

OP posts:
lyingwanker · 12/12/2019 12:53

So did he come upstairs knowing what he was going to find then? For what it's worth OP my exH did almost the exact same thing to me. We'd been split up a couple of months and he had taken our 2 children out for the day so I invited my very new man around. We had just "finished" and ex came back knocking on the back door. He then went round telling everyone he'd caught me cheating?!

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/12/2019 13:35

@lyingwanker yeah he must have 😩 he opened the door and we was in the middle of it and started being verbally abusive 😬 he definitely thinks I’ve been cheating

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/12/2019 14:05

You are separated and he has moved out. He doesn't live there anymore so he shouldn't just walk in and show up unannounced when he feels like it.

You've done nothing wrong at all. You are free to do what you want with whomever you want.

He got his feelings hurt but that's what he gets for just showing up and walking into the house he doesn't live in anymore.
He just needs to get over it.

WooMaWang · 12/12/2019 16:10

Wait a minute: he let himself into the house (where he no longer lives) having given you no notice. After doing so, he heard some noise in the bedroom that was clearly you having sex. So he decided to go upstairs and open the bedroom door and have a go at you.

Is that right?