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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I insist adult DD spends Xmas day with family? *triggering - rape*

75 replies

WhatshouldIdo123 · 11/12/2019 11:47

NC for this
I am estranged from my my mum and low contact with other DD. Lot's of issues. My marriage broke down this year after we endured a rape trial with other DD. Since then I have struggled with severe MH breakdown and been signed off work. I was suicidal for a time.

DD who endured trial is back from university and I am trying to hold it together for her sake.
I am very close to other members of my family who usually do the big family Xmas which my DD loves so much. I do not want to be the cause of this not happening due to my mum and other DD being there. It is just easier if I dont go. I didnt go last year but had my ex and DD here. My DD is said she will stay with me this year even though I know she will be so sad to not see everyone and see her family who she adores. She loves Xmas especially having all the family there. She has had a horrific time this year and really deserves to have a happy, peaceful time surrounded by people who love her dearly. I strongly suspect she is saying this just to spare my feelings. I am not in a good place and not much fun to be around. I dont want her to do this for my sake. I dont want her having to worry about me when she needs to heal. Should I insist she goes to stay with my family meaning I will be alone on Xmas day? She is refusing to but this stress is adding to my MH issues as I am terrified she will have a shit time of it. Should I just respect her decision? Really struggling.

OP posts:
northernlittledonkey · 11/12/2019 11:50

Sounds a tricky time for all, take time out & have just xmas with your DDs. They can catch up with family another time.

MrsSpenserGregson · 11/12/2019 11:50

That sounds horrendous - your poor DD and poor you.

How does your DD get on with her sister and your mum? Are they supportive of her?

Original poster
WhatshouldIdo123 · 11/12/2019 11:52

@MrsSpenserGregson She is very close to them

OP posts:
northernlittledonkey · 11/12/2019 11:52

Sorry to read this, not sure that the answer is but think you and DD who’s had difficult year need to be a priority.

minipie · 11/12/2019 11:56

Hard to say without understanding why you are NC and LC with your mum and other DD. If they are awful harmful people then your DD shouldn’t see them either presumably. If they are not awful, then why wouldn’t you grit your teeth and go see them at christmas for your DD’s sake. I realise it won’t be that simple but I’m struggling to imagine a scenario where you can’t spend even one day in their company but are ok with your DD seeing them?

Can you set up anything else for yourself on Christmas day so you won’t be alone and your DD could go without feeling like she’s abandoning you?

MsNobodyHere · 11/12/2019 11:59

I'm confused. So you aren't going to your family because your mum and other DD will be there? And the DD you do speak to is staying home with you out of loyalty?

LuluBellaBlue · 11/12/2019 12:00

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Original poster
WhatshouldIdo123 · 11/12/2019 12:03

@MsNobodyHere Yes. I have not spoken to my mum for nearly 3 years. Always had a tricky r'ship.

They are not awful harmful people and they adore DD. The reasons are too complex to go into here but it would be impossible for me to be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatshouldIdo123 · 11/12/2019 12:06

My mum doesnt know about the rape. She has had breast cancer and then major issues with blood pressure and heart problems. It was decided by my DD and sisters that telling her would probably kill her.

it’s your daughter who was raped and went through the trial not you
Wow. Not quite sure what to say to that. I will assume you have never experienced that as a parent.

OP posts:
HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 11/12/2019 12:07

If she wants to be with you, let her be with you. She may be craving a very low key Christmas.

Butterymuffin · 11/12/2019 12:07

Could she go over later in the day and have Christmas morning with you, or vice versa?

Original poster
WhatshouldIdo123 · 11/12/2019 12:09

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby You may be right there...not something I considered

@Butterymuffin Not really as it is about 2 hours away and doesn't drive but thanks for your suggestion

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2019 12:13

I think your DD who suffered this horrendous has to be your priority. what ever you do to make her feel comfortable and safe is the option you should choose. That means if you /your DM have to be friendly for a few hours than that's what you need to do.
That said it maybe wise to also leave the door open for your estranged DD. Maybe tell her your plans and say you would love for her to join you both.

managinged · 11/12/2019 12:14

Can you and your daughter work out a compromise: she spends Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you and then she goes over to the big gathering in the afternoon?

HollowTalk · 11/12/2019 12:14

I think I would feel worse if I left my mum on her own. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day. If your DD feels like this then maybe the best thing would be for you two to have a quiet Christmas Day together and then for her to go to her grandparents' for Boxing Day. Would you enjoy a quiet day with her, with good food and some films?

BlueCornsihPixie · 11/12/2019 12:18

I don't know what's gone on between you and your mum and your other DD, however if you really cannot suck it up for the sake of your DD think I would make sure she knows that you will be fine on your own

However she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions, yes she might be sad to miss the big family Christmas however she might be sadder if she wasn't with her mum. She's been through a lot this year, I would respect her decision.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/12/2019 12:19

I would lay it out for your DD who was attacked.

"DD I love you and I want you to have the best Xmas. I feel like you might be saying you want to come here because you don't want to let me be alone. You don't need to do that. You decide what YOU want to do. It will be okay whichever way and you will always have my love and support whatever you decide. Maybe you could go to GPs on Xmas day and come to me on Boxing Day? (or vice versa)"

It already sounds quite volatile with drama, let alone the added trauma of sexual assault. You could also tell her "It's OK to not have Xmas. You could just come to me for a few days and we'll behave as normal, no cards, no gifts, no decorations, no turkey - we'll just insulate us from the world and do things that WE enjoy, not what society tells us we should do."

managinged · 11/12/2019 12:20

Sorry, cross-posted. Well, could you drive her over on Boxing day, drop her off at the curb, then drive home? She could stay with them for a couple of days and then come back to yours.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 11/12/2019 12:21

OP I’ve not been raped but I have suffered trauma and the last thing I wanted at that time was a big crowd of people who were all happy and light and lovely. Not even my own family. It made me feel so much worse, I seethed with resentment at their easy breezy lives despite them being my family that I adored.

PepePig · 11/12/2019 12:26

Your DD needs to be the priority. Rape takes years to get over and you need as much support as possible. Don't make her choose between you.

Throwawayteachere · 11/12/2019 12:31

I think your DD deserves a lovely Christmas with family. If you had the option to spend your first Christmas post trauma surrounded by family and your grandma and sisters Vs with your depressed mother what would you want. It shows you raised her well as she wants to be with you and keep you company. But you need to put her first, she needs positivity and happiness to move on. Staying home with you when you are obviously still dealing with MH issues will just remind her why you have them (her trauma) and take her to a unhappy place. Obviously if you think you can hold it together for Christmas (if you can't it's understandable, don't force yourself) then have a lovely daughter day, maybe go a nice spa hotel? But don't keep her with you just so you aren't alone.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 11/12/2019 12:38

it’s your daughter who was raped and went through the trial not you.

That is a shit thing to say Lula.

Original poster
WhatshouldIdo123 · 11/12/2019 12:38

Thank you for your [mostly] thoughtful and kind replies. They have been very helpful

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 11/12/2019 12:39

I agree with @HigherFurtherFasterBaby

Have you actually asked your daughter what she wants instead of assuming she wants to spend Christmas? I mean to say this in the kindest possible way.

A rape trial must be stressful beyond imagination and it’s very possible she is not in the mood for a jolly Christmas. If she’s with you, she doesn’t have to hold up appearances. Keep in mind that your DM doesn’t know what she went trough but will be there during Christmas.

If I were in your shoes, I’d ask her what she really wants.

Flowers and hugs, I hope you will feel better soon

MrsSpenserGregson · 11/12/2019 12:40

Let your DD decide what she wants to do, and reassure her that you will be fine whatever she decides (even if you won't actually be fine). If she wants to stay home with you, let her. If she wants to be with her sister and your mum, let her. I'm so sorry for the terrible time you've had - it's one of our worst nightmares as a parent. Are you having some counselling / support for you? Flowers