Should I insist adult DD spends Xmas day with family? *triggering - rape*

[WhatshouldIdo123]

NC for this
I am estranged from my my mum and low contact with other DD. Lot's of issues. My marriage broke down this year after we endured a rape trial with other DD. Since then I have struggled with severe MH breakdown and been signed off work. I was suicidal for a time.

DD who endured trial is back from university and I am trying to hold it together for her sake.
I am very close to other members of my family who usually do the big family Xmas which my DD loves so much. I do not want to be the cause of this not happening due to my mum and other DD being there. It is just easier if I dont go. I didnt go last year but had my ex and DD here. My DD is said she will stay with me this year even though I know she will be so sad to not see everyone and see her family who she adores. She loves Xmas especially having all the family there. She has had a horrific time this year and really deserves to have a happy, peaceful time surrounded by people who love her dearly. I strongly suspect she is saying this just to spare my feelings. I am not in a good place and not much fun to be around. I dont want her to do this for my sake. I dont want her having to worry about me when she needs to heal. Should I insist she goes to stay with my family meaning I will be alone on Xmas day? She is refusing to but this stress is adding to my MH issues as I am terrified she will have a shit time of it. Should I just respect her decision? Really struggling.

rededucator

OP I absolutely think you can politely spend a few hours in polite company of someone you’ve not seen in three years. You seem to be putting this as more important than your daughter.

You’re so lucky that you obviously haven’t a fucking clue what some people can put family members through. Why don’t you try having some empathy with an obviously distressed mother that’s trying her best for her daughter, instead of putting the boot in. You should be ashamed of yourself. Maybe trying reading the stately home threads and educating yourself.

OP, I agree with other posters, that your daughter may prefer a low key Christmas with you. It might do you both good to spend time together without outside stresses.

Gosh, some awful posts here. I don’t quite understand why: the OP was all about OPs concern for her daughter and doing the right thing for her, so I’m not sure where all the accusations of selfishness are coming from. Furthermore, we have no idea what caused the rift between OP and her DM and other DD or how hostile the situation is so it’s ridiculous to say she should go there.

OP I have been in the same situation as you this year. It’s hideous. No trial to endure, but DH and I did all sorts to help and support DD. It’s so hard to know what the best thing to do is: leave her be for some space or be around, bring the subject up or leave it, make suggestions or not interfere... we did our best and clearly you have too.

Hopefully you can talk to her and arrive at a solution that makes you both happy/relieved/ comfortable and lets you enjoy Christmas. And despite what some are saying here, your feelings are important too.

BTW, OP, if I were you I would not explain to posters why you’re no contact as they will just use it as another stick to beat you with.

You can see that the majority of decent posters respect your decision to stay away and many understand that your daughter might like a stress free Christmas. Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with her grandmother’s illness, while having to keep her mouth shut about her own trauma and everyone in the room treating it like the secret elephant in the room. She may not want to discuss that with you, for fear of making you feel guilty. It’s just really so sad, what you have both gone through lately and I hope you both have an enjoyable and peaceful Christmas.

OP please ignore the vile posts.

I am estranged from my DM for over a decade; along with one of my siblings. There is no fucking way I could sit in a room with any of them, let alone on Christmas Day. However my children don’t know them so I suppose that is a huge difference.

OP as someone sadly with some experience of what you dd might be feeling I think giving her the choice is the most important thing. She might want the distraction of a busy Christmas or even to be around people who don’t know so they don’t treat her like a victim. Actually for me people who didn’t know and treat me differently were a lifesaver as I needed normality.

I’d try and put it to her in a way that she can go without guilt or she can stay - as low pressure as possible.

I am so sorry you are going through this it sounds truly terrible. If you ever want to talk can happily PM you anytime. I’m not going to say anything about your mother as I totally respect you obviously have strong reasons for your feelings there. The one thing I ask you to consider is your other dd. Would you be happier beginning to build bridges with her slowly? Only you know but if it would bring you happiness to mend that relationship please don’t give up.

You say you've not spoken to your mum in 3 years. What did you do the last 2 or 3 Xmases? Did one or the other of you not attend the party or did you simply avoid each other?

You also say that you and 'other DD' are LC, so I guess that means you do speak to her, but only rarely?

Seems to me that 'other DD' wouldn't be the main reason not to go, that would be your mother. In which case I'd say just do what you did the last couple of years since you were NC then, too.

At any rate, I agree with those saying that you need to impress on DD that you'd be fine alone and that it would be harder for you to go and 'make nice' with your DM.

Could she go early and make an appearance and then leave early-ish to be with you? Or vice versa, you and she do something nice in the morning and then she goes to the party a bit later?

OP, based on the above, I wouldn’t stress this one. DD has said she wants to be with you. Respect that and make it a fun special time the two of you together. She can see the family before or after.

I'm guessing op has poster before whence the other posts ppl are posting. I am wondering op after you're dd suffered such an horrific ordeal does it not make you want to mend you're relationship with you're other daughter? Maybe having the support of her sister and mother together might bring her so comfort and support going forward?

My mum was not told because of a serious concern about the impact on her health. That was not my decision. I did not agree with it but understood it.
It was my mum who cut me out
I am trying to find the best solution for my DD not me.
The last thing I want is to cause more issues for my DD which is why I posted here. I am very grateful for the advice given.

Sorry about the cruel and narrow minded posters you’re having to wade through, OP.

Christmas can be a very difficult and stressful time for many people and for lots of different reasons.
OP, you and your dd have been through a terrible trauma, the after effects on both of you will take years to come to terms with.
I think you both have the right not to add to the stress. As long as your dd has had the opportunity to state her feelings honestly you are perfectly right to accept what she says.
You know that your mental health cannot withstand spending Christmas with your mum, therefore your feelings should be accepted.
You need to protect your own health or you will be in no position to support your dd going forward.

OP I absolutely think you can politely spend a few hours in polite company of someone you’ve not seen in three years. You seem to be putting this as more important than your daughter

@rededucator
This is just unbelievable. Can you tell me how you spent Xmas day with your mum, who cut you out of her life, after not seeing or speaking to her for nearly 3 years?

MN is an amazing place on so many levels and many of these posts giving advice prove that. On the flip side there are posters without a single bloody clue who just cannot miss an opportunity to stick the boot in. I made it clear that seeing my mum was not an option and that I didnt want to go into the massively complex reasons for this. Im going to leave this thread now before it descends into a mass shoeing.

I wouldn’t necessarily call people narrow minded @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily .

I think people naturally have different mindful mechanisms which is why some people will sadly commit suicide when nobody thought anything was wrong and others can go through the loss of a child/ their whole family/ everything in their life yet still fight and continue.

Life is extremely challenging and I honestly think that some people are just naturally more equip to deal with it than others.

I can see the impact on OPs mental health, but I can also see why one would ask why OP is the one feeling suicidal.

No fault of OPs obviously, it’s just the reality of life I think.

It’s not nice to directly say that to OP however. You can’t really change the way your mind deals with things, and mental health is important.

Op keep going.
Try not to take offence at some posters comments- they may have been through things they consider worse than you’re describing.
It does halter perception and unfortunately take away sympathy.

You’ll find your way through. You’ve already made the first step by still being here.

Have you thought that DD really does want to spend Christmas with just the two of you?

When talk to her bear in mind, it may be that just you two, a selection box and some terrible telly are exactly what she wants after the hellish year you've both had.
No stress, no pressure to be jolly or festive in a big group - some actual down time for you both.

OP I know how hard it can be with family issues around Christmas. It's not the same as you at all, but this time last year I was mourning one of my DPs who had passed away during 2018. That DP had been granted a place at a hospice, but my other DP refused it because it didn't suit them. Consequently, my dying DP died alone, and in pain, and even now, over year on, and with my surviving DP really very ill, I am finding it hard to talk to them.

No one can legislate for grief in any of its forms. No one has a right to tell you your feelings aren't right, just because they can't imagine being the situation you are. No one has a right to judge you.

You will have to do what's right for you. For me, for now (not saying it's forever - although that may not be for long the way things are going) that means I can't relate to my surviving DP. I won't be seeing them over Christmas, even though they live alone. Not all my friends understand. I know that. But no one - no one - can tell anyone else what is 'right' to feel in a time of crisis.

Maybe just be honest with your dd and ask her what she would really like. Maybe as others said a low key Christmas with you sounds perfect to her. Maybe how she used to feel about Christmas has changed due to your horrendous year. Her perspective on most things is probably different now. I would give her the power to choose, tell her you really dont mind and then trust her that she will make the right choice and then enjoy your Christmas together or apart but dont keep going over it in your head once she gives you her decision, will just cause more anxiety for you both

Hi OP,
Just wanted to apologise for my earlier comment. Upon reflection I can see it triggered a response from my own past (a rape trial) and how various people created a huge drama out of it and key witnesses behaved like they were the victims with breakdowns and not able to cope.

No excuse to project that at you and so wanted to say I’m sorry and from everything you’ve posted it sounds like you’re a loving supportive mum who wants the best for her.

Are the other family members aware of the trial? Can I ask what the outcome of the trial was? Will it be the elephant in the room? Can you trust that some loud mouth won't let it slip?

Also, why do you not speak to your other dd?

It sounds to me that your daughter -who loves big christmasses- loves it even more to spend it with you. I can see why, since you supported her through her trial you might feel like her safe space if you see what I mean. Maybe you should just go with it and spend a cozy and safe christmas together.

If you can afford it, you could go away and make that a new tradition. If you have been feeling suicidal you don't want to trigger those feelings by putting yourself in a difficult position. That would be far worse for your daughter in the long run.

Lulu one of my parents always made my trauma all about them, and my knee jerk reaction to the OP was the same as yours.

But Jelly’s post is incredibly wise isn’t it. We can all only cope with what we can cope with and we should try not to judge.

Just wanted to apologise for my earlier comment. Upon reflection I can see it triggered a response from my own past (a rape trial) and how various people created a huge drama out of it and key witnesses behaved like they were the victims with breakdowns and not able to cope.

This is a courageous admission Lulu, and a generous apology to the OP

I apologise for my short retort to you.

Thank you @DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh that’s very kind of you ❤️
Hope @WhatshouldIdo123 and her daughter are doing ok and settled on Christmas plans

I think actually it might be nice for the two of you to have xmas together. Maybe quiet, low key is what she needs. Just let her stay home with you and have a nice day together.