Should I insist adult DD spends Xmas day with family? *triggering - rape*

[WhatshouldIdo123]

NC for this
I am estranged from my my mum and low contact with other DD. Lot's of issues. My marriage broke down this year after we endured a rape trial with other DD. Since then I have struggled with severe MH breakdown and been signed off work. I was suicidal for a time.

DD who endured trial is back from university and I am trying to hold it together for her sake.
I am very close to other members of my family who usually do the big family Xmas which my DD loves so much. I do not want to be the cause of this not happening due to my mum and other DD being there. It is just easier if I dont go. I didnt go last year but had my ex and DD here. My DD is said she will stay with me this year even though I know she will be so sad to not see everyone and see her family who she adores. She loves Xmas especially having all the family there. She has had a horrific time this year and really deserves to have a happy, peaceful time surrounded by people who love her dearly. I strongly suspect she is saying this just to spare my feelings. I am not in a good place and not much fun to be around. I dont want her to do this for my sake. I dont want her having to worry about me when she needs to heal. Should I insist she goes to stay with my family meaning I will be alone on Xmas day? She is refusing to but this stress is adding to my MH issues as I am terrified she will have a shit time of it. Should I just respect her decision? Really struggling.

LuluBellaBlue I have to say I agree with you. OP says her DM and DD aren't dreadful or hurtful but she can't suck it up and go for sake of DD. I'm struggling to think what could be so awful. OP it's you that should be supporting your DD as she's the ultimate victim in this case, not you, yes it's hard for you to see your daughter suffer but surely you should be putting your own squabbles aside in order to give her a happy Christmas surrounded by a loving supportive family? Instead she's sacrificing this to support you as you're unable to put your own feelings second place for one day. Incredibly selfish.

She might genuinly not want a big Christmas. Just because she enjoyed them before doesn't mean she will want to be at one this year. Give her options of doing Xmas with you another day and seeing them Xmas day or having morning with you and afternoon with them but don't push her if she says she wants it with you. If she says she wants it with you maybe plan it together, cook together, chose some films to watch, music to listen to or games to play and make it enjoyable for the both of you

Are you very close to your daughter, OP?

I was extremely close to my late mum and would NOT have been happy spending a day with relatives, no matter how close I was to them, knowing my mum was home alone.

@rededucator Thank you for such a brutal response to the very difficult situation I find myself in. Perhaps consider that 'sucking it up' is just not going to work in a situation where two people have not seen or spoken to each other in nearly 3 years. Perhaps visit the stately homes thread to see why. You dont fucking think I've been supporting my DD? You can always rely on some arsehole on MN to pile on.

Are you sure she isn't using you as an excuse for not going.. she may not want to face everybody and would rather just have christmas with you?

I agree with PPs that although your DD normally loves a big Christmas, she may prefer a low-key one this year especially since her gran doesn't know about the rape. Holding everything together and being in denial about what happened whilst she is in their company, may be too difficult for her. She may also feel that she wants to be with you because you supported her. All of this may have subtly altered the dynamic of her relationship with the others.

I will try and have an honest chat with her and raise some of the suggestions posters have given. Again thank you to most of you for your responses.

Jesus people, the OP says clearly that she had a MH breakdown and was suicidal. Maybe try having some empathy? Her daughter was raped, and there has been a trial FFS. How many of us would be able to cope with that without a fuck ton of help??? She doesn't need a kicking on here.

I think, and obviously I've never been I your shoes, but I am NC with various family members and the idea of seeing them fills me with dread, I would simply say to your dd, in a text so you don't put her on the spot, ' all feelings aside would you prefer to go to X or have a quiet Christmas? After this tough year, it is entirely up to you, but all I ask is that you are honest so plans can be made'. Then take it from there with a chat if needed.

it’s your daughter who was raped and went through the trial not you.

That's a vile thing to say.

Words cannot express how awful it is watching your child going through something like that, doing everything you can to support them but being terrified of making things worse at every turn. Putting your own thoughts and feelings to one side to make sure you do the absolute best you can to help your child through what is a protracted and horrific process. It doesn't end when the case is over. Of course the priority is the victim of the crime but that doesn't mean you should deny the devastating impact this can have on their close family, particularly a parent.

Firstly you don’t sound like you are in a place to ‘grit your teeth’ and get on with it with your mum and other DD so I would rule that option out.

In your shoes I would have Christmas with your DD so basically yes, respect her decision to stay with you. She would probably be very worried about you if she wasn’t with you so not enjoy the day anyway.

She may be very close to her sister and grandmother... but the proof of that pudding is that her gran hasn't been told about the biggest thing to ever happen to her and the thing that she's most needed support to get through, because it would just cause more issues.

So they may be close relationships, but they ultimately fail that test. They aren't without complication.

She may genuinely not feel up to pretending everything's hunky dory to her gran and sister. If anything, it will probably make her reassess those relationships a bit - an experience like this will do that.

I admit I'm writing with bias. I can't imagine that the dysfunction here which has not only seen you go nc with your mother but that has also resulted in you being low contact with one daughter with both your daughters 'adoring' their gran - I can't get on board with the notion that your mother isn't going to be a harmful presence in their lives on some level.

Talk to your DD but let her decide. I loved my gran. I also hated her because she was an utterly damaging force in the family. There would have been many situations where she would be the last person I'd want to see.

OP I absolutely think you can politely spend a few hours in polite company of someone you’ve not seen in three years. You seem to be putting this as more important than your daughter.

But also - I'm confused a bit - so before the split, would your DDs have both gone to see all this family and you and your H stayed away because your mum was there?

Or is it that the Christmas before last was pre NC so you all went to the family gathering, then by last year NC, so your nuclear family stayed home, this year you've split so Ex not there, other DD not there as low contact, leaving DD to choose which side she sits on?

Awful if so and if it were me I couldn't go leaving that one close family member alone, I wouldn't enjoy it.

You seem to be putting this as more important than your daughter.

I disagree, I think the wole post demonstrates how OP is worried about things imapcting her daughter and I would assume that it's a given that OP going would cause even more stress.

I've read some of your other threads. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, you do seem to be going through the wringer.
I hope things change for the better for you all.

Why are you estranged from your mum and also other daughter? I think this is important.

When I’m going through a shit situation, I always try and look at how it could be worse- it really helps me get some perspective on the situation.

So long as you’ve got your health and a warm place to sleep and food, everything else can be taken in at a rate you can handle- little by little.

OP I think you need to trust your DD. She says she wants Christmas with you then you need to respect that. Not question her motivation, what’s best for her - she’s decided that for herself.

In the same situation I’d rather have Christmas with my mum personally.

Anxiety makes drama and angst out of things that don’t need to be dramas. Just step back and stop worrying about it.

There’s absolutely no reason for OP to go herself. That’s ludicrous advice.

If she wants to patch things up she can do so on her own good time. But pitching up Christmas is a recipe for disaster for everyone as this currently stand.

Just leave her be.

Christmas really isn’t that important.

^ pitching up at Christmas

My question is - You appear to be the victim in all situations. Have you thought about your responsibility in each of the situations you find yourself in?
Perhaps when you have some insight, you might feel differently and decide to go along with your DD and accept, heal, move on and build bridges.
Fault most likely lies with all parties, but cutting people out of your life isn't really conducive to a supportive environment for your daughter.

Blimey, we put so much emphasis on one day! Can your DD spend Christmas Day with you and Boxing Day with your family?

Ultimately the only way that you are going to resolve this is to have a proper, honest discussion with your DD.

How is your DD now post-trial? I hope that you are getting support because your recovery will impact upon your DD's recovery and I do (gently and with understanding) think that you need to take this into serious consideration.

it’s your daughter who was raped and went through the trial not you

Be thankful of your ignorance that you've never went through it.

OP you're getting some pretty stupid comments and there's more than one. Talk to your daughter again.

Some of the responses seem harsh at first glance, but the message underneath is the reality of the situation.

I've been in a similar situation to your daughter (only I didn't report, so I can't even imagine the emotional turmoil that a trial would bring). It's amazing how many people you're surrounded by act like they're supporting you, but in a way, they make it all about them and their feelings. I'm not saying you're doing this, but it's incredibly frustrating when you feel like you have to be the strong one for everyone else, even though it's you that had it happen to them, it's you that lives with the nightmares, depression and anxiety that it brings, and it's you that had to stand up and talk about it.

I think you need to have an honest chat with your daughter where you haven't told her what you want to happen, and ask her what she wants to do, and say you'll support her. If she wants a big family Christmas, I do think going for an hour or two in support of your daughter is important. If she wants a quiet one, then you can make plans to make it cosy on a smaller scale.

Honestly, the cloud of grief that that incident brought me didn't lift for years. Little days of sheer happiness made such a difference. It almost allowed me to forget it happened, which was bliss. If your daughter wants a bit of escapism, I'd definitely try to support her in that. I think the worst thing you could do is completely go against what she wants so she either doesn't do what she wants to do, or she feels guilt ridden the entire day. It really is only one day, for a matter of hours.

You appear to be the victim in all situations. Have you thought about your responsibility in each of the situations you find yourself in?

Are you serious?

Am I missing a major element of this post?

People are vile.