My "friend" showed my boyfriend my diary and I'm horrified!

[NeonPalmTree]

A few days ago, me and my boyfriend were hanging out with a mutual female "friend" who I also live with. It seemed like a normal night, but to my horror it soon turned very sour.

The friend told my boyfriend of 2 years that all this time I'd been "using him" and she had proof. She pulled out her phone and showed us screenshots of my diary. She said that I left it lying around one day and she saw some entries about her, so she read it all and took photos of all the bad bits.

There were entries going back a year which revealed my worries about losing attraction to my boyfriend, my doubts about our compatibility, sex problems and lack of libido (which I now realise was down to the Pill I was on). There was a brief period when I thought I missed my ex and I put that in there and now this woman is telling my boyfriend I never loved him. It was all very personal stuff which I would never have wanted him to see and I feel horrified that she would do this.

I begged him not to look at the photos and he obliged as long as I told him the truth. So I had to reveal to him all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare. I told him I still loved him, and he said he believed me and would stand by my side. But I'm still so devastated for him and I hate my friend for what she did.

She had been looking for ways to break us up for ages (because she never thought we were a good match) and she was smiling smugly as she revealed it all. I felt like I was in a really bad nightmare.

I'm now trying to find a new place to live as soon as possible, but I'm terrified she's going to start blackmailing me, threatening to send all the diary entries to my boyfriend (I know if he read them word for word he'd be heartbroken). She's been urging him to break up with me for his own good, implying she actually cares about his feelings. She also doesn't seem to want me to leave our home for some reason (perhaps because she'd have to find a new tenant and she doesn't know or like most people).

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my boyfriend has every right not to trust me from now on and I'm half tempted to just show him everything I wrote (knowing it will break him), just so she can't hold it against us. Thing is, I half feel like he should leave me for this. My diary proves I'm too unstable for him and he deserves someone who doesn't have as many anxieties as I do, someone who finds him attractive always.

I'm just looking for some advice. A lot of damage has been done because of things I wrote and I want to know how to make it better.

I feel like your boyfriend is getting a hard time here when there isn’t enough info.

If he demanded you tell him everything in there - not good but if he was worried why you were so scared of him reading stuff that you’d written about him I can understand why he’d ask can you tell him the truth about what you are afraid he will read about him.

Overall he sounds like he backed you up and told your bitch of a ‘friend’ to piss off so so far I’d give home the benefit of the doubt.

What a total fucking psycho bitch. She wants your bf doesn’t she.

My own husband would not have asked for details from my diary

Sure, @pallisers
But OP's b/f didn't ask. He got told. He didn't want to hear. Once he had heard, he's probably only a human wanting to know that some of the things OP felt at time of writing are not feeling she currently has.

Appreciate your point about boundaries but I don't even recognise it as a boundary issue - more of an interpretation issue.
@PyongyangKipperbang explains it succinctly:
Did he bug her to tell him what she had written or did she think that she had to tell him everything. It makes a massive difference

It certainly makes a difference, & none of us know which version occured.

STONKINGLY excellent post at Wed 11-Dec-19 03:18:18, @mathanxiety

Steal her phone and delete the pictures. She took your property, I would take hers.

She's. No friend. Give her notice to leave, you cannot trust her plus I bet you she fancies him herself. She is not to be trusted.

Police.. right now OP.. do not let this scum blackmail you today or in the future..

Oh and please don't waste police time with this, she hasn't blackmailed you. Typical MN over reaction.

would YOU read your husband's diary if you found it? Would you tell him you would not read it if he agreed to tell you its contents? If you meant "just give me a bit of reassurance love?" would you happily sit and listen while he recounted "all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare." and not stop him and say "No I don't need to hear all that".

You've got me there, @pallisers.
Dammit, I just want someone in the toxic situation to be OP's champion in RL. It's maybe swaying my thoughts ... but I still feel that (excuse me OP, please see my previous posts direct to you to assure yourself I'm thinking of your best interests, not dissing you!) OP's lowered self-esteem issues may have caused her to feel she "had to blab everything" rather than interpreting a request for 'the truth' as a simler confirmation that her current feelings did not match the diary feelings.

& yes, ideally b/f could have gently shut down any 'confessional' OP felt obliged to give, but I imagine both he & she were reeling unwelcome emotions at the time, & not all of us can behave nobly under pressure.

However the whole ghastly debacle panned out, it's a chance for the OP to embrace emotional honesty - initially with her Therapist, & when she has fully understood her own boundaries, with this or any future b/f.
And no - emotional honesty does not eqaute with spilling out every private thought, because yes, I agree with you on the boundary front.

Taking issue with this though @pallisers -
Saying she "poured out more that she need to because of her own insecurities and feelings of not being worthy" - well that looks a lot like blaming the victim to me.

Not at ALL.
It was understanding the victim. Or attempting to, given her updates & background issues.

I may very well have have misunderstood - it's quite likely, I wasn't there! - but that again would be down to interpretation, not victim-blaming. I imagine OP & her b/f are both at a similar loss to understand - yet - the full dynamic of what went down here. My hope is that they can use it to build bridges & grow mutual trust.
But that's up to the OP, with help from her Therapist. I don't think any of us should be telling her to ditch anyone, except the Frenemy, right now.

Reading someone’s diary is like looking inside their head. It’s private and nobody’s business- not even his. Get him to watch Bridget Jones Diary for perspective and tell him that he’s your mark darcy. Cut ‘friend’ off permanently and as soon as possible

Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, an ex threatened to send explicit photos I had reluctantly posed for to my family.

I confided in my rather (her words) prudish SIL and her response was one I live by to this day. She told me that if he did, my family would refuse to look at them or probably even mention it to me because it says more about him that it could ever tell them about me.

When people behave abominably towards you - and this unfortunately will unlikely be the last time you encounter a really awful person, remember what they try to tell other people about you says more about them than it ever will about you.

You have done nothing wrong. Nothing whatsoever. I'm with DH 15 years and there's no way I feel entitled to know his innermost thoughts and feelings. At best your boyfriend probably wanted to clarify that you hadn't cheated, at worst, he gave you a grilling you didn't deserve for thoughts and feelings that he's likely felt towards you fleetingly over the course of your relationship.

I am reminded of a certain comedian’s observation:

“Everyday at last one thought goes through my head, that if my wife were privy to, she’d leave me immediately”.

Your mate is a cunt BTW.

Treat her nicely for now - keep your powder dry - ignore the drama and then get her phone and delete everything about you.
She’s unhinged.

There is no point getting hold of her phone and destroying it/deleting the photos as they are most likely stored elsewhere. So your friend, I would just block and remove from your life immediately.

I don´t think your boyfriend reacted badly to being ambushed. You know what was in the pages she photoed but he didn't and was probably in a panic that he was about to hear you had been unfaithful or the like (that would be my reaction, in any case).

What I would probably do, is just show him the pages. Take away all the power from your friend. Talk to him so that he understands why you were feeling this way. It may actually be a chance to come closer to each other.

And put prawns in the curtain poles before you leave.

as they are most likely stored elsewhere.

Most likely is not definitely. It is just as likely she just took the photos on her phone and that is the only place they are stored. It's defeatist to not even bother trying to delete them off the phone by inventing scenarios that may not exist. If (as I think is most likely) they are only on her phone and not uploaded or stored elsewhere, then she has everything to gain by deleting them, and nothing to lose either way.

Do most people not automatically save their photos to the iCloud these days? I don't think I know anyone who doesn't do that (or something similar if they don't have an iPhone). Maybe it is just the people I know? I think you would have to be pretty naive these days to think that deleting photos on a phone means that the photos are gone for good.

Mine automatically get stored and I regularly ensure that there's a back-up not in the cloud. It's hard when you lose pictures. Unless I told you where you wouldn't have a clue about where those go. Not that you'd be able to get to them, as you'd need to get past any passwords in place.