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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My "friend" showed my boyfriend my diary and I'm horrified!

94 replies

NeonPalmTree · 10/12/2019 23:03

A few days ago, me and my boyfriend were hanging out with a mutual female "friend" who I also live with. It seemed like a normal night, but to my horror it soon turned very sour.

The friend told my boyfriend of 2 years that all this time I'd been "using him" and she had proof. She pulled out her phone and showed us screenshots of my diary. She said that I left it lying around one day and she saw some entries about her, so she read it all and took photos of all the bad bits.

There were entries going back a year which revealed my worries about losing attraction to my boyfriend, my doubts about our compatibility, sex problems and lack of libido (which I now realise was down to the Pill I was on). There was a brief period when I thought I missed my ex and I put that in there and now this woman is telling my boyfriend I never loved him. It was all very personal stuff which I would never have wanted him to see and I feel horrified that she would do this.

I begged him not to look at the photos and he obliged as long as I told him the truth. So I had to reveal to him all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare. I told him I still loved him, and he said he believed me and would stand by my side. But I'm still so devastated for him and I hate my friend for what she did.

She had been looking for ways to break us up for ages (because she never thought we were a good match) and she was smiling smugly as she revealed it all. I felt like I was in a really bad nightmare.

I'm now trying to find a new place to live as soon as possible, but I'm terrified she's going to start blackmailing me, threatening to send all the diary entries to my boyfriend (I know if he read them word for word he'd be heartbroken). She's been urging him to break up with me for his own good, implying she actually cares about his feelings. She also doesn't seem to want me to leave our home for some reason (perhaps because she'd have to find a new tenant and she doesn't know or like most people).

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my boyfriend has every right not to trust me from now on and I'm half tempted to just show him everything I wrote (knowing it will break him), just so she can't hold it against us. Thing is, I half feel like he should leave me for this. My diary proves I'm too unstable for him and he deserves someone who doesn't have as many anxieties as I do, someone who finds him attractive always.

I'm just looking for some advice. A lot of damage has been done because of things I wrote and I want to know how to make it better.

OP posts:

tolerable · 11/12/2019 05:16

scumbag bitch.report that shit.OR IT WILL GET WORSE OR HAUNT YOU

tolerable · 11/12/2019 05:21

the polis dont "have"to investigate or even question her..or pursue charges.dickheads like her-get worse.you need your concern,even if not worthy of 999ncall recorded.hopefully-she.ll direct her sepsis elsewhere.just do it.good luck

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/12/2019 05:26

Be done with her and excommunicate her. Be honest with friends about what she has done. She is poison.

As for your BF, I think he reacted fairly well to this ambush of hers. It’s all very well for other posters to say how they would react in the moment, I doubt that any of us would truly be that collected. You have nothing to be ashamed of or apologise for, OP. You are entitled to your own private thoughts and inner life, and this bitch has invaded that.

custardbear · 11/12/2019 05:33

What a nasty piece of work she is

She either wants your boyfriend, or you/you to be single - the sooner you move out the better!

custardbear · 11/12/2019 05:34

Oh and perhaps get her phone and delete everything from it too - bitch!

DeathByPicolax · 11/12/2019 05:52

I'm pretty sure she has broken the law by photographing your diary. You have intellectual rights to the contant. I would go to the Police and get some advice OP. I think she can be made to delete.

ChristmasSweet · 11/12/2019 05:56

Move out now. Don't wait a few months, just move out. She can't be trusted, she is insane. Who's to say she wouldn't do something worse? Her plan to break you up hasn't worked, she will just try again. She wants him for herself.

Glitterygracie · 11/12/2019 05:58

The "friend" is an utter dick and you are right to get rid of her completely.
The thing is, I feel as if you need a change in perspective here.
You think your boyfriend is a bit of a prince among men because he "agreed not to read as long as....." don't you?
No sorry, you are entitled to record ANY thoughts you have privately and expect them to stay private. It doesn't matter what the thoughts were your boyfriend should have been as horrified as you. He should have told the friend that she was out of order and that he would not be reading the diary under any circumstances.
Stop making him a victim here, he isn't! You recorded private thoughts to help you clear your head. You are the victim.
Get rid of your friend and tell you boyfriend in no uncertain terms that what you recorded there is not for him to look at..... if he then goes on to read the entries (if friend does send them) or if he continues to hold them against you and make you dance to his tune, I'd be having a careful think about whether your future lies with him.

MurrayTheMonk · 11/12/2019 06:24

The friend is clearly unhinged. Get out of that living situation as soon as you can OP.
Does she have designs on your boyfriend at all do you think? I only ask as I had a similar situation once with the flat mate of my then boyfriend who did anything and everything to split us up because she believed they were soul mates. She told people at work (I worked in the same company as her) that they were together, she fabricated stories about me to him, and him to me, and engineered all sorts of weird situations-she even slept in his bed once when we were away (unbeknownst to her together-we'd started doing things without telling her so she couldn't scupper them), then told me he'd clearly had another woman in there as the sheets smelled of perfume-the list was endless and it was hard to believe it all at first and then hard to unpick fact from fiction.

People bandy about terms like personality disorder willy nilly nowadays but I'm pretty certain that's what she has and I wouldn't be surprised if your friend there has some sort of mental health issues going on.
Either way not your concern. Just get out of there as soon as you can.

Tricky re your boyfriend. Of course he doesn't have the right to demand you tell him anything. But that said if I'd been told someone I loved had thought/written horrible things about me I'd probably ask what they were too... I don't think you can condemn him too much for that. As long as he doesn't constantly throw it in your face going forwards now you've told him all.

SarahNade · 11/12/2019 06:43

She is not your friend, she clearly wants your boyfriend and is doing her best to break you both up so she can have him. Is there any time where she is sleeping or showering or something where you can quickly get her phone and delete the images?

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/12/2019 07:36

I sometimes teach writing for self care. Sometimes people NEED to write things down that others shouldn't read - how many times have you been advised to 'write a letter to him/her, and burn it instead of sending it'. Writing down thoughts and feelings is an excellent way to get them straight in your head.

Everyone should keep a diary, it's therapeutic. Nobody should have a 'friend' like yours. She wants your boyfriend. Or she wants him not to want you - is she single and wants a partner in her misery or something?

Collision · 11/12/2019 07:37

I’ve never heard anything like this before.

What a witch 🧙‍♀️

frillyfarmer · 11/12/2019 07:47

I would seriously consider moving out immediately, before she hurts you because her actions are so far from normal behaviour- she sounds fucking unhinged and dangerous.

Mermaidsinthesand · 11/12/2019 07:49

Sounds like she was after your DP from the start

Goldenchildsmum · 11/12/2019 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BigFatLiar · 11/12/2019 08:15

She's no friend.

Your BF now knows what she's like so I doubt the threat of her sending the pictures will materialise, if she did he'd hopefully ignore now he knows her for who she is.

Sounds like you have doubts about your own worth, rather than write them down why not talk to your BF.
For a while I was very down and it almost destroyed my marriage, thought I was ugly and he needed someone better. Eventually I broke down and spilled it all out to my husband who was relieved because he thought I didn't love him anymore. He helped me see I was still beautiful to him and he how much he loved me, took time but by sharing my fears he helped me through them.
Your BF obviously sees something special in you, don't lose that through self doubt.

Aussiebean · 11/12/2019 08:21

If she tries to blackmail you, roll your eyes, say ‘go ahead I have already shown him. But I still moving out’

Then walk away.

Take anything valuable in your room and give it to someone you trust and tell them why. Don’t tell her though. She can’t be trusted. So get anything don’t want to lose away now.

SpicyRibs · 11/12/2019 09:26

Police. They will take blackmail pretty seriously.

Blackmail Definition: "the action, treated as a criminal offence, of demanding payment or another benefit from someone in return for not revealing compromising or damaging information about them".

Not sure the police would be interested unless shitbag friend started saying she wanted money out of you otherwise she'd show the bf the diary.

As an aside, I don't think the bf did anything bad. He probably thought the worst and assumed the diary described an affair or something like that.

SunshineCake · 11/12/2019 09:50

My advice is to move ASAP and ditch the boyfriend tbh. Even book into a B & B would be better than staying in this house where you are her toy to play with. You are giving her power and also it isn't going to be a healthy relationship with your boyfriend as he now has something he thinks he can throw at you in the next row.

You wrote nothing wrong. Your feelings are legitimate.

ffswhatnext · 11/12/2019 10:02

You had to explain your personal thoughts to your boyfriend?
Have these two ever heard of a diary before and it's purpose? Doesn't sound like it.

You know what I would call her bluff and tell her to send them to him. His reaction will tell you a lot because there should not be any reaction.

It's not like you have been saying bad things to people. You have been writing them down. They are your own personal thoughts. Sometimes we have to get these things out of our heads and write them down. If people don't like what they read, well don't fucking look.

Don't be surprised if they end up together because she will be there to support him. Afterall she's only thinking about him. And him he ain't thinking about you, if he was he wouldn't have asked for an explanation.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 11/12/2019 10:03

This was what I was thinking.

There are things I've thought over this last year that if the people I'd had those thoughts about knew, they would be deeply hurt. Some of those thoughts were fucking selfish..... they were Me! Me! Me! and I was entitled to think them, but voicing those feelings would have been utterly inappropriate. So I didn't, but I did write them down on teh computer (and deleted them when I felt better).

You might come across threads where posters have written things down at a bad time and read them later when things were okay. They say things like "what was I thinking when I wrote that?"

Anyway, my advice is to get in the kitchen and cook a really nice curry for your flatmate.... with her phone in it.

Then move out (but as a pp suggested, get your valuables to a place of safety first).

I can't comment on your BF, though.

NannySusan · 11/12/2019 10:12

I am so sorry this woman did that to you. It is my worst nightmare , the fear of my most intimate thoughts being read by others is the reason I stopped keeping diaries as a teen.
Obviously you will be cutting her from your life.
Try to trust your boyfriend not to read anything offered to him by her, he knows it would be colluding in her assault on you. So he should be able to resist from that perspective.
Also, please keep writing. It is so helpful to get thoughts straight and worries out. Don't let this bitch take that tool for a happy life away from you.

SeaEagleFeather · 11/12/2019 10:43

Aussie Is right. Move valuable / sentimental stuff elsewhere asap.

I don't think that your bf was that awful. It's horrible to be made to reveal details you don't want to, but he was taken absolutely by surprise, and Slimey probably made it all sound awful.

Not sure your relationship can survive this, but dear god Slimey is one hell of a bitch.

GL moving.

Durgasarrow · 11/12/2019 12:24

You do not have to be ashamed for what you wrote in your private diary. Diaries are places where you work out your frustrations and concerns, and are places where your feelings can shift from day to day. What matters as far as your boyfriend is concerned is that the decision you made based on the venting/thinking things through/analyzing etc. that you did as you wrote down your thoughts made it possible for you to grow and to choose to have a relationship with him no matter what difficulties and ambiguities that entailed. The important thing is that you did choose him. That's the truest thing. And the rest of it is your process--which you have every right to have.

JustASmallTownCurl · 11/12/2019 12:33

Can't add much to what other people have said but just wanted to echo that her behaviour is disgusting.

She's a bully and on a power trip. If she kept a diary herself it sounds like it would be full of narcissistic vitriol. Horrible horrible woman.

You poor thing

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