My "friend" showed my boyfriend my diary and I'm horrified!

[NeonPalmTree]

A few days ago, me and my boyfriend were hanging out with a mutual female "friend" who I also live with. It seemed like a normal night, but to my horror it soon turned very sour.

The friend told my boyfriend of 2 years that all this time I'd been "using him" and she had proof. She pulled out her phone and showed us screenshots of my diary. She said that I left it lying around one day and she saw some entries about her, so she read it all and took photos of all the bad bits.

There were entries going back a year which revealed my worries about losing attraction to my boyfriend, my doubts about our compatibility, sex problems and lack of libido (which I now realise was down to the Pill I was on). There was a brief period when I thought I missed my ex and I put that in there and now this woman is telling my boyfriend I never loved him. It was all very personal stuff which I would never have wanted him to see and I feel horrified that she would do this.

I begged him not to look at the photos and he obliged as long as I told him the truth. So I had to reveal to him all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare. I told him I still loved him, and he said he believed me and would stand by my side. But I'm still so devastated for him and I hate my friend for what she did.

She had been looking for ways to break us up for ages (because she never thought we were a good match) and she was smiling smugly as she revealed it all. I felt like I was in a really bad nightmare.

I'm now trying to find a new place to live as soon as possible, but I'm terrified she's going to start blackmailing me, threatening to send all the diary entries to my boyfriend (I know if he read them word for word he'd be heartbroken). She's been urging him to break up with me for his own good, implying she actually cares about his feelings. She also doesn't seem to want me to leave our home for some reason (perhaps because she'd have to find a new tenant and she doesn't know or like most people).

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my boyfriend has every right not to trust me from now on and I'm half tempted to just show him everything I wrote (knowing it will break him), just so she can't hold it against us. Thing is, I half feel like he should leave me for this. My diary proves I'm too unstable for him and he deserves someone who doesn't have as many anxieties as I do, someone who finds him attractive always.

I'm just looking for some advice. A lot of damage has been done because of things I wrote and I want to know how to make it better.

Agree, drop her phone in water & move out immediately.

She’s a very toxic person, I really feel for you x

Tbf he may have thought she was writing about an affair with another man or something. I suppose that's why he said to tell him what was in it.

Doesn't matter what was in it. It was her diary, someone stole it and offered it to him. Decent people know what to respond in those circumstances. He shouldn't have bargained with her at all. Most he should have said is "please tell me if there is anything I should really know" but saying "I won't read it as long as you tell me the truth" is absolutely awful no matter what was in the private, intimate diary that was stolen from the OP.

Her friend is a toxic dangerous bitch. The boyfriend could also be a bit of a fucker - judging purely on what the OP said, personally I think he is and I would not be happy with him or his reaction at all.

What a bitch! I've barely ever heard of anything so vindictive.

'Thing is, I half feel like he should leave me for this. My diary proves I'm too unstable for him and he deserves someone who doesn't have as many anxieties as I do, someone who finds him attractive always.'

Most people's attraction to their lovers can vary, especially as you've been a bit down etc. That's not abnormal at all. I think everyone would seem unstable in their diary, as it's where we write thoughts we don't share- we all have them and they seem barking partly because we all don't discuss them.

What a thing to have happen to you when you're feeling vulnerable. :( Have nothing more to do with this person obviously, leave as soon as you can. If your boyfriend is serious about you, he should cut her off too.

Hugs and feel better soon xxxxx

I hope you're going to warn any mutual friends of this person's total disregard for people's privacy? They clearly all need to know.

Just when you think you’ve read the worst a ‘friend’ can do, somebody out-cunts them.

Her phone would be going for a close look at a lavvy pan, she would indeed be telt and getting a hoof in the fanny too if the gods aligned. (I have found my people)

Some folk in life are just nasty hooers. This is one of them.

God, don't bother the police! She is a shithead, and you are dealing with it.

If your boyfriend cannot take the truth about how you feel about things, both good and bad, he would make a piss poor life partner.
She is clearly not your friend, and he may or may not be your friend.
Time will tell. Brace yourself. It's going to get even more exciting.

I think the most important things you can take from this horrible debacle is that 1) you have a chance to open right up, warts & all to your DP, & from there an even closer, radically honest relationship & 2) he is A Keeper.

I told him I still loved him, and he said he believed me and would stand by my side. But I'm still so devastated for him and I hate my friend for what she did.

Don't worry about hating her, I think I do too.
Focus on the practicalities for now. Getting out from under her roof being your Number One, clearly.

You might call 101 to ask about your legal position re: her intent in riffling through your private diary & taking pics without your knowledge or permission. However - please also raise it with your Therapist, as you may be surprised what practical advice they may be able to offer, or direction they might point you in to get that advice.

It could even be, when you are feeling a little less wobbly about the whole nasty business, that you give "Friend" a verbal warning about 'her' pics & insist that she removes them from her phone on front of your eyes. I'd be very interested in a proper lawyer's take on this, & what your best course of shutting her down is.

And prize for the least subtle "I want to steal your boyfriend" Frenemy goes to........

She couldnt make it more obvious that she is determined to take him for herself could she?!

Was his "I wont look but tell me" done in a way that suggests that he was worried there was something really serious, such as you cheating, or in a nasty instrusive way?

First of all - make sure your boundaries are firmly in place.

Your diaries; your thoughts. You don't need to explain or justify that to anyone, including your boyfriend. You are absolutely entitled to explore your own fears, doubts and anxieties in a private and personal space. It's nobody else's business.

I'm fuming for you. How bloody dare she! She sounds unhinged.

Yes, move out pronto. Block and never look back.

And be very clear with your boyfriend that you expect his loyalty and respect and that includes NOT reading anything in or about your private diary.

I begged him not to look at the photos and he obliged as long as I told him the truth.
He's a darling.

She also doesn't seem to want me to leave our home for some reason (perhaps because she'd have to find a new tenant and she doesn't know or like most people).
Or maybe most people don't like her. Maybe the are not people-pleasers & see straight through her. She likes having you under her thumb where she can bully & humiliate you. Look back - this is a nasty incident ... but was it really the first?

Thing is, I half feel like he should leave me for this. My diary proves I'm too unstable for him and he deserves someone who doesn't have as many anxieties as I do, someone who finds him attractive always.
You know I mentioned people-pleasers, in the above paragraph?
I did that for a reason.
People-pleasers have thought patterns like this.
Another one to bring up with your Therapist my dear OP.
Your thoughts are nonsense - HE gets to decide who he's with, not you! And HE wants to be with you - even when "Friend" tried so hard to split you up.
I am not berating you for these thoughts btw. You will lose a lot of them as you work on your self-esteem & anxiety issues.

Your "Friend" is an irredeemable twat, whose masterplan has backfired on her. You should laugh right in her face, every day, until you move out. She has to live with being a vindictive, sneaky, bullshitting arsehole for the rest of her life. All you have to live with is some blameless anxiety, which you are already getting on with sorting out via Therapy.

What was all that about who deserves what, again?
Stop being daft OP, & enjoy how much your DP loves you. He has good reasons to do so. Let him tell you what they are, while you manage the fallout from "Friend's" disgraceful behaviour, together.

But, OP, you said he wouldn't read the entries as long as you told him the truth. That was very very wrong of him.

I don't think so, @pallisers.
He's not asking to know what's in OP's diary.
He is asking for more emotional honesty which - see a couple of OP's updates - anxious people with self-esteem issues are often not keen to do.
Not because they are bad people, quite the reverse, they THINK they are unworthy, & that 'Radical Honesty' would alienate people they love, cos they can't be worth loving ... .

If I, some random tired old git on the net can see that about OP, I imagine her b/f sees it way clearer. There's plenty to be angry about on OP's behalf here - but not the b/f who is standing by her & who has stood up to a bully who, frankly, I would dearly love to punch up the throat. Sneaky Fucker!

Oh what a fucking slimey bitch.
I would've smacked my diary right round her head then shoved the pages down her throat. (I'm not violent btw but she's a c*nt)
She's no friend. I'd leave there ASAP if you can.
I think she wants your boyfriend OP. She wants to show she 'cares' was she expecting him to run into her arms?
She's batshit.

I begged him not to look at the photos and he obliged as long as I told him the truth. So I had to reveal to him all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare.

This is what the OP said. The boyfriend behaved very very badly. He agreed not to violate her privacy as long as she violated it herself for him.

It is entirely possible to see the friend as an absolute bitch from hell AND see the boyfriend as not behaving as well as you would want.
I'd ditch the friend. And frankly, I'd think long and hard about a boyfriend who in response to me begging him not to look at screen shots of my private diary responded with he obliged as long as I told him the truth. So I had to reveal to him all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare.

I think the OP needs some serious thinking about her boundaries because the friend is utter shit ... and the boyfriend ain't all that great.

I'm not sure though.

Was "I had to tell him everything" from him or her interpretation of "Just tell me the truth"?

Did he bug her to tell him what she had written or did she think that she had to tell him everything. It makes a massive difference.

But Pallisers - when it boils down to it - NONE of us are all that great really, are we?

On the upside, he stood up to the Frenemy in anger, & reassured OP of his love for her. It's noy like he's witholding affection, & OP's feelings of "I had to tell him everything" are not necessarily literal ... they were both terribly upset & hurt. OP possibly pured out more of her inner self than she needed to, due to her own insecurities & feelings of not being worthy.

To me "the truth" was not a demand for specific diary info, but a request for reassurance about the passages Frenemy chose to read out. I cannot blame him for wanting to know if it's true that she still fancies him, doesn't hold a flame for anyone else, blah blah blah.

Those are your boundaries messolini - that's fine for you.

I'm only going on what the OP said. If what she said is true then for me, his behaviour would be very bad. My own husband would not have asked for details from my diary. I would not want to be with someone who asked me to tell me details from my diary so he wouldn't read my diary. The OP's words were fairly clear. Maybe you don't want to take them literally but I don't know any other way to take them. Saying she "poured out more that she need to because of her own insecurities and feelings of not being worthy" - well that looks a lot like blaming the victim to me. He could have stopped her at any time and said "no love you don't need to tell me any of this stuff that is in your diary". Why didn't he?

But even if we allow for him just wanting reassurance ... the OP had her trust and privacy violated terribly by someone she thought was a friend. She was vulnerable and upset. Why is the boyfriend vulnerable and upset too? Why does his upset mean he can ask her to explain her private thoughts to him?? She was violated - not him.

I have very strong boundaries. I wish the OP did too. I would not put up with this in a friend - who would? But I also would not be happy with my boyfriend either demanding or (if your scenario is true) happily listening to me recount the diary as a way to stop him doing something common decency should mean he would never consider doing.

would YOU read your husband's diary if you found it? Would you tell him you would not read it if he agreed to tell you its contents? If you meant "just give me a bit of reassurance love?" would you happily sit and listen while he recounted "all of the doubts and insecurities I ever had and all of the sex issues and a pregnancy scare." and not stop him and say "No I don't need to hear all that".

we can agree to disagree. in my opinion the boyfriend is not that great at all.

She hasn't actually blackmailed me yet, but I'm just terrified she will do. She said the moment he asks to see them she'll show him.

Actually, as a matter of fact, this is blackmail.

It's only your word against hers.

But she is a blackmailer, right there.

I think you need to sit down with your BF and tell him you need space now.

He should have told the psycho roomie that he had no interest whatsoever in the contents of your private diary. He behaved really badly here in forcing you to reveal what you wrote, with the alternative the reading of your diary. Makes no difference that he stood up for you. He took the bait. Weak, insecure people behave like this. People who do not respect another person's right to entertain her own private thoughts in her head that she committed to paper. You do not have to share every single thought and feeling you have with a partner. The fact that he essentially forced you to do that makes him look very bad indeed.

The roommate has issued an open invitation to him to read the rest for himself. You should tell him you will judge him based on his decision here.

Walk away from both of them. Let each of them decide what they want to do here. Grovelling, reassuring, appealing, trying hard to be attractive in hopes of keeping this man would be a huge mistake on your part.

No, I never cheated on him but sadly some of the entries about my doubts were fairly recent. It doesn't mean I don't love him but I've been going through some very low periods and I've been questioning a lot in my life. I'm currently in therapy so I'm trying to get better and I just hope boyfriend will understand
You need to bring this incident up in therapy so that you can ultimately come to grips with why you are around people like the friend and this man.

Why do you feel you owe anyone any reassurance? You have not cheated. You have had normal doubts or conflicted feelings as a part of a couple in a relationship, which every sane person on earth does, because >newsflash< people in relationships are human beings. You don't owe anyone your total, unquestioning, blind, full-on love and mental or emotional attention 100% of the time in a relationship. You are perfectly entitled to have negative feelings about the person you are with, about the future of the relationship, about things that happen including a pregnancy scare. Nobody finds their partner attractive all the time. You do not owe this man that level of puppy-like devotion. If you feel that this is what your partner requires, be thankful that this incident has provided a watershed in the relationship because that is a relationship red flag.

A lot of damage has been done because of things I wrote and I want to know how to make it better.
No, you have it completely wrong. A lot of damage has been done by a psycho and a man who should have told her where to shove her phone, and left immediately.

Ask your therapist why you feel you have something to prove to the BF here and how to stop feeding his neurosis or feeling you must continuously strive to be worthy of him and of this relationship.

You should not be in any relationship right now, if you honestly feel the diary entries are what caused this.

Yeap, all of us have had doubts about our feelings at times, that is totally human. I second the suggestion of destroying the phone, not of revenge but to destroy the photos

They're probably safely filed in the cloud, sadly. But destroying the phone might make you feel better.

I don't actually think your boyfriend has behaved badly. I think we would all be asking what your 'friend' was going on about.

I’m so sorry! That is a horrible betrayal and worse because you live together.

But please know we all have all kinds of thoughts! If we think or feel something in a particular moment that does not mean it’s truly what’s in our hearts. Explain to your boyfriend that your diary is how you work out everything going on inside you; it’s a brain dump. It’s not something anyone else could make sense of without living in your own skin. Reassure him that you love him and then treat him with extra care. He will get it!

So glad he defended you. You could use this sad situation to get closer to him if you wish. Something in your post makes me think he’s a really good guy that cares about you a great deal.

Some girls read my diary at my 9 or 10 year old birthday party. I still remember my horror and shame. It hurt so much to be betrayed like that. Please don’t stop keeping your diary.

"But, OP, you said he wouldn't read the entries as long as you told him the truth. That was very very wrong of him."

If someone said they had photos that would completely change the way I viewed my dp, I don't think I'd be able to resist asking my dp what was on them either.

OP, whilst you haven't done anything wrong, I think your relationship will not recover. At some point she will simply send them to him and you say that they contain doubts and criticisms, including recent concerns, details about his attractiveness and your sex life that will be hard for him to read and reconcile with what he thought he knew about the relationship.

You could try 111 for advice or getting hold of her phone to delete them but I would get ahead of it and show him myself, so that I could fully explain and take her power away.

Otherwise, she'll keep sending them to him and at some point, no matter how lovely he is, curiosity will get the better of him and he'll read them.