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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have no friends

69 replies

JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 20:54

This is something that plays on my mind every day, without fail. I don't have any close friends, or groups of friends. So many people seem to. My BF has two separate groups of male friends, and they're all so close. He says he'd be lost without them, and to be honest I feel lost. I feel pangs of sadness and envy when I hear about other people's best friends or friendship groups. I've never had any close friends.

I have always found it difficult to trust people and I think I have quite low self-esteem. I probably come across a little aloof, which is purely down to shyness and social anxiety. I had a sexually and emotionally abusive childhood which I think has affected me. My sister (who went through the same things I did) has the same issues with friends, and it hurts her as much as it hurts me.

I'm currently going through a tough time, a long-winded and complicated divorce, I have two young children, and my life is uncertain. My mental health isn't the best.

Everyone already seems to have established friendship groups, so I'm unsure as to how to make friends. I worry that if I put myself out there more then people would be putting up with me or humouring me rather than actually wanting to be my friend. I know I'm a good person, I'm caring and empathetic and I just want to be accepted and have close friends.

I feel very lonely. Am I the only one?

OP posts:
An0nym0us2011 · 10/12/2019 20:58

Hi , I'm in the same boat but I have 2 small kids. I have 0 friends, literally 0. Just my mum and my boyfriend to talk to. I get really lonely but it is what it is. I suffer from really bad social anxiety so its something I struggle with but iv come to terms that il probably never have a friend

Original poster
JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 21:01

@An0nym0us2011

Sorry it's the same for you as well. I have two small kids too Flowers

OP posts:
nameymcnamechangeagain · 10/12/2019 21:13

I’m in exactly the same position so I’m afraid I have no advice Sad it’s a horrible situation to be in

Jumblebee · 10/12/2019 21:13

I could have written this thread. I have one friend (that isn't DP!) but she has her own busy life with 2 kids same as me.

I'm so jealous of all the people posting on Facebook their Christmas outings with friends and jealous of DP with the same group of friends he's known since Middle school.

He thinks it's just a matter of socialising more and saying yes to going out with people eg work people or school mum acquaintances but he doesn't understand the feelings of anxiety and the worries about if they really like me or what would we speak about.

I look at my old group of friends moving on with new friends and feel pangs of sadness. OK, self pity rant over. You have a fellow friendless hand to hold Flowers

shellsbells43 · 10/12/2019 21:14

You are not alone, I am the same. When you have been abused (in any way) it is very difficult to trust and let people in. I don't have any friends, since leaving leaving the workplace, in 2011! I have 4 children, and set up my own business after leaving general work (sole trader = a lot of time alone), I have no-one to call a friend! I too, am like you, shy with social anxiety and it can sometimes come across the wrong way. Why don't we help each other?
S xx

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2019 21:15

You aren't the only one, that's for sure. I have like one childhood friend, who lives far off and I talk to every couple of months and that's it.

I get along well enough with people. Used to be a very quiet soul but now adays I'm pretty chatty. But even back in uni when I had lots of acquaintances, even then none of them were really 'friends'. Well, bar one, who was a frenemie.

I seem to attract not the most pleasant sorts but I try not to let that deter me from trusting. It probably should more than it does tbh xD. Yet I still end up with it being just me. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm too dull or something xD

Meetup groups ect get me out and about but again, not real friendships.

I am perfectly comfortable in my own space, which helps. But it would be nice to have some close real friends.

I guess growing up in the 90s I thought it would be like the tv show 'friends' by now lol.

I wish I had decent advice. Because 'get out there and meet people', yeah unfortunately that doesn't work. But hopefully someday something will stick. And that something will be a friendship with a decent human being.

Original poster
JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 21:25

It's nice to know I'm not alone, but not nice to know other people feel the same as me if you know what I mean!

@nameymcnamechangeagain Flowers (I love your username btw!)

I like the idea of helping one another @shellsbells43

@Jumblebee have a friendless hand hold back from me Flowers

@Pinkbonbon I can identify with so much of what you've said. I expected adulthood to be like Friends too! Luckily, same as you, I enjoy my own company so I pootle along OK on my own. But I can't get over the feeling that something significant is missing

OP posts:
Original poster
JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 21:27

@shellsbells43 Similarly to you, I work freelance in a 1-2-1 situation with a client (I'm an interpreter) so I don't have work mates as such. That can be isolating too

OP posts:
goodluckhun · 10/12/2019 21:28

I'm the same! I have a few people I chat to now and then but no real friends. I was writing Christmas cards recently and all were for DH's friends and family and a few for my family but no personal ones from me to anyone. I nearly wrote one to someone I work with just so I'd have one card to send that wasn't because of him but that felt weird
. It's hard

Original poster
JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 21:30

@Jumblebee And yes, it's simply not a matter of 'getting out and socialising more'. That only works to a certain extent and in quite a superficial way (for me anyway!). I can really identify with what you've said about your DP and his friends, it's exactly the same for me

OP posts:
MTJJ · 10/12/2019 21:36

Hi. The 'dating' app Bumble also has a BFF section and a networking section (you can block the dating bit). I'm in my mid 40s and have already made several new friends in a month using the BFF bit, one of whom I already get on brilliantly with and meeting more people through her. Maybe give it a try. You can set an age range too. There's also meetup.com but that tends to be groups so if your anxious 1-2-1 friends on Bumble BFF might be your thing. There's also the friendship app Hey Vina - that tends to be younger women looking fir friends I found.

IrishMamaMia · 10/12/2019 21:39

I struggle to make closer friends too. Mum and work friends are a particular challenge for me. It's hard as it seems to come easily for most people.
I have a lovely partner and am closest to family but it can really get me down. You're not alone.

pascalstriangle · 10/12/2019 21:41

I am the same - two young children, divorced, no friends. I very much like my own company but often feel a pang of envy when I see others going for a drink with mates. Everyone seems to have a 'gang' of mates they can socialise with, whereas I have one very busy friend that I'm not that close too anymore.

Others do try to get to know me, but then when I next see them, I can't face doing the whole small talk thing so I act aloof/busy so they won't talk to me. I have some social anxiety and I think this is probably my defense mechanism. Unfortunately it means I haven't struck up any new friendships.

I also think that I can only deal with people on my terms/when want to, so from their perspective, I'm a terrible friend prospect. And I also can't talk naturally the way people generally do. Unless I have a huge rapport with the person, I am awkward af when talking.

So, you are not alone in terms of being alone! It's crap.

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2019 21:44

I tried bumble once and when we were meant to meet for coffee, she didn't show -but a young lad and his pal did and I think it had been them pretending to be her. So that was fun. Weirdos everywhere :/

plumbabe · 10/12/2019 21:44

I understand this. My one true friend lives 3 hours away. I find it impossible to forge close friendships. I just don’t get how other people do it. I chat to people but how do you get to be the person they call to go shopping with? It’s very very lonely. I’d love a couple of close mates to socialise with. I do everything on my own. I wish it was different!

pascalstriangle · 10/12/2019 21:45

We are all quite similar aren't we? Freelancers, struggle with talking, history of abuse/difficult relationships growing up, social anxiety, all happy in our own company.

My son has ASD and I've often felt similar to him (or vice versa). Girls are known to mask it growing up.

Original poster
JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 21:50

@pascalstriangle I could have written your posts! Very much like me.

I'm sorry that happened to you @Pinkbonbon, that's horrible Sad. May give bumble a quick look anyway and hope my luck is better. Thanks for the recommendation @MTJJ

OP posts:
Original poster
JudasHisCarrot · 10/12/2019 21:52

Yeah @plumbabe, it feels like I do everything on my own too

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 10/12/2019 22:00

I’m the same. I have no friends at all, not one. I left school early due to bullying, didn’t go college, worked on my own so never made any friends that way then had kids. Everyone said kids would be a way to make friends but mine are 8,7,5 and 2 and I don’t have a single friend still, them starting school didn’t help as unless I were to physically approach people which I’m too shy to do then no one has befriended me either. My sister is the exact opposite and could make friends anywhere, she has a massive group of friends and I sometimes wonder why I am not like that.

MTJJ · 10/12/2019 22:05

@judashiscarrot I've met 3 lovely new friends so far through Bumble BFF and regularly meet with 2 nice groups on meetup. @pinkbonbon - that sounds awful but hope that was one bit of bad luck :(

onemoresipofthehenny · 10/12/2019 22:09

I'm in the same boat too, I often feel very alone, especially when you just want someone to talk to other than DP.
I could have wrote the top half of your thread, so I have major trust issues starting from my childhood.
I have no advice unfortunately, I just wish I could make friends as easy as others do too!

dimsum123 · 10/12/2019 22:10

Me too. No close friends. Abusive and neglected childhood.

I used to think I had 'friends' but gradually realised they were very unhealthy relationships and so I distanced myself. Now I have aquaintances.

It is very lonely and upsetting but I'm kind of used to it now and ok in my own company.

DH otoh has loads of friends and goes out all the time. He had a loving non dysfunctional childhood.

I do everything on my own too. The weird thing is now that I'm so used to it I don't even want to do things with other people anymore.

No idea how to change things. I know I'm not being very helpful but you are definitely not the only one who feels this way.

Sarcelle · 10/12/2019 22:19

Me too. I have a DH, no family and some friendly colleagues. Friendly in a light way, bit of banter and chat, but not for socialising with or relying on in an emergency. I worry about the future. If my DH was not here I would be totally on my own.

MurrayTheMonk · 10/12/2019 22:26

I lost a list of fiends when I got divorced and it's altered my relationships with the ones I did have in some not always good ways. Think because I don't trust people as I used to.
I don't have as many friends anymore though I do still have some... Very difficult to make new friends later in life I think.

Where do you live OP? Town or country?

MurrayTheMonk · 10/12/2019 22:29

List of fiends. What? Lot of friends...