I have no friends

[JudasHisCarrot]

This is something that plays on my mind every day, without fail. I don't have any close friends, or groups of friends. So many people seem to. My BF has two separate groups of male friends, and they're all so close. He says he'd be lost without them, and to be honest I feel lost. I feel pangs of sadness and envy when I hear about other people's best friends or friendship groups. I've never had any close friends.

I have always found it difficult to trust people and I think I have quite low self-esteem. I probably come across a little aloof, which is purely down to shyness and social anxiety. I had a sexually and emotionally abusive childhood which I think has affected me. My sister (who went through the same things I did) has the same issues with friends, and it hurts her as much as it hurts me.

I'm currently going through a tough time, a long-winded and complicated divorce, I have two young children, and my life is uncertain. My mental health isn't the best.

Everyone already seems to have established friendship groups, so I'm unsure as to how to make friends. I worry that if I put myself out there more then people would be putting up with me or humouring me rather than actually wanting to be my friend. I know I'm a good person, I'm caring and empathetic and I just want to be accepted and have close friends.

I feel very lonely. Am I the only one?

I'm sorry you're feeling so low OP.

I've never had lots of friends, and in my teens and 20s I had very dysfunctional co-dependent "friendships" with people I thought needed my protection. I believed my only value was in what I could give to them, or to save them.

Needless to say it resulted in lots of horrible situations with people taking advantage of me etc.

I am now in my 40s and much more reserved. I do not have any close friends that are outside my current role/industry. I make them while I'm there.... but then I phase them out when I leave.

I have never felt lonely (for my whole life as far as I can remember.) I might think "Huh, it would be good to catch up with Anne some time" but rarely does that translate into action as it would involve me investing some time in arranging and meeting. It would be much less monetary investment to sign up to a meetup group, evening adult education class, etc, and acquire superficial relationships with people, to satisfy your need for socialising.

I know I'm going massively against the grain here and I know most people don't think/act like me. I'm just telling you what works for me on the off-chance that you've absorbed society's "YOU MUST FIND A MATE" message without actually wanting a mate.

I feel the same op.

I have one friend but she's just had a baby so is busy. I've not long had a baby who has allergies, reflux and I just feel so alone sometimes.

I like my own company usually but I'm really struggling having the baby.

We moved to a new area a few months ago, son started new school in September, sometimes people make small talk with me at the school gates but it's very occasional.

I'm just lonely and feel out of my depth.

Personally, since being a mother I have found my social circle has shrunk over the years - it also has become harder since two of my children were diagnosed with Autism. Loneliness just seems to have engulfed me. Thank you for making this post, and I wish you well.

I'm the same, luckily I have lovely DP. I have social anxiety and severe low self esteem, but my shyness comes across as arrogance so no one ever really likes me

You aren't the only one, OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm sorry that it's hurting you so much.

To be honest, I've given up now. I've tried all the things that you are supposed to do, really put myself out there on multiple occassions - but nothing sticks. I'm always on the outside looking in.

I think of myself as a wallpaper person and it's been that way most of my life. It's very rare for people to take a dislike to me, and I'm sure if I died people would say 'Oh Pinkshoelace, she was a nice women', but nobody really actively likes me either. I'm just sort of 'there' like wallpaper - you don't dislike it but you don't care about it or particularly notice it.

It hurts less now I'm getting older. I'm busy with work and my husband and family and I fill the rest of my time with projects and other hobbies that I enjoy.

Hopefully with time, things will change for you for the better.

@Pinkshoelace the wallpaper analogy is perfect. That’s exactly how I feel!

Same boat too!

I’m the same OP. When I was young I used to cry a lot because I was sick of being stuck in the house on my own, I wanted a group of friends to go on nights out with. I joined weeknight hobbies but I was always sitting at home alone on Friday and Saturday night. I was desperate for a birthday night out or a Christmas party like everyone else. But in the end I just accepted that nobody wants to be my friend and I’ll probably never know why. So I just accepted being on my own - it makes me feel sad but I don’t cry about it any more.

Now I have DC so I can’t go out anyway. I’m too tired to worry about not having any friends. I don’t even try any more. If you stop trying then you’re not being rejected and you’ll feel better.

Same here too.
Literally have my two DCs and OH. I used to have lots of friends and a good group of close girls, but sadly grown apart/moved away. I think I’m weird or just bore people.

I like the wallpaper analogy too! And yeah, that's how I feel.

I'm sorry there's so many of you that feel like me. Big unmumsnetty hugs for you all (and cake and wine)

@murraythemonk I definitely think it's harder to make friends later in life. You have more responsibility, more stress, your life is busier - and other people generally have their own established friendship groups.

I live in Brighton, but there's a chance I'll be moving elsewhere in Sussex next year. What about you?

In the south east-Essex.
Maybe if and when you move again you could see as a new start and kind of tackle it like a project-plus easier to say to people when you are new somewhere 'I'm new-I don't know anyone-would we be able to have a coffee and you can tell me where the best places to go for....whatever...are' kind of gives you an in.
I would be happy to do that for someone new to an area and I think lots of people would.

Wallpaper here too.

DH does say though that if he didn't contact various friends to arrange to meet up then they'd never meet as the friends would never contact him. It doesn't seem to bother him though....

Ladies, haven't read the e tire thread but most of you seem to be in the same position. Why don't you either ask Mumsnet if they would set up some kind of "buddy" thread or one of you set up a group online.
Now this will sound really old fashioned but perhaps you could PM anyone you think you might have something in common with and write to them.
You don't need to give them your life story. Just start with Hi I'm........ Have 2/3/4/5 kids, live near the sea/countryside / town centre. Etc. Tell each other if you have a little win, ie your 18 month old is finally talking,
Share your grumps, next doors bloody dogs barked all night again.
Don't rush in offering support you can't give. Keep things light to start with.
Building friendships takes time, start small. Eventually you will find people who will make you smile when you get their letter and glad that you know them.
Good luck all.
Merry Christmas
🎄🎅🎁🍷💐🍫🍧🍰🍅🎎
Hope my emojis have catered for most of you,. If not at least you can talk about the "mad women with the emojis"
There I've even started your first letter for you.

I agree with the wallpaper analogy too. It’s hard not having anyone and it’s definitely harder once you get older. I don’t even have a partner to make up for the lack of friends so I literally have no one I can speak to. And won’t be able to meet anyone either as have 4 children and I’m on my own with them. I feel like I’m just existing for them. No friends, social life, partner and pretty much no family only 2 members of family.

Hi all, feel very moved by all your posts. I'm not going to pretend to be shy or have social anxiety. I'm not. But I am self conscious about how I sometime bulldoze conversations. I just get carried away with how ( in my head) fabulously interesting I think I'm being. And then I realise I haven't been listening and I've missed out. I've probably been annoying to. So I'm sorry if any of you have met a person like me. We need to work on our social skills too. I have just read an article in guardian Monday supplement. Has anyone heard of the 'shy and Mighty society?

Another in the same boat - goodness I am lonely! I was always told that my ‘friends’ only wanted to have anything to do with me when they had nothing better to do. That and other childhood emotional abuse has meant I have a real difficulty with relationships and friendships. I have no idea if it was true but it has certainly become a self fulfilling prophecy!

@JudasHisCarrot

I struggle with loneliness and social anxiety too, along with mental health issues. I'm currently going through a difficult divorce. My local Mind branch run peer support groups and a cafe drop in which is a safe space where everyone understands anxiety and life's ups and downs. I would really recommend looking to see if your local Mind branch or another mental health/wellbeing charity near you runs similar spaces. It has helped me through difficult times and I have met wonderful people. I am now feeling strong enough to persue friendships by going to groups and clubs through the Meetup website. It's surprising how many people are in a similar situation to ourselves, and Meetup is fantastic for finding all kinds of activities and social groups.

I hope your world gets a little bigger and warmer soon xxxx

I used to have several different groups of friends and was even at one point the catalyst for bringing them all together and making one big friendship group. We went out all the time and I was usually the one organising things or definitely the first person people thought to ring when they were organising something.

That was 25 years ago though. We all moved on. Some moved abroad. The rest of us had families/moved jobs/lost touch.

I’m now a Billy No Mates. Lots of acquaintances and one good friend I meet up with three times a year - who spends the whole time talking about holidays and days out she’s been on with her other friends.

Sigh. I don’t know how it happened.

You're certainly not alone op, Reading through the replies on this thread.

I don't have people you'd call close friends, pregnant second time round and I'm dreading it. There's no mother and baby groups where I live (15/20 min drive to them) and I don't drive, I'd love to drive just to push myself to get out.

I'm envious of my sibling, they have a big group of school friends that all have kids the same age and constantly go out with each other, birthdays, baby showers and just coffee days. Unless I go because its siblings birthday/shower ect I've never been to one.

I do have two friends ill invite, but they're the type of friends who will be all over you like a rash and then dump you as they tend to move around their circle (dunno if that's normal?).

I was really shy/anxious when I was at school, into my 20s I struggled (I've never really worked) and I think I've got to the age now where I really regret not making more of an effort or pushing myself to get a job and now I don't even know where I'd find people to make friends.

I just hope soon as my youngest gets to school I can try find people to start talking to. Try not to dwell on it, if I did if make myself very depressed. Id say of you can drive to try soft plays and places for the kids. This is my aim to drive once baby is here.

Definatly not the only one I’m 31 and have one friend who I hardly ever see. My one friend has loads of friends though but she tends to go from one to the other depending on who has more free time to be around her all the time which I find odd so I keep her at arms length.
I found out years ago that a lot of friends are fake and quality over quantity.
My friend who seems very popular has been lied to, robbed, and beat up from being too friendly with just anybody. She seems to tag herself along into anyone regardless of their morals.
I have a lot of sisters and a wonderful mother so think of them as my friends as well as siblings.
I’d have liked to be more popular and have a good group of friends but sadly don’t and tbh a lot more people are the same than you’d think.

Get a chat group going ladies!

@PuppyMonkey

Snap!

Me too and also 25 years ago. My friendship groups have got smaller and smaller over the years.

One big reason was giving up work after DCs. Was so easy to meet up after work in London with work friends and non work friends, uni friends etc.

Then we had DC, moved to new area, didn't know anyone, had severe undetected PND plus severe eczema which meant I lost all confidence and wasn't even able to try and make mum friends at DCs school.

Now I've got so used to being alone, even though I feel lonely and wish I had someone to go to the cinema with, shopping etc, I have just accepted this is it.

One little note of optimism though....I have seen that it does seem to become easier and possible to make friends as you get older, DCs grown up and with others also at the same stage of life there is more time to go out, join clubs and rebuild friendship groups.

My parents have done that and in their 70s have such a wide circle of friends, many of which they've made through going to bridge club etc.

So it may not always be this way...

You’re situation is changing; you were married and now getting divorced. I found when that happened to me, it was easier to make new single girlfriends as we had so many common talking points. You have to go to organised groups/evenings for singles, forget about the gruesome guys and just go with the mindset of meeting like minded women.

Ibizafun - I joined meetup for that reason. Really tried hard to get myself out there and went to a few meals out. Unfortunately, on average all the divorced/single women were ten years older than me. Many of them were in their late fifties. Seems i have divorced a decade too early (I'm late 30s) to make friends!