Maybe the key here is expectation/desire management?
If we lack “positive childhood social experience”, often we try to recreate those “close bonds” as an adult?
It doesn’t help that there’s a“friendship fantasy” perpetuated by the media (think Richard Curtis films or Sex and the City)
This “inner child” desire doesn’t really translate well into adult life though.
You can’t build yourself a new grown up friendship family.
Most mature functioning friendships are pragmatic and based on common interests and lifestyles and superficial timing.
Well-off people socialise with other well-off people, colleagues socialise with each other.
I had a triple whammy growing up with
(1) abusive family
(2) socially being awkward with ASD
(3) physically fitting into the “female who gets serious male attention ” category so I’d easily get dates but not mates.
I experienced loads of social rejection and humiliation and awkwardness in my teens and early twenties.
So as a reaction, as an adult I craved a group of companions who had lots of interest in “authentically connecting” with me.
I attended meet-ups, went to spiritual and religious things, volunteered.
I did have some “success” with this (full social diary and attended lots of cool nights out).
Looking back, this period of my life wasn’t actually very good for me emotionally.
Most of those I’d describe as my “close friends” at the time would be odd creepy blokes wanting a pseudo- girlfriend or people I had nothing in common with or users.
Because I was still internally too desperate I overlooked bad behaviour and had poor boundaries.
I was projecting “people pleaser who wanted to be liked and included” and this brought out social vultures in force.
I’d let myself spend time with adult bullies (which didn’t help my self esteem).
I tolerated multiple microaggressions in my hunt for true companionship. You know when people regularly organise something between themselves and you’re somehow always left as the one who has to “chase”? That kind of thing.
Or I’d meet people who would pursue me socially, then be quite clear they’d only socialise with me if I did all the chasing.
Looking back I wish I’d spent the time and money on something else - career advancement or learning a new language.
Or doing a chilled out solitary hobby like gardening or cross-stitch or meditation or learning to cook more stuff.
Feeling lonely is simply an emotion and the human condition
I’ve learned I’d rather be lonely staying in with a cup of tea and doing some yoga at home than be feeling ignored or rejected in a club or restaurant.
Most reasonably intelligent thirty something women are focussing on their own private life goals (career/finances/family/retirement goals/whatever makes you tick) and any friendships you make on the way are a bonus.
Of course emotional self-care is important
but this doesn’t need to come in the form of a “regular night out drinking cocktails with three other women and chatting”?