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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being a mug or should I chill my boots?

73 replies

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 13:53

Need some advice on whether I am being a twat or handling things ok. A year and a half ago, i split from A* toxic narc father of my 2 kids. Utterly brutal, and made worse by him volunteering to tell me about some great new woman he met. I have gone grey stone with him (strictly text. Strictly kids stuff). And N/c with his entire family and all mutual friends. Has been the best decision I made. But still. Feeling invisible and ugly and knew that needed to sleep with someone else to properly move on. Bingo. This last fortnight I finally have. Not some random stranger, but someone I got chatting to in local park this summer. Our kids got on and we swaped numbers. A few texts later, we were agreeing to organise playdate. To cut a long story short, he is definately a player. Has a girlfriend. But not clear what type of relationship it is. It's none of my business and don't ask. Anyways, he invites us for a sleepover one weejend and we do the deed. I did it 100% selfish reasons. And v wrong that kids were about (although asleep and none the wiser). Ego boost that i craved. And it worked. And I have zero regrets. He was very clear that it's not going anywhere. Tbh, given the situation with girlfriend it's a massive, humongous red flag anyway. Enough for me to basically feel fuckable again. It happened again this weekend. After got home, he asked and I agreed to have his son over for sleepover whilst he does charity thing that ends late. Following day, had a bit of text chit chat funny banter. Not even flirty. And then suddenly, out of blue, and much later that night, get a text to say sorry I didn't orgasm with him. Was totally gobsmacked. Replied that was great (it was) and maybe it's cos he's the first person I've slept with other than ex in about 17 years. Also decided to be upfront and tell him that i needed to be careful cos I was beginning to like him too much. (In fact, thank fuck no orgasm. The oxytocin would have finished me off). Anyways, i get very strongly but not hastily worded repeat of no relationship. And he knows i like him too much now. Absolutely 100% fair enough. And glad had conversation. Glad for the straight talking. Has got me thinking that am not a casual relationship person. This has been great for me. But enough before it turns into something not great for me. All well and good. But (And maybe am being crap) why organise the sleepover with son before that conversation? And can't help wondering if he should have asked someone else. Very happy to do sleepover. Lovely boy. Am I over thinking this? Probably. Talk some sense into me please someone. Oh, i know I've been crap and irresponsible. But honestly, have no regrets. My ego was in terminal arrest. The kids still in dark and will stay that way.

OP posts:
Musti · 10/12/2019 14:02

Sounds like you're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Stay away from him and find someone available

category12 · 10/12/2019 14:16

He's a user.

Take it for what it was, and don't do it again. Take the good out of it and just no more, as he'll grind you up from here.

Selfsettling3 · 10/12/2019 14:19

Stay away from him. You’ve had your kicks anymore will not end well.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2019 14:23

why organise the sleepover with son before that conversation?

If he'd had that conversation with you and then asked you to do a sleepover for his son, would you have agreed to the sleepover?

I think he wanted an easy no-cost childcare option and he knew you would do it, but might be unlikely to if he said "Last weekend was great but you know I'm not in it for a relationship right? Oh and say hey and by the way, could you take care of my DS overnight this weekend while I go and do something fun?"

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 14:35

I think youre all right. Except i dont think money is an issue. He has good job and is well off, despite alimony. Yes. I would not have said yes to sleepover after the chat. In many ways, would rather draw line under it now without sleepover dangling in near future. But i wont cancel. Cos that makes me look a bit pathetic. I think maybe he didnt think anything of it. And he has been honest with me. But definately, after that sleepover, i will leave it behind. It will do my head in and undo the ego boost it was supposed to give. Feel a bit deflated. But will be ok in a few days, i think. Anyone else had similar?

OP posts:
SpamChaudFroid · 10/12/2019 14:37

You had sex with a partnered man to heal your ego?

Don't seek validation through other people, especially if it involves fucking someone (his gf in this instance) over. That way madness lies.

afterme · 10/12/2019 14:38

I wouldn’t do the sleepover for his child now. That would be inappropriate and very cheeky of him.

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 14:41

Maybe he wont get in touch about it now. I hope not. Am definately not going to ask or make plans. Thank you everyone. Just need confirmation. Frying pan and fire is spot on. Think I need friends and nice people around me now.

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 14:44

And yes, i know it was shabby. But I doubt I was first. Not that that makes it ok. But honestly, am only interesting in myself not feeling shitty. I can't do guilt now. Sorry if that makes me a bitch.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 10/12/2019 14:45

So a guy you met in the park who you have had casual sex with has asked you to take his child overnight?

abouttime2 · 10/12/2019 14:46

I read up to the part where you took your children for a sleepover and some random blokes house so you could have sex Hmm

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 14:48

No. We met up about 5 or 6 times in parks etc before then. And I met friends of his. Do not that random. And I knew there was nothing dangerous. Not an idiot.

OP posts:
Jeeperscreepers69 · 10/12/2019 14:50

Keep the kids out of it. Sleepovers just sound weird when your shagging and they sleeping.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 14:52

Where else did you meet him other than the park?

And you don't seem to feel better about it, it seems you want more and he's not interested.

noworlater13 · 10/12/2019 14:55

Not sure how you don't feel shitty to be honest. He didn't sleep with you because your fabulous but because he wanted a shag.
I would of felt worse to be used and actually been told I was being used.
Your enjoying chit chat that your told isn't going anywhere, he's so obviously telling you that you like him to much which is embarrassing and then your looking after his dc.
I really can't see the positive of any of this at all.
This guy is taking your care free do not want to get attached situation by mugging you off

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 15:01

So i should just cancel the sleepover. So am not a total mug. Am hoping he doesn't get in touch again. However pathetic I sound, it's put distance between me and my ex. He isn't the last person I'll ever shag. But now I treat it for what it was. A selfish shag to boost my ego.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 15:04

Op you're anonymous on here. You may as well be honest, it is clear it wasn't just a selfish shag, you wanted more from him and he's not interested now using you for free child care whilst he goes off and has fun.

Yes, I'd pull out of the child care. And next time try on line dating or something, don't be going round to randoms you meet in the park and shagging term in hope of a relationship. They will think little of you and try to use you like this guy.

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 15:11

I honestly don't and didn't want a relationship. I would never be with someone who couldnt be trusted. Been there, done that. It was about putting sex with someone else between me and my ex
Am not deluding myself, honestly. And we knew each other for 5 months before the shag. And met lots of his friends. But it's made me realise I can't do casual sex. I have no regrets. And don't think it's embarrassing to be honest I liked him. He knew it anyway, and I made it clear had no intentions and no expectations. But it ends now. And I will say I've changed my mind about sleepover if he gets in contact again.

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 10/12/2019 15:18

Ewww, it's great you feel fuckable again but FFS. Have some self respect and don't jump into bed with some bloke who sees every hole as a goal.

Just no.

noworlater13 · 10/12/2019 15:19

If that was what it was why would you do the sleep over?
Don't forget people like him as friendly as he is being wouldn't do it for you if the tables turned.
If he has a gf however bad their relationship he's not a very good person is he.
I would just say ' sweetie it was a shag and that's it - you want a supportive helper go find one else where'

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 15:21

Yes. He's clearly a cunt. I might be laughing about this soon. Why did he say sorry he didn't give me an orgasm? Is it male ego?

OP posts:
WatchingTheMoon · 10/12/2019 15:22

"Fuckable"?? Really?

Get some self esteem. Some men will literally fuck anything.

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 15:23

And maybe I'll just send him the link to this thread?

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 15:23

Christ watching the moon. That's nasty.

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 10/12/2019 15:27

He apologised for not blowing your socks off because he was after another go. FFS, stop being so gullible ! Men like that love women like you for the wrong reasons.

If he messages again agree that yes, he was mediocre at best and not worth changing the sheets for. Then block him.

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