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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being a mug or should I chill my boots?

73 replies

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 13:53

Need some advice on whether I am being a twat or handling things ok. A year and a half ago, i split from A* toxic narc father of my 2 kids. Utterly brutal, and made worse by him volunteering to tell me about some great new woman he met. I have gone grey stone with him (strictly text. Strictly kids stuff). And N/c with his entire family and all mutual friends. Has been the best decision I made. But still. Feeling invisible and ugly and knew that needed to sleep with someone else to properly move on. Bingo. This last fortnight I finally have. Not some random stranger, but someone I got chatting to in local park this summer. Our kids got on and we swaped numbers. A few texts later, we were agreeing to organise playdate. To cut a long story short, he is definately a player. Has a girlfriend. But not clear what type of relationship it is. It's none of my business and don't ask. Anyways, he invites us for a sleepover one weejend and we do the deed. I did it 100% selfish reasons. And v wrong that kids were about (although asleep and none the wiser). Ego boost that i craved. And it worked. And I have zero regrets. He was very clear that it's not going anywhere. Tbh, given the situation with girlfriend it's a massive, humongous red flag anyway. Enough for me to basically feel fuckable again. It happened again this weekend. After got home, he asked and I agreed to have his son over for sleepover whilst he does charity thing that ends late. Following day, had a bit of text chit chat funny banter. Not even flirty. And then suddenly, out of blue, and much later that night, get a text to say sorry I didn't orgasm with him. Was totally gobsmacked. Replied that was great (it was) and maybe it's cos he's the first person I've slept with other than ex in about 17 years. Also decided to be upfront and tell him that i needed to be careful cos I was beginning to like him too much. (In fact, thank fuck no orgasm. The oxytocin would have finished me off). Anyways, i get very strongly but not hastily worded repeat of no relationship. And he knows i like him too much now. Absolutely 100% fair enough. And glad had conversation. Glad for the straight talking. Has got me thinking that am not a casual relationship person. This has been great for me. But enough before it turns into something not great for me. All well and good. But (And maybe am being crap) why organise the sleepover with son before that conversation? And can't help wondering if he should have asked someone else. Very happy to do sleepover. Lovely boy. Am I over thinking this? Probably. Talk some sense into me please someone. Oh, i know I've been crap and irresponsible. But honestly, have no regrets. My ego was in terminal arrest. The kids still in dark and will stay that way.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 10/12/2019 15:31

I’d say he sounds like he has too much baggage to be an uncomplicated FWB. He also sounds as though he has few scruples about exploiting people. There will be nice guys out there who are up for a no-strings arrangement and who also respect you. And you are worthy of respect. Your last bloke will have done a number on you in terms of self-esteem. If you have access to Freedom Programme, maybe consider that too?

WatchingTheMoon · 10/12/2019 15:31

OP if you take it that way, so be it, personally I think you're worth more than a man thinking you are worth fucking.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 10/12/2019 15:34

Watching isn't nasty. The guy who's seeing you as a handy shag is.

There's a lot to be said for knowing your worth.

And love honey have a sale on, treat yourself. 💁🏻‍♀️

PlinkPlink · 10/12/2019 15:39

You will get alot of abuse on here for having sex with someone elses partner.

Jumping into anything, purely for sex or not, is not a good idea. By doing that, you are looking for validation from another man. Your self worth revolves around a man, again. So even though it seems like you're being selfish and 'doing something for yourself', you're not. You're resorting to valuing yourself based on a man's desire to have sex with you/pay attention to you.

Do NOT enter into a relationship until you have dealt with the shit you put up with from your ex. You need to massively shift your way of thinking to something that is not destructive. Where you realise your self worth, you learn to love yourself and feel complete within yourself.
Therapy, read books, self help... realise that this will only come from you.

It will take work but it's time to stop relying on men to make you feel better.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 15:43

You will get alot of abuse on here for having sex with someone elses partner

And yet she's not has she?

People are just telling her to have some self respect. And be honest with herself. If not with us.

No way you come out of this feeling all ego boosted. That would happen if he was the one who liked you too much and you said no. Not the other way about.

And op the pp wasn't being nasty. If you offer to go round to many randoms house and shag them a surprising amount would say yes. However due to double standards these men seem to have, they will think very poorly of you for doing it.

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2019 15:44

I get sleeping him with the once but then you really should have cut all contact. He's another narcissist y'know. Once you've had one you tend to be a beacon for more unfortunately. And the only thing you can do to protect yourself is to know the signs and run for the hills when you spot them.

The orgasm text was so you would text back to say 'no it was great' and feed his ego. Which you have. Now he knows he is fooling you and you are dancing to his tune.

Get yourself away from this person.
'I had fun but I won't be seeing you again. Block my number'. Block him on everything. Be firm.

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 16:43

I did what I did cos I was at a low ebb. And I'm not ashamed to have been unlucky and a brutal break up that kicked the insides out of me. That's life. And I did what I did to feel better. Now it isn't, I'm stopping . But the judgemental attitude is ignorance. So am guessing your a smug happily married?

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 16:46

Sorry watching. Took it wrong way. Over sensitive and hadn't read threads. I need to laugh at him and whole situation and read more mumsnet

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 16:51

You are all wise ladies. There's power in brutally cutting people off. It takes the ones who took you for granted by surprise. I think I won't say a word and totally block and ignore. Like I can't even be arsed to explain.

OP posts:
Musti · 10/12/2019 16:55

That's right op. Totally block and ignore. You are worthy of being loved and treated well, don't settle for anything less.

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 16:59

But am also tempted, if he texts, to send him link to this thread. With no 'hi' or anything else. Or is that also stroking that ego?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/12/2019 17:00

Being fuckable is not an acheivement. You dont need to prove youre fuckable.

You had fun. This one is not for you. Hes very cheeky asking you to babysit

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 17:08

Don't send him this thread, honestly you're just showing how much you care and want him if you do.

Retain some power and dignity. I'd text him and say somethings come up, can't do the child care, you don't want him turning up, kid in tow, then block and delete.

rvby · 10/12/2019 17:08

Why did he say sorry he didn't give me an orgasm? Is it male ego? Confused come on OP.

If this is a serious question, then here is a serious answer: He wants to keep talking about sex with you, to maximize his chances of getting sex again in future. By apologizing for not making you orgasm, he can handily restart any conversation by asking if he can try again tonight/tomorrow etc. This kind of chat is how you keep a lady on the back burner.

Everything he does is to keep his options open and keep the chat light while also ensuring you keep your boundaries low. Back burner, easy pickings. It's not brain surgery op and FFS dont show him this thread

rvby · 10/12/2019 17:10

But am also tempted, if he texts, to send him link to this thread. With no 'hi' or anything else. Or is that also stroking that ego?

Do you want to seem insane, massively vulnerable and pathetic? Then yes, send him this thread, that'll teach him

MyMajesty · 10/12/2019 17:20

A selfish shag to boost my ego.

It was probably the same for him.

Who cares what this jerk's motives are?
Have nothing more to do with him and try to get some self respect.

Reallynowdear · 10/12/2019 17:36

Why are you not ashamed you took your children to a mans house so you could shag him, knowing he has a girlfriend?

afterme · 10/12/2019 18:09

It would be very weird and unwise to send him a link to this thread. What are you thinking?

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 18:37

Yes, stupid idea. I see that now. Funny how you And thanks to all who werent judgemental

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 18:38

Funny how you can miss things that are slapping you in the face. Thanks to everyone who was not judgemental

OP posts:
BanditoShipman · 10/12/2019 18:49

I think it’s really sad and upsetting that being seen as ‘fuckable’ (grim) is something to aim for 😥

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/12/2019 19:35

OP, don't take this the wrong way, but you sound...pretty vulnerable.

You slept with a guy who has a partner, and although you claim it was "an ego boost" you seem to have spent a lot of time afterwards thinking about him, what he thinks, why he did /said certain things, etc - you sound very wrapped up in him.

Without hesitation you agreed to look after his kids on a Saturday night while he shags someone else no doubt like you couldn't wait to leap in and perform domestic labour for him. Why on earth would he think that you have nothing better to do than be a free babysitter for someone you slept with once?

After one night with him, you are all over the shop - one minute talking up how self aware and switched on you are about how you know it was just sex and doesn't matter, and helped you get over your ex, the next asking "what does it mean" re the whole orgasm conversation, then wanting to "show him" how little he means to you by sending him a link to an online chat about him. :/

Honestly? OP, you are kidding yourself about all of this - kidding yourself that you're fine with just sex, kidding yourself that you're over your ex, kidding yourself that it doesn't matter that he has a girlfriend, kidding yourself that this was some crazy, liberating experience and kidding yourself that you aren't desperate for him to see you again.

Stay away from him. Don't look after his kids, don't take his calls, and do the freedom programme. Because nasty little users like him can spot you a mile away.

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 20:06

You are spot on. I am incredibly vulnerable and it's a mark of what my ex and his family put me through that I'm like this. I really don't want to look after his kid, but at same time don't want to contact him. The way I feel bow is I teetered on the edge and now I just want to run a mile. It might sound insane, but I'm glad I have 2 days between me and the ex. And I want to now just leave all this behind. I don't want to contact him to say I am not babysitting anymore and hope that he doesn't still expect it. I feel a load off my mind. And a wake up call that am still quite damaged. No regrets. Sorry, but that's the truth, but now just want to put that down to stages of my recovery. I shagged someone else. The ex (who will never be told about this) doesn't have the hold over me anymore that he is the last person who will have wanted my body. However cheap, shabby and sordid this was.

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 20:07

Not 2 days between me and the ex. 2 shags

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/12/2019 20:30

The ex (who will never be told about this) doesn't have the hold over me anymore that he is the last person who will have wanted my body

Look, the way you talk about this also seems quite weird - as though your ex had a "claim" on your body by being the most recent person to have sex with you, and now that some other man has come along and had sex with you, that claim is superceded.

You aren't a lamp post that one dog used to piss on, but now another dog has come along. Nor is a man "wanting your body" as rare and powerful an act as you seem to think. Why does "being the last person to want your body" give your ex "a hold" over you?

I really think you would benefit from talking this through with a therapist, as you seem to have some really tangled up ideas about love and sex and power and how to navigate it all.

It's pretty common if you have been in a relationship where sex and intimacy have been used as tools to manipulate you - you get out and you want intimacy and sex (because that's what humans want) but also you're terrified of it, because it was used against you for so long. So you think "right, from now on I'm going to be the one with the sex power" and everything becomes a power game where you try to be the person who cares the least, and choose partners who don't want intimacy. But that just fucks you up further, because trying to wield intimacy and sex as weapons is doing it all wrong, so it never gives you what you want.