Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being a mug or should I chill my boots?

73 replies

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 13:53

Need some advice on whether I am being a twat or handling things ok. A year and a half ago, i split from A* toxic narc father of my 2 kids. Utterly brutal, and made worse by him volunteering to tell me about some great new woman he met. I have gone grey stone with him (strictly text. Strictly kids stuff). And N/c with his entire family and all mutual friends. Has been the best decision I made. But still. Feeling invisible and ugly and knew that needed to sleep with someone else to properly move on. Bingo. This last fortnight I finally have. Not some random stranger, but someone I got chatting to in local park this summer. Our kids got on and we swaped numbers. A few texts later, we were agreeing to organise playdate. To cut a long story short, he is definately a player. Has a girlfriend. But not clear what type of relationship it is. It's none of my business and don't ask. Anyways, he invites us for a sleepover one weejend and we do the deed. I did it 100% selfish reasons. And v wrong that kids were about (although asleep and none the wiser). Ego boost that i craved. And it worked. And I have zero regrets. He was very clear that it's not going anywhere. Tbh, given the situation with girlfriend it's a massive, humongous red flag anyway. Enough for me to basically feel fuckable again. It happened again this weekend. After got home, he asked and I agreed to have his son over for sleepover whilst he does charity thing that ends late. Following day, had a bit of text chit chat funny banter. Not even flirty. And then suddenly, out of blue, and much later that night, get a text to say sorry I didn't orgasm with him. Was totally gobsmacked. Replied that was great (it was) and maybe it's cos he's the first person I've slept with other than ex in about 17 years. Also decided to be upfront and tell him that i needed to be careful cos I was beginning to like him too much. (In fact, thank fuck no orgasm. The oxytocin would have finished me off). Anyways, i get very strongly but not hastily worded repeat of no relationship. And he knows i like him too much now. Absolutely 100% fair enough. And glad had conversation. Glad for the straight talking. Has got me thinking that am not a casual relationship person. This has been great for me. But enough before it turns into something not great for me. All well and good. But (And maybe am being crap) why organise the sleepover with son before that conversation? And can't help wondering if he should have asked someone else. Very happy to do sleepover. Lovely boy. Am I over thinking this? Probably. Talk some sense into me please someone. Oh, i know I've been crap and irresponsible. But honestly, have no regrets. My ego was in terminal arrest. The kids still in dark and will stay that way.

OP posts:
Sic99 · 10/12/2019 20:41

It doesn't feel that way. I'm glad to say. It wasnt s sexually abusive problem with the ex. It's just that sex is an important part of any relationship and now I've just slept with someone else. A rebound. Another brick in the wall between me and the ex. Does that still sound insane?

OP posts:
Startingoveragain1 · 10/12/2019 20:49

So, the guy served his purpose. You realised that you can have an intimate life after your ex. Now you know you can and will enjoy sex. You will one day find that person that knocks ur socks off, the right person (that will literally want every bit of you and will see your worth. not like twatty boy with a girlfriend ) You also know you can have feelings for someone other than your ex. You know you are very much alive and have so much potential. That guy served a very good purpose. Now you know, you are more confident, you value and love yourself more and you can look ahead calmer, more content and knowing that theres hope (lots of it) . So, delete him and move on.

Intheheat · 10/12/2019 20:51

I actually understand where you're coming from re someone other than your ex that you have slept with but STOP right now. You got what you said you needed and now walk away. You have had the best of this dude and anything more will mess with your head. Quit while you're still ahead. Silence is always more powerful than anything you could say to him

Startingoveragain1 · 10/12/2019 20:53

Dont feel bad and dont overthink it. No point. Take the positives and move on be happy!

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/12/2019 20:59

A rebound. Another brick in the wall between me and the ex. Does that still sound insane?

Sure, that sounds way less insane! But it also sounds very different to what you said before. You spoke about removing his "hold" over you because someone else wanted your body. You even said something about how, if you died, he wouldnt be the last person to have slept with you (sorry, can't remember exactly).

You also have a lot of bravado about "not regretting" sleeping with him even though he has a girlfriend. You even wrote "sorry, I don't have any regrets" which has a kind of irony about it - you think you mean "sorry for not having regrets" but I think you are actually subconsciously apologising (not for the sex as such, but the circumstances). You don't seem like someone who would genuinely not care about hurting another person, so I don't fully buy that you don't feel bad.

ElloBrian · 10/12/2019 21:02

Time to put your chin up and move on with dignity OP. Some time to yourself being single and getting your emotional house in order. I’d recommend counselling, it is extremely useful for learning to recognise and process your emotions. Of course you know this guy isn’t any good for you. Keep your kids well away from that kind of thing. It’s good to move on, and cathartic. Maybe you chose a way of doing that which isn’t ideal but what defines your character is how you move on now. Develop your own inner strength and focus on yourself. Flowers

Sic99 · 10/12/2019 21:07

Yes. All true. I guess it bothers me ( but only a bit) about the girlfriend. He's a cunt and she has been lied to and he seems to not give a flying fuck about her. And I was part of that. It's not remotely my problem or my business of course. But your posts have made me feel better. And it's blowtorch time.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/12/2019 21:21

Cool - it's time to move on from this guy. No more play dates, no more flirty messaging and certainly no babysitting :)

midep · 10/12/2019 21:31

OP, you sound like a decent person who's a bit confused at the moment.

Just give yourself a bit of time to let the dust settle, it's very common to want to prove you're still desirable after a breakup.

You'll be ok, just take a breather.

user27495824 · 10/12/2019 21:45

OP, there are so many discrepancies in your post. You are not being honest with yourself. You say you just wanted a one night stand, which is absolutely fine and no judgment here.

You have a one night stand, bloke had a girlfriend, some red flags for relationship anyway, so just sex and that is what you wanted. I'm curious, did you mention at all, your desire for a one night stand to him?

Then completely out of the blue you tell him you have to be careful because you are developing feelings for him. And now you want to cut him off/block/link to this post when he agreed it shouldn't go any further.

So which is it... You really wanted something more? or you are so offended that he wanted no strings attached sex like you?

Sic99 · 11/12/2019 19:47

Here's the latest ladies. I think this guy is annoyed that he didn't get to dictate when the last shag was, rather than me. Was feeling anxious about the babysitting so i messaged him to say that i hoped he didn't expect the sleepover was still on. He messages back to say his kid will be really upset not to see my kids again and shall we just focus on them and can they all have play date in Jan. He even sends photos and says 'oh dear, i was worried this might happen'. Don't worry, am 100% not doing anything further. Am assuming his plan is one last attempt at shag before ghosting/ blocking me. A woman doesn't call the shots on this, does she, in his head...

OP posts:
BrigidSt · 11/12/2019 19:58

Shag who you like, but he's used you for childcare, dressed it up as fake concern for your sexual satisfaction, as if next time you might come, because he's so observant and sensitive. Because he's such a legend, cos he's raising it as a thing for you to notice. So he's all equality and sexually aware, he cares about your experience and is sensitive to women's needs but doesnt want a relationship. Bullshit. Nope, man who only wants you to orgasm because hes so aware, big red flag. Avoid, avoid, block.

ElloBrian · 11/12/2019 21:27

Just stop talking to him.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2019 21:59

Honestly just block him now op. He's trying to use you for free child care and he's emotionally blackmailing you by using the kids.

Just block and delete. It's time now.

Sic99 · 11/12/2019 22:32

Done Smile

OP posts:
Sic99 · 11/12/2019 22:43

Thanks for all your wisdom. And knocking some sense into me

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 06:28

Well done. onwards and upwards,,☺️

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 12/12/2019 07:53

He messages back to say his kid will be really upset not to see my kids again and shall we just focus on them and can they all have play date in Jan

The kids will be fine and get over it. Telling you to "focus on the kids" is something divorcing parents need to do, not friends who've known each other a few months and met up maybe half a dozen times.

He even sends photos and says 'oh dear, i was worried this might happen'

Don't fall for this neg. This is trying to make you feel as though you're disappointingly just like all the others, and to want to prove you aren't like that.

He is very annoyed you aren't falling in line, OP. His plan for you was (having most importantly ascertained that you weren't going to rat him out to his girlfriend) to keep you hanging on with just enough blowing-hot-and-cold so that you never quite knew where you stood, but were always keen for a shag when he deigned to give you his attention. In between shags, you would provide free childcare. If you tried to pull away, he would reel you back in with this "focus on the kids" nonsense.

Well done for spotting this in time and getting out before it got messy, OP. Did you say you'd blocked him?

afterme · 12/12/2019 08:31

He can always ask his girlfriend to look after his child.

Kayleigh12 · 12/12/2019 08:42

@Sic99 run for the hills. I’ve been in your situation. Had an affair with a married man to selfishly boost my ego after my relationship ended. Not a day goes by I don’t feel awful about what I did but I was very messed up at the time. He was a dog. Stay away and find someone available who you can actually have dates with coz you’re playing with fire at the mo.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 12/12/2019 08:51

This bloke thought he was on to a good thing - a casual as-and-when shag with free childcare thrown in!

Sic99 · 12/12/2019 09:06

The guy's a barrister and likes to win at all costs. Am glad if he's annoyed. F-ing headwanker. Reckon he's done this quite a few times. Polished performance! Honestly, i think you've rescued me from a total headfuck all of you!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 09:09

His girlfriend is probably going out with him, hence the need for the op to babysit.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page