Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My work trips, DP envious

59 replies

Sividal · 09/12/2019 08:44

HI! Just need a vent...

We don't have any children, early 30s, been together a couple of years. I'm getting fed up because my DP is getting more and more envious when I have a work trip. We cannot afford to go to abroad much - once-twice per year somewhere close to our country only. But my job demands me to go abroad sometimes. Once per year is mandatory, but during the last two years I have gained more opportunities to go on more trips. On the one hand I could say I won't attend, but on the other hand I want to - not so much for the travelling part, but it is more related to gaining confidence in my self, trying new things solo and developing myself professionally. But of course, the travelling part is nice too. These aren't easy for me either - I have to prepare presentations and present these, communicate with strangers from foreign countries, which is extremely difficult for me. But it is getting more and more easier. This is why I want to attend those trips!

However, my DP doesn't have such opportunities at his job and he is expressing more and more envy whenever I tell him I have a trip again. It's like 3 trips per year now (each 3-4 days). It's really annoying. I know he would like to travel, but there is not much I can do. Instead of dealing with his envy, I would actually need support, because emotionally these aren't easy for me and I take these as opportunities to grow. I think he only sees those as fun trips to foreign countries, sipping cocktails and just laying around. Although he has seen the hard work I have put in before the trips.

To be honest, yes I could tell him to keep his envy to himself or I could deal with it. BUT I'm actually so bothered that my own partner envies me!

He say "Well I have to start saving money to have a trip also". I'm like, well start already, he hasn't put penny aside to have a trip, he just envies me.

OP posts:

Isleepinahedgefund · 09/12/2019 08:51

Tell him to get a job where he can go on trips.

custardbear · 09/12/2019 08:54

Tell him the truth - work trips are boring, not lazing by the pool or being a tourist, it's work in a different country in a boring hotel

Can you tell I hated working and travelling 😆

Muchtoomuchtodo · 09/12/2019 08:56

I think you need to explain to him like you have in your op.

He needs a job with similar demands / opportunities if wants the same.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2019 08:57

Tell him to grow the hell up and take some personal responsibility. What is he twelve? Envy is a deeply unattractive trait and I couldn't be with someone who behaved like that. You're a better person than me to have stuck at it.

Amys136 · 09/12/2019 08:57

Surely if trips are good for you job then it’s increasing your future earning potential so you’d have more disposable income for joint holidays

SolitaryGrape · 09/12/2019 09:00

What @Bluntness said. I could understand it to an extent if he were continually solo parenting during lengthy, optional work trips, but he’s not. He needs to grow up and get over himself, and stop behaving like a child who wants someone else’s toys.

Fucck · 09/12/2019 09:00

Good god, is he 12?
Look, you're young and have no kids. I'm thinking your job isn't a lowly paid admin job from what you've said so why aren't you able to do a bit of travelling? I'm guessing his job is lower paid? That's why he's jealous.
Seriously, if you can't afford a cheap city break here and there this early in your relationship what's it going to like if you have kids and have to go on maternity! He'll be jealous then of you being able to "sit around all day and drink coffee with your mummy friends"

KellyHall · 09/12/2019 09:01

Envy is toxic, I can see why you're annoyed. It's very important you do all of this for you.

But he obviously sees it as something coming between you in some way so as well as your work trips, why don't you sit down and make a proper plan of where you're going to go together, set a date and make a savings plan so you both set up standing orders to a special holiday account? That way you're both always working towards an adventure you'll have together.

Men are soft and don't generally like sharing their partners with anyone/anything, especially when it makes women appear more successful than them because they find it imasculating [hopefully that's how you spell it!]

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 09:12

KellyHall Are you for real? Why should OP baby her DP like that? A gron man is quite capable of setting up a savings plan himself!

Men are soft and don't generally like sharing their partners with anyone/anything, especially when it makes women appear more successful than them because they find it imasculating

You mean SOME men are whiny, clingy arseholes who should be PROUD of their DP being succesful and cheer them on.

Do their bollocks shrivel if their DP has a life outside the relationship?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 09:13

*grown

Happyspud · 09/12/2019 09:16

Dump him. What sort of man makes you feel you should not do your work trip because it takes something away from him! His way if thinking doesn’t bode well for other things in the future.

And to the poster who said ‘men are soft and don’t like sharing blah blah blah...’. You’ve got to be joking. What sort of possessive men have you been dating?

ChilliMayo · 09/12/2019 09:17

You're in your early 30s and he's a DP (as opposed to dh) and you have no dc. If you can't do what the fuck you want to do, and have the career you want, and go where you want NOW, then when can you.
If poor diddums want to see more of the world then let poor diddums (in his 30s, no dc, and with no legal ties to anyone) work towards a career with travel prospects,or a career which pays for lots of lovely holidays.
Man-child.

Clymene · 09/12/2019 09:20

What an absolute knob. If he wants a job with overseas travel, he should get one, not whine at you.

What else is he going to be envious of? You getting promoted? Getting head hunted? Going to award ceremonies?

This doesn't bode well to be honest - if he is feeling his balls shrivelling because you have a better job than he does, it's only going to get worse.

HisBetterHalf · 09/12/2019 09:21

When you say envious, what ccmments does he say or what actions does he demonstrate?

Wexone · 09/12/2019 09:22

Hi is enviouse really ? Does he relaise that these trips are for Business not pleasure. As somone who travels a bit for work, the novelty soon wears off. You are living out of a suitcase, rushing from airport to airport. Have a mountain of work to do, mostly on trains or in a hotel, constant smile on your face and socialising with people you don't really know or like. Plus hotels start to fell like they are all the same, can be very boring when you are there in the evening and its a hotel in the middle of no where. Then you have a mountain of housework etc to do when you are back home (Even though i do have a cleaner).Tell your partner to grow up, if this is the life he wants he needs to look for another job and get on with it. If he wants to go away book some where and pay for it. He needs to be supporting you of your career and progress not trying to belittle it. Sometimes my partner actully loves it when am away as he gets the bed all to himself and watch what he wants on tv. But it also means that we make an effort to spend time together when i am at home.

Kinsters · 09/12/2019 09:25

This is such bullshit. A good partner will cheer their partner on and celebrate their achievements and personal development, regardless of sex. And no, that's not how you spell it.

OP your partner sounds very tiresome, I can see why you're annoyed. He wont stop doing it until he realises how much it bothers you though (he may not have realised how he's coming across), I'd talk to him about it if I were you - don't let it fester too long. Sorry, can't tell from your post if you've spoken about it already.

Enko · 09/12/2019 09:27

I used to feel envy for dhs regular work abroad trips I was left alone with 4 children and at its height it was at least 1 -2weeks a month. The idea of a few hours ina plane watching a movie and reading or sleeping sounded bliss. However previously pre children I didnt mind as much. Now he goes once or twice a year and it's pretty nice to have some time out for me. Kids are teenagers so life is easy.

However one issue is he has travelled so much he just want to stay at home now. Meaning if I want to travel its without him.

OP have an adult conversation with him explain how this makes you feel and hopefully together you can work it out

fastliving · 09/12/2019 09:28

I agree this doesn't bode well.
Work trips are usually hard work - yes it sounds glamorous, but the reality isn't.

He sounds like a spoilt child. Why isn't he saving to go abroad if he want to have a holiday?

What else is he going to be jealous of? Someone upthread mentioned maternity leave - definitely he'll be jealous of that if you stay with him and have children.

You need to have a grown up discussion with him, if he can't do this, I personally would move on.

AnyFucker · 09/12/2019 09:28

What a manchild

I am sure you can do better than this

His jealousy will be self fulfilling eventually because you will get pissed off and dump his sorry arse for a grown up

The sooner the better, sctually

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2019 09:31

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

His attitude is appalling and I think you and he should not be together any longer.

midep · 09/12/2019 09:34

My DD's ex partner used to go to work in a sulk if she was working from home that day. Knob.

PhilCornwall1 · 09/12/2019 09:35

If he had to do work travel, he'd soon realise it's not a holiday!

I travel a fair amount for work and it's just that, work!! At the other end I have meetings, consultancy to large groups, etc. That's on top of a team where I also have to respond to issues as soon as I can.

You get back to the hotel in the evenings and collapse on the bed, get some food and then think, better prep for tomorrow and answer a billion emails!!

Oh yes, it's so glamorous isn't it?

ysmaem · 09/12/2019 09:46

He's a sad excuse for a man. He's very clearly trying to bring you down when about these trips when he should be be excited and proud of you.

FinallyHere · 09/12/2019 09:47

Congratulations on your job, and on grasping the opportunities it offers, even those, well especially those, that take you out of your comfort zone.

Your DP doesn't sound like much of a human being. Instead of getting himself some opportunities, he is just trying to rubbish yours. His attitude makes your success all about him and saves him any bother of trying to get himself to better places in life.

What is he adding to your life? It's ok to notice you have moved apart and say thanks and go your own ways.

Whatever you do, do not have children with him.

Aussiebean · 09/12/2019 09:59

As someone whose dh left for Vegas for 8 days leaving me with 2 under 4 I get it.

But, he isn’t left at home dealing with night feeds and tantrums. He can get on with his day.

I think it’s concerning that he is trying to bring you down when you are trying so hard to succeed. Has he done that before? Sabotaged you at the brink of your success? Or at least tried to?

I think you need to have a good long think about what your future is with him. Are you thinking children? If so, given how he reacts now, how will he react when he is left holding the babies?

I admit the envy with my dh. But he has traveled for work our entire relationship. It also means that he earns way more then me which helps our lifestyle and opportunities.

So I get on with it.

Flip

1 2 3