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Original poster

My work trips, DP envious

59 replies

Sividal · 09/12/2019 08:44

HI! Just need a vent...

We don't have any children, early 30s, been together a couple of years. I'm getting fed up because my DP is getting more and more envious when I have a work trip. We cannot afford to go to abroad much - once-twice per year somewhere close to our country only. But my job demands me to go abroad sometimes. Once per year is mandatory, but during the last two years I have gained more opportunities to go on more trips. On the one hand I could say I won't attend, but on the other hand I want to - not so much for the travelling part, but it is more related to gaining confidence in my self, trying new things solo and developing myself professionally. But of course, the travelling part is nice too. These aren't easy for me either - I have to prepare presentations and present these, communicate with strangers from foreign countries, which is extremely difficult for me. But it is getting more and more easier. This is why I want to attend those trips!

However, my DP doesn't have such opportunities at his job and he is expressing more and more envy whenever I tell him I have a trip again. It's like 3 trips per year now (each 3-4 days). It's really annoying. I know he would like to travel, but there is not much I can do. Instead of dealing with his envy, I would actually need support, because emotionally these aren't easy for me and I take these as opportunities to grow. I think he only sees those as fun trips to foreign countries, sipping cocktails and just laying around. Although he has seen the hard work I have put in before the trips.

To be honest, yes I could tell him to keep his envy to himself or I could deal with it. BUT I'm actually so bothered that my own partner envies me!

He say "Well I have to start saving money to have a trip also". I'm like, well start already, he hasn't put penny aside to have a trip, he just envies me.

OP posts:
SlothMama · 09/12/2019 10:01

I go abroad for work trips and they are not fun, I only see my hotel room and the place I need to be which is usually the same place for the entire trip!

lottiegarbanzo · 09/12/2019 10:01

We cannot afford to go to abroad much - once-twice per year somewhere close to our country only.

So you get one or two overseas holidays a year? That's quite a privileged position.

Can you imagine what would happen if you have children? First you lose income, then you have a baby / toddler who needs the same constant care and entertainment wherever you are, so that 'holidays' are mostly just 'same stuff, different place'. Then you have to plan holidays around what is likely to interest the children, limiting your own preferences for locations and activities. And you have to pay for the children too, so can afford fewer holidays, closer to home.

Would he embrace all that because 'family' and the children's needs would be more important than his wishes, or, would he resent them and you?

Mix56 · 09/12/2019 10:03

What else does he control ?

TheReef · 09/12/2019 10:08

He should be supporting you OP, but I think you know that.

He should also be pleased for you, firstly as it's a great opportunity for you, secondly you are gaining confidence which is always a good thing, and thirdly it's nice to travel with work (if you like that sort of thing). He sounds, at best, like a whiny kid, worst case controlling and boarding emotional issues.

TheReef · 09/12/2019 10:08

Oh and to add, you need to nip this sort of behaviour in the bud, tell him to stop whining and he should be pleased and support you.!

GCAcademic · 09/12/2019 10:15

Men are soft and don't generally like sharing their partners with anyone/anything, especially when it makes women appear more successful than them because they find it imasculating [hopefully that's how you spell it!]

What a horribly sexist thing to say. Most men are not pathetic. Lots of us wouldn't touch them with a bargepole if they were. I travel a lot for work, and DH cheerfully waves me off and wishes me luck. If he wants to travel somewhere, he doesn't whine passively about it, but arranges for it to happen.

Sushiroller · 09/12/2019 10:27

Erm... his behaviour isn't normal.
I travel a lot for work often to "amazing" places. But it's work.
Yes you get the odd nice meal or afternoon adventure but 90% is jet lag, sleep depravation and work - it's hardly a holiday Confused

I'd be amazed if the travelling thing is the only problem in your relationship.

Musti · 09/12/2019 10:35

I could understand it he had to look after kids single handedly whilst you were away, but as it's just you too, other than missing you it doesn't affect him at all. Work trips have their nice things but they're not a holiday.

Anyway, he's free to find a job which requires him to travel if that what he wants, but that is entirely up to him. I'd be wary of staying with someone who behaves like this before you have kids.

PhilCornwall1 · 09/12/2019 10:45

So you get one or two overseas holidays a year? That's quite a privileged position.

Work travel isn't a holiday, it's graft.

Fucck · 09/12/2019 10:54

Philcornwall, op does state that they go away together, as well as her work trips.

"We cannot afford to go to abroad much - once-twice per year somewhere close to our country"

Hopoindown31 · 09/12/2019 11:00

Plenty of women on here complaining about the partner being away with work who get plenty of sympathy and are told that their partners need to find a way to be away less. Funny how it doesn't work the other way round?

Of course work trips are not all fun and games and can be very tiring. Given that we are currently in an environment in which most companies are trying to minimise work travel for cost and environmental reasons a lot tends to get packed into these trips now as well.

Nothing you can do about your DPs issues he either needs to get a job with travelling or get over it.

Mix56 · 09/12/2019 11:09

Oh come on, Its 3 times a year for 2/3 days,

Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 11:11

Have you had a conversation about the realities of work trips? In my experience, lonely evenings in hotel rooms on your own or even propping up the hotel bar are really no big deal, and even social events with a load of strangers who you have to schmooze for business purposes are really hard work. Unless your employers are different to mine, you don't have any realistic opportunity to go sightseeing or getting any of the usual benefits of travelling, and wrangling foreign airports is just hard work.

mindutopia · 09/12/2019 11:16

You don't have children. There's nothing stopping him from doing something fun himself while you are away. I've travelled lots for work - as has dh, though my work trips tend to be to much more interesting places. I also go away on holiday alone at least once a year and leave him with the dc. No complaing because he understands that we both work hard and we should get to enjoy the perks of that. There is nothing stopping him from saving to travel on his own or seeking out work that would pay for it. He sounds like he's being very petty and controlling.

Cacklingmags · 09/12/2019 11:19

What a whiny controlling baby. While you are away WORKING he is perfectly capable of getting his backpack on and taking a cheap trip somewhere - walking, camping, etc, but no, he won't because he is a big ole whiny baby.

20wedding19 · 09/12/2019 11:23

Just talk to your DP. Communicate all the positives there is to you going away.

I go away with work twice a tear. Once for 2 weeks to glamorous places like the Caribbean and the other 1 week in a European destination. It is work though!
Travel is hugely important for me but my holidays with my husband are more like Jersey and Center parcs than the Caribbean. We like the chance to have the time apart from each other, it makes us realise how much we really love and appreciate each other.
When I am away with work there are certain costs that I incur when I'm in the UK so we put that money towards something my husband values and enjoys
Essentially what I am saying is: there were a few moans and groans the first year I worked like this but we talked and made little changes so my husband felt like he benefited too from these trips (he does benefit from these trips but I had to spell it out to him!)
You I assume you are with your DP because you love him, enjoy your time together mostly and see a positive future together? So if he moans and groans the first few times just talk about it but if it is an on going issue then further serious action needs to be taken

20wedding19 · 09/12/2019 11:23

*year

DesMartinsPetCat · 09/12/2019 11:24

My husband and I don’t have children. We both have demanding careers. I often have to travel for mine, he travels rarely for his.

When I’m traveling, he knows it’s tough on me. I’m naturally quite introverted and reserved so find being in a new place with lots of new people quite draining. My husband supports me by helping with packing (ie, if I’m working late he’ll nip to the dry cleaner on his way home if I haven’t had a chance to collect my own stuff), he’ll make an extra effort to have a grocery shop done before I get back etc. Just little things to make life easier.

He’s supportive because he knows that my traveling for work is better for both of us, long-term. He knows I don’t enjoy it, but he always encourages me to get out and see the cities I’m in rather than just spending evenings in hotel rooms with my laptop.

Please don’t stop traveling for work because of him. A boyfriend should never hold your career back.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/12/2019 11:27

I travelled for work, not outside of the UK but to nice parts of the country - DH used to drive me to the station and tell me to have a good time. From time to time I took him with me, he would drive to the destination or pay his own rail fare, then potter about while I was at work. Is this something your partner could do (or that you would want him to do)? Then you have time at night to go out. DH got on really well with my fellow union reps that he was always invited to our union conference in Brighton.

user1479305498 · 09/12/2019 11:30

It sounds to me like those Brexiters who go on about ‘urban metropolitan elite’ as they say are quite happy in Doncaster and it’s got everything they need, but in reality many are insanely jealous of those whose jobs give them variety and travel. Tell him to either seek something with those kind of opportunities or put up and shut up as it’s not done to annoy him- it’s part of your job, you know that thing that brings regular income in. If he needs to skill up point him in the direction of night school etc. Life involves choices and ‘sometimes’ those who haven’t been born with a silver spoon in their mouth and have got on and get the Plummier jobs have often at some stage put the effort in or moved away to where they know no one or few people etc- not expected it to land on their lap and have a go at their partner

drspouse · 09/12/2019 11:34

I go on work trips and DH was possibly a bit jealous before we had the DCs but we did manage to combine one or two with a holiday - he would either fly out with me and do touristy things while I was working, or come as I finished my work. Is that a possibility for you?
But overall, I think your DH needs to grow up. My DH was only jealous in that if he didn't come he'd be at home, slightly at a loose end. He never begrudged me the trips or thought they were jollies.

I still travel for work and still to interesting places. The last time I went abroad, I spent the entire week in a meeting room crunching data. There was a festival while I was there and I saw people arriving for it in the morning in the taxi on the way to the meeting room. I went out for dinner with the team once and fended for myself the rest of the time. This included an evening when I had leftovers from my room fridge for my dinner because there was a huge rain storm and I couldn't get a taxi to come and take me out for dinner. The city I was in would be an AMAZING holiday destination (but it's too far for the DCs at the moment) but it wasn't a holiday.

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 11:41

I think there's two issues. The first is that he is jealous. You can't do anything about it. You can either stop him when he starts complaining and ask him what plans he's put in place to find a job with travel. Or you can make sympathetic noises. Or you can decide that it shows a deep-rooted problem that means he can't support you, always wants what you have and that ultimately, he isn't a good partner for you.

The second issue is that you want him to overcome his jealousy to support you with the difficulties you have on trips. I don't think it's fair to ask him to do this. He's not in a place to hear your problems with something that he aspires to do. It's a bit like complaining your diamond shoes are too tight to someone with bare feet. Plus, he might not be able to relate to your complaints. Both myself and DH travel for work. Dh complains. I love it. Yy it's long hours and hard work but I love meeting new people, being in a different environment, staying in a nice hotel. I can't relate to DH's complaints about it.The most I can manage is to nod and say I know you find that difficult but I would love it.

Hepsibar · 09/12/2019 11:42

Sounds like you have got yourself stuck with someone who is in a lower league than you workwise.

He realises his inferiority and is trying to bring you down, whereas the normal reaction would be to support your partner in their career.

How luck you dont have children otherwise the decision to leave such an absolute dumbo would be more difficult.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 11:44

He sounds very selfish.

It's your JOB. It's not like you're off on hollibobs every 5 minutes.

I would really be rethinking staying with someone who has this attitude.

AnuvvaMuvva · 09/12/2019 11:45

On the one hand I could say I won't attend, but on the other hand I want to

Never ever never give anything up for a man! Especially not a whining man-baby.

You keep going on trips. Keep building your self confidence. Keep getting life experiences. And if he doesn't like it, get rid of HIM, not your opportunities.