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Original poster

Inequality with house/money

73 replies

Gorillagorillagorilla · 09/12/2019 08:13

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and still don't feel equal to him. I moved into his house with his daughter after previously having owned my own house with ex. I pay "rent" which is half of all bills and mortgage and half of all other costs eg food and house stuff, and will continue to do so out of savings when on mat leave (we are TTC). He always refers to it as his house and I feel uncomfortable, especially when we will have a baby and I have no security. I also had hoped we would merge money when having children but he has made it clear he doesn't like joint accounts and didn't value childcare as a contribution from his ex so I would feel as if on my own. I always seem to owe him for things and it's not a nice feeling.

OP posts:
Xenia · 09/12/2019 08:15

Was there any reason he could not have moved into the house you owned with your ex?

Wildorchidz · 09/12/2019 08:15

Look at it as a positive thing that you know this before you have become pregnant.
Realise that he probably won’t change.
Then decide if that’s the way you want your life to be.

GOODCAT · 09/12/2019 08:16

You should move on and not have kids with him. You shouldn't be paying half his mortgage either.

Sushiroller · 09/12/2019 08:17

and will continue to do so out of savings when on mat leave (we are TTC).

For the love of god stop TTC!!!!!

What are you thinking??? This isn't a loving relationship, It's a business agreement.

You aren't married so will have depleted savings and no rights if /when you finally wake up and smell the coffee....

LemonTT · 09/12/2019 08:18

Why would you be trying to get pregnant in these circumstances?

BuckingFrolics · 09/12/2019 08:20

He may be bright and sparkling on the outside but OMFG is he a shit underneath. Go now.

Blinkingblimey · 09/12/2019 08:22

I’m afraid I’m in agreement with the others above. Please stop TTC and reassess exactly where you are and how you are going to move forward.

AgentJohnson · 09/12/2019 08:23

Oh dear! This is who he is and waiting for him to be different is futile. You’ve been in a relationship less than a year and have moved in and are TTC, is there a reason for the rush? It appears especially strange that you’re committing to a man that has very different ideas about what being in a relationship and having a child is.

Your gut is telling you you need to slow down and to accept the person you are with in stead of some future version you hope he will be.

You are sleep walking int a very precarious position, one that would leave you and your child at a disadvantage.

Frenchw1fe · 09/12/2019 08:24

Fgs don't get pregnant and leave now!

pog100 · 09/12/2019 08:24

For God's sake, just think! Then act.

Dacquoise · 09/12/2019 08:25

If you are sharing his house then you should be contributing to costs. Accommodation isn't free and you would have to pay rent or mortgage to house yourself somewhere else so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to charge you something for it.

However, I get the feeling that you don't feel like a committed couple with this set up because if you split up you won't have any assets to show for it. You are also making yourself financially vulnerable by having a baby with this man without marriage. Your choices are to try to change the set up by buying something together, or buying a share of the house if that is possible and certainly have a think about starting a family without marriage as it will certainly affect your earning potential. A serious chat is needed.

Berthatydfil · 09/12/2019 08:25

Don’t pay his mortgage unless you have a share in the house. Bills yes and food. Don’t ttc unless you have more financial security.

BlouseAndSkirt · 09/12/2019 08:26

“he has made it clear he doesn't like joint accounts and didn't value childcare as a contribution from his ex so I would feel as if on my own. I always seem to owe him for things and it's not a nice feeling.”

Believe him. He didn’t treat his ex as an equal, he will not treat you as an equal. He has told you in plain words that it is his house and he will not support you to do childcare.

You have your instinct: that this is not a nice feeling.

The situation will be much, much worse if you have a child. You will be entitled to no support from him, no share if the house, and worse you will have lost or compromised your ability to make an income for yourself. You will be trapped in dependency on this man.

Please please do not do this to yourself or to a child. Stop TTC now. Leave. Have a close look at your boundaries and self respect, and find someone who respects and values you.

Winesalot · 09/12/2019 08:27

Red flags 🚩 didn’t value childcare & you are paying half towards bills and mortgage with no hope of equity in future

I think you know that this is not going to go well. This is not a person to be planning a happy future with.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2019 08:27

Is there a reason you didn't discuss this before moving on or deciding to have a kid. I don't understand your statement you'd "hoped". If you can't discuss finances your relationship isn't in a good way.

Berthatydfil · 09/12/2019 08:28

Actually re reading your op - ltb.
He didn’t value his ex’s contribution to the family by doing the childcare. What makes you think he will change.
He will expect you to work and contribute financially to his house while paying for all the childcare and probably paying for all the other costs of any child.

DowntonCrabby · 09/12/2019 08:29

Wildorchidz

Look at it as a positive thing that you know this before you have become pregnant.
Realise that he probably won’t change.
Then decide if that’s the way you want your life to be

This!!! 100%

Quartz2208 · 09/12/2019 08:30

What do you owe him for if you pay half

Run OP huge red flag

Bananalanacake · 09/12/2019 08:34

could you afford to live on your own. it will be much more relaxed than having to pay half and not feel like it's your place.

Lozzerbmc · 09/12/2019 08:37

You would be very vulnerable with a baby in this situation so I would seriously reconsider.

What do you mean doesnt value childcare... thats a worry. You’d work, run the house and look after baby...? And then if relationship went wrong you’d have nothing... no home, depleted savings... i’d think very carefully!

Stegosaurus1990 · 09/12/2019 08:41

So why do you want a baby with him? You’ve only been together a year-this should be the honeymoon period!! The worst is yet to come!!!

Isleepinahedgefund · 09/12/2019 08:47

He's planning for you to pay half the household costs during your mat leave - How is he proposing that you continue doing this when your mat leave is over?

I'll bet money that childcare is going to be YOUR cost rather than a shared one.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Do not procreate with him.

He's told you he doesn't value childcare as a contribution - he will always expect you to contribute 50/50 financially regardless of how your earnings are impacted by parenthood.
He does not want to share with you like you want to share with you.
He doesn't want joint finances - he won't change his mind.
He says it's HIS house - it will never be yours as well.
He's been round the block and done this relationship/children thing before - he has consciously decided this is how he's going to do it again, he will not change.

afterme · 09/12/2019 08:49

Well don’t have a child with him if you don’t like the arrangement. That’s the easiest way to solve the problem.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/12/2019 08:51

Do not have a baby with this man!

SourAndSnippy · 09/12/2019 08:52

This sounds like a disaster. It's a bit selfish to want to bring a child into such a flaky situation. Is there a reason you are in such a rush to ttc.