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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Inequality with house/money

73 replies

Gorillagorillagorilla · 09/12/2019 08:13

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and still don't feel equal to him. I moved into his house with his daughter after previously having owned my own house with ex. I pay "rent" which is half of all bills and mortgage and half of all other costs eg food and house stuff, and will continue to do so out of savings when on mat leave (we are TTC). He always refers to it as his house and I feel uncomfortable, especially when we will have a baby and I have no security. I also had hoped we would merge money when having children but he has made it clear he doesn't like joint accounts and didn't value childcare as a contribution from his ex so I would feel as if on my own. I always seem to owe him for things and it's not a nice feeling.

OP posts:

readitandwept · 09/12/2019 08:53

To have moved in in less than a year into your relationship when he has a child is selfish. To be TTC in that timeframe and under these circumstances is downright ridiculous.

afterme · 09/12/2019 08:55

At least you know the score in advance.

Goawayquickly · 09/12/2019 08:59

You would be a fool to have a baby with this man.

5LeafClover · 09/12/2019 09:01

You are financially vulnerable and becoming more so each month. Using your savings on mat leave to pay his bills and mortgage is a very poor choice for you. ( I'm going to bet that you also take on a lot of the housework for him and his daughter too).

This is not a kind man underneath. He isn't even bothering to hide it too much.

nzeire · 09/12/2019 09:03

God this site is depressing. Why on earth is this ok?

FinallyHere · 09/12/2019 09:04

will continue to do so out of savings when on mat leave (we are TTC).

Look, I'm really really sorry for you. Having a partner who expects you to continue to contribute 50:50 to finances while growing a baby is a really bad sign for the future.

What is he contributing to the child ? Does he really consider his sperm to be worth the same as your nine months carrying ?

That cannot be correct on any level. Ah, and he doesn't value child care as a contribution

Please, do yourself a favour and stop TTC. And get away from him as quickly as possible. You are paying half his mortgage and he is going to keep any profits.

These signs all point one way. Please see it as a wake up call to get away from him before you are tied to him by a baby.

Find a much kinder, more decent father for your baby. All the best

Purplewithred · 09/12/2019 09:05

The most important decision you will ever make is who the father of your children will be.

This man is not prepared to share with you or take responsibility for his own child with you. Don’t have a baby with him.

BuildBuildings · 09/12/2019 09:05

Why eoul you ttc when he's told you this op?

CallmeAngelina · 09/12/2019 09:05

FFS, what are you THINKING?????!!!!!
STOP RIGHT NOW. Do NOT have a baby with this man.
Please.
Read through some of the gazillion threads from posters on here in a similar set up, who are a year or two down the line from you and stuck.

bsc · 09/12/2019 09:07

Why are you doing this?

bsc · 09/12/2019 09:07

And he is not your 'partner' in any way!

JoJoSM2 · 09/12/2019 09:10

I'm also baffled why you're TTC. It's like you're trying to have a tough life instead of seeking a healthy relationship.

Bartlet · 09/12/2019 09:12

Agree with all the previous posters. Do not have a baby with this man.

Bohemond · 09/12/2019 09:15

You have known this man less than a year. He is a dick. You are TTC. Jesus wept.

Chickentenders · 09/12/2019 09:25

I think paying rent and food and bills is fine to be honest. You can’t expect to live somewhere for free and everyone has to pay for their own living expenses. This is a new relationship after all and you are not married.

What happened to your money from your house with your ex? It would be a good idea to go and buy a small flat so you have that as a back up if this relationship fails. You could rent it out.

But the problem is the way he views childcare and your maternity leave. This child is both your responsibility. He needs to support you financially during maternity leave as he will be the only parent earning and then when you go back to work he needs to pay his share of childcare costs as well. He can’t expect you to use all your savings and then pay all the childcare costs.

If you still want a baby with him after discussing this issue with him then at least you have gone into this situation with your eyes open.

AJPTaylor · 09/12/2019 09:29

Give your head a wobble.
How much looking after of his daughter do you do now?

fastliving · 09/12/2019 09:32

Are you mad?
You are going to get into debt in your maternity leave so you can pay his mortgage for him?
Please give your head a wobble, this guy is milking you.
Will he charge you extra when there is an extra child (yours and his) living in his house?

moooove · 09/12/2019 09:32

Why on earth are you ttc? He doesn't value childcare as a contribution?! And you're planning on paying half out of your savings when on mat? Come on op, do you want a difficult life or something? He is genuinely telling you and showing you exactly how difficult, unequal and undervalued your life will be with him. Listen!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/12/2019 09:35

What are your thoughts on marriage?

ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 09/12/2019 09:37

I’m going to be blunt. You are being very stupid ttc with this man. Don’t do it!

edwinbear · 09/12/2019 09:37

You have known him less than a year and he is behaving like this? Give your head a wobble OP, why on earth would you have a baby with him??

Heartofglass12345 · 09/12/2019 09:41

Oh god please don't have a baby with him. If he didn't even value childcare from his ex, did he even help with bringing up his baby or did he expect her to do it all as well as look after the house? He seems like that kind of man. Thinks he is more important and doesn't have to do anything because he's been in work and you've been at home 'doing nothing' all day. Have you asked him what will happen when you have a baby and can't pay half? It's just going to use up all your savings!

My husband made it very clear to me that after we had kids and my ML ended (I didn't go back to work) his wages were OUR money. And he never 'expected' me to do anything apart from look after our baby when I was on ML. Even now both of our boys have started school he doesn't expect me to get a job (although I need to as we are starting to struggle)

Lemond1fficult · 09/12/2019 09:42

My friend is married to a guy like this. They have 2 kids and have been together since we were teenagers.

Since having kids she is a freelance creative making not very much around her childcare duties (95% including all night waking, feeds, nappies, house work). She pays for half bills, all childcare, kids clothes, toys, things for the house, plus her own needs (like her battered old VW Polo). She often can't come away or go out with us as she has no money.

He, meanwhile, has a high paid, skilled job, lots of OT, and does about 2 half days childcare pm, pays half bills and all mortgage (which is solely in his name). He often goes away on snowboarding trips with his mates (while she looks after the kids, obvs), drives a new VW, new trainers all the time etc.

There's nothing wrong with having no money, but you should be in it together. Instead, he lives high on the hog, and she scrimps. I've tried, very gently, to get her to see how the financial cost of doing all childcare and housework isn't being recognised, but she's in too deep now, and doesn't want to face it. Plus, they're very happy so long as she doesn't rock the boat.

Does that sound like the kind of life you want for yourself?

CalleighDoodle · 09/12/2019 10:45

Ffs find someone who isnt a nob

Goldenchildsmum · 09/12/2019 12:10

*For the love of god stop TTC!!!!!

What are you thinking??? This isn't a loving relationship, It's a business agreement.

You aren't married so will have depleted savings and no rights if /when you finally wake up and smell the coffee....*

This

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