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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How is the best way to tell him I am leaving?

61 replies

cantdecide1 · 08/12/2019 23:15

I have posted previously and hopefully now gave a house for after Xmas. I haven't yet told my husband I am leaving I have made it clear I am unhappy. He is a nice person but does nothing to help me ..He spends too much and we don't have a proper relationship in that he does nothing with me or the kids as he would rather be in the pub or asleep. But I don't want to hurt him..I know it's inevitable to an extent but how do I tell him in the kindest way possible?

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 08/12/2019 23:19

Ah, wait until the time you're legit. I wouldn't give him too much notice, because he might start with the crying and guilt tripping.

Singlenotsingle · 08/12/2019 23:23

Tell him you're unhappy and tell him why. Say you're thinking of leaving. He might not be upset anyway. It sounds like he's bored with married life and he's putting his head in the sand, hoping it'll all go away.

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 11/12/2019 13:56

i didn't type everything on here because i was on my phone and its a nightmare. i told my husband i was unhappy a year ago last summer and that i thought we should split up. He didn't want to and just asked if i had another man. I told him i couldnt cope with him spending all the money in the pub and on pot and that i didn't want him making his self ill ( i had just lost 2 family members) i asked him to stop smoking and cut down on drinking, he said he would. fast forward a year and a half he goes to the pub every day i have told him i cant pay the bills but still the pub comes first. He wont take kids to or pick up from clubs because he is too tired (he does do long days) but its really because he wants to go to the pub. He delegates any childcare when i am working to our 15 year old son so he can go to the pub. I have just lost another family member who i spoke to about how i felt before she died and she said life was too short.. look at her (she died of cancer at 46) and that he had never treated me right.. and make a change before its too late. I have made a few mistakes over the last year that have made me realise how unhappy i am .. i got involved with a man, who told me i was basically just a bit of fun to him and he had other women too but i felt so low i still let into my life. He got what he wanted and then told ppl and left me with more mess. it was my fault but i thought he was a friend. anyway i realised that if i was even capable of being attracted to another man things with my DH are really bad and i don't want to be a cheater so i am leaving for all these reasons. I have another house and i will tell him nearer the date i can move in. but he is a nice person just very selfish and lazy and i am both dreading hurting him and terrified of how he will react.

OP posts:

crystalize · 11/12/2019 14:02

He doesn't give a shit about your wants and needs so why should you about his. He is already hurting you and has been for a long time.

Don't tell him until everything is in place and close to the time is my advice because very likely he will like PP said start the begging and pleading.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2019 14:31

He doesn't care about you or his children so you need to stop worrying about you.

Frankly, I'd go and leave him a note. But I'm a cow like that.

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 11/12/2019 14:59

i am such a fucking doormat i wish i could leave a note, and yes he has hurt me so much for so long and loads more than i have put on there. he has never physically hurt me though. And he calls me all day asking me how i am etc..but when it comes down to actual solid support there is none. I feel like a slave, who he just uses as and when he pleases. The really stupid thing is i let another man use me just the same. I am hoping as soon as i can get away i can start to build up some self respect and stop people using me. i always think people are nice but its not the case. I think my plan is to tell him when the house is ready, when i have essential stuff in there and go him maybe 1 or 2 days notice so the kids can get used to it and then we can go.

OP posts:

crystalize · 12/12/2019 14:25

Ahh it sounds like you're the people pleaser type. Look up co dependency and ways to improve your self esteem. Also why not just leave a letter or email when you go? You don't owe him an explanation in person. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason you like.

Winterdaysarehere · 12/12/2019 14:28

I left exh a note. He never believed I would leave. I borrowed cash from dgm for rent, a neighbour hired a van and loaded it.
I moved out while he was at work.
No regrets whatsoever.
It's sink or swim op.
Make sure you are the swimmer..

Hidingtonothing · 12/12/2019 14:41

Your plan sounds good to me OP, I think it's important the new place is ready in case he reacts badly and you have to go there and then. It sounds really callous but I think in the meantime you have to try to stop feeling bad and thinking of him as a 'nice person'. He has been entirely selfish for a long time (at your expense because it was you picking up the slack) so it's time now for you to stop thinking as a couple, considering his feelings and making excuses for him because he's 'nice' and start thinking purely about what's good for you and DC. We're here for when you have a wobble and forget why you're doing this and we'll be more than happy to talk you down. Does anyone in real life know what you're doing and can offer support?

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 19/12/2019 14:10

thank you all and @Hidingtonothing i have been told the house will be mine from the 15th Jan i have never felt so much confusion. I know what i am doing is right but i also am so worried .. worried i will hurt him (i will) worried the kids will be upset .. about losing extended family and obviously about finances.. also what if i am wrong. I know in my heart i am not. The moment i let another man touch me i knew it was over with my DH .. the other guy was what i thought of at the time as a good friend and i thought i could trust him. I thought he was helping me through a difficult time but he had his own agenda and got what he wanted, told his mates and i literally never saw him again. I feel such a fool it it made me realise what a mess i am , how gullible i am and how unhappy i am. but yes i cheated and that is very wrong of me.. and another reason i think i need to do this because in the past i would never have even looked at another man. I dont know if grief has sent me mental or what but.. i need to move forward So no men for me just me and the kids and a way forward after the terrifying telling him bit. i just don't know how to get the words out. its the hardest thing i have ever done. how do you tell someone of 20 years that its over your going and there is nothing they can do to change it?? and so many people say it has to be my choice and i mucy be sure i am.. sure i am not happy but till not sure that i am doing the right thing for everyone else am i sacrificing their happiness for mine? that said he does nothing for me or the kids .. so confused

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 19/12/2019 14:16

You stop worrying about him.
He choose this, not you.
Do not depend on him paying money, anything you get is a bonus, same for child care.
I am sure your children will adjust, children always do, just tell them the truth, your unhappy and have decided new decade new life.
Tell him, that If he won't change your off.
Tell him next time he does something.

FruitcakeOfHate · 19/12/2019 14:20

He's not a nice person. He's a selfish addict. I'd go with clearing off and leaving him a note.

Snooper22 · 19/12/2019 15:32

Dont worry about him, he will have some other mug in no time at all. Believe me I've been there and it was hell!!

TheReef · 19/12/2019 15:52

Why worry, just pack your stuff up and leave

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/12/2019 16:10

Stop worrying about upsetting HIM.

He's had plenty of opportunities to stop upsetting you and he hasn't.

You don't owe him a damn thing. Start squirrelling away important paperwork/birth certificates/passports - could you store them with a relative? Along with a bag of essentials for you and the kids.

Personally I wouldn't tell him until after the house is ready. Up to you whether you do it face to face, by text or by letter.

Just telling him you are done asking him to change. So you have decided to change instead, and that you are leaving.

And well done for getting a house sorted out. Start looking into some courses or counselling to boost your self-esteem, sounds like he's really ground you down over the years.

Dery · 20/12/2019 00:15

Agree with others - don't say anything until you're ready to move. He will be hurt but you need to do this for your and your DCs' wellbeing. In this situation, it's not your job to look after him; it is your job to look after your DCs and yourself. He may try to persuade you to stay and it's clear from what you have said that you would find that very difficult. So just tell him when you're ready to go and, personally, I also think it would be okay to do it by letter if that's easiest for you. You can follow that up with a personal meeting if appropriate but it would allow you to explain everything clearly and not be swayed.

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 24/12/2019 09:06

So I now have the contraction the house signed and it's mine from the 15th Jan. Since then things have gone from bad to worse. He said we could spend Christmas with my brother who's wife died..but then when I arranged that he said i was very very selfish as he wants to be with his parents. He hasn't spoken to me since. He hasn't got out of bed for 4 days last night I slept on the lounge floor rather then with him. He said he will stay home on his own and be fucking miserable. He expects me to leave my elderly mother alone. I won't do that. I have told his mum all about his drinking and drugs end how much he spends. She told him off so now he is willing in bed all day. Roll on the 15th because he is trying to break me and I am trying to ignore it and still give my kids a nice christmas.

OP posts:

AppleKatie · 24/12/2019 09:11

Completely ignore him OP. Tell him nothing just get on with doing what’s best for you and the kids this Christmas. Out of the house as much as possible.

Weenurse · 24/12/2019 09:19

Stay strong.
Can you start packing things quietly while he has taken to his bed?

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 26/12/2019 13:16

Thanks all. Well his mum told him off again and now he is being all nice. I am currently sat next to him in the car pretending everything is peachy as we go to visit his family (spent Xmas with mine.. he stayed home!). Am visiting in-laws for the kids not him..they love them whatever. The temptation to tell everyone is do strong but I won't. Yes I am moving stuff on the quiet and I have been given and baught cheap stuff to basically furnish the house do we can move straight in. On Christmas eve he had been to the pub was drunk or stoned and had decided he wanted to be friendly..then got all grumpy because I wouldn't let him touch me. Last Christmas he has ruined for me x

OP posts:

AppleKatie · 26/12/2019 19:42

Stay strong OP. Well done!

Weenurse · 27/12/2019 22:29

Stay strong.
Advantage of him taking to his bed is you can pack and store stuff.

Interestedwoman · 27/12/2019 23:13

You've made the right choice. Wishing you a more relaxing and happy future. xxx

Onekidnoclue · 27/12/2019 23:17

Good luck OP. I hope 2020 is a wonderful new year for you.

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 03/01/2020 08:36

I get the keys on the 15th and still pushing ahead but he has been Mr nice ever since boxing day and I am finding really hard to cope with. Any words to help me through this ? I feel like an evil bitch and am terrified i might be making a mistake and equally terrified of telling him

OP posts:

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