How is the best way to tell him I am leaving?

[cantdecide1]

I have posted previously and hopefully now gave a house for after Xmas. I haven't yet told my husband I am leaving I have made it clear I am unhappy. He is a nice person but does nothing to help me ..He spends too much and we don't have a proper relationship in that he does nothing with me or the kids as he would rather be in the pub or asleep. But I don't want to hurt him..I know it's inevitable to an extent but how do I tell him in the kindest way possible?

Just keep thinking of the future for you and your kids. He can't keep the nice guy act up for long. I bet if you change your mind and stay he will revert to selfish twattery on the 16th. Look after yourself, play the game and get out. And keep posting here for support.

Thank you it's just so hard. You know when you wish a grown up would come and fix everything for you?! He will be so shocked. I realised today ..the day our marriage ended it was 4 years ago I found out he had been in some hook up site..I then started checking his phone but that made me feel worse so I convinced myself if u didn't know what he was doing or thinking about it.. what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. But I never ever trusted him again ..I think that's when our marriage died and he didn't even know..that was last of many things he did. The joke is I don't think he physically cheated on me (I don't know though) but that's why I didn't feel bad for cheating on him..by then he had took every bit of confidence and self respect from me. I have to stay strong and do this even though I will hurt him which still makes me sad x

so i get the keys Wednesday, getting house all ready then will tell him Sunday. DH is still being super nice..this is definatley the hardest thing i have ever done. I hope the kids will understand and maybe be happier too.

Good luck xx

thank you @Snooper22

Have you told him? I take it you are still getting keys tomorrow?

Well I did it. He absolutely hates me. Was in utter shock. I feel really bad for him but it was the only way. The children love the new house and took it very well. Today will be our first day and night there and they both have friends coming over to visit today

Just started reading this post, I think you are absolutely amazing to carry this through. A massive well done. You will be happier without a doubt. The right thing for you and your children. Yes, life it too short, I have separated after 42 years (drinking) him not me! Should of done it years ago. They have no right to treat you this way and make you miserable. Respect all the way. Good luck to you 🌺🌺🌺

Well done! The start of a new life for you and your kids. If ever you feel sorry for him read your previous posts and remember why you wanted to move out in the first place. It takes a strong woman to do what you've done. I suspect his mother told him he was on the brink of losing you which would account for his change in behaviour since boxing day. Good luck to you, you deserve it

Well done. I know it's a cliche but he's only got himself to blame.

Well done OP

Well done can't decide.

I'm a few steps behind you, but hope to be there in a few weeks.

The guilt is killing me 😞😞

Thank you everyone we have now had 3 nights in the new house and it feels a whole lot calmer and more organised. My teenager "seems" happy and settled. My daughter is sad and misses dad as he has not come back to town yet. He has gone between saying he won't be an arsehole wil change and win me back to anger about why have u done it..why didn't I warn him and that I am deceitful..which I have been but I had no choice.
@YommyMommy good luck..everyone on here really helped me and my friends. I still feel very sad to have hurt him but like ppl say he has hurt me over the years as I am sure your DH has. I still feel guilt but a bit less. Now I am daunted by the idea of clearing the family home and selling it..but it has to he done. Take a deep breath ..we got this girl x

Hey keep strong.. it's quite unreal that they 'never saw it coming' and 'should have told them' but if they were a decent loving person you wouldn't have done it?! I moved out with my kids, it was the best thing I did. He did absolutely nothing to win me back and just expected me to accept his behaviour. I had had enough after 15 yrs. No support, no help, nothing. I did it all on my own all of the time.
So I admire you for doing what you have done and stick to your guns...he wont change, I know my ex hasn't..hes aged alot and put on loads of weight- in 5 yrs, got himself another child, and gets drunk when he can.
I'm glad I'm out of it 😄

Every time you remember a shitty, selfish thing he did, write it down on a list, it'll help you to read it when the guilt waves come.

Your ex sounds a lot like my girlfriend's ex - in general behavior, attitude and reaction to the split. Not evil, not abusive (at least with any intent,) never violent - but selfish, useless and completely unengaged with family life. Four years on and he's doing a fairly good job of the weekend dad thing, and has a better connection with his daughters than he did when he lived at home (and had little interaction with them.) I hope it works out the same for your kids.

My girlfriend overestimated how much of a blow it would be to her kids to not have their dad living with them. She was prepared for so much worse than the eventual reality. When he would see them afterwards he'd basically have to interact with them properly, since he couldn't just fob it off on mum all the time as he had previously. Again, I hope your children cope just as well as her's did.

I waited until my husband was away for work, packed the car and just as I was about to write him a note he called to ask why I was leaving. Guessing a neighbour told him or he saw on the cctv. Who knows - or cares - but I'd recommend that as an approach! No aggro, no guilt tripping, no chance to get abusive or violent.

Well done OP, you know the Mr Nice and helpful act wouldn't last right? He'd be back to his usual self in no time.

Hi all and thanks had him on the phone in tears. I feel so horrible. he is coming to see the kids this weekend and i know he will cry and so will they and it will be just awful. Where do i meet him with the kids for what will be a very emotional meeting?

Why is he coming to yours to see the DC? They should go to his house.

Keep your boundaries and don't let him in your home

YOU ARE A SUPER STAR!!!

Ignore all his crying and pleading. It's all part of the act to guilt you into doing what he wants. He can fuck right off.

You know he's an arsehole and that you don't want to be with him any more. His opinion about that doesn't matter any more.

You have done the MOST DIFFICULT part of it - which is to get out and begin a new life for yourself. He will want to continue to control your life. The only thing that he's sorry about is that he has lost his "slave".

Tough shit, arsehole.
You rock!
x

Listen to @Sicario! He WILL NOT CHANGE, no matter what he says or promises.

One life!! That's all you have. You've probably done him a favour by leaving, he just doesn't know it yet.

Be strong and you rock!

Very important that you start as you mean to go on.

DO NOT LET HIM INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

Your house. Your rules. Your life.

The way he handles his contact with his children is not your responsibility. He is now responsible for his contact time and for his behaviour during that time. He will try to use the kids as pawns to get to you. This is exactly what my ex did.

Imagine putting a protective forcefield around yourself, like a protective egg that you sit inside. Do not let him crack your egg. It is HIS FAULT that he is now in this position. You did everything you could to hold your family unit together until it became untenable. Women like us will take an awful lot of shit before we say "No more. This is not good enough for me."

I am filled with admiration for the way you have handled this. He will be utterly shocked that you had the balls to walk away and will do everything he can to undermine you.

Stay strong. Stay groovy. Play your own music and dance in your own kitchen. Your kids will benefit hugely from having a happy mother and a loving house in which to live. The fall-out from the separation will of course be difficult for them, but you can be there for them and help them through it.

HE collects them and takes them out.
You need to ensure there is someone else there to do the hand over!
If your DS is 15 then you probably don't need anyone there but he will push the boundaries of his DS and try to get into the house etc.... so best to have an adult there to ensure that does not happen.
It's up to him where he takes them.
Stop mothering him.
He is a grown up adult and he can quite easily sort out a walk or a meal somewhere.
Leave him to it!

he has has not been back to the marital home since i told him and sated at his mums 3hrs away. He is getting the train back sunday and asked me to pick him up from the station and bring the youngest to meet him. I think he plans on collecting his car and clothes and going back there to get over it. I think he knows the oldest is not so bothered. He will not be invited to the new house but its only round the corner from the old one so he will soon find it. My brother said first meeting should be somewhere completely separate neither new or old house so i was wondering about a cafe? incidentally he has also offered me money towards kids which i didn't expect. i have to get the line between not giving him hope and not lloking like a total bitch to the kids. PS i love my new house, i love the peace and that we are eating together everyday. I also love not been groped at 3am.