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Original poster

Are red flags fool proof?

70 replies

butterflyFed · 08/12/2019 14:01

I have been OLD intermittently for 2 years and met 10-15 people in person. Mostly 1-date nightmares. Now, I I have met a man who seems not only normal but great. We have chatted for 3 weeks and met once. I can't believe he is single!

I guess I am been extra cautious and there was one thing that made me start thinking.

  • He is from CountryX but has lived here for 3 years. His phone number is still from that country.

This made me think he may have two phones. Sometimes it takes hours to deliver WhatsApp messages, but this usually happens during work hours, weekends are ok, nights are ok.

  • He left mid date because he received a message saying his son couldn't sleep if he was not there.

I found his social media and he divorced about 4 years ago, ex still lives in CountryX, he lives here with son, all checks out. A woman about a year ago flirting in his wall but he was not entertaining. His friends encouraged him to take her out and he answered very politely they were not a good match.

The thing that started all this was a combination of him saying one day he will take me to visit lovely CountryX but failing to arrange a second date.

He said he would like a second date during our first, the next day how he had enjoyed and would like to meet again. A couple of days ago that he was going to dream of our second date...

We have been messaging everyday (15-20 messages through the day), he keeps repeating he is intimated by my intelligence, saying I am beautiful, joking about how many candidates I must have and how shocked he is I still talk to him. I have told him I think he is handsome and intelligent as well, and said I would like to meet again. When he said he would dream about our date, I replied "let's make it happen".

We talked yesterday but it was the first day he didn't say goodnight and today he read my message trying to initiate a conversation about a date by referring to the dream and has not replied.

I think he will write to me later (if he doesn't I will be shocked but will get the message).

I thought he liked me, but I am starting to doubt it and thinking he is committed or not interested. Then I wake myself up, saying he would not say all this if he didn't want a second date, and everything I have found about him matches what he told me.

Am I been silly? Should I ask for a date directly when he replies?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2019 14:06

he keeps repeating he is intimated by my intelligence

This alone is all the reason you need to GET RID. He sounds very suspect to me.

BillHadersNewWife · 08/12/2019 14:06

Time waster...move on.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 08/12/2019 14:10

If he was interested he’d ask you out.

afterme · 08/12/2019 14:11

Sounds like he is messing you around and he will probably do a disappearing act anyway.

Thelnebriati · 08/12/2019 14:20

He's got you interested and chasing him. If you were a friend of mine, I'd be concerned.

namechange4052 · 08/12/2019 14:28

If he wanted a second date he would already have sorted a day and time with you. He's an annoying time waster.

Windmillwhirl · 08/12/2019 14:37

As others have said, he'd have sorted the date if he wanted to. No man is going to hang around when he fancies someone; you don't want to let someone else swoop in.

Sorry, but I think he's playing the field and keeping options open.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 14:41

Timewaster, keeping you on the back burner for when he's at a loose end.

merryhouse · 08/12/2019 14:48

He sounds tedious...

but if you want a second date, suggest one. "Are you free for a drink after work on Tuesday?"

Don't get drawn into highfalutin text messages. Arrange a date, or say goodbye.

(You can tell I haven't dated since mobile phones, can't you)

RantyAnty · 08/12/2019 15:27

Stop texting him so much and see if he asks you out again otherwise, keep going out on dates with people.

anotherdisaster · 08/12/2019 15:54

He sounds like a time waster. Just ask him outright "Can we get this 2nd date arranged please?" and if he still won't commit, then just block him with no explanation. Remember your time is precious and you're investing it in him when it may be pointless. Just get an answer to the question you have once and for all.

Original poster
butterflyFed · 08/12/2019 17:47

I am not actively OLD myself since I can't justify spending my energy for just meh dates/men. I had paused all my profiles when this man's message came through, but there was something about his way of communicating that I liked (we are also both expats with same mother tongue) so I replied.

After 3 weeks of talking and one date I have the impression that he has a golden heart and he is one of the good ones. He sounds humble, sensitive, hard working and totally devoted to his son. There are a few uncommon characteristics about his life choices that I appreciate.

I don't think he is keeping his options open. I honestly don't think he even gets a lot of replies (he said himself he must be ugly since he only got to chat to 3 people in 3 years). I think it is more a problem of been out of practice or self esteem. He was with his XW for 15 years, all his adult life. He was cheated on, pregnancy included.

I obviously don't want to waste my time, so I am debating between "not into me" (words say differently!) or different styles of communication (that would explain the dynamics). He replied saying he has been looking forward to Monday and Tuesday ,)the days I am free) and would go to my hometown (far away, not where currently living) to see me if it was necessary to what I replied that I was confused, he replied he was been very clear and we finally arranged a date for which he sounds very enthusiastic.

I think this can be frustrating long term, but don't know how to communicate it? It seems he is idealizing me (I am an average person in all fronts) to the point that he doesn't feel worthy of me.

OP posts:
Longfacenow · 08/12/2019 17:50

You are spending far too much energy on a guy you've had one date with.

Have you read the dreamer and the fantasy relationship?

I think people who want to date you date you. He is either not fussed or has issues.

category12 · 08/12/2019 17:53

Honestly you need to calm down the messaging. It's so easy to build up a false sense of intimacy and mirror someone online. You don't know him at all. Arrange more dates by all means, but stop putting him on a pedestal.

Oysterbabe · 08/12/2019 17:54

Have you heard more from him today? He sounds like he's love bombing. I would tred carefully and keep your wits about you.

underthebridgedowntown · 08/12/2019 17:54

Maybe he's waiting for you to ask and arrange the second date - make a suggestion for a time, date and location. Why are you waiting for him to ask?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2019 18:02

"After 3 weeks of talking and one date I have the impression that he has a golden heart and he is one of the good ones".

Oh dear. You've completely over invested in him and this is after just one meeting. You're sold on some fantasy; the reality of him is likely to be far different. Constant messaging paints a picture in your head and its a fantasy image. He sounds both tedious and a time waster. Someone who may well be idealising you already has big red flags around them and you ignore or minimise that at your emotional peril

Techway · 08/12/2019 18:08

Ignore the words (sounds excessive praise) so love bombing and judge him by his actions.

If you have met him once and then he left mid way through?? Sounds like he was caught out

MaeveDidIt · 08/12/2019 18:18

IMO you are being very naieve.
Oh yeah, he left half way through - OP come on!!
Actions speak louder than words and all you're getting is a shed-load of words.
He's playing you like a fiddle.

Opentooffers · 08/12/2019 18:20

You've had one date in 3 weeks, and he left part way through that? You are too easily pleased and put up with too little effort. Hard times ahead if you peruse this one, also if you can't tell the duds yet.

Savingforarainyday · 08/12/2019 18:25

People can portray themselves however they like via text.
He left halfway through your one and only date, and hasn't booked another one?

Hmmm.

I would be tempted to try the ' drink on Tuesday?' As suggested upthread. If no action commences, then ditch and move on.

AnniePankettonne · 08/12/2019 18:26

Too much work already.

anotherdisaster · 08/12/2019 18:28

Just see how he is on the 2nd date and take it from there. Its easy for everyone to assume he's no good but actions speak louder than words. Yes I do think you have over-invested (I currently have!) and you seem to assume everything he says must be true. I tend to be slightly more pessimistic than this.
Go on the date and see how you feel then.

josephineisblue · 08/12/2019 18:51

Time waster.

I would go on another date even if he asks.

josephineisblue · 08/12/2019 18:51

*would not