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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are red flags fool proof?

70 replies

butterflyFed · 08/12/2019 14:01

I have been OLD intermittently for 2 years and met 10-15 people in person. Mostly 1-date nightmares. Now, I I have met a man who seems not only normal but great. We have chatted for 3 weeks and met once. I can't believe he is single!

I guess I am been extra cautious and there was one thing that made me start thinking.

He is from CountryX but has lived here for 3 years. His phone number is still from that country.

This made me think he may have two phones. Sometimes it takes hours to deliver WhatsApp messages, but this usually happens during work hours, weekends are ok, nights are ok.

He left mid date because he received a message saying his son couldn't sleep if he was not there.

I found his social media and he divorced about 4 years ago, ex still lives in CountryX, he lives here with son, all checks out. A woman about a year ago flirting in his wall but he was not entertaining. His friends encouraged him to take her out and he answered very politely they were not a good match.

The thing that started all this was a combination of him saying one day he will take me to visit lovely CountryX but failing to arrange a second date.

He said he would like a second date during our first, the next day how he had enjoyed and would like to meet again. A couple of days ago that he was going to dream of our second date...

We have been messaging everyday (15-20 messages through the day), he keeps repeating he is intimated by my intelligence, saying I am beautiful, joking about how many candidates I must have and how shocked he is I still talk to him. I have told him I think he is handsome and intelligent as well, and said I would like to meet again. When he said he would dream about our date, I replied "let's make it happen".

We talked yesterday but it was the first day he didn't say goodnight and today he read my message trying to initiate a conversation about a date by referring to the dream and has not replied.

I think he will write to me later (if he doesn't I will be shocked but will get the message).

I thought he liked me, but I am starting to doubt it and thinking he is committed or not interested. Then I wake myself up, saying he would not say all this if he didn't want a second date, and everything I have found about him matches what he told me.

Am I been silly? Should I ask for a date directly when he replies?

OP posts:

CatAndHisKit · 09/12/2019 20:35

so Op gives more positive info and still gets negative replies.
As OP is more educated and a champion in sport (!) it's no surrise that a 'regula' guy feels in awe a bit, especially as the subject he's studying is already her profession!
His social media of 4yrs checks out, so he couldn't just be a liar as branded by many posters.
She also has plenty of experience with her dodgy ex to compare/get the vibes.
I hope it goes well on your date, OP, I think he's much more likely genuine than not. As far as you don't rush into anything, you've got the right open-minded attitudes with s degree of caution.

CatAndHisKit · 09/12/2019 20:36

gah sorry for many typos!

anotherdisaster · 09/12/2019 21:38

Let us know how the 2nd date went.

Original poster

butterflyFed · 10/12/2019 18:27

I came back to update

Second date was lovely. We chatted for hours over dinner and drinks. We talked about different topics, and it only came to confirm a bit more my first impression.

He seems kind, sensible and an interesting interlocutor. I could feel he was inhibited/shy at times, but he was quite fun and joked as well. For instance, he told me how much he liked that I greeted him with a kiss in the cheek, and if I could do it slower next time so it lasts longer

Religion is important for him, so that's something we talked about as well since I am.... just not.

While we were walking between places I held his arm and he also held that hand with his other hand, that was sweet.

And well, he said he liked "everything" and hoped I wanted to meet again and something would develop with time.

So, he has two phones, left a date suddenly, things that are red flags. But I think they may not be fool proof indicators.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 10/12/2019 18:30

Well that sounds like great news OP. Just try to take is slowly and see how things pan out now. Try not to overthink things too much, although its obviously good to be cautious.

Jiggles101 · 10/12/2019 19:12

Would school really recommend the boy live into with his father? This is really not schools place to comment on! Sounds off to me.

Jiggles101 · 10/12/2019 19:13

Live only with his father that should say!

Original poster

butterflyFed · 10/12/2019 20:13

I don't want to give details but schools/teachers are mandated reporters and they intervened. A word to the wise...

He ran out of data in his plan yesterday so I was waiting to see if he tried to communicate today or it would be his excuse. And he called me at lunch time

OP posts:

CatAndHisKit · 10/12/2019 20:16

I did have a good feeling about him, OP. Obviously need time to get to know each other more, but a good start. Hope it does progress into something meaningful!

gettingfedupagain · 10/12/2019 20:30

I'm glad second date went well but I'd be very suspicious that his text about his son not sleeping arrived while you we're away from the table. That's a big coincidence. Who was babysitting? Surely either someone familiar to the child or a professional baby sitter (they only tend to ring in emergencies btw)

Original poster

butterflyFed · 10/12/2019 20:37

His son was with the grandmother. I don't think the text arrived just when I went to the bathroom, as a coincidence, but he politely kept his phone in his pocket when we were talking and probably checked it when I left for the bathroom, seeing the message then.
Also, the message was not sent as an emergency, but I think he felt it was his duty to be there to help his son sleep

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 10/12/2019 21:59

If religion is important to him why is he OLD, and dating a non religious person?

BoxtheRight · 10/12/2019 22:12

To answer your title question, OP, in my opinion it is a firm yes. I don't know of a single woman who hasn't felt the tingling concern of a red flag and went on to have a healthy and happy.

Religion is important for him, so that's something we talked about as well since I am.... just not. I'll be accused of cynicism, but this is him warning you that he'll expect you to toe the line, because of his religion.

The rest just does not ring true. Walking out of a date early? The classic 'my nasty ex has left me with issues' line. And the handholding thing gives me a chill. Projecting, perhaps, but my abusive ex did just that.

Original poster

butterflyFed · 13/12/2019 12:19

If religion is important to him why is he OLD
What is the relation between the two!?

We belong to the same faith, he is not trying to convert me. When I say important I meant it is part of his life: attends church, prays, etc and I don't.

We have been talking for 4 weeks now and have arranged our 3rd date for tomorrow So far, we keep having a small chat after work daily and he sends me a good morning message that makes my day. He has not said the word intimidated for a week and feels a bit more relaxed. I think he wants to talk about exclusivity tomorrow (he tried via text but I replied a bit silly, so he said we will talk in person).

There are still a lot of things to answer by myself, but I guess that is what we call getting to know someone. So far, good conversation, feeling comfortable and happy meeting/talking, not even remotely talking about sex (this is a new one!) but I hope there is a kiss in the third date

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 13/12/2019 16:20

Thats the sort of info it would have been useful to put in your OP.

Original poster

butterflyFed · 13/12/2019 22:21

@Thelnebriati the religion? I did not know before our first date, when I wrote the OP.

I got some bad news today and when I told him that I needed a hug, he called immediately and asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee. So we are improvising and meeting tonight (besides our date tomorrow).

OP posts:

BoxtheRight · 14/12/2019 18:49

I do hope it goes well, OP, but keep your guard up for a while, and don't ignore anything that your gut tells you is wrong.

Honeyroar · 14/12/2019 19:01

Yes it sounds to be ticking along, albeit slowly. Just keep your eyes open and your wits about you. See where it goes and get to know him (because you don’t yet no matter how many messages you share). Good luck. It sounds like it might be hopeful to me.

Original poster

butterflyFed · 07/01/2020 03:46

Sometimes is hard to trust, but we should not assume the worst as default. I met "Mike" about 2 months ago and some of the things I wondered are clear now.

He is indeed devoted to his son and definitely not married. We have chatted daily and although he is pretty restrained physically, he is the opposite when talking (i.e. said the L word around date 5-6 but we didn't kiss until date 7-8 and he is still shy!).

I felt pretty dissapointed when he cancelled a couple of dates due to his son/been tired and thought that he was not that into me (if a man wants to see you...). But then I decided to judge by myself and what I saw is that we live 2h apart. When I told him I needed a hug, he drove all the way to meet me. And on his own volition travelled all the way on a weekday for lunch (that ended been 20min long) because I was going to have my kids for 10 days and would not see him in that time. He also sent me a handwritten note and chocolates for Christmas .

I also don't think many men wait that long for a kiss. He is definitely not driven by hormones and his smile 😍 when he told me "it is funny how we are friends but we walk holdings hands" and I replied "we are not friends, and we need to talk about that".

So for the first time in four years I am going to give it a shot. No idea if it will work out or not, but I feel is worth trying.

OP posts:

Weffiepops · 07/01/2020 04:16

Good luck OP, sounds like the red flags aren't too bad, keep your wits about you

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