Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scammed on a dating site

85 replies

PermanentTemporary · 08/12/2019 11:20

Just wondered if anyone else had experienced this. I'm assuming most people are savvy enough not to actually send money - I was an idiot. But wondered if it had been tried out with you.

It happened on a site I wont name except to say that it rhymes with Bardian OldMates Grin

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 09/12/2019 09:04

I was watching a tv programme about this the other day and one of the detectives said that ANYONE can be a victim to these people because they are very skilled on preying on your vulnerabilities, and we will all have a time in our lives when we are suitably vulnerable. We should never condemn victims as being stupid or naive. These scams are often sophisticated factories involving multiple people.

I hope you managed to get your money back OP, and well done for speaking out about it so other people can learn from your experience.

Sexnotgender · 09/12/2019 09:07

Totally true @Isleepinahedgefund

One of the most callous scams I saw was scammers preying on widows (very common).

They obviously trawled the obituaries and contacted recently bereaved women to say their late husband had an insurance policy and to release the funds they had to transfer x amount, usually in the thousands.

I don’t know how these people sleep at night.

venusandmars · 09/12/2019 09:12

A friend of mine was affected by this. When she was berating herself for being 'so stupid' I reminded her of what they had done, mirroring back her own interests, passions, values, experiences. Essentially she had fallen in love with herself

Daisydoola · 09/12/2019 09:24

I'm sorry this happened to you, hopefully someone else will see it and it'll make them think twice.

Also, your dad dying might have clouded your judgement. Grief does strange things to people Thanks

CousinKrispy · 09/12/2019 09:26

I'm sorry this happened to you. You are very brave to share it, thank you for speaking up to help others.

Some people are such shits.

asIlayfrying · 09/12/2019 09:35

I'm sorry about your Dad, and yes I agree with the bank it may have affected your judgement. Glad you got your money back.

don't beat yourself up, I've been scammed before, you get put on the spot and they can be so persuasive and persistent that you fall for it - live and learn. good on you for warning others.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/12/2019 10:09

Don't feel stupid. I've two friends who've come very very close (three, now i come to think of it) to falling for this sort of thing - all of them professional, intelligent women who would never have thought they'd be scammed, or were able to be scammed.

These people use psychological tricks to 'get inside your head'. And then, once you've sent some money and the story has changed, there's a kind of cognitive dissonance that sets up, where it's almost like you can't admit even to yourself that you've fallen for a scam, so get dragged in deeper.

It's not your fault. They are very, very clever at what they do. And warning other people by using your example is very brave of you. I'm sorry your life path has led you here and hope that your future is brighter and less full of twats.

Quineothebroch · 09/12/2019 10:36

Dd is involved in this - refuses to believe that her "man" is a scammer.

  1. If he is in the miltary get him to send a photo in uniform - check the markings on the uniform with army/NAvy etc websites.
  2. Military personnel in all first word countriess get paid direct to their banks - if overseas they get a lot of travel warrants - the do not need you to pay their flights to anywhere.
  3. Mobile phones do not "just break".
if unsure get hom to take a photo whilst on line with him. Right Now. see 3 above.
  1. You cannot be married if you say "I do" on line - not in any culture or country.
  2. The West /East Africans who do this believe they are getting back at the colonial countries by doing this - "dumb infidel" and they "know" the UK/US governent reeimburse victims - baloney of course.
  3. If you can do a check photo on a search engine, you may be able to see the genuine man whose photos have been stolen.
  4. As DH says dont trust handsome, ripped, Generals - ugly, fat leading seamen are IT!
user1479305498 · 09/12/2019 11:41

And it’s very important to remember not all scammers are African online ruses etc. There are plenty who do actually present in real life, thing if Dirty John or the areshole who killed that poor successful author in Herts . Any woman who has plenty to lose shouldn’t feel guilty these days for delving into backgrounds, calling supposed workplaces etc in order to protect themselves themselves.

DorothyParkersCat · 09/12/2019 11:43

6. If you can do a check photo on a search engine, you may be able to see the genuine man whose photos have been stolen.

@Quineofthebroch I would totally agree with this and especially for photos of men in the military. I stopped OLD but when I did I once had a guy whose profile photo was a very handsome silver fox looking type in an obviously high ranking military uniform.

I reverse searched it because I actually thought he was too good looking to be in the military and thought it was probably a photo stolen from an actor. There was a lot of gold braid and medals as I recall.

Turned out to be a genuine high ranking military man but obviously a scam stolen photo because the real man in the photo was like a 5 star general in the USA or something. As well he'd won every possible bravery award going and his bio was accessible once you knew who he was married with children.

Always reverse image search.

It's very common for men to take photos from older male models and actors in the USA. I always used to email the agents to tell them if I could get their details because it annoyed me so much as a form of abusive identity fraud.

If someone looks really good looking it's usually a warning sign that they are so out of the realm of normal good looks that you see in day to day life, that they actually make their living out of how they look. A man whose looks take your breath away is probably a fake photo stolen from a model or an actor.

hazelcarnell · 09/12/2019 12:51

I too was nearly scammed on dating site! Said he needed extra money to get diamonds out of country needed certification document. All the same schmoozing tactics, however I just knew it was too good to be true, gut reaction kicked in for me. I so wanted to believe it too he was beautiful looking, intelligent etc - I reported him to fraud squad, also told him to take down his profile in so many words!!!! Just makes me wonder how much money he has amassed from other ladies....sad state of affairs these sites. If it sounds too good to be true then it is, especially when asked for money ladies...take heed!

RantyAnty · 09/12/2019 13:26

Had a friend who was scammed out of 5000 I think. Same scenario where they were stuck somewhere and couldn't leave without paying a fee.

Also know 2 people who fell for the long game types of scammer.
They were real but wanted citizenship to their country.
One of them married her and she left him right when she was able to stay permanently. Made up abuse charges on him. He lost his house and thousands

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 13:51

I had one of these. He had photos (a few of them, one with two children), of an American military guy (goodlooking chap). First red flag was that he was American, working for the British Army (even I know that doesn't happen) somewhere far away (think he said he couldn't tell me where or something).
Anyway, I immediately suspected something and his English wasn't 100%. I speak a few different languages and you get wise to incorrect translation - namely literal translation rather than correct translation.
Another red flag was that if I messaged, he responded almost immediately.
Anyway, the story was he was a widow and had two children in boarding school in the UK.
It took him only 2 days to ask for money! Because I knew it was a scam, I was playing along with him, so he probably thought I was hooked.
2 days after first contact, apparently the rebels had control of the army base and the army couldn't give them food/money.
I really played along at this stage. How sad it was. I in fact suggested sending money to him. Well I couldn't believe it. He didn't even have the patience to play the long game but immediately jumped at the chance. He wanted the money sent via Western Union. I tried my best to get him to send me a postal address instead (told him I didn't trust Western Union). I asked how much he needed. I think he suggested 200 pounds or 'whatever you can afford'.

Dirty scumbag.

When I finally discovered I hadn't a chance of getting him to give me an address, I just blocked him.

These dudes work shifts, so that there's always someone there to respond to messages from their would-be victims. That's a major red flag there.

Winterdaysarehere · 09/12/2019 13:54

Mil lost over 100k...

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 13:55

I suspect the ones looking for small sums of money probably end up more successful as if you're asked for 2k, you're more likely to question the legitimacy, but a sum you could afford to lose, you might not question as much.

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 14:04

Jeez - how did she lose 100k? Poor woman! Was this a real-life scammer or just an online version?

userxx · 09/12/2019 14:06

@Winterdaysarehere - No way!!! How?

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 14:10

I remember watching a Dr. Phil programme about this. The poor woman still couldn't believe that it was all lies. He had to show her irrefutable proof that it was a scam and she still didn't believe it. By the end of the programme she did and was very upset. Obviously, she had not only lost money (thousands), but she had lost the 'man' she was in a relationship with too.

They're horrid nasty bastards. It's literally their day job. They're not lone operators - these are full-time jobs for these guys - often working shifts.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/12/2019 14:19

It happens in real life too. I watched a programme where a lovely, pretty, intelligent woman got involved with a man who pretended he was a solicitor but was really recently released from prison. He pretended he'd got them this huge house and persuaded her to give him money to do it up, when really he was out spending it...

It was horrifying. He was very personable too and clearly trading on his looks and charm.

SourAndSnippy · 09/12/2019 14:26

I'm glad you got your money back OP.

It be interesting to know exactly how much money these scammers make. I guess a lot of people are too embarrassed to admit to being defrauded.
My dad got ripped off by a company who cold called him about some shares. Not sure of all the details but he lost a few thousand. Shame he didn't mention it at the time as I'd have known it was a scam. Why would any legitimate company cold call someone with an unbelievable amazing deal.

If you are interested in how easy it is to scam people listen to the CryptoQueen on BBC radio.

WalkiesPlease · 09/12/2019 15:01

My DF has lost thousands and thousands on dating sites. He once had me and my sister messaging a woman while he was driving as she was "stranded in another country" and needed help. We started interrogating her and she turned nasty and aggressive. He sided with her, we didn't speak for months. He is a very kind, thoughtful and intelligent man, but he is so very lonely. I know it still happens now but I can't bring myself to get involved again for fear of jeopardising our relationship. It breaks my heart. He even had one woman who turned up on his doorstep on my 21st birthday and tried to get him to marry her so she could have a green card. He knows what's happening but deep down I think he just wants someone to be with.

Winterdaysarehere · 09/12/2019 16:00

Mil actually married a scammer after taking out an 80k loan for him to build them a house abroad....
Rest she lost was travelling to see him /other expenses etc...

Sandals19 · 09/12/2019 16:40

(told him I didn't trust Western Union).

There are people who take the piss out of these guys (and girls obviously) on YouTube.

One told him she'd transferred the money he'd asked for and when he said he was at the WU office and it wasn't there, said "oh shit, no, is it Western Union?! I sent it via Eastern Union!". How do I undo that, does eastern Union become Western Union on the way back, could you still get it?". Of course he was v frustrated etc and kept trying til it was beyond patently clear she was messing him about and he dropped out of contact. It's petty but it was funny to see them get some shit back.

Dr Phil (I think).did a show kn one if the most used photos by online scammers - of a believably attractive American man in the military in his early 40s maybe. Asked him why he thought his pic was used so much and he said (modestly leaving out that he's quite attractive & masculine) that it's probably because he's smiling in all his pics .. and that was because his mother was do concerned about him being in the gulf during conflict that he smiled and tried to look happy in every photo to reassure her.

Sandals19 · 09/12/2019 16:41

*so

Sandals19 · 09/12/2019 16:42

There really should be more warnings/advertising/coverage of it so more vulnerable people can recognise the lines, techniques etc.