Wife wants to separate after Xmas

[Jimbob0]

Please excuse the rambling style this is written in but I’m barely holding my emotions in check whilst writing this.

For the majority of our 15 year (10 married) relationship my wife has struggled mentally and was diagnosed about 2 years ago as suffering from an anxiety disorder. We both worked really hard to get her out of the horrible place she was in and over the last 2 years she has made great strides with both her mental and physical health (over 4 stone lost!) by talking more about her feelings, eating better and exercising regularly. Unfortunately the communication about her feelings dropped off over the last year and she has withdrawn herself from me which seems to coincide with a long period where we haven’t had sex; initially because she broke her arm but then due to neither of us really trying. At first I made some small efforts to hug and kiss her but after weeks of rejections and, at times, open hostility I couldn’t keep doing it.

Six months ago she said she wasn’t happy so we talked about what we could do to improve our relationship. She seemed fairly disinterested in the discussion and told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to fix it. I replied that she needed to work out what she wanted and let me know because if her heart wasn’t in it then there wasn’t much point in carrying on. I realise in hindsight that may have been a good time to redouble my efforts to make her feel wanted but I missed it at the time.

She told me three weeks ago she wanted a separation. We have two kids (7 & 9) and I
can’t believe she has made this decision to split up our family without trying to save it!

Since her decision she has been a lot nicer to me and we have discussed how things are going to work after we split (50/50 childcare, separation of finances/mortgage, etc.). She has arranged to rent a house just down the road for the next 6 months so that we can “still be friends” and do what is best for the children which sounds reasonable. I have agreed to grin and bear it through Xmas at her parents and then we will tell the kids afterwards when she moves out.

However, I found out the other day she has met another man and has been out on a date with him. She swears she didn’t meet him until after she told me she wanted out but the speed at which their relationship is going (found sexy lingerie in the spare room she now lives in) makes me doubt her.

So, I am now dealing with the break up of my marriage, having to act out the charade that everything is ok and worrying that she has been lying to me about her other relationship(s?); all over the most family-oriented time of the year!

I’m losing my wife, my best friend and the person that I relied on to always be there for me and I feel utterly empty and lost. I don’t even really recognise her anymore as the woman I married - she seems so wrapped up in what she wants without really considering the implications.

Added issue; she went out tonight for her work Xmas do and looked absolutely stunning which really hit me hard.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like you’ve both had a tough time of it. Unfortunately if she has decided to leave there is very little you can do about it.

Focus on getting through Christmas and making sure your children are ok. Good luck.

Oh gosh, that good luck looks kind of sarky. That’s not how it was intended!

So sorry to hear this. Break ups are always hard. It really sounds like you've done everything you can to support and love her. I honestly think you were more than entitled to ask her to figure out what she wanted and you couldn't have handled it any better.

It wasn't from a lack of trying on your part and you can't blame yourself for this. Personally, it sounds like she thinks the grass is greener on the other side and given time and space she will realise what she's giving up. It might also do you some good to figure out what you want and whether you can be with someone who, in a nutshell, has taken your love for granted.

You've said a lot about what she wants. Accepting your marriage is over, what do you want? How do you want to manage the split?

I think your wife is awful to expect you to go through a Christmas charade whilst she's exploring new pastures. The least she could do is wait, not rub your face in it.

I’d bet this man was the catalyst for her leaving.

You may not agree, but you’re better off without her in the long run

@puds11
Don’t worry, I took the good luck message as a genuine comment. Thank you.

@displaypurposesonly
When I found out she was seeing this new guy I said that it was far too soon for me to deal with and she needed to stop dating him until she moved out. She agreed and so far (as far as I know anyway) she has kept to that deal. It did accelerate her sorting out somewhere for her to move to so she seems as if she’s very much into him ☹️. She’s even discussed with me plans for him to meet the kids 6+months down the line if they are still in a stable relationship. Obviously I’ve said he’s not meeting them until I’ve vetted him first (not that I can enforce that).

What do I want? Initially I wanted to sort out our issues and keep my family together. Unfortunately she doesn’t want any of that and, to be honest, I’m not sure it would be a good idea to have her back if she asked anyway. My focus is minimising the impact on the children and if that means I have to bite my tongue in order for it to be an ‘amicable’ split so it makes it easier for them then that’s what it shall be. It does seem like she wants to keep all the bits of our relationship that work, ie the friend bits, and replace the bits that didn’t which does make me feel that by being amicable for the kids she is getting both her cake and eating it.

Thank you all for your messages of support and advice. It’s amazing how less alone it can make me feel.

Sorry this is happening to you.
She's had longer to adjust to the idea, probably been pondering it for a while, which is partly why it feels harder for you.
Probably will work better for you with her moving out -- less of a change for you, and your parenting role.
Do try to keep things businesslike and amicable.

So sorry that you’re going through this. I really think that you deserve better!

"Obviously I’ve said he’s not meeting them until I’ve vetted him first (not that I can enforce that)."

Excuse me, you don't get to dictate any part of this.

I could have been your wife a year ago, down to my H saying he wanted to fix it and me saying I didn't want to: big clue right there, there was nothing left to fix because 50% of the partnership didn't want it fixing, they wanted out, you just didn't get the message. I had checked out long before, we had had discussions which were very clear that a potential split was on the cards and my H chose to try and carry on like normal. It drove me mad.

In the end I did have to be the one to end it as it was clear he would have kept plodding along in a relationship that was dead.

It's her decision. She doesn't have to try and fix something for the sake of the family . Staying in an unhappy relationship will not do your children any good. She has the right to leave however much you are hurting. See this as a time to reassess your life because whether you like it or not, it's going to change.

Sorry you're going through this.
Don't expect too much of yourself- You're going through a really hard time with lots of emotions flying around and probably some unanswered questions. Putting on a brave face until after xmas for the kids will be hard. Take some time for yourself, you're allowed to be feeling angry / upset/ however you feel.

Fuck going to her parents for Xmas, seriously op this woman is cheating on you why are you helping her pretend she’s not to her parents?

This is utterly shit and I’m really sorry you’re going through it.

I'm not sure if it will work for you atm being friends. I think that would be really painful for you until you've had time to grieve and move on in your own time. Of course, it's perfectly possible and desirable to be civilised and pleasant to each other, however, without being friends.

I agree with PPs your OP is all about how you have worked together to make her life better but you seem to be lost in this. What about your needs. You even say you need her to work our what she wanted, without even considering what you might want.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go through Christmas with this pretence. I'd find that really hard too. I think I'd have to spend time away from the house once the kids are in bed.

Have you got any friends or family you could talk to about what your going through. It seems like an awful lot to go through on your own. Failing that, would you consider talking to a counsellor to sort through your feelings, so you can face what's going on better.

Good luck OP

Your wife doesn’t get to decide when you tell people. You need support and should reach out to family now and tell them what’s going on.
She’s cheating on you so she should have the guts to tell her parents before Xmas.
I think you should do what’s best for your mental health.

@MsNobodyHere
Maybe that was clumsy wording on my part possibly due to struggling to get my feelings down in coherent sentences. As I said my wife and I have discussed her new man and I said I’d like to meet him prior to him meeting the kids which she agreed to (we also agreed that would be the procedure if I meet anyone). I appreciate I have no right to stop her introducing him to them but given that we are both trying to make this as amicable as possible for the sake of the children it makes sense that we are both going to have to consider the others feelings on such matters.

Obviously you went through something similar and empathise more with my wife’s position which is understandable. She has every right to feel how she does, however by the same logic so do I and maybe, like my wife and I have we can agree to disagree on that point.

Golly Xmas at her parents is an unreasonable ask given the situation, can you not stay at home?

Not on moving on so quickly but if she has been depressed and then come through, lost lots of weight, it sounds like she decided on a new her and a new life. This is very hurtful to you when you have supported her through her dark tines but is quite common when people lose a lot of weight. It gives them confidence to do something that they didn’t feel able to before. Maybe she has been wanting to leave for a long time.

This will be a tough Xmas but try and enjoy your children as much as possible on the day.

@Greenwingmemories & @Frenchw1fe
There are a few people who already know and are under strict instruction not to say anything. I have my mother and sister to rely on and have booked an appointment with my GP to investigate counselling.

I’m sure the details of when her new relationship started will come out once it is common knowledge and that won’t reflect well on her. Ultimately there’s nothing to be gained by bad-mouthing her to friends and family as a) I can’t prove anything; and b) as I’ve previously said, my focus is now on the welfare of my kids and myself.

You need to do what is best for you and your children now. If that means following her timetable for now so be it. My advice is to get legal advice asap. You may be able to get ahead of her on that one if you act now.

I personally suspect that this man has been on the scene for some time possibly from the point that she was 'unhappy' as it follows the script. She may realise that it isn't all roses but she had already made her decision about you. Don't be a second choice.

As you can seen on here most people are decent but you will get the odd angry response because you are a man.

Win her over again! Make her fall in love with you how you did years ago.
Compliments, flowers, romantic dinner, gentle sexy touch, pretend she is a new woman and it's your first date. After years of relationship people loose fire and intrigue, they know each other too much.
You need to interest her again. That new guys might be not what she needs and she will realize it once she gets to know him all. But because he is new, it excites her. Change the way you talk/dress/act. Become this new guy for her and she will get interested again.

@MsNobodyHere but it’s his wife who wants to carry on as normal not the OP! She’s the one dictating everything and to hell with OP and his reactions or feelings!
She should have kept her bloody pants on till she moves out!

I don’t agree that you should change your behaviour ,how you dress and do the ‘pick me ‘dance .
I m
So sorry this is happening, especially at this time of year .

You sound really nice. It's all been about her so far hasn't it.
Whatever you decide to do re xmas, it's not so far away now and you'll get through it.
She's not behaved well at all has she.
All you can reasonably do is focus on the kids and look after yourself too. It's good shes moving out soon.

Win her over again! Make her fall in love with you how you did years ago. Compliments, flowers, romantic dinner, gentle sexy touch, pretend she is a new woman

Are you mad? This woman has cheated on him. Fuck that.

And fuck her ideas about how she wants Christmas. She's made her choice, let her face the results of that.

Sorry to read what you've been going through. :(

Sounds to me, you did everything to support her. I wouldn't be surprised if following her 4 stone weight loss she started to get more male attention and her head was clearly turned.