Wife wants to separate after Xmas

[Jimbob0]

Please excuse the rambling style this is written in but I’m barely holding my emotions in check whilst writing this.

For the majority of our 15 year (10 married) relationship my wife has struggled mentally and was diagnosed about 2 years ago as suffering from an anxiety disorder. We both worked really hard to get her out of the horrible place she was in and over the last 2 years she has made great strides with both her mental and physical health (over 4 stone lost!) by talking more about her feelings, eating better and exercising regularly. Unfortunately the communication about her feelings dropped off over the last year and she has withdrawn herself from me which seems to coincide with a long period where we haven’t had sex; initially because she broke her arm but then due to neither of us really trying. At first I made some small efforts to hug and kiss her but after weeks of rejections and, at times, open hostility I couldn’t keep doing it.

Six months ago she said she wasn’t happy so we talked about what we could do to improve our relationship. She seemed fairly disinterested in the discussion and told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to fix it. I replied that she needed to work out what she wanted and let me know because if her heart wasn’t in it then there wasn’t much point in carrying on. I realise in hindsight that may have been a good time to redouble my efforts to make her feel wanted but I missed it at the time.

She told me three weeks ago she wanted a separation. We have two kids (7 & 9) and I
can’t believe she has made this decision to split up our family without trying to save it!

So sorry OP. Like you, I don't understand people who don't give a functioning marriage their very best shot if children are involved. You sound like you have been supportive of her and it's a shame she doesn't appreciate how valuable that is.

Right now, all you can do is stay on the best terms you can muster so the children don't get caught in any crossfire. And start rebuilding a life for yourself. Bear in mind that you haven't chosen to leave the marriage, so don't get pushed around wrt who stays in the family home or who has custody.

I agree with the previous posters, her head has been turned now she looks and feels fitter. She has been having an affair for a while.

You don’t need to pretend that she hasn’t. But I agree that you need to focus on DC and so maybe seeing through Christmas plans would be worth doing.

I would call her parents in advance and put them in the picture, though.

I'd put her parents in the picture too, be prepared for them to side with her on the surface she's still their daughter but it could lessen the pressure on you to act as if all ok, you could at least let the facade slip when the kids aren't around.

She's behaved appallingly and her expectations on you are really unfair.

I agree with pp I suspect this man has been on the scene far longer than she claiming - classic cheaters script

' Not been happy for ages'

Improved appearance

Changed behaviour

'Ending' your relationship 'officially' before 'starting' her relationship with him - touch of the bill clinton possibly in not having intercourse until things 'official' but doing other stuff

Don't do the pick me dance, while you are a man I imagine something like chumplady would still be useful to you.

And yes get legal advice ASAP.

Yes try to keep things civil for the children but equally don't be made a mug of by her as far as they're concerned, it will suit her for you to be the villain of the piece - whatever she's telling you!

You're no longer together therefore she is no longer an ally or friend.

Don't tell her anything she could use against you, caution is key now.

@Graphista yep this feels the way it all is

Thinking of you. Sorry to hear she wants the facade of Christmas with her family

Definitely let her face the consequences of her actions.

Also, you are entitled to have a view on how appropriate it is for her to be introducing children to any new partners. You are only looking out for the best interests of the children. You acknowledge that you can’t do anything about it formally.

She has been cheating on you for ages and planning her exit. She has probably fucked him countless times (I think crude language makes the point here) while you have been supporting her. At your age the sexy lingerie is not there for snogging!

She does not get to dictate terms. Tell her parents what she has been up to and plan a Christmas for you and your children that you can have happy memories of, without her. Split the day or do it on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

You might as well tell the children sooner rather than later. It will be horrible for them but January and school is possibly a worse time, and you can plan some lovely outings over the holidays to distract them.

Then see a good divorce lawyer and serve her a letter as soon as you can, and certainly before she can pre empt you.

You have already lost her, don’t lose your self respect into the bargain.

Sorry I agree with larrygrylls, your wife has been unfaithful a lot longer then she admitting too.

I’m not going to try and win her back by being an alternative me. After 15 years she knows what I am like and that is probably why she thinks she can take advantage of my love for the kids (and her) and manipulate me into doing things all her way. As an attempt to not paint her as a complete bastard she was the one who said I needed to talk to my family and let them know so I had some support.

It’s interesting reading the variety of opinions in your replies and somewhat reflects the contrasting emotions in me whether to tell people the truth or keep to what we’ve already agreed about Xmas. I don’t really want to start telling anyone else until the kids know as the last thing I want is for them to hear it second hand - it’s best coming from me and my wife together. Obviously that then puts me in the position of having to put a brave face on over xmas which isn’t good for my mental health.

With regards to legal & financial advice I have already had a meeting at the bank about getting rid of her from the mortgage and house deeds and have identified a local solicitor who I will be contacting tomorrow.

Anyway, on with another day. The dog (another concession by me to help her mental health) needs walking and then breakfasts all round for dog, kids and me whilst she lies in after her work Xmas night out.

Thank you all for reading and commenting. When I posted I didn’t know what kind of response I’d get but it’s nice to have some support. It also seems as if the writing of these posts is cathartic in itself so I shall continue to update you all (whether you want it or not 😉)

Have a good day all.

In these circumstances I'd keep quiet about the separation until you've spoken to your children. For me, they would be my focus for now in terms of how to 'behave' and working out the basics of the separation that they will need to know.

Take the time to work out what it is you would like the best possible outcome to be. What compromises might you have to make and how 'far' can you go with that. What are the realities of sharing childcare with jobs, etc. taken into account. How do you want to run the finances? How do you imagine the co-parenting will work?

So sorry to hear this is happening to you OP, and a really shit time of year to spring it on you. From your side of the story, I do not have much respect for how she has treated her marriage and family life, although I realise she will have her side of story and her view.

You’ve been supportive through extremely taxing times with children at that age, she seems to have emerged new and shiny and you’re not part of that anymore. I don’t believe that is what you deserve, but life is often unkind and unfair. She sounds selfish.

I’d turn on the frozen 2 playlist up loud and do the hoovering while spinning a few loads of laundry this morning.

Your children will survive this, they will need time to adjust and plenty of opportunities to ask questions, but you are there to help them with their new vulnerabilities and other feelings. I believe you will survive this and also find it a relief that she hasn’t strung you out for much longer, as some people might have done. Know that you’ve done your best and definitely pulled your weight. Mourn what you once had, but do not mourn what you could have had, because she has well and truly checked out and you would not have had anything decent had you tried to force a reconciliation. Be strong about the split and the arrangements and get a very good lawyer. Do not give in to any conditions that are unfair on you - you have done nothing wrong.

I hope karma bites them on their arses and I hope you have wonderful and better things coming your way. After all, when a cheating spouse f**ks off, a vacancy is created.

Poor you Msnobodyhere, sounds like a terrible hardship having to be the one to end a relationship you yourself didn't want to be in anymore. I suppose your life could be so much easier if those around you just unquestionably bowed to your will and took responsibility for your own decisions, your ex sounds like a right bastard for being the other '50%' and not doing that. One imagines his life may be better for it now though.

As for the OP, he may not be able to 'dictate' many aspects of his family's future but some say in it he will indeed have. He did allude to this fact himself if you read his comment fully.

@Gatehouse77
That’s pretty much what I’ve concluded. She is going to be in my life for at least another decade so practical solutions need to be the focus at the moment.

@Twigglepuff
I think I’ll stick with the original Frozen soundtrack which is by far my favourite of the two 😉

Just read your thread Op - so sorry to hear what you're going through. No matter what's gone on, it is sad when a marriage breaks down, especially when there are young children involved.

I think you're doing the right thing - be civil and amicable (as much as possible) as that will be best for the kids but don't let her walk all over you. You need to be aware of your own mental health and what you can and can't put up with. If going to her parents takes the pretence a step too far, then insist on staying home with the kids for Christmas.

Good luck with it all

Big update.

I talked to her this morning about how I was struggling to carry on as if everything was normal and we decided to tell the kids. We sat them down and explained what was going to happen, that we would still do some things all together and that it wasn’t in any way their fault. Our eldest seemed really detached but she has close friends whose parents are separated so she may think it’s more normal. Our youngest cried which broke my heart but after some reassurance he was a bit better. Obviously we’ve told them that if they want to talk about it or have any questions then we are here for them.

Again I’m emotionally conflicted as I’m glad, relieved even, that we’ve told them but in doing so it has made it a bit more real and the part of me that wants to hold on to what we had is now hurting even more.

We are going to tell her parents this afternoon so the cat will be truly out of the bag then. I shall have to see how they react before making a decision over how realistic the current Xmas plans are.

Why are you taking her name off the mortgage?

@Jimbob0 that must have been really really hard but I think better than trying to keep up a facade throughout Christmas

Sadly you will hurt for a long time still, nothing will really help with that other than time. It sounds like you are both thinking of your DC which is the most important thing

I know it doesn’t seem like it but you will get through this xxx

The usual advice to a woman in your situation is to safeguard her assets, and I don't see why it should be different for a man.

So, if you've had sex since her behaviour started to change, get an STD test. See a solicitor asap and find out what you need to do to make sure she isn't running up debts in joint names (fancy undies, nice restaurants and lovely hotels aren't cheap). Notify the bank, freeze accounts so she can't strip them. Find out what a fair split of marital assets would be and start the divorce process. Figure out if either of you can afford to stay in the family house and who will be resident parent, sort out child benefit/tax credits/mortgage/house sale etc accordingly. You don't need to be adversarial (although be prepared for it to go there once she isn't calling the shots) but do not try to be friendly because friends don't cheat and lie so she isn't your friend.

Hope for the best - I'd aim for a courteous distant relationship in the future, given your history and the fact that you have children together - and prepare for the worst - that she will act as selfishly as she appears be doing now, expecting you to do what's best for her. From now on, it's you and the children that you have to look after.

No advise but sorry

@Fairenuff
She only works part time so cannot afford to take on the family home. I had a meeting with the bank to discuss the possibility of buying out her half of the equity and remortgaging in just my name once she moved out. We both think it is important we try to minimise the disruption to the children and this is a large part of that.

@ThatLibraryMiss
I have been advised to get rid of all joint financial commitments to protect myself in case she struggles financially. Basically she’s going to have to learn to be financially independent. I have no doubt that she will expect me to make financial allowances for her once she realised how financially unviable her decision is (unless she has money squirrelled away which I wouldn’t put past her given she’s obviously been planning this for a while) which is why I want all financial commitments and agreements in a legal document (consent order?) so that she can be held to them.

WRT the STD comment I don’t think it is likely as I said in my original post we haven’t had sex in over a year now. I shall enquire when I visit my GP anyway just for peace of mind.

If custody is genuinely 50/50 then presumably neither of you will have to pay maintenance for the children. As your ex was working part time, she probably did more childcare. How are you going to mange the school run, etc? This is not a time for being 'nice' and making things easy for her. You need to work out what you need and start negotiations from there otherwise you will lose out.

OP, it may be too soon to hear this but something very similar happened to a friend of mine. His wife just walked out and ran off with another man when DC were young. He is a lovely man, handsome, intelligent, very witty, good job. I was baffled. But he is now married to another woman who adore shim and they are expecting their first child.

It's interesting, for almost five years I was going out with a partner with severe anxiety in my early 20s, we lived together but no kids. When he finally started making some real progress with his mental health, he also really checked out of our relationship and instead started I guess an emotional affair with another woman. When I talked to him about it I concluded that he'd just essentially ended up associating our relationship with the worst times of his anxiety and now he was feeling better he wanted a shiny new relationship to match.

He had some very bizarre, demonstrably untrue ideas about why he wanted out of our relationship For instance, one example he gave was that I was more of a staying-at-home sort of person whereas now he was mentally healthier, he wanted to go out and party more. Then when I pointed out that I did go out to parties, but he had never wanted to go due to his anxiety and that I'd love to go out more, he moved on to saying that the kind of parties/people I hung out with just weren't his kind of thing. I had to point out that I had met the other woman before he did, at a party he hadn't wanted to go to!

Ultimately he was in a very mixed up place and in some ways it was almost like he was drunk on having so much less anxiety. I don't know if the same is true of your wife but it does sound similar i.e. chasing a new relationship, wanting to be a new person, sort out a new house very quickly, perhaps being unrealistic about money - essentially creating a new "better" identity. If that is the case there's not much you can do. I do think at the time I was too nice - I was so busy trying to do the right thing and support him as he needed (again he very much wanted to stay friends and still have a lot of contact at first) that actually I wasn't looking after myself. Put yourself and the kids first, and her second.

Hope for the best - I'd aim for a courteous distant relationship in the future, given your history and the fact that you have children together - and prepare for the worst - that she will act as selfishly as she appears be doing now, expecting you to do what's best for her. From now on, it's you and the children that you have to look after.

This. Don't be a pushover, giving her everything she asks for. You have to concentrate on what the children need.

@Jimbob0 you sound absolutely lovely

It must be so hard but keep going on your current course You are dealing with it beautifully on the outside at least ( si glad you are sorting legal Financial side and looking to get counselling set up)

hope the talk with her parents go well

Just one foot in front of the other one task at a time that’s all you can do right now

I really admire the way you have handled this situation.