Wife wants to separate after Xmas

[Jimbob0]

Please excuse the rambling style this is written in but I’m barely holding my emotions in check whilst writing this.

For the majority of our 15 year (10 married) relationship my wife has struggled mentally and was diagnosed about 2 years ago as suffering from an anxiety disorder. We both worked really hard to get her out of the horrible place she was in and over the last 2 years she has made great strides with both her mental and physical health (over 4 stone lost!) by talking more about her feelings, eating better and exercising regularly. Unfortunately the communication about her feelings dropped off over the last year and she has withdrawn herself from me which seems to coincide with a long period where we haven’t had sex; initially because she broke her arm but then due to neither of us really trying. At first I made some small efforts to hug and kiss her but after weeks of rejections and, at times, open hostility I couldn’t keep doing it.

Six months ago she said she wasn’t happy so we talked about what we could do to improve our relationship. She seemed fairly disinterested in the discussion and told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to fix it. I replied that she needed to work out what she wanted and let me know because if her heart wasn’t in it then there wasn’t much point in carrying on. I realise in hindsight that may have been a good time to redouble my efforts to make her feel wanted but I missed it at the time.

She told me three weeks ago she wanted a separation. We have two kids (7 & 9) and I
can’t believe she has made this decision to split up our family without trying to save it!

Before you buy her out, do you need to get the house valued? I ask because presumably she owns a percentage, which will be of current value?

@IndecentFeminist
A new house valuation is indeed required and has gone on the to-do list along with what seems like a million other things! As far as I understand, and please correct me if I’m wrong, the equity will be the new house price minus the outstanding mortgage. She knows I can’t stump up that kind of cash straight away but I’ve promised her a lump sum to start her off and then a monthly repayment until it is cleared. Although I may not have painted the best of picture of my wife she isn’t (normally) an unreasonable person.

@Newmumma83 & @SuperbMonkey
Aw shucks guys, you say the nicest things 😊

How did telling her parents go?

@Hopoindown31
Thanks for asking. It was painful but not as bad as telling the kids. Her mum knew something was up earlier in the week but her dad was completely knocked for 6 by it. They were given the party line of “growing apart” and were very understanding and supportive. I’ve even had an offer of help with the laundry and ironing from her mum which was very sweet.

I’ve just spoken to her dad on the phone and he asked if there was anybody else involved in the decision and I had to tell him no which was hard. Maybe the details will all come out in time but now is not the right time for that information to be common knowledge (except for you fine folks on Mumsnet). Since I lost my dad 8 years ago he’s been the closest I’ve got and the phone call ended with us both in tears 😭

Wife was really upset this evening that her mum thought that she had the easier half of the arrangement (I think at that point in the conversation my mother in law thought my wife wasn’t going to provide any childcare!). I wanted to turn around and say “what did you expect?” but bottled it as I can’t deal with an argument after the day I’ve had. I’m going to have to get better at standing up for myself it seems 🙁

I don't think you should have lied to her parents. Why on earth did you do that? You should have said she's been seeing someone.

@Fairenuff
I didn’t call out her cheating on three counts:

1. I have no conclusive proof, just circumstantial. It might seem likely, maybe even pretty much certain but if I say she cheated on me and she says she didn’t (which is what she would do if she’s guilty or not) who are they going to believe? Me or their daughter? I still need their assistance with the kids so I certainly don’t want to burn my bridges by making enemies of people who have shown me nothing but kindness.

2. I still haven’t “protected my assets” legally therefore I don’t want to antagonise my wife because that process will be both longer and costlier with a vengeful wife.

3. this one is the most important. Remember: I’m thinking long game here for what is best for me and the kids. To me she might be untrustworthy but to my kids she is still ‘mum’ who they love unequivocally. I don’t want to make them suffer hearing nasty things about their mother.

You may think I am making a mistake (and in time you may be proved right) but I have to live with my decisions and who they affect so I have to do what I think is right at the time.

@Fairenuff
I’ve just reread your comment and realised you are talking about seeing someone since we agreed on splitting. My apologies for not reading it properly. Points 2 & 3 still stand though.

I don't think you should say anything in front of the children but I do think that when asked if there is anyone else involved you should have said she was seeing someone but has told you that she won't see them again until after she moves out. This is true and it's not blaming anyone, just stating the facts. Her parents will draw their own conclusions.

You don't need to keep her sweet or keep her onside. And you should not rely on her parents for childcare as that could all change. I think you need to toughen up a bit although I appreciate this is all a bit new and raw.

I also think that when reality hits her she will try and get everything she can from you so you should be prepared to stand your ground.

Her parents may change towards you as regardless of what has or will happen, she is their daughter and their loyalties will always lie with her.

I agree it was a mistake to lie for her. You wouldn't have been wrong to say you weren't entirely sure or had your suspicions

But I also think you need to be wary of treating her parents as allies too

You may well be right. If I had seen the question coming and had time to think about it then maybe I would have answered it differently. As I said in an earlier post I will make mistakes during this separation as I try to process my emotions and come to terms with the changing situation. I have to accept that will be the case as much as I try to make the correct decisions.

Anyway, Monday morning we had a discussion about Xmas plans which turned into an argument about her expectations of us continuing to play at “happy family” plans being wrong and finished with her crying at the breakfast table while I left for work. The upshot is that I will be taking the kids down to my mums on the 24th coming back the evening of the 25th in preparation for the planned festivities at her parents on Boxing Day (my wife is working the 24th/25th). Although I felt bad about her crying I was a little bit proud that I stood up for what I wanted - a small victory but it’s a start!

Both kids have cried a couple of times about “mummy moving out” which has been very hard to see. I feel so guilty that they have to go through this hurt when they are completely innocent of any blame. All I can think to do to comfort them is to explain clearly what will happen, let them know that it is alright to feel sad or angry about it and that they can always come to either of us if they want to ask any questions or just want a hug.

Fairenuff : agree totally. OP, this woman has just shat all over you. Go and see a solicitor ASAP and look into applying for sold custody. You need to start looking out for your own interests and that of your children. She doesn't get a pussy pass on shitting on you and her own kids. Good luck.

Sole custody

I don't think OP wants sole custody.

Regarding the children. What they will really want to know is 'What will happen to me' because kids are like that.

So reassure them as much as you can about things that will stay the same. The same school, the same routine, the same clubs and activities, same bedroom, etc.

If you don't know what will happen about certain things be honest and tell them that you don't know yet but will let them know as soon as you do.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted on here and things have progressed. My wife has moved out and is in the process of removing all her stuff from the family home. I think realisation is starting to set in with her that things are not going to be as before and she can’t rely on me to do things for her (she’s got her new fella for that). I’ve had legal advice and am trying to organise property valuations for in the new year. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t buy her half of the house equity out so I’m going to have to sell up sometime soon which will be tough on the kids but will at least slow a fresh start away from all the memories.

This forum was very helpful to me the first few weeks of the separation as I processed the emotions of the situation and I really appreciate all the words of support and advice given. Now I’m on much more of an even keel I am going to post much less frequently as there is a lot to get done. Thanks to you all.

I hope you’ve got some real life support. How horribly difficult but I really admire how you’re dealing with this. Sadly sometimes people do just grow apart or sometimes a break up is much harder for one person than the other.
Try to keep doing what you’re doing for your kids. They need the support and reassurance of both of you.
It does get easier. It’s a cliche but it does. Focus on yourself now, it will take time but get to a point where you are happy and settled. Fill the time you don’t have your kids with positive things such as friends etc. Try not to be bitter, one day you’ll be happy again. I know it doesn’t feel like it now. Good luck to you.

You are dealing with this amazingly. You seem like a wonderful Dad putting the kids first. I hope you can start afresh and lead a happy life. Best wishes.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

The fact of the matter is that even though she may not have 'done' anything with the other man before deciding to split up, she almost certainly had made some sort of 'connection' with him which basically amounts to the same thing. She's leaving because she met someone else.

I wouldn't be playing her game and you need to now deal with her on your own terms, not hers.

Your wife sounds rather immature and my instinct is that she will live to regret this decision, which I think is probably largely about this other man, who may well turn out to be a non starter or a wrong un.

By which time hopefully you'll be way ahead and realise how much better you deserve.

I actually welled up a bit reading your post (I'm a bit of a soft twat like that), I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Horrible at any time of year but especially at Christmas. You sound like a really nice, decent man - what really shone through to me from all your posts was how, at every point, your main concern has been the children and trying to keep things 'normal' for them. Bless you.

Things will be hard for a while but honestly, children are more resilient than we think. You will all get through it. I think eventually you'll be happier without your wife, if this is what she's really like then she's done you a favour. I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas with your kids and your family x

However, I found out the other day she has met another man and has been out on a date with him. She swears she didn’t meet him until after she told me she wanted out

^She is lying.

MsNobodyHere

Ahh, same situation - so you were off fucking someone else too?