Has anyone every regretted ending their marriage?

[Macandcheeseplease]

Just that really. I seem to read lots of positive stories from people leaving unhappy relationships. But does anyone ever feel leaving and starting again was the wrong thing to do? I'm thinking relationships with no abuse or anything, just one person falling out of love with the other.

If you read your post back, where are you in this? It seems all about him and you are accepting blame for not trying hard enough. Sod that!

He screwed up big time and it will take more than 6 months to rebuild. Be aware there is often a delayed emotional response so at the time you may have been shocked and angry whereas now you feel drained and grief for the losses you experienced. You need to process those feelings and it will take time to rebuild trust.

If he is to recover he needs to fully understand that his actions had long lasting consequences because the hurt was deep. It is akin to open heart surgery so would he expect you to be healed and back to normal after 24 weeks?

Might be worth you exploring co-dependency because partners with addictions usually choose those who put their needs last.

Focus on you, dont let him change the agenda to put his needs above yours. Your feelings are valid and he needs to accept them, without feeling sorry for himself (which gives him justification to relapse into gambling).

Is he doing a program to stop gambling?

Yes.

I’m remarried now but the grass wasn’t greener and I miss my old life.

I was stupid.

Yes.

And I despair at how mumsnet relationships board encourages people to leave their partner.

@Shortfeet I've never seen any one be advised on the relationship to split up a marriage unless the relationship was horrible and/or abusive.
I think it wonderful how with the support from posters women trapped in mostly dreadful situations can see the situation they are in is not acceptable and hopefully they can find the resolve to leave.
It's not the 1950's anymore.

He thinks that I'm not putting any effort into making things right

You don't have to. He screwed up. He has to earn you back, FGS.
You're still with him. If that's not effort on your part, and he doesn't recognise it, then send him off.
He doesn't deserve you. You're giving him yet another chance and he's blaming you?
What effort exactly is he doing? It's a long road to regain trust and respect. 6 months is nothing.

My mum left because she fell out of love with my dad and moved on right away with a bar person and regrets every single day leaving my dad for an idiot who did nothing but abuse her...

Bad**

So far so good, I didn't end it, he did, but I'm now really happy and found an amazing man who likes me for what I am now rather than moaning that I'm different to 20 years ago.

It's difficult. My H has had some challenges, at certain points I've felt the same as you. We both got good therapy apart. DHs changed things a lot and broke down some of the problems. We're really getting there a year on. I'm glad we stuck it out. The trauma of it all has changed me, I feel. I'm hoping I can get back a sense of lightness when we have battled though current unrelated legal issues.

When we marry someone we love we’re taking things further than just love. We’re saying “I trust you with my life. I trust that, forever, you will not deliberately hurt me. I trust you to build a future with me”.
It’s not YOUR fault that you don’t trust him. Trust is earned. He broke your trust, over and over again. He lied, he hid things. He has to earn trust back and, if he thinks that 6 months of not gambling means that he should have achieved that, then he doesn’t understand what he broke. If he thinks you should have forgiven him by now then he is making light of what he did. He thinks the problem was his gambling which is an insultingly simple rendition of the issue. The problem is he broke your trust. You no longer believe him or believe in him.
It is impossible to forgive someone who has not truly apologised and, since he doesn’t appear to understand the damage he has done, he hasn’t apologised for it. How on Earth are you supposed to forgive someone who shows every sign of not being sorry?
He’s not entitled to your forgiveness. He earns it. Trust is rebuilt slowly over time. If he won’t accept that basic principle and agree to counselling, there is probably little you can do. You could limp along for a while but in the end your (justifiable) resentment at his failure to take responsibility for his actions will probably kill everything you ever liked about him (let alone loved).
TLDR- It’s not you, it’s him.

It happened to an ex friend, who dumped her DH after 20 years. She was remarried to a guy 10 years younger within 18 months.

The new guy binned her off when her sex drive dried up due to menopause and she kept trying to make a beeline for her ex DH. He was having none of it and is now with a lovely woman and they make a great couple.

My ex friend now is the most bitter person on the planet

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Lots of these replies really resonate with me. I think ultimately it's made me realise that perversely, he's the one that is currently feeling hard done by and that's not right.

I feel very sad, because I've always really valued the family unit. I wanted us to grow old together (happily) and provide a loving and comfortable life for our children. The fact that my life might not turn out like this makes me feel sick.

I think I am going to get some counselling just for myself. My head is all over the place and I need to sort out the feelings I have for my colleague as well, as this is definitely not helping the situation.

After that then we have to go for marriage counselling I think. My DH has agreed to this. But I do feel scared that counselling might just make things worse!

No advice as such OP but I’m in a very similar situation (no gambling but other issues that have caused resentment) so I just thought I’d say you’re not alone. I change my mind several times a day about what to do, stay or leave.... I’m going to get counselling for myself and try figure it out. It’s such a hard decision when there are children involved.

Would it help if you could give him concrete examples of things he could do to restore your trust and love? Can you think of anything that might help? I know it's a bit cringey, but something like a regular date night to get you back into the "coupley" way of acting? If babysitting is an issue you don't have to go out for date night - dress up a bit, put your phones away for an evening and cook a nice meal together.

@BlackSwanGreen he is sort of suggesting these things already. We've been out on a couple of 'date nights' but in all honesty they aren't helping restore my trust and love. I feel bad because he is trying to put the effort in. But it's just not really having the desired effect! I think it will take lots of time, rather than actions, to prove anything.

[Sigh]. How to manage a dick. This is what it boils down to.

I have to separate this out into emotional and financial.

You can't regret calling time on an emotional toddler having a temper tantrum at getting old (aka 'midlife crisis'. Stupid, selfish pricks)

You can't regret finally protecting yourself from the emotional abuse and the realisation that 'wimmin' are just replaceable and the most important thing in your world (family) is sacrificed to The Great God Penis & Ego Stroking.

But financially and long term? That is hard. Its really hard.

My income plummeted, I lost my legal protections and my home.

And now he no longer has That Awful Ball & Chain as an excuse? Soulmate #4 is pushing for Commitment. So the stupid fuck has done just that 'because I need to show commitment' (notice the deep love and connection?).

And she is young enough to have children.

What have I done, long term, to my children? I am not interested in a relationship. Maybe I should have sucked it up. The result is the same (separation, me alone, him shagging about somewhere else) but the legal and financial protection is gone.

Those are the bald facts. I have left out my heartbreak and the awful realisation that I had invested in someone who can't connect or sobbing for 7 years straight.

I just wonder what I could have done differently to protect my children.

Yes, I regret it. We could have sorted things out, but took the easy way out...didn't know what else to do. And I was stupid.

I think it will take lots of time, rather than actions, to prove anything.

I think that’s very wise. Have you said that to him? That he basically just needs to keep on being a decent person, not gambling and being a good husband and father, for quite a while without expecting you to forgive and forget straight away? I don’t think that’s a big ask, considering, and he should be willing to do that.

It must be truly awful for you OP.
I wonder how many times a day you consciously or subconsciously question when/if he will relapse and do it again.
A mumsnet saying is when there's no trust there is only dust.
It seems he wants you to snap out of it and trust him, but realistically you will probably never trust him again.

@MaeveDidIt maybe it's a subconscious thing but I sort of feel apathetic about everything. I don't think I would care if he gambled again (even though I would really, totally aware that doesn't make a great deal of sense). It's like I feel numb to everything- numb to the risk of him gambling again, but also numb to any efforts he is making to put things right.

I think you are in self preservation mode and haven't got angry yet. I think you need to consider where your "red lines are" what would be your dealbreakers and then have those as your boundaries. I 'd also think long and hard about what the relationship you want might look like and what it might take to start towards that.

I think time is a healer but for most people I've known in similar situations the the addict/cheater/abuser etc isn't willing to keep uo sustained improvement for long enough, they just "want things to be back to normal" and for the other person to basically not bring up their transgressions or make demands. They don't seem willing to acknowledge the depth of the hurt and devastation they have caused in the relationship and commit to the long hard grind with perhaps little immediate reward of rebuilding things.

Be wary of couples therapy as the counsellor may take the view you are both equally to blame and you won't get the apology and recognition of blame and commitment to change that might be needed.

My experience is that people's only regret is that they didn't do it sooner.

Again, thank you everyone. But I need your help/support.

Me and dH were out tonight for a rare 'date night'. All started ok, but a few drinks in we ended up talking about what's been going wrong. He reiterated that he thinks I'm not putting the effort in, I was buoyed by the comments on here and reminded him that it will take time. It all culminated in him saying to me 'what I did (ie the gambling) was shitty but it's not half as bad as you're making it out to be'.

I'm furious. I'm so upset. To me this demonstrates that he just doesn't comprehend what he's put me through.

How can there be any way back from this??

Weve just spent 20 mins in a taxi home I absolute silence. Got home to my daughter still awake and desperate to see us both/give us both lots of kisses and cuddles.

I feel shit.

No, never regretted it. Can't imagine my life with that cheesoid in it.

I think it sounds like you would both benefit from marriage counselling. Why don't you suggest it to him and take it from there?