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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone every regretted ending their marriage?

90 replies

Macandcheeseplease · 07/12/2019 18:34

Just that really. I seem to read lots of positive stories from people leaving unhappy relationships. But does anyone ever feel leaving and starting again was the wrong thing to do? I'm thinking relationships with no abuse or anything, just one person falling out of love with the other.

OP posts:
BetweenTheMoon · 07/12/2019 23:39

My MiL. She's still single after a string of really bad relationships. My FiL is happily married again and we all get on brilliantly with the new extended family and love his new wife.

She cheated on him though so maybe that makes it easier to regret.

Techway · 08/12/2019 06:55

How long since you had the last crisis re his gambling?

It is natural that you feel differently about him as addiction breaks trust and it is a very unattractive trait.

I suggest you go for counselling as you need support for the trauma that he caused. Has he genuinely understood the impact on you or has been been self absorbed, which tends to be how addicts are.

Your feelings for someone else are understandably but please don't act on them as likely to be as a result of the trauma. Are you someone who tends to fix people?

beingsunny · 08/12/2019 07:23

When I think about some of the things that happened in my marriage and how he treated me on many occasions I know I did the right thing.

Having said that, I do miss all the good things we had, we spent lots of time together, he was spontaneous and ambitious and charismatic. Lots of his qualities complemented mine and sometimes I miss my life.

I'm stuck renting an apartment, while he is buying an expensive house with his new partner (who is lovely) and just sometimes I'm a bit sad.

Then I remember I'm in charge of my own future, and if I'm unhappy with today, I can change it 🙂

FredaFrogspawn · 08/12/2019 07:33

I didn’t leave until I was pretty sure I would be happier single than with my first dh. That meant around three years of being there but knowing it wasn’t going to go on forever.

But now, when we get together at a family thing, me with my lovely dh and him with his really very well-suited dw, I know it was right.

My only regrets are over a couple of things I did wrong over the time of breaking up, where I inadvertently caused pain to my dc which could possibly have been avoided, even though my intentions were to do the right thing. For example, moving away from the area they grew up in (they were teens) which in retrospect, I wish I hadn’t done for a few years. However- we are all fine, still close and happy in different ways.

Packit · 08/12/2019 07:35

I left a really good man, at least to anyone looking from the outside he was. In reality marriage to him was a ring and a piece of paper and the wife was there to cook, clean and serve him.

I have no regrets leaving him, I don’t miss him as I’ve met someone who worships the ground I walk on, and is my hero, saviour and I love him so much.

Lllot5 · 08/12/2019 07:36

I only miss the money. We were never well off but now on my own it’s much harder.
From the first day it was like a weight had been lifted, should have done it years before I did.

BlackSwanGreen · 08/12/2019 07:39

OP, it sounds like in your case you should give it another go before you give up on him. It's natural that you lost respect for him after the gambling issue, but if he has genuinely stopped then maybe you could regain those feelings.

Does he know how you are feeling? Would you both be open to marriage counselling?

Original poster
Macandcheeseplease · 08/12/2019 07:53

@Techway do I fix people? I'm not sure. What I think I do though is tend to put a brave face on everything, stick my head in the sand and just plough on through things.

@blackswangreen he senses some distance I think, but that's it. The most recent gambling issue was about 6 months ago, because I decided to stay with him then I think he feels that we are ok.

OP posts:
MzPumpkinPie · 08/12/2019 08:00

I don't regret divorcing my first husband ( no DC, relationship from age 15 to 29. Married for 7 years) best thing I ever did for myself.
He wasn't abusive but I grew up and he didn't.
Plus he had a wandering cock.
However I do absolutely regret NOT leaving my H when he cheated on me almost 3 years ago.
I was too scared to be left alone with 2 disabled DC, my own health issues etc
I wish I had been braver.

Lweji · 08/12/2019 08:08

If we didn't have children I wouldn't be with him.

Don't stay and force yourself to have sex for the children.
Do you have sex to keep him happy?
Tell him the real condition of your marriage. Seek counselling if you think it's worth saving. You've detached from this relationship and became emotionally available to other relationships, and I'm sure your oh deep down feels you're not really there.

Only you know what's right for you, but if you don't want to break up the marriage then you have to work on it. That's not keeping having sex, but making sure the issues are addressed and you do have a relationship with him, not just on paper.
Yes, it may be a process that ends your marriage, but staying like this isn't healthy.

litterbird · 08/12/2019 08:28

From my ex who left me 4 and half years ago suddenly for another woman....he regrets it every single day. His head was turned whilst we were going through a bad patch and instead of working on the relationship he bolted. The grass wasn't greener on the other side and she left him a couple of months ago. He is a shadow of his former self. Me, on the other hand....healed and moved on....it took some time and when he asked me to consider rekindling our relationship recently, well, I couldn't think of anything worse I could do for myself. I am extremely happy with my life now, its different and he does not fit in any more. So, yes from a different perspective...one can regret leaving.

slummymummy35 · 08/12/2019 08:52

@Macandcheeseplease I could have written your post apart from the gambling...my DHs issue is alcohol. After years of him being selfish and drinking too much and repeatedly letting me down and making me very unhappy, he punched a home in our kitchen door one night back in January when drunk, waking me and the kids up and terrifying us all. I immediately decided it was over and threw him out. But he moved himself back in and slept in the spare room for months...it was horrendous, I wanted to be separated and he veered from being super angry to super lovely trying to win me back over.

During this time I started messaging a work colleague who lives in another country. It was definitely a reaction to all the trauma and it turned into an emotional affair. It was a total distraction and not a good idea in hindsight.

My H then persuaded me to give things another go and I felt so guilty about the emotional affair that I agreed. And we have done marriage counselling, and tried to work on the relationship. But deep down I know that it is over and my big regret over the past year is that I didn't keep on the path of separation. He changed for a while but is now back drinking as often as before and seems delighted with himself.

So no advice really, but I understand how difficult it all is. Especially with an addiction...I'm sure like me you just don't trust him at all or believe he has changed. Feel free to message me if you want to x

Lauren850 · 08/12/2019 09:25

My husband had an addition too. I kept thinking i could make the situation work by focusing on the good things and trying not to be angry (even went to therapy for that!). When i finally left him I'd been unhappy for 10 years. My DDs were 10 and 12 at the time and have suffered terribly. One thing they always say is why did i let them think they had a nice home and a loving dad - why didnt i leave when they were tiny? They feel they'd have been ok with that and i saw some research recently which bears this out - 7-14 is the age range where divorce can do the most damage. Not saying this to put you off if yours are that age! Just feel huge regret i left it so long.

Lauren850 · 08/12/2019 09:26

Addition = addiction!

candlefloozy · 08/12/2019 11:06

My fil regrets ending his marriage to my mil.

Techway · 08/12/2019 18:01

Op, focus on getting your needs met. People with addiction are inherently selfish and therefore your needs are likely to have been unmet and you may have lost yourself

Start putting yourself first. It will be interesting to see if he can cope or if he relapses. The benefit is that you will feel stronger if you then decide to leave.

Macguffin69 · 08/12/2019 18:35

Gosh, I could have written that. Although, with my husband it was an emotional affair (possibly more). I feel totally disconnected from him. Our life is comfortable and we generally get on well but, like you, if we didn't have kids, we wouldn't still be together. I don't know what the answer is. In 10 years time when the kids have left home, will I regret my inertia, or will we have weathered the storm?

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/12/2019 19:42

I think about this a lot.

It is MY CHILDREN who tell me no.

Funnily enough, they seem to see their father clearer than I do. (They are boys)

They say "I wouldn't want to be married to Daddy'
and they are boys. They are furious about Idiot#3 who thinks she is True Love

That is actually heartbreaking, not reassuring

Meneenamenana · 08/12/2019 19:56

My husband had an addiction and I remember telling him during one of his drunken incidents that he was wearing away my love for him and that’s exactly what happened. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I really, really wish I had done it sooner - my ds’s were 5 and 8 at the time and my 8 year old is now 13 and it’s affected him very badly

shinynewapple · 08/12/2019 20:54

I know somebody who ended her marriage to get back with a previous boyfriend and regretted it.

Having said that, she is now in a new relationship and happy.

Original poster
Macandcheeseplease · 08/12/2019 22:02

I've just had a talk with DH. This post has given me the confidence to try and explain that I'm still not happy.

He thinks that I'm not putting any effort into making things right since the gambling stuff happened 6 months ago. He thinks he is making all the effort and I'm not engaged at all. I explained I'm distant because my feelings for him have changed and that I don't really know what to do about that. I said that I'm trying to move forward but the gambling over the years has chipped away at my love for him and I don't know how I feel any more. He thinks I'm not putting the effort in to move on and feels completely rejected by me. He just wants to feel loved, and isn't getting that from me just now. I've explained I don't think I can give him what he wants right at this moment in time. I think I'm trying, but maybe not hard enough. I don't know where we go from here.

OP posts:
Kitty2020 · 08/12/2019 22:09

That’s really good that you have communicated. It’s good that he has noticed that the connection has faltered.

Get yourselves to a highly recommended couples counsellor - this will help you which ever way you go next.

missyoumuch · 09/12/2019 00:57

My uncle moved out and they were separated for two years, he came back saying he'd made a massive mistake and now they are back together. Whether or not it will last for the long term I don't know but it was a surprise to all that A) he came back and B) she took him back.

WWlOOlWW · 09/12/2019 01:11

No. Best thing I ever did. Good luck x

BubblyWater · 09/12/2019 01:21

It sounds like the conversation ended being all about him and his needs. As a PP said, addicts are inherently selfish. It has only been 6 months since the last incident, has he actually taken responsibility for his actions and the impact that he has had on you and how you feel?

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