Advice please. Lazy husband

[Mrs86]

First time posting, just joined Mumsnet.
A little at the end of my tether with my husband!

I just feel he cba helping out around the house. When he does it's oh I've done this, you can't be bothered. Blah blah.

He'll pile up his dirty washing in the bedroom by the bed or on the landing despite many many times of me asking him to use the wash basket in the other room. He doesn't do 'cleaning toilets'. (Cleaned them twice in two years) and I'm sick of harping on about it all. Instead I'm met with ' why haven't you done it, why don't you do it, oh so and so has been like that for days so why haven't YOU done it.

Hardly ever takes any initiative himself. I come home from work around 18-18:30 when I'm on earlies and if it's a bin day the next morning, they're never out (he gets home before me).I put them out. I, then rush into the kitchen and start cooking, couple of hours spent in there. Then by the time I come and sit down it's my toddlers bedtime. No time spent with him. . Oh and then I finally get a chance to get out of my uniform. Might I add he's usually asleep on the sofa after work. (Toddler not alone, his grandma looks after him)

Dishes left around, nappies from changing the little one left piling up they don't get taken to the bin unless I ask. He'll point out this needs washing or it needs hoovering/brushing in here but won't get up and do it. I work full time and so does he but it feels like it's some kind of competition as to who works harder all the time.

We just had a to do over the frikkin sofa throw. Which he or the toddler dropped tea all over and he's sat with it over him. As soon as I came to sit under it and my toddler is chewing it he's screaming 'its dirty, it's dirty' needs a wash so I've just said well effing go put it in the washing machine then!l, why are you telling me!

I've asked him 3 times this week to please get some eggs. Not materialised.

If toddler wets the bed, he'll pull off the sheet but then not replace it later. But then God forbid if me or his mum leave it off to air the mattress all hell frikkin breaks loose.

Is it too much to ask that we share the household jobs 50/50?!

It's making me hate him and I'm finding it really hard to love him atm. I don't want him near me and I don't think I'd actually care if he just left. I just switch off when he speaks to me, because I can't be bothered even talking to him. I just don't have the energy to listen to his crap. Our little one is two and half and he probably sees us bickering all the time. I really don't want him to see us like this and grow up thinking it's normal behaviour.

How do I get my partner to just grow up and pull his weight? I more or less work 10 hour shifts and he works 8. I get he's tired as he's up early but so am I.

This ain't even the half of it.

Sorry, just needed to rant!!!

Step 1: Stop enabling him by rushing in to start the cooking etc. Ask him whats for dinner and give him an earful when he says nothing. 2 can play at that game

Step 2: Call him out for what he is, a lazy entitled arsehole

Step 3: Threaten him with the boot unless he steps the fuck up and stops acting like your 2nd entitled toddler.

Well, you've put up with it this long - what's his incentive to change?

Sure, you'll kick off and moan, but if he argues back and just doesn't do anything, you'll end up doing it all anyway. He gets to do fuck all, makes a mess, be unsupportive and he still gets to have nice domestic situation. And so it goes on.

I couldn't be bothered putting the effort in to try and make him change, he won't in all likelihood. I'd be focusing on getting everything organised to kick him out, especially if you have a grandparent to help with childcare.

What Cream said.

I had an ex like this. In his case his mother never taught him how to clean up after himself. It's simply never occurred to him that he could or should help out and nothing I said got through.

Have you tried having a stern talk to him about his role in the household? You're not his slave.

Wow, he sounds like such a delight!

Sounds like your life would be much easier if he moved out.

He'll never change

Why did you marry and have kids with him

Did he used to be a clean freak or something

Christ it must have been serious love to clean up after him all these years, fuck that life's too short , get rid of yourself of one less kid and sack him off

You know there are different men out there who wash cook clean loos, and parent don't you ?

If you stopped cooking and doing his washing what would he do ?

I doubt he will change.

It may seem drastic but I would seriouldy consider splitting up. I had a similar partner, not quite as bad, but I felt like a massive weight had been lifted when we finally split up.

You still have to do the same amount of housework, (although probably ess because you won't have a lazy man-child to look after too), but for me, there was something about not being annoyed all the time because you were hoping someone else would do it.

You don't have to live together to be parents.

Tell him if he doesn't help you, you are going to cut down your hours to part time. That will hit him in the pocket that usually hurts them. Maybe ask to go to marriage counsellor. Ask him for a date night to discuss things. If all else fails ask him if he wants to leave. That might frighten him.

Cream5

I've tried. It just gets left. Sometimes the dishes will get washed. Toddlers toys put away and living room clean. But not all the time.

I've said in the past that I don't actually need you here for anything so go to your mums but then I'm met with well I'm taking toddler. I'm not leaving him with you. And that's it.
As childcare goes, it's his mum that helps out with childcare. My family don't live a million miles away but I wouldn't want them to have my little one. I ask his mum to pass the message on but that doesn't work either.

Bigchris

I know there are.. I try leaving things for a few days but in the end I end up giving in and just doing it all because I feel like it won't get done. And it just pee' s me off

Awful, he just sounds like a complete pig. he’s not just lazy is he, but treating you like dirt. Threatening you too re. taking your child. If it were me I wouldn’t hang round a second longer. Get some legal advice is a good start.

He sounds utterly nasty, with every word you wrote.

Him taking your child is bollocks tho.

A bit unusual. He DOES see what needs to be done but somehow still expects you to do the chore. Leave his pile of washing alone. Stuff rushing in and doing the dinner. Could you manage a slow cooker meal once or twice a week? Sausage casserole. First one in switches it off. You sound as if you are living with a slobby teenager. Awful man.
What does your MIL say about him?

Has he always been like this? Is he selfish in other ways?

If he is over 30 the likelihood of him changing is slim as it is an ingrained belief that housework is a woman's responsibility.

You have to follow through on the threats, so if you want him to move out would you be prepared to share childcare 50%? Would his mum still do childcare for you or are their alternatives?

Upshot is that you can ask him calmly to step up, you can suggest counselling as a way of a 3rd party to help negotiate or you can go straight to separation and accept childcare 50% of the time. Reality is a lazy man isn't going to step up to parenting so will either force it on his mum or back to you.

Only you can decide if there is enough in the marriage to balance out his behaviour. I think his choice of words to you are so defensive that it suggests he generally doesn't respect you and that is likely to be demonstrated in other areas as well.

It's just housework mainly and DIY things like that where laziness sets in. We both work hard, both work full time. And I do love him. It's just since having the little one I've found our relationship is strained. We both have stuff going on in our families in which we're both kind of drawn in to and expected to be the person who sorts out their issues. It's stressful enough

He's an intelligent man, attentive and does muck in with the little one. Just lazy!

His mum is always on at him too.

Mrs86

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he and does he still meet?.

What is there to love about this man exactly?. He being "attractive" and "intelligent" does not really cut it given how he treats you. He sounds dreadful and as for him threatening previously to take his child with him nasty pieces of work utter such nonsense. DO you really want to be still associated with a man whose mother apparently goes on at him too?.

It is likely that his parents went some way themselves here to create this dynamic in their son that you are now continuing. Your H likely thinks that the housework and other associated tasks are your job and your job alone. Such entitled men do not change.

His previous threat about him taking your toddler is a further low point and something often said by abusive individuals to keep their chosen target in line. He said it because it works for him; you've been further cowered as a result. He knows your achilles heel here and that is your child. He is using him also to control you.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. Would you want your child as an adult to treat his wife like you are?. No you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Honestly? My experience is you can't. You can try things like only cooking for you and your toddler, only washing your clothing and your toddlers and so on - but really it's pretty hard to make that have any impact because when you clean and tidy, clean the kitchen and cook food - it always has a knock-on benefit for the entire household so gives no real incentive to change.

You seem to have the added bonus of not only him not pulling his weight but criticising you. I would not be able to contain myself if I were doing as much as you do and also had to put up with being 'told off' in effect for mess he created!

I'm really not surprised you are so angry.

There's no way I want my child to behave like this in the future. He's not entitled to anything.

I'm going to attempt a proper talk with him. Away from home and the little one. I think I might speak to his mum and see what she says aswell. If this fails then another male figure from his family. But yh, we need proper words. x

I think the elephant in the room here is that men like this literally see it as the woman's job, and for many, the actual reason they got a wife in the first place.

It would take a really fundamental shift in how he views women in order to improve.

I don't understand this. My husband can be lazy about house stuff but that's because he doesn't see it. He'd never look at something and say 'x needs doing, why haven't you done it' - he is figuratively saying to you 'these household jobs are yours to do and you are slacking on doing them' - you need him to give you a clear explanation of why you should be doing the jobs and not him. No screaming or shouting as that undermines your point, just repeat the question until he actually answers it.