Advice please. Lazy husband

[Mrs86]

First time posting, just joined Mumsnet.
A little at the end of my tether with my husband!

I just feel he cba helping out around the house. When he does it's oh I've done this, you can't be bothered. Blah blah.

He'll pile up his dirty washing in the bedroom by the bed or on the landing despite many many times of me asking him to use the wash basket in the other room. He doesn't do 'cleaning toilets'. (Cleaned them twice in two years) and I'm sick of harping on about it all. Instead I'm met with ' why haven't you done it, why don't you do it, oh so and so has been like that for days so why haven't YOU done it.

Hardly ever takes any initiative himself. I come home from work around 18-18:30 when I'm on earlies and if it's a bin day the next morning, they're never out (he gets home before me).I put them out. I, then rush into the kitchen and start cooking, couple of hours spent in there. Then by the time I come and sit down it's my toddlers bedtime. No time spent with him. . Oh and then I finally get a chance to get out of my uniform. Might I add he's usually asleep on the sofa after work. (Toddler not alone, his grandma looks after him)

Dishes left around, nappies from changing the little one left piling up they don't get taken to the bin unless I ask. He'll point out this needs washing or it needs hoovering/brushing in here but won't get up and do it. I work full time and so does he but it feels like it's some kind of competition as to who works harder all the time.

We just had a to do over the frikkin sofa throw. Which he or the toddler dropped tea all over and he's sat with it over him. As soon as I came to sit under it and my toddler is chewing it he's screaming 'its dirty, it's dirty' needs a wash so I've just said well effing go put it in the washing machine then!l, why are you telling me!

I've asked him 3 times this week to please get some eggs. Not materialised.

If toddler wets the bed, he'll pull off the sheet but then not replace it later. But then God forbid if me or his mum leave it off to air the mattress all hell frikkin breaks loose.

Is it too much to ask that we share the household jobs 50/50?!

It's making me hate him and I'm finding it really hard to love him atm. I don't want him near me and I don't think I'd actually care if he just left. I just switch off when he speaks to me, because I can't be bothered even talking to him. I just don't have the energy to listen to his crap. Our little one is two and half and he probably sees us bickering all the time. I really don't want him to see us like this and grow up thinking it's normal behaviour.

How do I get my partner to just grow up and pull his weight? I more or less work 10 hour shifts and he works 8. I get he's tired as he's up early but so am I.

This ain't even the half of it.

Sorry, just needed to rant!!!

He says he’ll take child. But he won’t because that will mean he’s have to actually make an effort.

In your shoes, I’d be finding out where I stood financially if you split up.

Mrs 86

You will not get anywhere with this man by talking to him because all he will hear from you is something he will regard as white noise. He will flannel you again in reply or perhaps tell you what you want to hear. Some time later he will revert to type.

When does he ever muck in properly with his child?. He is at work most of the time and when he is not he is on the sofa. Between his mother and you you're both doing the work here re this child, when is he ever involved at all?. And given what he has said about his child he won't want to really look after him going forward either, he will palm his child off on his mother.

You're not getting anything at all out of this relationship now are you?.
You can only change how you react to him going forward and your son needs to learn life affirming and positive role models about relationships. This current one he is seeing is really not fit for purpose.

And this is why I’ve encouraged my boys to the help around the house since they were 5! God I’m not sending them out into the world as lazy bastards.

A while back I read a post where a mum had literally booked herself a weeks hols without telling her dh and had stressed to family not to help him. She left him with the child and all the housework and he had to get on with it.
He learned very quickly how hard it is doing everything yourself.

Why does he think he should do less housework than you when he works fewer hours?

Does he think he's doing half? Or does he actually admit that he sees the housework as a woman's job?

@Frenchw1fe Do you remember the link? I'd be interested to read how that played out.

That is very lazy.
He does need to change.
Last chance could be to sit down and formally divide up different tasks. Do a rota of what needs to be done and when.
Say, he makes dinner and does dishes Monday, Wednesday, Friday
He hates cleaning toilets, ok you do that but he does all the ironing then.
He takes over the bins, you manage the family calendar.
Include childcare in this. Make sure you give each other a night off each week to go out with friends, or do a hobby.
Don’t do his jobs. Nag him to do them until it’s second nature.

It's weird though isn't it, that we're fighting this battle man by man. What really needs to happen is a major cultural shift where women are never seen as the domestic slave.

It's not just the laziness, it's that he absolutely sees it as your job because vagina. Total disrespect.

Just tell him you're done and you want to separate.

'Oh fine but I'm taking toddler'

'No you aren't, we'll share care of course. If you want to act the twat, you are of course quite welcome to storm out with the toddler to your mum's for a few days. I'll document it of course, so it's on record that you are willing to upset our child for the sake of making a point, just in case we ever do end up in court. But it would be much easier not to do that. Can I just say that your mum understands perfectly why I've had enough of you, so you might not get the reception you're after. So what do you want to do - discuss separating, or storm off with our child?'

He sounds nasty. What is the point of him? Really?

I hate these men who expect their partner to work but also to do all the housework.

The problem is that a lot of this stuff isn't so obvious until you have children. Suddenly you're extra tired, there's extra mess and it becomes apparent that you're the one doing the bulk/all of the housework. I think that's why so many women don't realise until after they have children by which point it's often much harder to leave. Or at least that's how it worked for me.

@HarrietTheFly I kinda feel that this is what's happened with us.
Did you get round it eventually and how??

He never makes sexist remarks but actions speak volumes I suppose. He'll change our toddler. Nappies/baths/ sort him out for bed, playing with him etc.

Me and my siblings used to have a chores rota when we were kids, I'll see if this works!

I'm sorry, we didn't really get through it. We are still together but I want to leave.

He did improve a little house work wise. Only because I got quite ill and physically could not carry on. He now will load the dishwasher occasionally and he does do a lot with our DD. He bought one of those robotic hoovers.

He has still never cleaned the bathroom, never puts toys away, never puts clothes away. I stopped putting his clean clothes away for a while. He bought new clothes. And men's clothes are so big. I didn't realise how much space they took up :( . We have mountains of them. I do put them away now but have got into the habit of letting the pile build up which I don't like. I stopped cooking for him. Now he will sometimes cook for me and vice versa but mostly we eat completely separately.

When things were really bad, back when I was on maternity leave and breastfeeding around the clock, I suggested a cleaning rota. That lead to an argument during which he swore at me so badly I've actually never forgiven him.

You are on a hiding to nothing. There are two ways to actually make this worse and no. 1 is to procreate with this arse again. No. 2 is to cut your hours. Do NOT cede financial independence to enable a lazy sexist.

You can try rotas, chats, talks but he'll never change because he's a sexist who believes this work is women's work.

BULLSHIT he'll take the toddler! And you tell him 'NO, you will not. We will share care 50/50. You are trying to bully me into putting up with your sexist and lazy behaviour and it's it's not going to work.'

Do not enable him at all.

Pulling your weight in life is not 'helping', it's your fair share.

Basically he thinks his time is more important than yours - that he is more important than you. Ask him if this is the case because it's really the only explanation. He thinks housework is women's work plain and simple. He looks down on you. Ask him why a woman would want to have sex with a man who looks down on her.

I had one of these. He'd been perfectly reasonable and split the housework right up until I had child number 2 and had to give up work (very high needs baby). Whereupon absolutely EVERYTHING became my job, because he worked, you know. I tried going on strike, I tried leaving him with the kids, I tried going away for the weekend. I was hospitalised after a miscarriage once, came home and had to spend the next two hours hoovering because the house was so bad, still bleeding.

He's an ex. He couldn't...no, he WOULDN'T, help. The ingrained 'woman's jobs' was too deep. And god only knows why it took two kids before it came out.

Good lord Zaphodsotherhead poor you!

I agree there's often no way to tell in advance. It upsets me when people on here doubt our judgement, adds insult to injury.

@Zaphodsotherhead I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been through. you're made of such strong stuff! xx

@HarrietTheFly I just don't get it. I know he's more than capable of doing all this. When I gave birth he was so helpful, really looked after me. Didn't let me get off the sofa/bed. Let me recover in my own time. Always sorted the food/cleaning. As the little ones gotten older I just need an extra helping hand. It's just frustrating trying to keep up with it all.

I do want another baby but I've told him I'm putting it on hold. He didn't know what to say then. Ive asked him to get a babysitter for little one one day this week so we can just go and talk. x

Thank u everyone xx

As you’re both working, could you afford a cleaner for a few hours each week? Perhaps if you suggested that then he might come to his senses and realise that you can’t and shouldn’t be expected to do everything. If he says you can’t afford it then you need to tell him he has to step up and help on at least 50/50 basis and issue an ultimatum.

As the little ones gotten older I just need an extra helping hand. It's just frustrating trying to keep up with it all.

Honestly, nothing will change unless youu snap out of this mindset. It is not your job to 'keep up with it all', it is both of your jobs, you're a married couple who work FT and have a child. It is not 'helping' to pull your weight in life as a spouse and a father.

Do NOT have another child by this man, no matter how tempting, because he will just get worse, as pointed out.

Do NOT enable him with a bloody cleaner, yet another job he will expect you to sort so he can do even less.

@dontalltalkatonce you're right. It isn't 'helping' we're in a marriage, a partnership and he shouldn't even need to be told.

His mum said to him years ago (and me) that I have spoilt him I didn't think this to be true at the time. But I see now, alas I hope it is not too late!

What happens a lot is women take really long maternity leaves and start feeling guilty for it and start doing all the work. If you combine this with being married to a lazy sexist, the husband starts to see this as expected as she is 'sat at home' and what's for dinner and a very chauvinistic dynamic becomes established that festers but the woman hangs in and chunters along, cajoling and enabling, because she wants a second child and it's easiest to have another than break away and find someone else. The second child comes along, another long mat leave and the shit really hits the fan because the guy expects 1950s Wifey Her Indoors - dinner on the table, sex, no lifework because 'I work!' - and the woman realises she's got the two kids now and doesn't want the third in adult form.

I'd tell him the truth, thinking of ending the marriage because it isn't one. And NO drawing up rotas, chivying, enabling - he doesn't expect anyone to do this for him at work because he'd get sacked, he's expected to be an adult at work so be an adult at home or we're done.

I'd set a personal time scale and stick to it.

I agree with dontalltalkatonce. Men see maternity leave as 'a holiday'. They haven't given birth. They don't know how bad it can be to have shoved a human out of you (or had it removed in a MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY) and then suddenly to have to not only recover, but also look after this helpless small human. They think it's a breeze, after the second week or so you should have it covered.
That''s when they start thinking you should be 'picking up the slack at home'. And we do! And it just gets worse!
Maybe we should campaign for a return to the old days of six weeks 'lying in', where you weren't allowed out of bed and just laid and bonded with the baby and learned how to care for it. Mind you, in those old days the men just went back out to work and the rest of the family rallied round, so they STILL didn't have to do anything, with sisters and mothers and cousins cooking and cleaning for them so they never had to come home to no dinner and screaming toddlers.
But I really think men should be educated in what it's like to look after a baby/children. That women aren't (generally) sitting at home eating chocolate and watching Loose Women, we're firefighting and stopping arguments and trying to keep the cat safe and putting up with THE INCESSANT CRYING and it might not always be hard physical labour but it's bloody relentless, thankless, boring and TOUGH. And also unpaid and unrewarded.