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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any argument DH uses this against Me.

54 replies

iwannagowherethepeoplego · 06/12/2019 20:20

DH doesn't help around the House, or with the DCs either. Granted he works 5 days a week and I only work 3, but my days are full on with a Toddler and I'm also currently 4 Months pregnant. I do everything in the House and for the DC, no exaggeration when I say everything.
Tonight I asked if he could help around the House more (at all!) and was met with the usual tirade of verbal abuse, but the same phrase came up that he has thrown at me since DC was born "Well you could work full time and I'll stay at home having fun with DC instead"
He earns double what I would but therefore feels that makes him entitled to be spiteful anytime I ask for a little support, if we were to switch 'roles' as such we would barely be able to afford our Mortgage let alone any other outgoings.
Feeling so down and fed up, reading back what I've written I know how much of an idiot I sound but all I genuinely asked for was a little help around the House occasionally, and now I'm in tears alone upstairs after being shouted at.. Should never has asked. Meh!

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 06/12/2019 20:23

Say great you stay home with the kids tomorrow and I’ll go to work and leave you a list of the jobs that need completing throughout the day and evening even once I’m back.
He’s a selfish prick.

MrsPnut · 06/12/2019 20:26

But when you are at home you are working to look after your children. The housework etc needs to come after that consideration.
We both work 5 days a week but I work shorter hours. He still does as many if not more household stuff than me.

allthesharks · 06/12/2019 20:28

So his only contribution to your lives is financial? Does he play with the DCs? Has he ever looked after them on his own, even if only for a day?

My days at work are far easier than my days at home with a toddler were.

It makes sense for you to do things like laundry on the days that you're at home when he's at work, because you're there to physically put the clothes in the machine etc. But he is also home two days a week (at the weekend), so he should be doing his fair share when he is around. Equally, on the days that you both work, household jobs should be shared.

You're not an idiot at all. He should definitely be doing more. Or at least something.

Babyfg · 06/12/2019 20:29

Call his bluff and say calmly ok hand your notice in tomorrow (or Monday!) I bet he won't. Then tomorrow get up and go out. Come back a couple of hours later say you were working (well you are COs you're working on giving your self a break). Note what he's not done and ask him if he's had fun all day. Tell him he's already failing at being a stay at home parent.
Then tell him he's being a lazy arse and should grown up and help maintain his household.
My partner is the same and doesn't like it when I call him out on his bullshit with facts.

Ohyesiam · 06/12/2019 20:31

You could log all you do and present him with the list. How much would he pay for child care, laundry, housekeeper, cook, cleaner etc. What you are doing is worth a lot.

If you don’t want to leave him ( how can you stay with someone who is not an ally?), you are going to have to find a way to switch on the power dynamic as he is doing. Withdraw whatever he values. Eat early with your son and stop cooking for him, saying you have no time, or whatever works. You have to keep your nerve and expect him to kick off. But there’s no reasoning with an unreasonable person.

He must know he is being selfish and out of order. He just doesn’t want to opt in to family life.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/12/2019 20:32

I'd call his bluff tbh... just tell him tonight you've had a good think about what he said and that you'd like to go back to work full time, let him look after the kids...

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2019 20:33

You do work. You do 60pc of what he does. Surely then chores should be split the same way with him doing 60pc.

I'd say well if you want me to do 100pc of house and kids stuff then I'll stop work, or call his bluff and say ok, I've looked into it and if I take this course and do xyz and we make savings here and here then you can drop your hours and I can go full time and you can take over at home.

Your other option is just leave because hes a horrible disrespectful person who doeant participate in home or family life anyway, and you dont want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal

TimeforanotherChange · 06/12/2019 20:33

My answer would be 'I tell you what...I'll file for divorce and then I'll get half the assets, half your pension and free time whilst you're having fun with the kids on your access weekends you utter prick. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone who does pull their weight around the house ".

Butterymuffin · 06/12/2019 20:34

Yes, call his bluff. Tell him to quit and you'll look for a job. He's holding this over you because he knows you won't push it.

slipperywhensparticus · 06/12/2019 20:35

Spread sheet? Show him his earnings vrs yours ask him if he would be happy in a doss house or the house your buying

If you can I would go for a five day week tell him your equal and he needs to help out

TheCanyon · 06/12/2019 20:35

Absolutely let him stay home. What a twat.

Stickytoffeeprodding · 06/12/2019 20:37

God these men children really piss me off. Please be assertive and get him to grow a pair.

thistimelastweek · 06/12/2019 20:40

By his own argument he should be doing 2/5 of the housework to your 3/5.
(Personally I think partners should support each other 50/50 but you seem to be fighting fire with fire)

Ginger1982 · 06/12/2019 20:41

Why are you with him? He sounds like an absolute twat.

Weenurse · 06/12/2019 20:42

Mine only recognised how much work was involved at home when he lost his job.
DC were 4 and 5 at the time, he stayed at home for a year.
I agree that he needs to stay at home and do the care.
Can you get a weekend job so he needs to step up then and realise what is required?

BendyLikeBeckham · 06/12/2019 20:43

Seriously, OP. You need to consider your options here. He will never change. Do you want this to be your life forever? Do you want your DC growing up thinking this is normal, and living on an abusive household? Because you are being abused.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 06/12/2019 20:48

Get a full time job and get him to pay for a nanny and cleaner.

TheLittleBrownFox · 06/12/2019 20:48

"Right, I'll go to work full time and you stay around the house having fun with the kids 24/7. We'll adjust our lifestyle to our drop in income. Any questions?"

Original poster
iwannagowherethepeoplego · 06/12/2019 20:51

Thanks everyone, truly amazing advice.
I'm so tempted to show him the replies as he genuinely see's no error in his ways whatsoever. I do work one weekend day when he has to look after the DC, he doesn't do any housework / food shopping on that day as it's his 'fun day' with the DC Confused Urgh I appreciate how that sounds, and thats what I mean by sounding like an idiot mug.
Of course I don't begrudge doing majority of the housework and I adore my time with DC, but just occasionally it would be nice for him to do a load of washing, just one! Or offer to bathe DC on a week night...
Currently in the middle of looking at our finances, if I was to return to work full time there could be options for Me to take a more senior position as before I had DC. Definitely worth mentioning!

OP posts:
Sprinklemetinsel · 06/12/2019 20:52

People are coming up with ways to help him understand that he is wrong.

He's an adult, you shouldn't need to think for him.

Get rid.

Sprinklemetinsel · 06/12/2019 20:53

Honestly, you want to stay with him when he talks to you like that? He's horrible.

SleighOfSparkliness · 06/12/2019 20:53

Well if he thinks it’s no effort and lots of fun, he definitely won’t mind doing his own laundry/ironing and cooking will he?

Only do what is relevant for yourself and the kids. Don’t say anything, just see what happens when he notices.

Other than that, divorce the twat!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/12/2019 20:55

"Should never has asked."
That is what he's trying to train you to do Sad.

Lists of what you do, spreadsheets - won't work. Facts don't matter to him, all that matters is that he stays as King of the Castle and you stay as his serf and skivvy. Facts. Don't. Matter.

Calling his bluff - I don't think that would work either. He's more likely to just scoff "yeah, right!" and ignore you.

The only thing I think that might have any effect on your life is
@TimeforanotherChange 's suggestion -
"My answer would be 'I tell you what...I'll file for divorce and then I'll get half the assets, half your pension and free time whilst you're having fun with the kids on your access weekends you utter prick. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone who does pull their weight around the house ". "
And to seriously consider it. Because this is no life at all, the one you're leading. He's not a husband, he's an overlord. Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want modelled to your children, as how to conduct the most important relationship they will ever have in adulthood?

Biancadelrioisback · 06/12/2019 20:56

I'm sorry but if you need to justify why he needs to help you, then he already has no respect for you and your relationship is fucked. DH and I both work full time a graft our tits off on an evening to keep the house running and still have time to play with DS on evenings and weekends. You need a partner, not a master

Obsidian77 · 06/12/2019 20:57

Absolutely call his bluff. Take him seriously and ask if he'll be doing 2 or 3 days a week.
Apply for the promotion.
Stop tolerating this bullshit from him.
Make plans so he has to do full, consecutive days of childcare and housework.
You're pregnant, make sure you put your health and that of your baby first.
Brew

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