The worst first date imaginable. Are men this shit?

[serenenqueen]

Just had the worst first date ever.

My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. Everything was quite good but he couldn't cope. We were long distance and he has mental health problems. Thing is, he was nasty during the breakup and accused me of being manipulative because I was upset about the time we spent together (ie not a lot) when I went down to see him.

I really thought this man was the one. I have never been so intellectually in tune with someone before, I really loved him, and I thought he loved me. I was his first partner in 6 years and he said we were magical and he had found someone worth putting everything last to.

When we broke up I just accepted it - I didn't try and fight for him or anything. I didn't get upset or beg or try to rationalise. I just said "I think there's a lot to fight for but I respect your decision"

We've had phone calls in the weeks before I stopped contacting him where we just spoke about stuff like we usually do (this sounds weird but we loved talking about philosophy and stuff like that, so we never ran out of fun things to talk about). It's the thing I miss the most about him, I've never been intellectually attracted to someone.

When we went on our first date it lasted 14 hours (!) And he drove me the 2 hour journey home. We didn't sleep together. He didn't talk about sex or what I looked like. Think the furthest he went was "you're so beautiful". It was just so lovely, and it still gives me goosebumps to think of it.

Back to first date tonight: immediately started pressuring me to stay at his, from the beginning. Then, after maybe 10 minutes walking down the round he kisses me on the mouth (unexpectedly). We ate and he tried to spend the whole time convincing me to go back to his. Then he kept saying "I'm a bad date aren't i" and "in not doing well". When I didn't kiss him he said "I know it was a bad date for you" and kept trying to convince me like "not even a peck?". Kept getting me to evaluate him during the date "do you think you'll see me again?" Like an hour in.

Just on the train home now, feeling shit. I know my ex has/had issues but the difference is outstandingly stark. The weird date guy has text me asking me to meet him again Sunday (not going to). And after 1 month no contact I've caved and text my ex "I really miss you"

Fuck my life. Gonna wake up tomorrow with no reply from the ex and having to let weird date guy down gently.

Dating is so shit.

Love your own self for a change and be on your own. If I recall correctly as well your ex was himself abusive towards you. Also consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Six weeks on from a relationship ending, even an abusive relationship ending, is far too soon to start dating again.

Twats like the one you described can sense vulnerability a mile off and will target accordingly.

Please look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid because this will help you move forward too. Its for those who have been in abusive relationships.

Read about love bombing, mirroring behaviour and future faking behaviours too. All this and more besides are what abusive men do too.

The relationship wasn't six years. I was his first relationship in six years.

At least you know you have good boundaries and weren't pressured by this dick.

I would take a break from dating for a while, OP. You wrote a lot about your ex; you're clearly not over him; and I think your dating is an attempt not to deal with the finality of it, or with your grief.

Problem is that this often creates more grief, rather than less, as you've discovered.

Give things, and yourself, some time.

I’m a very sexual person.

🤮 That made me throw up in my mouth a bit. 🤮

@AFistfulofDolores1

You're right I am not over my ex at all, and this has confounded it.

Weird date guy sounds like one of the people on that first dates program. I assume they act like that because of the camera, guessing he's just copying them thinking it's a good idea. Just block and ignore.

Weird date guy sounds improperly socialized

Came on here to say exactly what @Zaphodsotherhead said. You are not over your ex and it’s fine if it takes a few more weeks or even months before you date again. Dating isn’t compulsory, maybe some time alone would do you good.
I agree with others posters saying you should have left as soon as you became uncomfortable. I know this can be easier said than done though. You need some time to work on yourself and your boundaries. There’s no rush.

It's just a date OP, there are more than two men in the world- a bad date doesn't make your ex a better option. Realistically your ex sounds not much better - calling you manipulative is deeply unpleasant and not something you think about a person you are madly in love with.

I realise it is painful and have been there but if he didnt have a relationship for 6 years there was a reason for that, he doesn't sound like he was the one so much as he said the right things, said the things that spoke to you (that worked) and made you feel special, like a lot of men do when they find someone who will believe them. In my experience men know full well that trotting out things like 'beautiful' make women feel they must really like them. It's just nonsense and I'm sure he'll say it to the next one and the one before- it's just loaded terminology. You are better off focusing on how he treated you at the end as a better measure of his personality. I agree with those saying to read up on love bombing future faking etc- your ex sounds dodgy as anything OP.

Be kind to yourself, it's been a few weeks and these things take time to get over, especially with men like that. You don't need to be back with your ex to feel worthwhile and loved, you need time, healing and eventually (if it appeals) start the dating.

Did your ex reply out of curiosity?

It is terrible most of the time, but I met a few nice men, interesting to talk to but I didn't fancy them ... then it happened, he says he knew I was the one before we even met in person (long distance), by the second date I was googling houses and jobs near him. It's mutual ... got it bad!

Hang in there, there's good 'uns out there

Don't worry OP, and don't beat yourself up about it, it's not you, it's him (the weirdo creep). And no, not all men are like that, definitely not.

If it makes you fell any better, here's my 'first date' contribution. Met a guy, went for drinks. He was good enough looking, but as it turned out - a total douchebag. For a first hour of our date, he was banging on about himself, ME ME ME&ME, how handsome he was, how talented, how intelligent, how this, how that, blablabla. I was just about to call it quits and leave when he announced (the exact words!) that he's a god's gift to all women (he actually said that). And that such a plain random girl like me should be counting her lucky stars that an amazing man like that showed her any attention (yup. he said that as well). I wasn't plain and random, and he definitely wasn't 'all that'. I stood up, and being the bitch that I am, poured his beer all over his head and left. Fucker.

@Househunt1

Yes weirdly replied with a broken heart emoji

And asking to meet next weekend

OP You are very very vulnerable. I strongly suspect you are an Empath.

Weird guy is very probably a lesser narcissist. Somatic. If he is then he is very dangerous. Those 3.5 women who die every week do so at the hands of the Lessers.

You must implement a robust NC. He will rage of course but he wont be able to keep it up for more than 48 hours at best unless he has developed a malicious obsession. He probably hasn't so please dont worry.

You need to learn more about yourself lovely. I suggest narcsite.com

Don't let a crap date drive you back to your ex. You deserve somone who wants to be with you, loves and makes the effort to make you happy. It doesn't sound like your ex was doing this. Your ex of this weird date fella aren't your only two options!

*or

good point 75. I also think women can be more vulnerable generally (children at home, etc etc).

also women, especially natural empaths, are often conflict-avoident.

i've had the slimy feeling too OP, after a date or short (cough) relationships with weirdos met online, agghhh just thinking about it makes my flesh crawl. only ever happened to me re online dating - because you are not getting the vibe you do in a natural meeting kind of way (I believe). I assume you met him online OP?

Just be highly aware. If you are getting the vibe of creep, waster, etc, have a quick escape plan, best to always say you can only meet for one drink, coffee etc. Be polite but make excuses fast. Don't give much personal information prior to meeting etc.

What happened 3 years ago?

Probably acute memory loss coupled with losing mirror...

OP, don’t bear yourself up for dating too soon or picking a weirdo/creep. It’s easy to give advice as third party but it’s very different when you are in the situation.

Really good on you for standing up for yourself and ending it instead of being too nice. Men like that prey of empaths/good natured people.

OP You are very very vulnerable. I strongly suspect you are an Empath. Weird guy is very probably a lesser narcissist. Somatic. If he is then he is very dangerous. Those 3.5 women who die every week do so at the hands of the Lessers.

Honestly OP, don’t let weirdo guy or mumsnet fuck with your head. You have blocked him and are not seeing him again. It is over.

Keep dreaming @IdiotInDisguise

Frankly, the world is full of empaths and narcissists in different degrees. You don’t need to convince a woman who is perfectly able to recognise when a date has gone wrong and who has the strength to refuse another date from same man, that she is “vulnerable”. She has displayed good judgement and strength, no need to infantilise her.

Only here to empathise and say that there are some shocking men (and women) out there! Bloody hell i do not miss dating! And I’ve also done the “texting an ex because my date is so shit” thing. Hug OP

Yeah I don't think I am "vulnerable" or an empath. I think alot of people are like me.

My ex also text me back saying "to say I miss you would be the biggest understatement of my life"

... Which I know isn't a) genuine and b) worth a reply