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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP calls me a shit mum when we argue.

18 replies

Meglet · 22/08/2007 16:37

Me and my DP are having a bit of a rough time and whenever we have a big row, (probably every 2 weeks) he shouts at me that I'm a shit mum and how he can do what he wants as he earns the money. In fact he yelled at me being a shit mum the day I came out of hospital after a c-section, apparently his mum didn't hink I was picking the baby up quick enough, I was in tears most of that day. Do most men throw this insult when they are in a foul mood? For the record I think I am a pretty decent mum, we have a 9mo DS.

I have booked a Relate apt for Friday and he is NOT happy about it. Frankly i'm fed up with him being a sulky pig all the time and we need to sort things out sooner rather than later. I'm at the stage where I dread him coming home as he just doesn't seem to want to know me anymore and is more interested in watching the simpsons. Apparently as he works he can do whatever he likes. He is pretty good with our DS though.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 22/08/2007 16:39

He sounds like a shit dp. No it is not normal for a man to call the mother of his dc a shit mum.

Rhubarb · 22/08/2007 16:40

No they don't and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Sounds like him and his family are doing their best to grind you down.

Get some friends and family on your side. I don't care who earns what, you do the most work with a young child. Think of the wages most childminders and aupairs get! How about you suggest that if you buggered off he'd have to pay you maintenance.

Hope the Relate helps. Was he like this before the baby came? Could be he's finding it hard to adjust to being a dad and not being the centre of your attention anymore.

Men can be such pricks!

HappyDaddy · 22/08/2007 16:41

How is he "pretty good" with your DS? Just cos he doesn't shout at him or abuse him, doesn't make him a good dad.

doggiesayswoof · 22/08/2007 16:42

No, I have to say dh has never called me a 'shit mum' (he would regret it if he did) and I haven't heard that one from friends when they have rows either.

With that attitude your dp sounds like a shit dp and a shit dad tbh (he can do what he wants because he's the breadwinner? sounds like a 17yo with his first wage...)

sorry you are having to go through this.

FioFio · 22/08/2007 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LucyJones · 22/08/2007 16:48

hopefully Relate will talk some sense into him
It sounds like he has issues being the only one who works
Maybe you both need to sit down and discuss how everything is going since you had ds? Maybe he feels too much weight on his shoulders being the sloe earner and you can tell him you need him to help more
but it's no excuse for talking to you that way, esp just after you came out of hospital
his mum sounds a piece of work too

EscapeFrom · 22/08/2007 16:52

Give the spiteful little bastard a good talking to - he's only saying it because it hurts.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 22/08/2007 16:56

That's totally out of order. He sounds like a pretty shit partner and I doubt very much that he'd like to hear that piece of truth. I'm sure you're doing a great job - don't let the bastard grind you down. Also, regarding DP's mum - she got to do it her way when she was a parent, it's your turn now and you know what you're doing.

GooseyLoosey · 22/08/2007 16:58

Ditto what others have said - this is not something most men do and should not be tolerated.

Being a mother is a fundamental part of who you are and something which most of us have some insecurities about anyway and I suspect he says this because he knows it will hurt more than other things. This makes what he is saying abusive.

Has he tried looking after ds much on his own to discover just how hard it is. Perhaps you could suggest he try. If you were interested, you could think of getting a part-time job maybe on a Saturday so he has to look after ds. This is not a Xenia type argument by the way that women should work not be full time mothers but it sounds to me as though he could do with a reality check and you could do with some time out of the house and away from him.

crokky · 22/08/2007 17:06

Reply to him:

"I am DS's mother and he will never have another one. If you are unhappy with any aspect of my parenting, we can discuss that specific issue. Otherwise, don't throw such generalised and immature insults at me."

Re him earning the money, my DH throws that one at me occasionally. I would just reply "Do you not realise that the three of us are a family unit? You and I are perfoming different roles for the family and these are equally important."

In my experience, some men do say these kinds of things during an argument. I usually tackle it by keeping my side of the argument logical, factual and specific and eventually DH realises that what he is saying is just meaningless insults like a tantruming child.

cestlavie · 22/08/2007 17:39

No, that's absolutely out of line and just hitting below the belt in a nasty, spiteful way aimed at causing the most pain. I've not heard anyone using that insult myself and I'd expect DW to give me a good slap if I even thought about using a phrase like that.

fawkeoff · 22/08/2007 18:16

you have a job......being at home with a baby, tell him u want fuckin wages for the work you do at home.

isheisnthe · 22/08/2007 18:27

my ExP did this too - its the only thing he knows he can say that will get a reaction. we are not all perfect - and some times I guess I would class myself as a "shit mum" - but thats on bad days. See how good he would be if he was there 24/7 - they couldnt handle it (most of them) - tell him to fuck off - its such a nasty thing to say - and smacks of a bully - which is exactly what he is being - using the one and only thing that will really really really hurt

Wilkie · 22/08/2007 18:28

He sounds nice!!

No it is not normal and is not something I would EVER dream of throwing back at my DH.

Original poster

Meglet · 22/08/2007 20:27

thanks for your messages hugs to everyone. i did think he was being an asshole, but wanted to check. he has been weirdly nice for a couple of days, think he knows I'm going to lay down the law. he can be a bit of a tantruming child so I can rise above it sort of, but its just getting silly now and he needs to sort himself out.

Goosey - I do actually work on a sat pm so DP does get to parent all on his own, he's capable of doing it when he's forced to- mind you its just milk, nappies and playing not the day to day stuff that I have to do! i'm back to my real job 2 days a week in a months time.

and, yes, his mum is a total cow. looks like pat butcher, hoovers the patio too. witch.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 22/08/2007 22:50

Hooovers the patio? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Loser with so much time on her hands.

Or is that a euphemism?

And you can't be a shit mum. He's an idiot.

lazyemma · 23/08/2007 09:35

Yes, that's a shitty thing to say, but what do you say to him, during these arguments? Is he standing there shouting "YOU'RE A SHIT MUM YOU ARE" and you're just calmly reading the paper? Or do you give as good as you get? What's your part in all this?

His mum sounds like an arsehole, by the way.

Original poster

Meglet · 23/08/2007 13:06

TBH I usually stay fairly calm when he's in a foul mood and yelling. Partly because he gets himself so wound up over petty things that I refuse to go down to his level and also because our tiny house has paper thin walls so I cannot bear the idea of yelling with our DS in the house. He's like a teenager and I'm at the end of my tether. We only have sex once a week or so as he is either down the pub or stays downstairs watching TV til late by which time I'm asleep. I'm so fed up I can't even cry, might have to eat chocolate.

Hoovering the patio wasn't a euphemism. his mum has never worked and is a hideous stepford wife and has no life. feel a bit sorry for her as I think his dad is a pig too. nightmare family really.

OP posts:

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