Need to end this 'friendship' but how without hurting her?

[Cornishqween]

I'm hoping for some advice about a friendship I've had on and off since I was 4 years old.Apologies this is a long one but I dont want to drip feed.

We were best friends all through childhood, we went to the same primary school in the same class and remained close even though we went to separate secondary schools. Our friendship wasn't the best and to be honest she regularly dropped me for others and would leave me sat on my own after promising to come over for a sleepover etc. I have no idea why I wanted to remain friends with her but we talked every day and our parents ended up being close friends too.

When we got into our late teens and early twenties we saw less of each other, and I met someone and got engaged. I asked her to be my maid of honour, to which she agreed, but wouldn't make time for either of the dress fittings, didn't attend the hen do (despite it being a low key chilled event in our local pub - arranged by me) and then decided to move abroad just before my wedding day. I reluctantly asked my sister in law to take over since my best mate wasn't even sure if she could now make the wedding at all. I was gutted, and told her I'd assumed she'd be there for the day. She managed to get a flight home but said she had no option but to leave my wedding before the speeches. She wasn't in any of our photos, and of course didn't bother getting us a gift or a card.

After the wedding I decided to take a break from her as tbh I didnt feel like she was much of a mate. She ended up dating my husbands best mate a while after though and sort of shoehorned her way back into our lives. While she was with my husbands mate we saw loads of her, mainly because he would come over to ours loads and she tagged along, and soon we were like our old selves, it was an easy friendship basically.

I found out not long after that I was pregnant, and when our eldest was born we asked her and her boyfriend to be godparents (given that they were our oldest friends). He was always amazing with our little one, but she wasn't bothered. I kind of understood it as she was at a different stage in her life.After a while their relationship broke down and she took it quite badly. I tried to support her the best I could but with a young baby it was hard to be as available as she wanted. She didn't understand that I'd want to nap if I'd been up all night, and that my little one would come first.

About a month after the breakdown of her relationship she rushed into another with a guy who was related to her friend. They decided to try for a baby almost immediately (to get her own back on the bloke she'd broken up with) despite me trying to reason with her and make her see sense. She didn't get pregnant straight away thankfully but kept trying and trying despite the fact they weren't living together and she was in and out of jobs every 6 months.I feel like she barely knew him.

She eventually did fall pregnant but had an early miscarriage and I think her world just sort of fell apart. She couldn't function and was obsessed with trying again and again for another baby. She hated her friends who were pregnant after the miscarriage, and said they were rubbing it in her face. I too fell with my second baby and almost felt guilty to share this with her. She barely spoke to me throughout the pregnancy and didn't meet my baby until he was 8 months old.

She did manage to conceive again, and thankfully her little one was born safely but she'd treated most of her other friends so badly that I was the only one she could really talk to or confide in. She moved away from the area completely, with no job and little money. I shared my concern that she would be too far away for most to visit with ease (over an hours drive). She was adamant that moving away would be the change she needed and that she wouldn't be isolated.

Fast forward a few more months and our friendship became a way for her to vent, and every conversation we had was about how awful her other friends and family are " nobody visits me, I'm alone, I have no money, I hate my life etc" I felt sorry for her but also had problems of my own. She would never ask how me or my kids were doing, how our lives were going, never wanted to go for coffee (just wanted to sit and have me listen to hour long conversations about her problems) and the worry I had for her started to wane.

This has carried on now for several years, with this friend sort of using me like a therapist. She calls me usually 3 times a day, starting at 7am usually, and if I don't answer she calls and calls and calls until I pick up. If I ignore her she starts sending text messages asking why I'm not picking up. When we talk she rattles off her problems, usually with her child screaming in the background - to which she responds "f*cking shut up" or similar :( and if I try to interject with advice or a way to help she shuts every possible option down. She threw herself a baby shower recently and caused a huge argument in the middle of the shower with her family, I mean screaming swear words at them in front of a room full of people, including her 3 yr old ds and 8mo dn and the very few friends she has left. No one knew where to look or what to say. I actually picked up her child and led him out of the room and away from the screaming.

She is now hounding me hourly and I just cant cope with it. My husband is losing patience and wants me to block her completely. The only reason I haven't is because I've known her my whole life. I flinch every time she calls my phone. She is constantly hounding me on social media too.

I don't know how to get a back bone and just stop this nonsense. I've never been able to handle conflict and know she is going to slate me to whoever will listen and probably her family (who at times have been like a second family to me)

Just am lost and could do with some advice really

"I'm afraid I can't be there for you at the moment, I've a lot going on in my own life, sorry"

/\ perfect! No detail, no blame, nothing for her to latch on to - also no timeline / endpoint .... mention being back in touch in the NY - would expect her to set an alarm and have the WA pinging before the 12 bells of 2020 have rung !

OP years ago as a teenager I cut a very close friend out of my life without explanation. I had reasons which were similar to yours but honestly I have always been ashamed of the way I handled it. I don't regret ending the friendship but she and I have met over the years and I am fully aware of just how much pain I caused her. I am not proud of that.

Whilst I completely agree you need to withdraw and protect yourself I would urge you to take action that you are able to look back on without shame. Withdrawing/sorry but busy etc is far less cruel than straight block/ignore/cut out of life. Another of my longest friends had the dreaded block happen to her by a friend of 35 years recently and it damn near broke her.

Be firm, do what you have to do and protect yourself and your family from her drama but please don't just go straight to blocking her.

I think you can't phase her out as she's so persistent, she probably wouldn't realise! You should block, and then be prepared for her to try to contact you on social media under different names, plus, she may try to get into your social media accounts. I'm speaking from experience here !

But I'm worried about her older child. Emotional abuse is serious. Not only is she screaming at him and swearing but she's hardly giving him attention whilst she's hounding you, so is that neglect also? Would you consider informing someone?

Ultimately, as soon as you block her, you will stop fearing your phone. Yes you'll be anxious but your husband is in agreement and you know it's the right thing. Again, I can relate but a different scenario. You'll get some of your life back. Good luck!

It’s awful to do but also a great relief and you’ll feel much better in a week or so. But it is rough for the week after
Send a message and then block

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.
SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

Did you get the 7:30am wake up call?

I've just done a message....

I feel sick

Said this :

Hey , had a manic week again and Ive decided to try and focus on college and work as I’m getting behind. I’m trying to fit in some horrendous assignments with deadlines for college and I'm having to cut down the time I spend on the phone and Social media with everyone, so don't worry if I’m off the radar for a bit. I know you understand, being the one who has to keep things going.

She's messaged back instantly with this

Okey dokey,yeah course u get them assignments done,there important. Call me over the weekend when your free xx

I feel awful

Ps there was no call today so that message probably seemed a bit random

Jeez she isn’t giving you anything - barely 36hrs.....so she will be hounding you.

You need to close this right down - right now - otherwise you will be even more exhausted and distracted fighting her off every 36hrs and you have achieved nothing .......you need to be setting the pace here not her. I also think with these types you don’t give any info (eg the assignments) as she then has a tangible hook to get back in. No excuses or reasons - just total blandness - so go straight back to manage expectations “Will catch up in the new year - far too much on right now - have a great xmas”

Be brave. Set the boundary. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do it for your DC.

She sounds to me as though she might have border line personality disorder. In my experience people with bpd see the world in very black and white terms ie , if you disagree with them or they think you are being critical of them they can become angry. People with bpd have trouble regulating their emotions and therefore end up alienating others.They may well have suffered abuse or neglect in childhood and are hyper sensitive. Therapists find working with people with bdp difficult and friends and family feel as though they are walking on egg shells. I had a friendship a lot like the one the OP describes and although she could be great fun and was clever and funny, I had to drop the friendship after 5 or so years. Her unpredictable behaviour was impacting on my life, like the op's friend she would be calling me (before mobiles) at all times of the day and night and coming to my house. When I first befriended her I thought she was someone who was going through a bad time , broken relationship, debt, problems with her family. After a few years the penny dropped with me that this women was in a continual state of crisis despite help, practical and advice and support. Once I realised that her world view was dragging me down too and making me depressed I cut my loses and became 'unavailable' to her. I also had a good look at myself and saw that I enjoy 'rescuing' people and that was part of the reason I became involved in the first place. Now I don't have anyone like that in my private life and I save my rescuing tendencies for my work life!

Absolutely what the PP said. You cant diagnose over the internet but she does have all the hallmarks of someone who might be diagnose with a personality disorder.

I have a friend a little bit like this. He is... not like other people. Something is wrong. I think your friend sounds similar.

I think you're totally right to cut off contact but I do want to say something about the notion that you mean nothing to her and she won't miss you. This is not necessarily true. You probably mean a great deal to her. This DOES NOT mean you have to stay in contact, but it might help you to know that your efforts to be a friend to her have not been in vain. Otherwise your guilt is likely to be compounded by a feeling that you've wasted all that friendship effort.
Some people have shit lives for very complex reasons. You've done your bit. Protect your own health and wellbeing now.

It's difficult to just block completely and I understand you don't want to tell her directly. I'd phase her out gradually don't be available and don't be sympathetic to her problems. You have your own family and own problems. Like most this is mainly her own making and I'd be sympathetic if it was advice she was looking for not just venting to you .
Phase don't answer the phone every time If she keeps ringing ignore put phone on silent . Tbh sounds very unhinged to keep ringing someone till they answer . Most people would ring then leave message then maybe try later not keep ringing . She's clearly very unhappy but that's not your fault .

Incidentally I am also a complete rescuer. It's hard but when I twigged to this (very recently) it helped me realize that I didn't have to define myself by how much I cared for other people. You have intrinsic worth and value in yourself. You don't have to save others.

This isn't a friendship. This is someone you've known forever treating you like shit and you letting her because you've known her forever.

Do you ever get anything back from her at all? It sounds like the nicest thing shes done in the last 10 years is hang out with you a bit because her bf knew your husband.

It doesnt matter if she slays you off as everyone else will know what she is like, it already sounds like most people have stopped speaking to her

@Cornishqween I know exactly how you feel. I've recently had to end a friendship of 15 years because of said friend's behaviour. She was very possessive over me (if I went out with my other friends who she didn't know) she would invite herself along and spend the night trying to make herself the centre of attention and would get moody if she wasn't. If I ever went out without her she'd take it as rejection. Then there were the relentless calls and text messages. She'd ring everyday at least 4-5 times and want to talk over the phone for 3 or 4 hours and in between that I'd have relentless text messages. When I asked for some space she'd burst into tears and call me a horrible person. Every time I asked to be left alone for a few days an "emergency" would crop up and she must talk to me and she'd expect me to drop what I was doing every time to deal with her problem but she'd never do the same for me. In the end she started behaving a bit sinister and obsessive so I blocked her from my phone, social media, watsapp and any people we had mutals with so she couldn't check my social media via them she is THAT OBSESSIVE. It was hard but since doing it my life is a lot less stressful and more peaceful. Sorry to sound harsh but you're friend is toxic just like mine is and they never change its always got to be about them or they flip out on you and you become the bad guy. You won't be able to slowly untangle yourself from this person she sounds very very obsessive she'll find ways to get in and stick her claws in you just block, block and block again and she can't get in at you. From the sounds of things people know exactly what she's like so I doubt they'd care if she massively slags you off and slates you they'll probably be internally rolling their eyes thinking "here we go again" and they'll probably admire your backbone. Anyways good luck OP hope you get it sorted

Don't give in to answering any of her texts/calls for a couple of weeks. Do block if she starts hounding you again. Then nearer Xmas send a happy Xmas text but again, don't get sucked into replying if she starts messaging you then. If she does query it just tell her your phone was taking up far too much of your time and you don't bother checking it much.

Thanks to those posting words of wisdom

I don't think I'm a rescuer, because I have so many problems of my own that I know I'm not capable of sorting other people's out, I'm just someone who cannot stand it when another person doesn't like me, or if I feel I've upset them. I'm awful with conflict and avoid at all costs, much to my detriment. I've allowed her to use me time and time again rather than be honest and nip it in the bud.

It sounds like I may not be the only one who has had a clinger in the past thing is growing up she had tonnes of mates and a supportive family but I think now time has gone on, she's burned so many bridges that I'm one of the few people she has left.

Every time she fell out with someone she'd be straight on the phone to me telling me tales of how terrible they were, picking them apart and could never see their side of things.

She's incredibly entitled and is at the moment not speaking with her mum because she's refusing to buy my friend a new car granted hers has broken down, but she's been bailed out time and time again, her mum has already paid for it to be fixed twice and has bought several cars for her in the past.

On the rare occasions she does have money she doesn't save it for emergencies, she will go on spending sprees and get finance for stuff she can't pay back. She called me the other day seething, saying she knew her mum had the money for a new car and how dare she treat her like this. She is falling out with people left right and Center, but it's never her fault always theirs.

I haven't replied to the earlier message as I just don't know what to say without being brutally honest.

I'm not answering her for the foreseeable, I think my explanation should have told her I needed some space.

If she starts messaging anything nasty I will have to get it off my chest. Ugh these things are just awful

Lucifer you must have had such a sense of relief after that friendship ended

I know you understand, being the one who has to keep things going.

I think this sentence gives the impression you very much regret not keeping the friendship going and is giving her the wrong impression.

I think if you do re-establish contact you do need to set boundaries about how often you can speak, and no 7.30am calls!

@Gingerkittykat I was meaning keeping the house going, as she says she gets little support from her dh with childcare etc

Hadn't thought of it that way at all

keep away from this person.
you chose to marry your husband, not her.
she is not even a friend, merely an acquaintance who leeches off you.
she is a taker, and has latched onto you because you are kind-hearted. this is classic narcissistic behaviour. flee it. don't engage.
if you really cannot face cutting her off completely, get your husband to do it for you. you must prioritise your own health and your family.
look up CoDA. might help to see patterns of behaviour. good luck.

Don't answer the message. And don't call her. She isn't your boss - she can't instruct you to do things. Ignore it.

You've backed away nicely, now block her and the family. I know you are scared of her reaction, but what does it matter if you don't intend to see or speak to her again? She'll find someone else to vent to, and will rage about you regardless of how gently you let her down - so rip the plaster off. Block her and move on with your life.

Dis you have a quiet weekend?