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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Raped 23 years ago, want to confront him

65 replies

sammiches79 · 04/12/2019 13:30

I don't know if this is the right section to post it so please move if not.

Approx 23 years ago I was raped, it was by a boyfriend at the time, I remember saying no no no and him holding me down and doing it while I cried and said no. He then drove me home the next morning and we never contacted each other again. About 3 years later he walked past me in the street and smiled. I was about 17/18 when it happened, him probably 20/21.

I've never told anybody and I don't think it's had a huge effect on me but recently I've been thinking about it a lot. I looked him up and see he works in the city in London and has 2 daughters. I live in Scotland. I'm thinking to get some form of closure of contacting him and going to London to talk about it with him, I think I just want an apology and an acknowledgment that what he did was wrong. There's no evidence and far too late to go to the police so I don't want to get him in trouble but I do wonder if he ever did the same to anyone else.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Any ideas how I could talk to him about it and move on? It's taking up a lot of my time now. Thanks.

OP posts:

captainprincess · 04/12/2019 13:33

Hi,

I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I truly do not think it would help you at all to confront him. You need to get your closure through counselling or another means.
Sorry, I am not meaning to sound harsh, but I really think this will set you back further and make you feel so much worse.

captainprincess · 04/12/2019 13:34

Also he is never going to apologise, because even though this ruined part of your life, it will have had no bearing on his and he won't acknowledge what he did

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/12/2019 13:35

I'm so sorry that this happened to you 💐
This man is a Predator you cannot expect him to behave honourably, it is possible that he has other victims, I would not do anything to tip him off.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/12/2019 13:36

You deserve a chance to get justice and so do his other victims if there are any

Northernparent68 · 04/12/2019 13:38

I’m sorry for what you went through.

I think he’s unlikely to admit it and apologise, you need to ask yourself how you would feel if he refused to talk to you or denied it.

Tableclothing · 04/12/2019 13:40

I'm thinking to get some form of closure of contacting him and going to London to talk about it with him, I think I just want an apology and an acknowledgment that what he did was wrong.

I think you should talk with a specialist counsellor before you make any decisions.
His reaction might give you closure or it might be extremely upsetting. If you have already spoken with someone about it then you will some support in place to help process any aftermath.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/12/2019 13:40

If it was me I would want to be looking for other victims and building a case against him, why should he ruin people's lives and get off scot free?

PurpleFrames · 04/12/2019 13:41

I contacted an abuser in a similar way- he denied it and said I was crazy. It left me feeling worse tbh, so please be careful OP

Original poster

sammiches79 · 04/12/2019 13:41

thank you for the comments. Do you think I could email him? I thought in person would be better as he'd feel more guilty looking me in the eye, also he'd be less likely to admit it in an email as then I'd have his written proof.

OP posts:

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/12/2019 13:44

This is going to open up so much hurt for you. Please don't do it to yourself.

He's never going to admit to what he did. He's certainly not going to apologise for it. If he remembers, I doubt he'll even meet you.

Original poster

sammiches79 · 04/12/2019 13:45

@RhinoskinhaveI I wouldn't even know exactly what year it was, I have zero case at all. I know the building and can vaguely remember what happened but that's all.

@purpleframes, sorry that happened, had you left it a long time too?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 13:46

I thought in person would be better as he'd feel more guilty looking me in the eye

He isn't going to feel guilty. He will never admit what's he's done or apologise. You will not get the satisfaction you're looking for. I'm sorry.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/12/2019 13:47

He will not admit it, he will act as if he has done nothing wrong he will lie and spin and deny, this man is a Predator do not make yourself vulnerable to him.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/12/2019 13:49

He's had 23 years to refine his skills as a Predator, this was not just a one-off mistake on his part, you will have just been one of his earlier victims

powershowerforanhour · 04/12/2019 13:49

I think I just want an apology and an acknowledgment that what he did was wrong

Quite unlikely that would happen as he's probably still a scumbag and would likely just gaslight you and tell you that you imagined it, you were loving it or whatever. Even if he has changed he would probably be so scared of being "outed" to work or family or fear a confession leading to police involvement that he would probably just push a button and say "Security! Get this crazy bitch out of here!" before you had a chance to say anything.

You could write him a letter telling him your thoughts and wondering whether he'd raped anyone else. He might just chuck it in the bin after the first sentence but at least he won't get to argue, minimise, patronise and try to gaslight you. Even if he is just a wee bit discomfited by the letter saying pretty much- "You with the perfect life? Yeah, you're still a scumbag rapist" then good.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 04/12/2019 13:49

Please do find a counsellor and discuss it with them, but I really, really doubt that this will help you and it may set you back a great deal. The most likely response is:

he refuses to see you altogether and may even take legal action/involve the police claiming harassment
he tells you it never happened and you are crazy
he tells you you deserved it.

I do know how much it hurts to feel that this is unresolved and he is walking around but "closure", insofar as it exists, comes from within you and not from other people.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/12/2019 13:50

Last time he looked you in the eye he smiled at you ...he's mocking you because he owned you
The leopard doesn't change it's spots

SickNotes · 04/12/2019 13:51

OP, first, I'm so sorry. It is a club with far too many of us in it.

But I think you would only end up more hurt and traumatised if you got back in touch with the expectation of a meeting and an apology. He will almost certainly not reply, or if he does, it would be to deny it ever happened/claim he remembers nothing/threaten you with legal action for defamation.

By all means write to him, but don't send the letter. You will need to figure out your own way of moving on, preferably with help from a counsellor or therapist experienced in dealing with people who've been raped.

powershowerforanhour · 04/12/2019 13:56

said I was crazy

You can nearly 100% guarantee he'd say this. The "my ex was a crazy bitch" trope is so common that, were it always true, the female population of the world would consist entirely of crazy bitches. It doesn't. They deny blame even to themselves.

ifoundthebread · 04/12/2019 14:10

I agree with all of the other posters. Why don't you want to get him into trouble? A family member of mine has just recently got closure on her abuse in 1992 by going to the police and they managed to get a conviction.

PurpleFrames · 04/12/2019 14:14

@sammiches79
I did it via the internet about 10years later, I hadn't always realised it was abuse as I was a child when it happened.

I hope you can find closure in counselling or something positive for you x

Sagradafamiliar · 04/12/2019 14:16

Please talk this through with a professional. I can see why this seems like a good idea but it could be disastrous. It won't play out like it you think it will. His reaction may be traumatic for you. He may pose a danger to you if he's made aware that not only have you not forgotten what he did, but that you're on to him.

ShadowOnTheSun · 04/12/2019 14:32

Hi OP, I'm very sorry this happened to you. But please think very well about this, about confronting him.

Similar thing happened to me years ago. Different circumstances, but it was rape. I was maybe 16 or similar and didn't report it (various reasons). Never thought about talking to him/finding him afterwards, but HE found me. He apologized, face to face. To be honest, I don't even remember his expressions when he did that, tone of voice, was he honest or not, I don't remember him that day/his apology at all, it's as if my brain was/is blocking it. I just remember one thing: an overwhelming all-consuming urge to smash his face in. Violently, not a slap. I sincerely wish I would have been able to do it, and I still wish it now, but he was much much bigger and stronger than me. And that's it. I still remember this very feeling, even though this (the apology) was some years ago.

His apology didn't make me feel any better, and to be honest I wish he didn't contact me in any way after what he did. I don't remember his apology. Well, technically I remember he apologized, but I don't 'remember' it (I know it doesn't make sense). I felt worse, not better after that. Something along the lines: 'you fucker, you raped me and hurt me and left me with a mess in my head and I'm feeling awful, and you're just prancing about living your life, you're ok, nothing happened to you, fuck your stupid apology, it doesn't change anything'.

Obviously, people are different, you may think and feel differently than me. But please think it through before doing it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 14:54

Honestly OP I don't think it'll help either.
I can't imagine he would ever admit it.
He would probably twist it around on you. He might even try to make you believe it didn't happen.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Original poster

sammiches79 · 04/12/2019 23:08

Thanks everyone. I'll have a harder think about what to do.

OP posts:

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