Raped 23 years ago, want to confront him

[sammiches79]

I don't know if this is the right section to post it so please move if not.

Approx 23 years ago I was raped, it was by a boyfriend at the time, I remember saying no no no and him holding me down and doing it while I cried and said no. He then drove me home the next morning and we never contacted each other again. About 3 years later he walked past me in the street and smiled. I was about 17/18 when it happened, him probably 20/21.

I've never told anybody and I don't think it's had a huge effect on me but recently I've been thinking about it a lot. I looked him up and see he works in the city in London and has 2 daughters. I live in Scotland. I'm thinking to get some form of closure of contacting him and going to London to talk about it with him, I think I just want an apology and an acknowledgment that what he did was wrong. There's no evidence and far too late to go to the police so I don't want to get him in trouble but I do wonder if he ever did the same to anyone else.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Any ideas how I could talk to him about it and move on? It's taking up a lot of my time now. Thanks.

The problem with confronting is that you so often have a fixed idea about what you want from it; but no control over how they react. Expecting perfect behaviour from someone who behaved less than perfectly in the past is pretty unrealistic.
And the kinds of behaviours we are talking about are usually criminal. They have very little incentive to apologise or confess.

If you have never talked to Rape Crisis, consider doing that, you can talk this over with people who have experience.

I'm shocked by the number of people here saying "leave it; it will only make you feel worse".

It's exactly this attitude that enables abusers to get away with it.

This is what #metoo is all about - standing up to this crap we are served up as women.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP and you should feel you have every right to address your pain - you don't have to confront him yourself though.
It's worth talking to the police, don't feel as if you should shield this man from the consequences of his actions.

If you don't already know her story, Google Thordis Elva. She contacted her rapist after many years to tell him how she felt about what he had done and the result was quite extraordinary.

She firmly advocates that you do what feels right for you - not what makes anyone else feel better/more comfortable. She was criticised by a lot of women for the path she chose to take but I have a lot of admiration for her.

You might as well confront a snake as to why it bit you. He did not because he wanted to and because he could. Because he's a 'bad man'.

Don't confront him. Confront yourself - by which I mean work on moving forward from this from within, however that may be. You won't obtain the tools to move forward or even to live with this horrible violation from your attacker. It's much more likely that he will simply attack you again either verbally or even again physically, should you meet with him.

He's a dangerous man. Stay away from him.

I'm shocked by the number of people here saying "leave it; it will only make you feel worse".

It's exactly this attitude that enables abusers to get away with it.

Maybe, just maybe, they're speaking from painful experience?

Going into the justice system as a victim instigating rape charges is a fucking hellish experience, with a tiny chance of resulting in a conviction - and that's with a fresh allegation and often clear evidence of violence. I can all but guarantee, sadly, that a long-ago and fuzzy-detailed allegation of rape within a relationship would barely get written down, much less investigated. Many of us have had to make a similarly shitty choice.

Of all the aspects of our fucked-up misogynist society that enable rapists, rape survivors deciding to heal and move on without formal reparations is not even close to being one of them.

@DarrellMakepeace
What has been your own experience of contacting your rapist?

I also think going to confront him in person will not get you the result you want, and may well make things for you.

Have you ever considered Gestalt talking therapy? The 'Empty Chair' technique encourages you to visualise the person you need to tackle, sitting in the chair, and you speak to them as if they are really there. Its not perfect, no therapy is, but many people have found that it helps in confronting historic trauma.

He should face the consequences of his actions but I don't think that making yourself vulnerable to him is a good idea, if it was me I think I might feel like confronting him with a baseball bat but that wouldn't end well either

@DarrellMakepeace I work in the ending violence against women and girls sector. @sammiches79 would benefit from speaking to a rape crisis counsellor - not from speaking to her rapist and trying to get him to admit accountability. Another poster has recounted their experience of their rapist apologising to them and how it made them feel worse - it's very unlikely that a rapist would apologise because he felt he'd hurt his victim, but more because he didn't like feeling "like a bad man".

@sammiches79 is entitled to want what she wants - which is an explanation as much as an apology. Women who've experienced male violence tend to want to make sense of it - but often there's little sense to be made of it except that he wanted to hurt you and he did, and then he got on with his life while you struggled with the after-effects. Me Too wasn't about women retraumatising themselves - it was about holding perpetrators of abuse accountable, which is difficult to do because perpetrators are, by their very nature, manipulative. If @sammiches79 confronts her rapist it is likely he will say what he thinks she wants to hear, in a best case scenario. That is not accountability.

@sammiches79 may wish to try and get justice through the criminal justice system, but that is a route that is long, often retraumatising, and carries no promise of a conviction.

@sammiches79 (apologies for referring to you indirectly throughout this in response to someone else!) - you can explore this option with a support worker from a rape crisis organisation. You can find out more about your options and your local support services by calling 0808 802 9999, which is the National Rape Crisis Helpline. Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

I think maybe you could message him, then block all means of contact, that way, you know you’ve got your point across in telling him what he did, but to avoid him not apologising, turning it on you or making you feel even worse, block him before he can respond.

This man is a Predator if you tip him off that you might be looking for justice he will start looking for ways to thwart you

OP, I was raped by a friend of a friend a similar amount of time ago. Like you, it has affected me ever since but I didn't start to really think about it until this year.

I have dealt with it by talking to people about it. It's his shame not mine and I have regained control that way. I have to say I dont share your need to confront him about it - I dont imagine I'd get the response I wanted if I did.

I've struggled with sex in relationships ever since and have recently started seeing someone. When I decide to tell him, and I will, he will be the first boyfriend I've ever told. I hope that it will be beneficial.

Darrell

I never said OP should just leave it, not go to the police etc. I just said from my own painful experience direct confrontation is unlikely to achieve anything in terms of personal recovery.

It is unfair to imply one way works best for everyone. Not everyone responds to therapy. Not everyone can bare a police investigation. That does not do down other women or survivors.

I would strongly suggest going to the police hun. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it'll go on file, so it'll help if any other woman reports him.

If you do confront him, obviously do some in a public place. That's if he agrees to meet you of course, or you can somehow track him down.

So sorry you went through this- hugs xxx

O.S. I went through virtually exactly the same situation- held so I couldn't move, said no. I went to police and although it didn't go anywhere, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing it might help someone else. x

Thank you everyone. He's married now, has 2 young daughters and works in the city. Don't know for sure but doubt he'd be a risk to me now if we met up as he wouldn't risk all that. I watched the TED talk by Thordis Elva, thanks TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross, it's a really interesting way to look at it and I would imagine (with no proof) that's how he would be, as it's a very similar situation and I think he was just young, stupid and entitled.

Think I might go to London next year and message him to meet up. If he refuses I'll leave it at that but just to let him know I remember, I do sometimes wonder if it's even registered with him.

I am so sorry what you have gone through, I think I echo many others when I advise caution about approaching him on your own. The 'man' actions have shown that it is not safey to assume that he is either repent or likely to give you the peace you want.
Like others I think you need to go to see a councellor, and if you want to persue it further than the police. I don't really know the procedure or process but I hope they will alos be help to help.

The thing here is you would not get closure if you contacted him in any way. I've had these emotions myself. Have a think about it. I can give you some ideas.
1 He is a repeast.
2 you might not have been his first.
3 To get true closure you need to find it within yourself. (Not being personal )
If you are concerned you could still go to the police apparently they are better these days at historic rape cases. I wouldn't advise that though as it's so much to talk about and not being took seriously enough. I can definitely understand what you saying and their is no way a human like that will open up to the pain he is capable of doing. I was raped at 16 and concived with my DD. The pain may not ever leave you I am aware of that. The only way to combat the pain is living the best possible life you can. I am sorry op l am also happy that you have reached out on MN. good luck op

Think I might go to London next year and message him to meet up.

Not to put too fine a point on it, he might assume you want sex/to hook up. He is quite likely to have a very different "memory"/interpretation of what happened from you.

I would really be very careful about this. The potential for painful blowback is very high. It's your life, but I would recommend talking this through with a counsellor before you make any move to contact him.

There was a thread in here not long ago by a woman who did meet with her raoist ... and he raped her again.

IIRC, the reception on here was (wrongly) "well what did you meet him for?". You arent safe meeting this guy because of 'all he has to lose'. He knows perfectly well that even women wouldn't convict him if he attacked you again because of patriarchal values still entrenched in our society. He's probably done this dozens of times and may not even see what he does as rape.

Really. Don't meet him.

I think I remember that thread, it was as if he had been quite systematic in what he did and was able to trigger her into a compliant state, very harrowing.
I feel that we dont really understand the mindset of the predator because or minds are so different, we imagine that if we just explain how badly they have damaged us they will repent and help us to heal.
But to the abuser, well you're just offering your throat to the wolf again.

I dont understand how you can be talking about meeting him, the only way I would meet him is fully tooled up ready to kill the fucker

@Rhinoskinhavel I understand why you feel like that. I've had a long long time to go over it in my head and I don't want revenge, I just want to talk. He didn't physically hurt me but I have had years of depression and anxiety which I wonder is because of what he did. Looked him up today and his office is central London so plenty places to meet where I would be safe, if he agreed. Photo on his work website gave me the creeps a bit when I saw him today.

I'm sorry I should be more sensitive
the fact that he didnt hurt you physically doesnt make it alright, he has caused you significant psychological harm

I feel that we dont really understand the mindset of the predator because or minds are so different, we imagine that if we just explain how badly they have damaged us they will repent and help us to heal.

This.

Aren't sociopaths and psychopaths notorious for ending up in lucrative, corporate environments. Their nature makes them well suited and successful in it.

I seriously doubt you're going to get any admission, apology, acknowledgement, anything.

He'll also be very aware that any of the above could strengthen (or just establish) a possible case against him, so even if he acknowledged to himself that he did anything wrong, which is unlikely, he'll never admit it .... It could blow up in his face and affect his life, family, job etc

You can be sure that he felt entitled to the sex he "took" when he raped you, and his mindset is unlikely to have changed. At most he'll say "I'm sorry you felt that way, I'm sorry you saw it that way" etc etc.

He'll paint you as an unstable, sad case who's never gotten over your relationship from decades ago to himself and anyone else who finds out ... It's pointless.

The only thing worth doing would be to report it, but in the knowledge that it's v unlikely to result in anything.