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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Raped 23 years ago, want to confront him

65 replies

sammiches79 · 04/12/2019 13:30

I don't know if this is the right section to post it so please move if not.

Approx 23 years ago I was raped, it was by a boyfriend at the time, I remember saying no no no and him holding me down and doing it while I cried and said no. He then drove me home the next morning and we never contacted each other again. About 3 years later he walked past me in the street and smiled. I was about 17/18 when it happened, him probably 20/21.

I've never told anybody and I don't think it's had a huge effect on me but recently I've been thinking about it a lot. I looked him up and see he works in the city in London and has 2 daughters. I live in Scotland. I'm thinking to get some form of closure of contacting him and going to London to talk about it with him, I think I just want an apology and an acknowledgment that what he did was wrong. There's no evidence and far too late to go to the police so I don't want to get him in trouble but I do wonder if he ever did the same to anyone else.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Any ideas how I could talk to him about it and move on? It's taking up a lot of my time now. Thanks.

OP posts:

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 20:46

I'd seriously urge you not to try to meet him, or contact him in any way.

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 20:49

He committed a crime against you; if someone stole your car and you found out who .. would you go round to them on your own and demand your car back? I know it's very different types of crimes, but I think personally, independently confronting criminals is foolhardy in any scenario.

Of they were reasonable or decent, they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 20:49

*If

toothfairy73 · 05/12/2019 20:55

I would recommend speaking to Rape Crisis. They can put you in touch with an Isva who can talk through the options with you. There is no pressure to report, just to do what is right for you. It is not too late to report though (if this is what you choose). I (finally) reported the man who raped and abused me as a child 35-40 years ago. He was convicted this year.

Intheheat · 05/12/2019 20:59

Please don't contact him. I worked as a support worker for Rape Crisis for many years. Rapists don't see their actions as rape. He will put it all on you saying you're weird or crazy or deluded. Try to find closure in a way which will not make you so vulnerable. Don't give him the chance to hurt you again. X

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 21:10

I (finally) reported the man who raped and abused me as a child 35-40 years ago. He was convicted this year.

I'm so glad.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 22:11

He has committed a crime against you for which he could face serious consequences, he'll see you as a person who could have him put in prison, you are a threat to his liberty
you want to confront a predator who will see you as a threat to him, what do you think he is likely to do?
if you go into the lions den and the lion thinks you are going to attack him what do you imagine will happen next?

Notsurehowtofixit · 05/12/2019 22:19

I'm sure all the other posters are right and you should listen to them.

Just for myself, I hate that he can do that and then just cruise through life with no consequences. I wish you would confront him, even if it's upsetting. Publicly. I hate that there's dozens of women here saying no no leave him be. Even though they're right, I'm sure. But like, just burn it all down, you know?

Notsurehowtofixit · 05/12/2019 22:23

Mind you, there's something from my life, a crime, and I've just done avoidance all this time. Because it's the only sane approach. But still.

Notsurehowtofixit · 05/12/2019 22:28

Not a crime. That sounded more dramatic than necessary. Just an event - only to say that I may not be as brave as I'm saying you should be, that is all.

Notsurehowtofixit · 05/12/2019 22:31

I can't even say crime lol what a coward.

I'm so sorry, OP. But, I really thing you should do something to acknowledge what happened. Ideally something that keeps you safe.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 22:47

No one is trying to argue that the rapist shouldn't face up to his crime
what we are saying is that his victim should not be the one to single-handedly try to bring this about

DarrellMakepeace · 05/12/2019 23:16

@Tarttlet I agree, she should speak to a professional in the field and not confront her rapist. I thought it was clear that's what I meant when I said she shouldn't confront him herself

DarrellMakepeace · 05/12/2019 23:20

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation that's a really personal question and not one that I am willing to answer on this thread.

I'll tell you what though - strangers on the internet remarking on me being raped is inappropriate at best, and unpleasantly triggering on a middling day.

toothfairy73 · 13/12/2019 20:46

@Sandals19 thank you x

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