Post affair. Mine

[Notallitseemstobe]

I think my marriage is over, I don't feel what I should feel towards him and I have the ick.

But I'm scared. Scared of financially standing on my own two feet. Scared of being alone, I have no family of my own except two children, and scared I'm a fat 46 year old who will never find love again.

I had an affair, it's ended, not by me. And I realise it was keeping me from having to make the hard choices, whether to stay or go. I can feel a pull to fill the void he has left, try to distract myself once again from sorting out what I want.

I don't want to cheat again, but it means I will probably pull my family apart and I'm scared.

I'm not after pity, I'm trying to do the right thing. How can I?

By ending it as kindly as possible, with intention to stay amicable. Don't fling the past around as punishment. Get a good lawyer who is firm & fair - not one who is aggressive.

Does your DH know about the affair?

No. Although I'm not doing a good job at hiding how upset I am.

Firstly, find check your finances to figure out your single budget and find somewhere to live.

Find a time when you can be alone with your dh and tell him in the nicest way possible that you aren't happy and you need to move out. If he has good points, has been a good husband/father, make sure you tell him that and thank him for the (presumably) happy life you've shared but it's just not where you want to be any more. I personally wouldn't twist the knife by telling him about the affair.

You need to aim to end your marriage without destroying your husband or dc in the process and you do that by being as loving, considerate and appreciating of your family as possible.

You need to be honest with your husband, about how you're feeling and what you've done. How would you feel if it was the other way round?

Your DH deserves to know what you have done.
HE should be making the decision if he wants to be with you or not.
This is also your life.
If you are unhappy with your DH and you want to leave then you need to make plans to do so.
Do you work?
Do you rent or do you have a mortgage.
An initial consultation with a solicitor is your best bet right now.
Find out what separation would like.

How old are the children and if they're at home will they stay with your husband?

Bigfatliar, assume that if Op and her H separate they would agree custody of the DC etc, no reason to assume OP would leave her DC. Affairs are not taken into account in court decisions about DC.

Suggest looking into the practicalities and finances of divorce, and having (individual) counselling.

On “finding love” it’s unfair to your H to treat him like back-up/insurance. The options are to seek to improve your current relationship, or (if for you it’s not salvageable, you no longer love / feel attracted to him) plan to end it and take your chances.

Unless you want to confess your affair, you need to suck up your upset about being dumped by OM: consequence of your poor choice to have the affair.

Same with the shared property: OP doesn’t need to move out pending legal advice and her and her H’s decisions.

I'm not going to tell him about the affair, he doesn't need to know that I did that and I'd never do anything to perhaps put my ex in any danger. His DW doesn't know but suspected, which is why we ended things.

I had an affair, I'm not unfit or uncaring mother so want shared custody. I had the affair because I thought it would keep my marriage together, give me what I was missing in my life and make it bearable. Instead I fell in love and it just made my marriage more complicated, and harder to leave in some ways.

But my feelings towards my husband won't change, my attempts to work on the relationship have fallen on deaf ears. I have issues, he doesn't need to change.

OP - I know exactly where you are coming from. I was in a very similar place. Except my relationship was already dead by the time I had my affair, which I also used as a way to survive a little longer in the marriage, to give my kids time to grow up a bit.
I didn’t even think of mine as ‘affair’ - I just wanted a friend and some human interactions to fill the void.
I disagree with many people here - i don’t see life in stark black/white. And for me - my kids needs came before all. My H could leave any time if he was unhappy, he was an adult.
So - I bid time; waited for kids to be a little stronger; me to be a little stronger and ready and then acted.
For me, not for any man I might or might have or will meet.
It needs to be a rational decision, in addition to also being emotional.

You are not a bad mother, and your kids don’t have to be up suicidal. I am sorry for one of the posters there who clearly had something dramatic happening in her life.
But divorce happens. And for unhappy families it changes lives for the better.
Equally some unhappy families stay together and struggle and kids can have issues that way too.

And I agree - unless you are hoping to fix the marriage - (and even then questionable) - absolutely no need to hurt your H by telling him. What would extra hurt achieve? If you decide to divorce it will be painful enough as it is.

That was some dodgy logic! What’s done is done.

Do you mean OM could be in physical danger from your H, or “just” his wife finding out etc?

Sounds like your only option is to plan to end the relationship.

Life is not blackand white and people are not perfect. The poster above is an extreme example and calling her mother a slut is abhorrent. I really fail to see how a parent having an affair will make a child suicidal, sorry but I just don't. Clearly there were things going on in the parents marriage that the children knew nothing about.

OP, you will stay unhappy. The only thing you can do is split. Of course you are not an unfit mother and it doesn't mean you walk away with nothing whilst your husband gets everything, that's not how it works at all.

I've PM'd you.

No name-calling from me. You did a hurtful thing to your husband, but you never cheated on your DC. Yes, you should have left before having the affair- but no-one strays if they're happy.
I have never been unfaithful but I know many that have, and it's never unthinking cruelty behind it. No-one takes it lightly.
Leave, and instead of concentrating on the guilt of the affair, make sure the financial split means that your kids have 2 parents that can cope.

Thanks all.

The marriage has been dead for ages, and the affair wasnt the answer, it just made it clear how much more I needed. How much I was missing.

I have to be braver, because an affair is not the answer. And if I'm alone, then at least my DH has a chance I'd finding someone who does want him.

You may well not be alone long term. But better be single than being in a relationship you’re unhappy in.

Sorry, I read your post and all your subsequent messages and all I can read is someone who believes she is the victim and been forced into actions due to others behaviour. I rather believe to keep this victim status is the reason you dont want to mention the affair, whether the OM's DW finds out (and hopefully she does) is not your concern.
You need to tell your DH you want to split, If you want to lie about you having an affair that is your choice, and I assume would be ok if he wants to split too.
If he wants to try again though than I think you then have to tell him about the affair, this will either make him realise the relationship over or giv him the facts he needs for you both to move forward.

You didn't need to have an affair. You could have just left. You seem to be playing the victim card, but you've had many choices, at many points along the way. Do the right thing now.

That's true, I didnt. But I had so little self confidence, so little sense of my own worth and value that I didn't think I could make it. To be honest, I never set out to have an affair. I was going to have a one off fling with someone, but then I met someone I just clicked with so much. And I realised that I'm more than I had been made to feel to be over the last decade.

But it was my choice. I'm not the victim here but neither is my husband. Same goes for the OM or his DW. We are all adults making decisions and choices.

What is your reasoning for you having an affair to try and save your marriage? I'm struggling to see any reason that justifies you sleeping with someone else. You said you wanted to save your marriage and you aimed to do it through sex with someone else. Why?

Because I thought that I had a good marriage, just a piece or two missing. Mainly sex where I felt desired, felt pleasure and felt really attractive and sexy. But I have young children. People say affairs are selfish. But it feels more selfish to say "mummy is breaking up your home and your family because she wants to feel loved and have a decent shag". That feels selfish. So you tell yourself that an affair is the way out. Get what you need, stay married.

Thought if I got that once, just once, I could keep being married.

But then, I wanted more. And I met someone who gave me more than that. Affection, fun, a personality that was more attractive to be around. A sense of self worth, of being wanted. Needed.

And I realised that it wasn't about sex. It was about so much more. And I tried to fix it, tried to explain.

I stopped having sex with my DH, because emotionally I couldn't handle it. And he is the one who suggested separation first, and I should have agreed.

I will now

See now if you were a man and came on here, saying 'I had a good marriage, but I felt unloved, undesired and just wanted a shag, so I went off with another married woman, fucked her for a while, fell in love then she broke up with me because her husband got suspicious and now I'm lonely again', you would have been ripped to pieces.

Your husband even wanted to separate. You didn't need to destroy the relationship even worse, it was already done. You could have got out of this guilt free. I don't get why you didn't. Why did you stoop so low?

Please don't tell your husband about your affair. Its over, just leave it.

Finding my husband's affair was the most shattering thing that has ever happened to me. I don't think you should visit that sort of pain if it is not necessary.

The speed at which OM dumped you when his wife suspected ...

don't you think you were being played?