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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Post affair. Mine

54 replies

Notallitseemstobe · 04/12/2019 08:34

I think my marriage is over, I don't feel what I should feel towards him and I have the ick.

But I'm scared. Scared of financially standing on my own two feet. Scared of being alone, I have no family of my own except two children, and scared I'm a fat 46 year old who will never find love again.

I had an affair, it's ended, not by me. And I realise it was keeping me from having to make the hard choices, whether to stay or go. I can feel a pull to fill the void he has left, try to distract myself once again from sorting out what I want.

I don't want to cheat again, but it means I will probably pull my family apart and I'm scared.

I'm not after pity, I'm trying to do the right thing. How can I?

OP posts:

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/12/2019 13:25

"But my feelings towards my husband won't change, my attempts to work on the relationship have fallen on deaf ears. I have issues, he doesn't need to change."

this is the saddest thing that men do (stonewalling).

MakeMineALargeDouble · 04/12/2019 13:27

@Notallitseemstobe
I'm absolutely flabbergasted by this comment -
"We are all adults making decisions and choices"..........yes..........but only 2 out of the four adults involved are in possession of ALL the facts.

Bellaviolet · 04/12/2019 13:33

People saying you should have done this and you didn’t need to do that etc etc just doesn’t help. What’s done is done and you take responsibility for your choices. You want to move forwards.
You aren’t happy in your marriage. You get one life! Do the scary thing, you are worth more than to stay in a dead end relationship when you could be truly happy with someone else. Thousands of couples with children go through all this, sadly it’s common. Children adapt, you are still mum and your husband is still dad. You can do this. You need to be selfish here and think what is best for you. What is best for you is also best for your children. You don’t want a broken home for your children but you are already broken in your home. Fix it.

Do you still love the om? Do you contact him? Do you think he loves you? What a total coward to drop you like a hot potato the moment his wife suspects.
Don’t let what you feel for the om cloud your judgement on any of your decision making. Clearly he won’t be leaving his wife for you and you are worth more than second best. Your husband is also worth more than second best.

CatteStreet · 04/12/2019 13:42

OP, there's a lot of self-pity in your post, a narrative of you having been driven to act as you did, talk of self-worth, of feeling wanted, needed. I can't help feeling it's revealing that one of the first things you mention being afraid of in your OP is coping alone financially. You wanted the best of both worlds, but if you haven't agreed an open relationship, marriage is forsaking all others, and if you can't keep to that you can't keep the marriage. You don't keep your nice safe job and moonlight on exciting projects for a competitor.

If he has refused to work on the marriage, the adequate response would have been to leave then. Any moral high ground you had is far behind you. if you now have to do things you are scared of, that is due to your choices. It doesn't mean you can't find them hard, but I would caution strongly against any more self-pity.

I wouldn't tell your husband what you have done if you intend to leave. If you decide you want to stay, though, you owe him that information.

CatteStreet · 04/12/2019 13:44

And you owe it to him in any case if you have put his sexual health at risk.

Pelagi · 04/12/2019 13:52

Wow. This makes me so deeply sad.

I’ve just split from my husband due to discovery of an affair, then after that I found out about another one from a few years ago. These were totally devastating to learn about but I would never want to have not known. He won’t admit the first one and it feels like he has murdered someone and won’t tell me where the body is.

I suspect your reluctance to tell him is more about protecting your “good self” and reputation than anything else. If you separate then he will have a huge amount to come to terms with and it is simply unfair and selfish not to give him all the facts.

Your husband didn’t have any choice in this matter so it is frankly nonsense to say he is “making decisions and choices” in the same way you are. He can only do that if he has the same knowledge as you do.

You need to split up though because otherwise you will be stealing even more years of your husband’s life than you already have. Just don’t try to pretend your affair had nothing to do with it, or make that his fault (which it sounds as though you’re trying to do with your “reasons”).

SuperbMonkey · 04/12/2019 13:52

Do the honourable thing and leave your husband. He deserves someone who really loves him. I found out that my husband had been having an affair 3 weeks ago and I am devastated. The knowledge has changed who I am. Do the right thing this time and have some respect for your husband and his wife.

Original poster

Notallitseemstobe · 04/12/2019 14:07

I'm self aware enough to acknowledge my role in this.

As to the OM, I understand exactly why we ended things. He didn't want to, but her suspicions may have led to the discovery of our affair if it had continued and her response would have ripped their family apart. I don't blame him and ending the affair gives me time and energy to address the key issue - is my marriage worth saving?

OP posts:

CatteStreet · 04/12/2019 14:11

'her response would have ripped their family apart'

No. Her husband's actions would have done that.

Can you see that in thinking like this, you're attributing morality to your and OM's actions and blaming your respective spouses? Speaking of 'acknowledging [your] role' is similar. It's what people say if something essentially unfair or undeserved happened to them but they were not completely blameless.

Cloverbeauty · 04/12/2019 14:12

Not if you're going to continue to lie no it isn't. Otherwise you really are a cruel person.

SuperbMonkey · 04/12/2019 14:14

Only you know the answer to that. Whatever happens deal with your husband kindly and don’t blame him for everything. Own your fault as you mention above.

MarshaBradyo · 04/12/2019 14:16

Let him be aware of the kind of marriage he is in so he can decide what he wants to do.

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 14:24

We don’t know what OP’s H deserves: he could be a total shit for all we know!

Even if he is though, a secret affair was never a good plan.

Cloverbeauty · 04/12/2019 14:32

He could be a total shit, so could she. She has had an affair after all so she is no angel. An affair isn't an excuse, he even offered a separation. She didn't take it.

Original poster

Notallitseemstobe · 04/12/2019 14:43

I should have. I got scared. I have no family and he's very financially controlling.

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 04/12/2019 14:45

No advice from, Notallitseemstobe, me but I wanted to tell you I really sympathise and hope that you find a way out of your current unhappiness, keeping your integrity intact at the same time. Life is so complicated sometimes and we often make it worse trying to make it easier but everyone makes mistakes.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 14:49

Of course your marriage is not worth saving

You cheated. You can’t stand to have sex with him. He won’t listen or change and is financially abusive. Without the affair your marriage was fucked.

Single2catsand1daughter · 04/12/2019 14:55

You had an affair to save your marriage?

Whattodoabout · 04/12/2019 15:02

Tell your H about the affair, there’s zilch point trying to protect the OM and his wife who also deserves to know the truth.

Then your H will probably want a divorce if he has any sense so you will get what you want.

Original poster

Notallitseemstobe · 04/12/2019 15:54

No, I won't tell. But I'm contacting a solicitor today and making plans to leave.

OP posts:

Bellaviolet · 04/12/2019 16:27

Don’t see the point in telling her husband to ease her guilt and inflict massive pain on to her husband, yes her choices caused that but op needs to live with that every day for the rest of her life. Confessing will deeply hurt her husband, her children and the larger family, including om, his wife and children.
If she makes the choice to leave, she can leave with a clean slate and on good terms which is much easier on the children. She can put the past behind her and work on herself for the future.
I truly believe women who end up in an affair have issues with worth and self esteem that need looked into.
It’s a massive life lesson, a mistake and a chapter of your life that you won’t be proud of but like everyone you had your reasons.

movingonup123 · 04/12/2019 16:29

Of course your husband is the victim. It makes me so mad when people blame their other halves. If you were unhappy you could have given him a deadline by which to change things for the better. If it didn't change you could have left not had an affair. Tell the poor man and be honest. He deserves to know exactly how little he meant to you and he deserves to know the truth. Just like you would deserve to know if he did it to you. Get some legal advice and move on with your life. Let's hope someone you love doesn't cheat on you eh?

T1610 · 04/12/2019 16:58

You are never going to have an easy ride on Mumsnet if you admit to an affair, regardless of the reasons. There is an awful lot of condemnation and judgement on here. I suppose because many women have had to deal with the fallout themselves and are angry about it.

AS previous posters have said, life is never that simple. A lot of people (some very decent people) have affairs. We are all human, we want to feel loved and desired. If this is not happening in marriage, eyes will wander and people will stray. It doesn't make you a terrible person. Most people have their reasons. Agreed...people in happy and supportive marriages tend not to have affairs. They stay in relationships for a whole host of reasons, often financial and for the wellbeing of their kids.

I think you should move on. Find happiness with someone who appreciates you and let your husband do the same. Life is way too short.

Original poster

Notallitseemstobe · 04/12/2019 17:02

I'm going to, just spoke to a solicitor. I can do this, for both me and my DH.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 17:10

If your H is financially abusive you will need to be v aware that he’ll play dirty on money. Gather as much info as you can.

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