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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

so today it got 100% worse now all his family are threatening me too

53 replies

neverfeltthisdown23 · 04/12/2019 00:37

hi please someone talk i dont know what to do anymore....
today my abusive partner has turned up ay my work kicking off the male members of staff had to put me in the back and go out to him incase he attacked me ....
he left my baby there with me after my manager threatened to call the police...
hes took all my money my babys buggy his car seat etc and went to stay with his mum i assume...
out of sheer desperation i told his dad what had happened what hes like the contant weed smoking making me pay for everything and that he is now getting violent ( i didnt even tell him the half of it ) but anyway a bad move , i thought his dad would care for the sake of his grandson .... he knew he was heavily on weed yrs ago but thought he gave up so no big suprise with that but i guess the agression may be..
his mum has bipolar and very unstable so i thought best to try him
now all night ive had threats off his dad and mum telling me things like " you are digging yourself a big hole accusing him of this and i better drop it as it wont end well for me, that they will report me to ss to aay im an unfit mother a drug addict and abusive to him and mentally unstable and try and have the baby took off me
he was my only form of childcare while i work ( he doesnt work and doesnt pay a penny for his child or his keep ) and ive had calls laughing from them saying now u loose your job this is whats called karma
he took all the money i have i cant even buy shopping and now i cant work he has the babys buggy and carseat so i cant leave the house
and they are all laughing saying no one will believe me as the bitter ex that hes violent and they will believe 3 people saying the same thing
im going out of my mind with worry i could ( just about ) hack the torture he puts me.through but i cant fight against 3 people.ill never win
and i need to work i have no money for my baby
im so shocked none of them care about the baby that i cant buy his food etc
hoping someone is around to chat as i feel terrified of whats to come

OP posts:
Wombatstew · 04/12/2019 00:47

Sorry to hear what a terrible situation you are in, I don't really have any advice as such but didn't want to read and run. My first thought is that you do have I dependant witnesses to his violent behaviour (your co-workers). I am not sure if it would be worth logging the incident with the police as evidence . Whilst it seems a a dire situation at the moment I have seem plenty of people in similar situations post on MN and they are given invaluable support and info regarding what to do next etc. I am sure someone will be along soon who can advise you better. Can you call women's aid in the first instance? His parents sound awful I am not surprised you are worried about what will happen next.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/12/2019 00:56

Call Women’s Aid Flowers

Do you have any friends or family who could offer immediate help to ensure your and your baby are safe?

TangledMind · 04/12/2019 00:57

Not much advice but record all phone calls, keep copies of txt messages and make a dairy of what their saying on what day and what time. I agree report to police about incident at work

neverfeltthisdown23 · 04/12/2019 01:04

i have called womens aid tonight....and no i have no family or anyone to help with the baby so i can work
they are so calculating it frightens me ... i have photos on my phone of my face covered in blood where he punched me, he obviously thinks i might use these as hes already told.his mum i went mental and was headbutting a wall! sounds stupid but shes now said she will say she saw me when she wasnt even there
so actually my evidence becomes thier evidence of how "mentally unstable" i am
ive been thinking of all the incidents i could report if needed to and pretty much all he could twist and say i hurt myself and get his mum to lie

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/12/2019 01:27

Lovey if a woman has photos of herself injured, what is more likely, that some low life injured her or she injured herself? Come on, no one injures themselves like that. It is very, very rare. You will be believed, not him.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 04/12/2019 01:35

Dont worry about what he or his family say to you OP.
Cut all contact immediately!
Call Police now and make a report.
Be strong for you and your baby.
He shouldnt be allowed around the baby at all.
If he is violent to you he could turn on the baby as well.
Do you have any friends nearby?
Any family?
Things will get better love just be strong.

HeIenaDove · 04/12/2019 01:54

Hes an abusive twunt and his family are enablers. Im sorry to hear you are going through this.

Be interesting to see what the "weed is no big deal" brigade think.

TheNameGames · 04/12/2019 01:58

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry, I don't have any advice either because I wouldn't' know what to do in this situation. Your ex partner sounds like he was raised by what he is now - by complete and utter nasty pieces of work, as is he.
I don't know how much use this would be but it might be worth even screenshotting this thread(?) It will probably not be much use or be anything that stands up legally but it will have timestamps and dates and proof on file in case the thread gets deleted after X number of days. I just don't know what to advise, it sounds awful. I sincerely hope you are okay. If SS does get involved and throw accusations at you made by your ex, you at least have your co-workers to back you up that he was violent and aggressive towards you, hopefully?
I would no longer trust leaving my baby with him, or his family ever again, after the spiteful and callous behaviour displayed. I really hope you're okay

BillHadersNewWife · 04/12/2019 01:58

Call the police right now....report him for theft and for assault. DO IT. That way you can build a case against him and get a restraining order.

TheNameGames · 04/12/2019 02:01

@HeIenaDove
Be interesting to see what the "weed is no big deal" brigade think.

Most people, after smoking a spliff, wouldn't bother to get off the couch unless it was to get food (and even then they'd resent it) or go to the toilet (and even then they'd resent it). Never heard anyone becoming violent as a result of smoking weed. If a person already had violent tendencies, however...

BastardGoDarkly · 04/12/2019 02:02

How was your boss about it op?

You should be able to take emergency leave, are you in a union? If so, phone them and find out your rights.

Talk to womens aid, and the police (I know you're scared, but trust me, theyve seen it all before)

Would your work advance you some pay for shopping? Or maybe dwp could help with a crisis loan.

I really dont think you're safe where you are, call the police, tell them everything.

You can do this Flowers

Imtootired · 04/12/2019 02:03

Maybe try not to talk to them on the phone but do everything through text so you can prove what they’re like. At least you’ve got your baby with you. I think you should speak to your manager and ask for a week or two off while you sort things out. See if you can go to a food bank. I hope things work out for you

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2019 02:06

Call 101 immediately.
Ask for the DV unit.
Tell them e erything.
Report the theft of your money and your babies things.
What was the advice from women's aid?
In the morning call citizens advice and social services.
1st is to report everything to the police. Now!!!

Clearnightsky · 04/12/2019 02:07

Call women’s aid and log this incident with the police tomorrow.

I think you and your babies safety is more important than your job, this is only going to get worse. Talk to women’s aid and they will direct you to any other childcare options or even time off work options until you get your head straight.

1forAll74 · 04/12/2019 02:22

I am sorry that all this horror is happening to you OP, but you have had some good advice on here,and hope you can get some help very soon.

With all this nastiness from these people,I am hoping that you live further away from these people,so they hopefully won't bother you at your home.

Fallingirl · 04/12/2019 02:32

How awful of his patents to join in withthe abuse. But they will not be seen as reliable witnesses. They are his parents, of course they would lie for him.

I also think you should call police on 101 and ask for domestic abuse unit. Get this incident logged, as that works in your favour.

If your partner and his family tell lies about you to social services, ss are more likely to believe you, when the police have a record of you reporting him.

Did you ask women’s aid about a place in a refuge? At least that way you and baby would be safe, and you would be able to eat.

Otherwise, could you get an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow? I think they can refer you to a foodbank.

Keep posting here. We are all here to support you. Hugs.

Clearnightsky · 04/12/2019 02:39

If your partner and his family tell lies about you to social services, ss are more likely to believe you, when the police have a record of you reporting him.

Very good advice.

I’ve done this. Soon to be Ex DPs family also hate me - it’s a smear campaign and so common. It partly explains why our exes are who they are. It didn’t come from nowhere.

Contact women’s aid again and police and you will find it really helps to clear your head.

Jux · 04/12/2019 02:52

Be brave, neverfeltthis, you can do it. Phone the police, tell them he's taken your money and your baby's stuff, report him for the violence and thefts. Keep all the texts, make a quick note of incidents and conversations. Keep diarising everything, it's worth the bother, really it is.

Are you safe?

Helpfullilly · 04/12/2019 02:53

I’m so sorry to read you are going through this nightmare.

I’m the adult child of an abusive man and I was still living at home when my mother finally tried to end the relationship. What you have written is sadly very familiar. I told my grandparents some of what had been going on, expecting help, and they turned on me. It’s very difficult to understand if you are a normal person with empathy, but these abusive men are usually abusive due to their upbringing. So, yes, his parents are also horrible selfish people.

My advice based on my experience is to keep talking to Women’s Aid, they have a forum and online chat, too. They were very helpful to us. This might sound odd but the Samaritans were amazing as well and you can call them any time, they helped when we were feeling desperate and needed a friendly voice.

The local Women’s Aid branch was very very good, and are THE people to talk to. A lot better than the helpline and you get to see people in person who really get it. They can give advice and counselling when you are ready as well as help with essentials (at ours food, personal care items). Google Non-Molestation order and ask the branch about how you can get one of these, our knew of solicitors they could refer us to who could help with this. Start collecting evidence to support getting one of these orders. Mine stopped my father’s harassment.

Do not answer your phone to your husband or his parents anymore, let them harass you by text and email. Do not reply to any messages (easier to prove harassment this way), but don’t try to block them yet. You need these as evidence of the harassment. Print these as they come and put any emails in an electronic folder, the same with any social media messages (save and print). Make written notes of the time of the calls and what (roughly) was said, refer to your phone log.

Get evidence in the form of a bank statement to show he has cleaned out all the money from your account, this is financial abuse. Lovely bit of evidence, especially when he’s left you with the baby.

If you can get the photos of your injuries printed and backed up do so right away.

It’s a good idea to keep a diary if you can of events, both historic and recent. It will get hard to remember things as it’s so upsetting and it will help you to fight for protection. Also, call the police every single time you have any issues with him or his parents. Try to make sure they link the calls/call outs together and keep a log of when you report and what happens each time. I believe you should get a reference number each time, keep a record of these. I feels awful the first time you do it, but it gets easier.

Lots of individual complaints and call outs is better than one, it shows a pattern of behaviour and the police will also gradually get fed up with him, even if they can’t always do much. Some police will also be more help and better trained than others.

This is especially important if he turns up at your home or where you work. Do not engage with him, he is very dangerous. When you leave or end the relationship is the most risky time. Call the police, or get work to call them if he shows up there.

If you have a HR department at work let them and your line manager know what is going on and ask if there is anything your employers can do to support you. There needs to be action taken regarding your pay and putting it into a different account which he cannot access and they might be able to offer an advance to help you pay for childcare, get a new car seat, or otherwise sort out some short term support.

If your ex also turned up at your workplace you have witnesses to his abusiveness, taking the car seat, the lot. That’s worth more than this bloke’s parents word, which is clearly going to be biased. Send an email to work going into detail about the incident (just factually as possible describe what happened, be as accurate as possible) and ask if they see any discrepancies in your account, say you are making them aware to call the police if he comes anywhere near to work again. Ask if they could reply confirming they are aware of this incident, that they what you have written if accurate to the best of their knowledge and to acknowledge your request RE police call outs. Keep this email and replies as evidence, but also ask if they would mind reporting the incident to the police themselves requesting the ex is told to stay away from their premises to help you get him out of your life so you can get back to work, as this will give you more evidence of his actions and may have more weight coming for a 3rd party. They will want you to go back to work and probably to do not think much of him nor want him there, so may well be very helpful.

(sorry this is so long, I hope is all relevant and thinking of you and baby)

Clearnightsky · 04/12/2019 03:11

@helpfilly great post. Great advice.

Remember OP you don’t have to go to court or prosecute him at the moment if it is too scary... but to report an incident you just have to go in and speak to the police for a few minutes. Your Ex won’t be informed unless you want to pursue it. Like above poster says, contact local women’s aid they will literally hold your hand through every single thing and won’t force you into anything.

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2019 03:23

Definitely make a report with the police. It will cover your ass if they tell lies to ss as you will have your side on record.

These people operate by making you feel like you won't be believed and that you are all alone.

You will be believed, especially if you tell your side first. He battered you and stole from you, report it. Police action against these sorts shows them you are not alone and you won't tolerate being shat on anymore.

Report every threat and act, every time from now on.

And speak with a solicitor about sole custody of your child. Does your work have a branch elsewhere you could transfer too if you move away? Or could you afford to move and then look for work elsewhere?

Do whatever it takes to cut this toxic family from your life.

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2019 03:25

And you could ask the people at work to give statements for you if possible too. Don't feel guilty about doing so, they should want to do it to help keep you safe.

Bluelightdistrict · 04/12/2019 03:41

This is horrible OP.
Where abouts are you?
I second PP record everything and keep all texts etc.
I really wouldn't call social services if I were you but if you report to the police they may get a notification anyway.
Can you start a claim for uc?
How old is your DC, are they eligible for free hours?
Hope you're ok

LilQueenie · 04/12/2019 03:56

you have witnesses to his behaviour. ask for statements and report to police. He left the baby with you and took all the baby stuff. If he is saying you are unfit why would he do that. At this point he doesn't have a leg to stand on. also report his parents for threatening you.

VenusTiger · 04/12/2019 03:57

The ONLY reason that they are threatening ss is because they are shitting themselves OP. You have so much evidence and now witnesses.
You absolutely MUST report him.