About to cull a friend but am I wrong?

[Whyjustwhy23]

Posted earlier but it’s outing and I put in some very personal info and MN kindly pulled it for me. So without the personal info!

Have a very best friend that I share everything with, we talk a lot, I’m learning too much!

We were chatting the other day, I’m OLD as is she, we realised we had both matched the same person, but I’d been talking a week and had a date set up, she’d not messaged as she didn’t actually like him. Fine.

Then it gets weird, she messaged me to say she’d gone on another site, got chatting to a person with one unclear photo and now she was sure it was the same man, they had moved straight to WA and been talking for a morning.

She showed me the photo, it’s from the profile we both matched on the original site. She then messaged him (she says), halted the conversation and says she had a go about talking to lots of people (unnecessary it’s OLD FFS) but never mentioned me.

Next minute I get a message from him pulling out of the date stating an awkward situation had occurred.

Now I would NEVER choose a man over a friend but I also will NEVER have a liar or a headfuck as a friend again. This is her second strike as she lied to me in a really weird way about something else around 2 months ago but I let it slide. So now I’m full on done. BUT am I seeing shadows where there are none? (Reminder this isn’t about the man he’s gone it’s about the headfuck/untruth). The reason I think she’s not being truthful:

• how likely is it he uses another site, she has never used, they happened out of the 000’s of people to match but he just has one photo and no name AND she’d forgotten that photo.
• she said that one photo wasn’t on his original profile. It is.
• she said she couldn’t see his image on WA which would have made it clear straight away, because she hadn’t added him to her contacts. Then she added him and it came up. That isn’t how WA works? Privacy is on you being in their contacts?
• she said she never said anything about me. But for him to say there was an awkward situation how can that be true? He’d have to be a fucking genius to work it out?
• he started to change his story during the day saying he had a personal issue...

Which makes me think the following is more likely:

• she decided to use the original profile to start chatting
• she then manufactured the entire thing to screw up the Friday date and did tell him she knew me
• when she realised I was working it out she told him to change his story

Occums razor would say the latter is true and I have a seriously odd toxic friend I need to cull? I wouldn’t even be thinking this if there wasn’t little red flags from before and I know in her interactions with others she likes to play games. I don’t feel comfortable.

But am I being wholly reactive and unfair before I hurt someone I care about? I really don’t want to lose a friend or be a bitch. She is important to me, but I’ve been used a lot and I have to be careful now.

LOTS of people are on more than one site. So that’s not impossible.
Also, it’s unlikely really that even if she meets him for a date that it will lead to anything. Most online dates don’t.
However, in a way this man is a bit of a red herring in the situation. There are clearly other issues between you and her and I think you need to look at the overall picture and decide what you want to do.

The main thing to me is that a true friend wouldn't pursue this man at this point. There are bigger issues here as PP says.

Lampam fair point but to have your full. And and photos on one but be discreet on the other? And I don’t think for a second she wants the date. I genuinely am paranoid it’s more the drama of”OMG he matched me he wants me, I’ll walk away, make sure it’s messed up for you”.

It’s odd to think that I know.

Does you friend have a history of her putting herself first no matter what and hurting you? Or is this a once off?

If there's other stuff that's gone on that makes you think she's done this on purpose, then yeah, ditch her.

It does sound like she's done it on purpose

Bubbles generally no she’s the opposite, helpful to a fault.

Cat there has, I know she’s played games on her ex(s), such as knowing they would be somewhere and concocting an elaborate plan to make them think she will too so that they can’t then go to that place with a date. With me there was something very specific that was a planned out action and lie and I KNOW it was a lie to make me fuck something up and feel bad about it.

Think you're probably bang on that she wants to 'prove she can have him too' though she's not even interested, then mess up your date. Pathetic and shitty of her. Does she have form for thinking she's god's gift by any chance?

Trees sort of that she’s never ever been turned down, but it’s actually a large layer of lack of confidence. Which is ridiculous as she’s lovely and beautiful.

I believe an ex relationship with someone I genuinely liked went tits up as she didn’t like him, and got into my head he as backing off. I got intense and self fulfilling prophecy he then cut and ran. That’s my own fault though for listening. Also I think why now? Well I always go for innapropriate men and shit dates. This is the first one that is absolutely ticking every box, good connection and that she would be “jealous” of. Attractive and successful are in her camp (I don’t care).

I dunno. People can be on more than one site. Have you asked her about it?

Never been turned down ever, is that her own words? Does she have much success in relationships or is this in flirting etc?

If she doesn’t make a habit of upsetting you/playing you etc, considering how close you guys are, I don’t think it’s enough to end a friendship.
However, I would call her out on it, not in a bitchy or emotional way, keep it friendly. See what’s going one with her and let her know you don’t like it.

I’ve asked, she says she said nothing then I’ve gone quiet. I have a history of serious gaslighting and I’m wondering if I’m now too low tolerance.

It’s not the more than one site thing it’s the combination of stuff that makes me think it’s not true, particularly the basic functionality of WA. Also this is the 2nd weirdness.

I’m away at the moment, maybe I should not be a dick and just say can we talk when I’m home? I have gone into deep treat fuck the world mode!

*threat

You need to trust yourself and your own judgement more. If you know that this woman has form for being manipulative and untrustworthy in situations (even a situation not directly relating to you) then that's enough of a red flag to not be friends with her imo. If that's what she does or has done then of course it's perfectly possible she can do that to you, which it sounds like she has here.

Use this as an opportunity to practice getting a hold on your emotions.

You haven’t met this guy. If your suspicions are the worst - you have just lost a friend - she hasn’t stolen your husband.

Cool your boots. Looks like she might like meddling and winding people up. If she does this don’t give her the pleasure - do the opposite.

But as ever what about the guys role in this - if he had already made plans with you then he is a w**ker to drop you.

Also, it’s unlikely really that even if she meets him for a date that it will lead to anything. Most online dates don’t

Ain't that the truth

I empathise on the gaslighting, it’s likely your tolerance is low as you have suggested. I am much the same tbh, I’ve learned to surround myself with a smaller number of real friends. I’m also much happier.
Do you want to hang with her when your back? Do you trust her? If that desire to spend time with her has left you, cool it off.

Listen, if someone takes pleasure in manipulating other people, don't think for a second they won't do the exact same thing to you.

Kitty don’t give a shit about the guy, no further contact so no emotions there. More I don’t like being fucked about by a friend. The guy is just the situation of that makes sense?

I would say it's not worth losing a friend over a "not sure".

If you're right (and I so love that you used Occam's razor) then she'll do it again, in another way. And then off you go ditch the friend.

If you're wrong, it's odd, but at least you didn't lose a friendship over an oddity.

My bum's sore from the fence but I don't like the idea of losing a good friend unless you're absolutely sure. For what it's worth, though, it sounds like you're right. Sorry.

15shemakesmewaitonabedofnails I agree. Sit back and watch this space.

Could be she doesn't want you meeting someone before her and she was jealous. I'd love to know what she said to him though.

I'd wait it out, give her three strikes. I'd also probably keep your matches online to yourself.

@Whyjustwhy23 I do agree it’s unlikely that he has a private profile on one site and a more obvious one on another. But it’s not really the issue here and you won’t be able to prove it either way.
The more you write the more clear it is that the problem is with your friend and again the man is the red herring. If she has a history of behaviour like this then you need to reconsider your friendship.