About to cull a friend but am I wrong?

[Whyjustwhy23]

Posted earlier but it’s outing and I put in some very personal info and MN kindly pulled it for me. So without the personal info!

Have a very best friend that I share everything with, we talk a lot, I’m learning too much!

We were chatting the other day, I’m OLD as is she, we realised we had both matched the same person, but I’d been talking a week and had a date set up, she’d not messaged as she didn’t actually like him. Fine.

Then it gets weird, she messaged me to say she’d gone on another site, got chatting to a person with one unclear photo and now she was sure it was the same man, they had moved straight to WA and been talking for a morning.

She showed me the photo, it’s from the profile we both matched on the original site. She then messaged him (she says), halted the conversation and says she had a go about talking to lots of people (unnecessary it’s OLD FFS) but never mentioned me.

Next minute I get a message from him pulling out of the date stating an awkward situation had occurred.

Now I would NEVER choose a man over a friend but I also will NEVER have a liar or a headfuck as a friend again. This is her second strike as she lied to me in a really weird way about something else around 2 months ago but I let it slide. So now I’m full on done. BUT am I seeing shadows where there are none? (Reminder this isn’t about the man he’s gone it’s about the headfuck/untruth). The reason I think she’s not being truthful:

• how likely is it he uses another site, she has never used, they happened out of the 000’s of people to match but he just has one photo and no name AND she’d forgotten that photo.
• she said that one photo wasn’t on his original profile. It is.
• she said she couldn’t see his image on WA which would have made it clear straight away, because she hadn’t added him to her contacts. Then she added him and it came up. That isn’t how WA works? Privacy is on you being in their contacts?
• she said she never said anything about me. But for him to say there was an awkward situation how can that be true? He’d have to be a fucking genius to work it out?
• he started to change his story during the day saying he had a personal issue...

Which makes me think the following is more likely:

• she decided to use the original profile to start chatting
• she then manufactured the entire thing to screw up the Friday date and did tell him she knew me
• when she realised I was working it out she told him to change his story

Occums razor would say the latter is true and I have a seriously odd toxic friend I need to cull? I wouldn’t even be thinking this if there wasn’t little red flags from before and I know in her interactions with others she likes to play games. I don’t feel comfortable.

But am I being wholly reactive and unfair before I hurt someone I care about? I really don’t want to lose a friend or be a bitch. She is important to me, but I’ve been used a lot and I have to be careful now.

Betty it’s not ready about her pulling him up. It’s more than I believe she started talking to him deliberately to manufacture the whole situation...

Which may be more my paranoia.

Happinrss sounds similar. I’m not sure slow withdrawal would work...

She is jealous and spiteful and a gaslighter to boot. I can easily imagine that she did the date thing on purpose. You already know shes a liar

Cull.

Yes sadly think I’m going to have to. It’s so shit as we got on so well when she wasn’t being like this! And my last friend shagged my husband.

I honestly think I’m sticking with family only and forgetting the whole friend thing as I clearly attract disloyalty and oddness (male and female!)

I’m dreading school on Monday, like being a bloody kid again, head down and walk past I guess. Then the round of carol concerts etc and the kids trying to ask me to play. FML

I think I would just pretend to be friends and leave that door of communication open. Otherwise its going to be awkward for you and your children to start ignoring her, over a stranger you ve both never met. Just keep her at arms length and never discuss anything person with her again. They are free to meet each other. In truth 96 % of dates fizzle out. There are plenty more fish In the sea, my lovely.

Update, it’s been bugging me if I was wrong and paranoid all week, so I dropped a note to the guy thinking I had nothing to lose, other than a random stranger thinking I’ve lost my marbles.

He’s never used anything other than the original site. He has zero reason to not be honest about that as we have no connection now.

So she did lie and set the entire thing up to mess with my head. Beyond weird. I’m sticking with the cull.

Beautiful I’ve been OLD long enough to know and not care about anyone I’ve never met. It was never about the man.

Sorry OP.

I think you can move on now and just keep things cordial for the kids as you say.

OP

Did you speak to the man on the phone? Hear his voice?

Yes 75, he was real.

I had to read the OP again. If you hadn't had spoke I'd have put real money on her being behind both.

I think your interpretation is correct. Somewhere you've pissed her off and this was her revenge.

I really don’t get how or when! We have never fallen out, took her on holiday for free to our holiday house, really supported her. I just don’t get it. But then I guess you can’t work out crazy!!

At least I know it’s not all in my head now.

Although actually yes we had a phone call but he didn’t really do any “live” photos. Surely could not have been a male friend??

God the whole thing has me spinning in paranoia.

That would be the other option, yes.

Forgive me I didnt explain myself. You probably wouldnt remember it but it would've ignited her fury!

So what did he say was the wired situation that caused him to cancel was then?

Has she always been competitive?
How long has she been your friend?
I do find it odd you'd contact this guy who is a stranger and believe him over your friend. He has every reason to lie.

I'd laugh and tell your friend there are enough online losers for everyone.

Yes she’s competitive but this really, like I said, is not about competing over some random bloke. It’s about lying. Lying in a friendship I can’t accept. If this was the first time I’d totally be writing it off. But it isn’t.

Ginky I didn’t probe further with him I’ve left him be. It’s not fair to involve a stranger further.

Well I just had to read up on Occam's razor and I am so happy I did as it basically explains my general outlook on convoluted alternative theories.

I generally say 'go with your gut' like if you think they are cheating they probably are, or if you think they are lying they probably are.

So between those two perspectives, I would think that this is not a good friend who is playing games one way or another and that it's probably best to back away from this one.

Seems a bit dodge tbh

I think she resents you for a reason you will probably never know. This is why she is saying she's your friend, but but does not wish you well.

They say keep your enemies close, I would say you should stay polite, but back away watching her carefully all the time.

She sounds like a headfuck. Definitely one to stay away from.

Sorry she turned out to be a dick, it must be horrible losing a friend like that, but well done for standing up for yourself and trusting your instincts

Yanbu

As I get older, I find tota honesty is a really refreshing and empowering way to handle situations like this. I'd not contact her but if she gets in touch just say, "I was really put off you by the manipulative way you handled that OLD man. I prefer having friends I can trust." And then don't say much more except, "Bye." Or if, on balance, you want to forgive her and keep the friendship, tell her you found her behaviour about that man really flaky so you are keeping your OLD details to yourself from now on.

I had someone who I thought was a friend, but there were a few small red flags and she seemed a bit odd (un-friendlike) with me at times. I became really anxious, and didn't enjoy our talks, but she was a friend! Then I found that she had been nasty about me behind my back to a mutual friend, so the next time she rang up wanting something I told her that I no longer trusted her, and why, said I wished her well, and put the phone down. I'm a bit sad, but more, am grateful that the friends that I do have are people I can trust. Like PPs have said, your 'friend' sounds a bit envious of you, and a bit weird. You're better off without her.