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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I kissed him and he rejected me

66 replies

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 17:21

Friends with this man for ages, he always had a partner so nothing happened but there was an attraction there.
He was going through a break up in April and his head was a mess. During this time he said he had feelings for me and we kissed several times. I fell head over heels at this point....he ended up getting back with his partner which left me devastated.
We agreed to be friends again but it wasn’t the same. It was like he became obsessed with me and me with him but it didn’t cross a line. We would chat every night online, we would see each other at work, we would have coffee as friends but for me the feelings never went away.
Today he was flirting with me big time, telling me I’m hot and amazing. Said he watched me walk all the time and watched my ass etc. We had a few moments where we looked in each other’s eyes during talking and I could feel how unto me he was...until I kissed him and he said what are you doing I can’t do that!?
I freaked out and apologised but started crying. I said I know it was wrong it was a stupid mistake but then I got mad and said to him how he’s lead me on all day and he waits until I bite then he pushes me away. I said to him you have a very short memory because we were once more and stop trying to minimise what happened.
I told him to never speak to me again and block me on all platforms and he seemed upset and said what never again?! And I said why do you want me in your life? He said because I’m a friend and a great person...but it’s very clear to me now that his ego is the most important thing in his life.
I feel so humiliated I’m such an idiot it was wrong I know. My emotions carried me away and now I look like a desperate tramp. I see him at work everyday. My head is spinning.
I don’t know what I want people to say...I just need some comfort and words of advice.

OP posts:

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 02/12/2019 17:26

You aren't a desperate tramp. Yes tbh it is not good to go around kissing attached people but he has been playing you for bloody ages. Block him, ignore and find a nice, decent man who doesn't play games and fuck with your head.

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 17:30

Thank you. I haven’t stopped crying today I feel like a mess. I am in love with him and I feel so embarrassed and humiliated that he’s took complete advantage of my feelings for him and used me to massage his ego. It’s not until I think back before the kiss today that I remember some of the ego maniac stuff he said...fishing for compliments etc.
I always thought to myself if he’s obsessed with me then he must love me back? But I was very wrong cause apprently he only likes me.
I feel awful about his partner too but in the moment I just wanted him so much, I love him. I now hate him just as much.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 02/12/2019 17:35

It's not love. It's just infatuation, which can feel similar for a while.

You can already see how ego-driven he is. The fog is starting to clear. Pretty soon you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

Chin up, carry on.

MsRomanoff · 02/12/2019 17:36

OP you need to drop the victim label.

You chose to be part of this. Revelled in his flirting, knowing he had a partner.

Yes, he probably does enjoy the flirting and he is a dick.

But the quicker you realise that you were an active participant in this, the quicker you will be able to move on.

By viewing yourself as someone who couldnt have prevented this, that you were just at his mercy, you arent acknowledging that you have power in this situation.

You can block him on everything. You make the decision to nor speak to him unless you have to at work.

Look for another job if you have to. You may feel thata not fair. But what's more important your own well being or what's fair?

Longfacenow · 02/12/2019 17:37

I expect you'll hear from him again tomorrow or the day after when he needs another ego stroke.

Walk away. He's attached and not a prize by the sounds of it!

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 17:41

I’m not a victim I know. I feel like a terrible person and I’m totally ashamed of myself honestly...I’m so angry at myself. I finally had a piece of dignity back and I do this shit.
He must be bathing himself in my misery. Having a woman 15 years younger than him fawning all over him and killing off any self respect just to get near him.
I take total ownership of my shitty decisions and I will work on being a better person. I’m just very very hurt and humiliated and finding it too hard not to wallow in it.

OP posts:

Longfacenow · 02/12/2019 17:43

Chin up OP. You're a terrible person if you do it again is what I would say - we all make mistakes!

Sagradafamiliar · 02/12/2019 17:46

Stop being his toy.

SnorkMaiden81 · 02/12/2019 17:49

He'll definitely be back. This faux show of 'we mustn't' is part of his game, but that's all it is to him, a game.

Pound to a pinch of shit he'll be messaging you within a few days with how he misses you and how his head's a mess. Yawn. Textbook.

elmosducks · 02/12/2019 17:50

Grey rock. Delete him from everything.

And be kind to yourself.

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 17:53

He won’t be able to contact me as I’ve blocked him on everything. He’s too much of a coward to approach me in person. He’s never been one to talk about emotional things or anything uncomfortable, so I doubt he will.

OP posts:

CruellaDeVille2019 · 02/12/2019 17:54

See it as a lucky escape. You know what he is now. Yes, you were daft getting feelings for a man who has another partner but it takes two to tango. He shouldn't have been leading you on the way he has, just like you should have pointed out to him that he wasn't being appropriate flirting with you etc.

He wants to keep you as a backup option in case he splits from his current partner again. He also loves the attention from flirting with you but not enough to call time on his current relationship.

You and his current partner both deserve better. You can't do anything about his current partner but you can make sure that you walk away from him and move onto a decent man with better morals.

Fizzysours · 02/12/2019 17:56

What a twat the man is. Shake yourself off and go meet less pathetic men.

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 18:01

I messaged him before I blocked him to say how sorry I was for the impulsive kiss but i find him cruel to lead me on all day when he knows how I feel about him. Said I was a person with feelings not a cheap thrill.
Said to him he is in total denial about what Hes been doing and it’s an affair, told him To stop making me feel like I made it all up in my head and acknowledge what happened between us.
Said to him not to speak with or contact me ever again. And then blocked him

OP posts:

Fizzysours · 02/12/2019 18:02

Good for you. He knew what he was doing

Yetanotherwinter · 02/12/2019 18:04

You need work on your decision making and your self esteem. You also need to be strong in keeping away from him. His partner deserves better.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2019 18:13

Good for you, he was a mind-fking twat anyway. He was just using you to feed his ego. Well done for seeing it for what it was.

It can be hard with his sort as they seem to be able to foster such chemistry (often in part due to love bombing). And in that whirlwind, we mistake it for love.

It isn't love. Love is kind and drama free.
He isn't capable of that.

dontmentionbookclub · 02/12/2019 18:17

Hold your head up and feel good that you now see him for what he is and you have had the sense to stop it. He is very bad for you, so give yourself plenty of treats this week which will be good for you and take comfort from the whole of Mumsnet being on your side.

Groovinpeanut · 02/12/2019 18:20

You've done the right thing blocking him. You feel like crap now, but it will pass.

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 18:26

You have all set me off again. Thank you.

I just feel totally powerless...like he holds all the power. Making a pass at him and being rejected, him seeing me cry and telling him to never speak to me again and walking off a sobbing mess. Absolutely no dignity or self respect to be had there, so humiliating.
Need to face him at work tomorrow but don’t actually have to talk to him at all so should be ok. Also feel silly for messaging him after saying don’t speak to me again but I wanted to get it off my chest. I have a banging headache with the stres.

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 02/12/2019 18:28

Oh dear, how old are you, and why on earth are you crying about this frightful man,who thinks you are a plaything by all accounts. But good for you,that you have now assessed your situation.

exWifebeginsAgainat46 · 02/12/2019 18:36

this sounds eerily like my second husband. his game is identical. what are the chances of another utter wanker behaving like this?

fairly high, i would think. stay well away, OP. you’ll be better for it in the long run.

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 18:38

IM almost 30 and he’s 45. I obviously have issues that need to be worked on. God knows where to start.

OP posts:

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 02/12/2019 18:39

Don't feel too bad OP - you made a mistake and that is it. Chin up, think 'fuck it, everyone makes mistakes occasionally', move on and ice queen the fucker.

It isn't the end of the world.

Original poster

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 18:42

I’m genuine when I say this...that I don’t understand how we could be so close and chat everyday, kiss and meet all the time and him not have genuine feelings for me? Like I could just never imagine stringing someone along that i wasn’t interested in for my own ego. I would just lose interest. He became obsessed with Facebook stalking, would always come online same time as me and would stare at me all the time...I would say his interest level was very high and we both were in such a high being with each other and he says he doesn’t have those feelings and rejects me. I honestly don’t get it.

OP posts:

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