Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I kissed him and he rejected me

66 replies

Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 17:21

Friends with this man for ages, he always had a partner so nothing happened but there was an attraction there.
He was going through a break up in April and his head was a mess. During this time he said he had feelings for me and we kissed several times. I fell head over heels at this point....he ended up getting back with his partner which left me devastated.
We agreed to be friends again but it wasn’t the same. It was like he became obsessed with me and me with him but it didn’t cross a line. We would chat every night online, we would see each other at work, we would have coffee as friends but for me the feelings never went away.
Today he was flirting with me big time, telling me I’m hot and amazing. Said he watched me walk all the time and watched my ass etc. We had a few moments where we looked in each other’s eyes during talking and I could feel how unto me he was...until I kissed him and he said what are you doing I can’t do that!?
I freaked out and apologised but started crying. I said I know it was wrong it was a stupid mistake but then I got mad and said to him how he’s lead me on all day and he waits until I bite then he pushes me away. I said to him you have a very short memory because we were once more and stop trying to minimise what happened.
I told him to never speak to me again and block me on all platforms and he seemed upset and said what never again?! And I said why do you want me in your life? He said because I’m a friend and a great person...but it’s very clear to me now that his ego is the most important thing in his life.
I feel so humiliated I’m such an idiot it was wrong I know. My emotions carried me away and now I look like a desperate tramp. I see him at work everyday. My head is spinning.
I don’t know what I want people to say...I just need some comfort and words of advice.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2019 18:44

I was just watching this, maybe it'll come in handy. And some of her other stuff on narcissists n toxic sorts.

Make an ick list!

JenniferM1989 · 02/12/2019 18:47

You're not a tramp, you are not desperate and you're none of the other things you said.

This guy has had you in his web for ages and he's confused you. Confusion leads to morals not being in check (going for the kiss). You're the victim of a player and you were right to get angry.

Instead of him blocking you, you block him, right now!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 02/12/2019 18:48

He’s going to play push and pull with you, until you end up agreeing to a secret affair. Of course he’ll have you convinced that you’re the one that has instigated the affair and the guilt and responsibility will be on you to keep it quiet.

JenniferM1989 · 02/12/2019 18:49

I see you did block him, well done!

Original poster
Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 18:50

You think he is a narcissist?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2019 18:50

Narcissists are like that. You find yourself thinking 'if he doesn't like me, why does he want to spend so much time with me?'

They want you to really like them.
That's the answer.
And by spending lots of time with you ect...it makes you trust them and because you think they adore you, you let your guard down and like them more.

It is really shocking when you find out there is nothing there. Like they could literally just drop you and not give a crap. They just aren't like us. They are predators.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2019 18:54

Yeah, if the shoe fits.

He is cheating on his partner, emotionally manipulating you, playing hot and cold, not giving a shit about your feelings ect…

Very possible.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 02/12/2019 19:02

Everyone is a narcissist on MN!

You made a fool of yourself, you misread the signs. These things happen, you'll get over it.

Don't send ranty 'last messages'. It just adds to the embarrassment.

Look after yourself. And don't go after taken men. Life is much simpler that way.

Original poster
Bellaviolet · 02/12/2019 19:10

Wow, lots of good info on those vids.
The part where she says about them making you feel crazy and denying the reality...like he will flirt with me all day, chat with me all night, seek me out etc and our brief romance in the summer...I’m made to feel like none of that counts when he’s like oh we are just friends and I like your company.
It’s an affair and even I hate admitting it to myself because of shame but that’s my take and my reality.

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 02/12/2019 19:12

Try forget about him. If he’s willing to do that to his current partner (sounds like an emotional affair to me) then he’s not going to have any problems doing it to you later on down the line should you both get together.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2019 19:15

Yeah I like her stuff.

He's a dick who has been mindf*king you are the very least.
He's got you feeling bad about yourself too.

It's like their ickiness rubs off on us.
Trust your own gut and listen to your own morals. Don't let him drag you down again to his level.

Bluebutterfly90 · 02/12/2019 19:22

He's clearly been using you for an ego boost while being in a relationship with someone else, which is not on for you or for his other half!
I know its difficult now but consider yourself having dodged a bullet- would you really want to date a guy who acts this way towards other women while in a relationship?
Don't let him use you to make himself feel good while you feel shitty.

Loopytiles · 02/12/2019 19:24

He is a dick to date or be in a relationship with.

You made a lot of poor judgments.

Learn from it.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 02/12/2019 19:32

Don't feel embarrassed. Feel angry!!

He messed with you. Only he knew how likely it was he'd get back with his girlfriend. He spent ages leading you down that path. You showed your hand and it is no wonder! He spent hours encouraging you to do that and then knocked you back.

He should be embarrassed.

Uptonogoodtoo · 02/12/2019 19:32

Op. Men like him, it’s always on there terms. I’m sure he did like you and how you made him feel. A constant ego massage from a young woman. What’s not to like.
But as soon as you want something back, then they pull the rug from under you. And pretend it was all in your head.
Messing with your mind, making you feel rubbish, humiliation, desperate to please him. He knows what he’s doing.
Take back control and don’t go near him. You’ll feel better and maintain your dignity. Otherwise it will be more of the same over and over and you’ll lose yourself.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 02/12/2019 19:37

He sounds like a dick OP but I'm glad you're owning that you both made poor choices by having this emotional and sometimes physical affair.

You've probably learned some really important lessons here. It sounds harsh but think how hurt you are about this and then imagine how hurt his partner would / will be if / when they find out.

You say he is cruel to have lead you on etc but surely you knew he could be cruel because he has gone back to his partner yet is continuing an emotional affair with you and telling you how nice your ass is etc. All cruel, just cruel to her in those instances and not you.

He sounds like a dick, if he had any balls he would be single if he wanted to pursue you or was unhappy in his relationship. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and unfortunately you let him, so recognise this and don't do it to yourself any more!

Time to shut the door on this even as a friendship I think.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 02/12/2019 19:38

Yes and by not labelling it as a relationship, refusing to do that, he can ignore all of the normal boundaries between a friendship and a relationship. He picks and mixes and makes you feel crazy.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/12/2019 19:53

I think you are allowed a bit of a wallow. Have a couple of days crying, wailing, wondering where it all went wrong and eating chocolate.

Then pick yourself back up, realise that he is a juvenile idiot who just wants to be King of the Playground and have women doting on him on his terms. Hold your head high and walk around as if you own the place. You got suckered, but you won't make that mistake again now, will you?

AutumnCrow · 02/12/2019 19:55

@Pinkbonbon that Dr Ramani clip is very good, very sensible (and short!); I'm glad I watched it. Thanks for the link.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 02/12/2019 20:29

Good clip btw.

Interestedwoman · 02/12/2019 22:10

'telling him to never speak to me again and walking off a sobbing mess. Absolutely no dignity or self respect to be had there, so humiliating.'

I think that you walked away, and you told him not to speak to you again was dignified. Undignified would've been if you'd begged him to go out with you or something. Hugs xxxxx

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 02/12/2019 22:22

Yeh you didnt buy in to his bullshitty gaslighting chess move that he did nothing wrong!

BumbleBeee69 · 02/12/2019 22:45

just popping in to add to the chorus OP.. you did nothing wrong Lady... hope you get to move on from this guy soon my lovely... Flowers

LunasOrchid · 03/12/2019 01:37

Said to him he is in total denial about what Hes been doing and it’s an affair, told him To stop making me feel like I made it all up in my head and acknowledge what happened between us

You kissed a few timeswhikst he wasnt with his partner. You attempted to kiss him and he rejected you. That is not an affair. Flirting with you was wrong and mean but it doesn't make it an affair. I'm sorry but you sound slightly unhinged!

Maybe you'll learn not go around kissing other people's partners in the future 🤷🏼‍♀️.

NorthEndGal · 03/12/2019 02:11

You had a few embarrassing fumbles together, not an affair.
Please get some help with your self esteem, and setting boundaries Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread